C. S. Montanye

“ Right now there are more fairy tales in any evening newspaper than the enterprising Grimm twins hopped up for the tots and if you’re the least bit skeptical tell me what fairy tale has it on the radio, the photographs they send by wireless, the airplane flights that begin with breakfast in China and end with dinner in Brazil, the machines that give anybody a look at their own interiors and—finish it yourself. ”

“ As it was an hour at the gym when Queensboro Moe Morowitz pulled a bout with whatever sparring partners Looie Pitz could bribe to go in against him, we found half of the East Side present when we arrived in the more remote spaces of the Big Town.
“They’re packed in like sardines,” I said.
Ottie snickered.
“Yeah, but sardines are better off because they’re laying down. Ain’t that Looie over there? Trap him and we’ll get away from these bandits before they get to us. I just got three teeth filled with gold and I don’t want to take no unnecessary chances.” ”

“ Ottie hollered, producing one of his cards. “If I’m a flatfoot you’re a tenor and what a heck of a note that would be. Here’s my card. I’m running a clean and honest garage and I don’t expect your patronage—I demand it. Repair jobs are a specialty. Give us a fair trial and be convinced. When will you come in?”
“To-morrow,” was Morowitz’s answer. “Er—Looie and I just come in from Chi together and I ain’t made no garage arrangements yet. I’d rather I should do business with one of my admirers than some gypper who might think I was a lamp and try to trim me. Does Pitz do business with you too?” ”

“ Ivan shouted, wildly excited. “I knocked the low life out!”
Like a tiger with its first kill the youth took a punch at both of us, threw his wrench at a startled taxicab owner who had come in to get his rig out for the evening plunder and chased two of his coworkers to the street. To get attention Ottie had to stiffen Mulligan. This done he fished Morowitz out from under the closed car.
“Oy—this is terrible!” the lightweight moaned, once he was on his feet again. “Er—if them newspaper fellars ever hear of this they’ll kid the silk shirt off me. I should croak in a Christian neighborhood. ”

“ Arriving at Sunshine Corners the following evening in the classiest limousine Ottie could pick out of the garage, we were met at the front door of the villa by a servant whose powdered wig, swallow-tail coat and black-silk knickerbockers overpowered Ivan with hilarity.
“You ain’t got the manners of a cow in a parlor!” Ottie snarled, cuffing him twice. “Get in order, Dizzy. Don’t you know a footman when you see one?”
“A footman?” Mulligan panted. ”

“ This frozen knot here—Ivan Mulligan by name—is the dumbest of the lot. He knows more about rattles than Henry Ford and he repairs a mean motor, but he’s got cement looking like skimmed milk for thickness and to make it even all around he’s one of these superstitious monkeys. You talk to him. Ask him why he lets a thirty-one dollar repair job go out for thirteen washers when the amount was plainly wrote on the ticket. ”

“ Do you mean ‘Queensboro Moe’ Morowitz, the lightweight leather pusher who’s been running after Benny Leonard lately?”
Mulligan nodded glumly.
“That’s him—the baby I’m going to get even with if it takes from now until beer and light wines come back!”
“And he stole your girl?” I put in.
“That wouldn’t be anything unusual,” Ottie smirked. “Any guy that will turn a trick like sending out a repair job for thirteen kisses when it’s tagged thirty-one could have his elbows swiped and wouldn’t know it until he sat down to eat. What surprises me is that he ever had a gal. ”

“ Scandrel hollered. “Don’t let yourself be deceived, Mr. Fosdick. That gal ain’t your daughter no more than she’s mine! She’s trying to get away with something because she works in your factory over on the East River!”
The attractive brunette cast a languishing glance at Ivan Mulligan and then another at us.
“Oh, dad knows all about that,” she explained. “You see, I have ideas of my own and I’ve always wanted to be loved for myself and not for father’s money. ”

“ He dodged a chair Ottie tossed at him, picked up his wrench and went back to spoil the upholstery in Queensboro Moe Morowitz’s expensive vehicle.
Sheer curiosity if nothing else made me loiter around the establishment for the better part of an hour to see what might ensue when the fickle Stella and Ivan’s enemy appeared on the scene to reclaim the repaired roadster.
“She’ll see through him like glass,” Ottie said when I mentioned the subject. “Trust a skirt to pick a broken heart, grease and all. You can’t beat a woman—and I don’t mean because it’s against the law either. ”

“ Ottie yelped. “You and that luck stuff bend me out of shape. You’re proving yourself more absurd than ridiculous. Make your conversation fewer and better; remember that on Saturday your pay envelope will be minus the difference between thirty-one and thirteen and get outside and line them brakes on that Curb Creeper or I’ll knock you so far there won’t be enough gasoline in the world to run a car out to bring you back!”
Ivan Mulligan fingered a chin well paved with cup grease. ”

“ Mulligan looked at me and sighed.
“Listen, gentleman. First of all I got to stop in and see my fortune teller about the fight to-morrow night. For six dollars cash or two for ten dollars he tells me he’ll fix it so I win easy. In the afternoon I want I should show Winnie the animals in Central Park. She’s getting half a day off. Leave me go and I’ll work on the night shift after dinner.”
“That’s fair enough,” Scandrel admitted, after thinking it over. “But nothing doing on the zoo. With them ears of yours I ain’t taking no chances!” ”

“ I hope he lets your boy stay the limit so Fosdick won’t think we’re short changing him. Shall we take a walk around the grounds together?”
“And have some one see you with me and think that I’m a friend of yours?” Ottie grunted. “You got more ideas than a flapper in a jewelry store. Me and Joe are going inside to see how our hustling mechanic is getting along. I hope he don’t steal nothing and get a bad reputation.” ”

“ Pitz asked, taking the center of the stage.
“Ivan Mulligan.”
“Ivan Mulligan!” Morowitz blinked and straightened up. “This is a fancy! I owe that bird a beating up. The little tramp went and let me steal his-gal off him and marry her. Believe me, I’ll give him a ride!”
One hour and twenty minutes after that we were back in the garage again. Scandrel tore Mulligan away from the transmission on a motor, threw him into a corner and explained the proposition in detail.
“Will I fight Moe in public?” the mechanic cried. “Does a violin make music? ”

“ The two of them got married on St. Patrick’s Day and it’s bad luck to hit an East Side boy on an Irish celebration. But listen. Mebbe it’ll take a week, mebbe a month, mebbe a year, but I’ll get him in the end. I’ll show him. I’ll even up!”
“Outside!” Ottie ordered. “You talk like a dime novel and we ain’t got no time to listen to all that jazz. Tear them brakes apart and if you can accidentally knock a hole in the radiator while you’re doing it, so much the better.”
The mechanic picked up his wrench, pulled up his overalls and tottered out. ”

“ Er—I’ll look ’em over myself, personal. Maybe they’ll need a little repairing. The brakes on some delivery trucks are like women and cigarettes—some smoke and some don’t. You won’t forget to tell him it’s all O. K. here?”
The girl gave Ottie a long look and shook her head.
“No, I won’t forget. Thank you so much for the information. Good-by.”
“Goo’-by!” the voice of Ivan Mulligan mumbled behind us. “Mister, that gal has something about her that reminds me of Stella. Mebbe the way she stands, mebbe the way she walks, mebbe them black eyes of hers.” ”