Charles Dickens

“ Weller; and without further invitation he gave the Reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head, and began dancing round him in a buoyant and cork–like manner, which in a gentleman at his time of life was a perfect marvel to behold.
Finding all remonstrances unavailing, Sam pulled his hat firmly on, threw his father’s coat over his arm, and taking the old man round the waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and into the street; never releasing his hold, or permitting him to stop, until they reached the corner. ”

“ Goes out charing and washing, by the day; never had more than one eye, but knows her mother drank bottled stout, and shouldn’t wonder if that caused it (immense cheering) . Thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained from spirits she might have had two eyes by this time (tremendous applause) . Used, at every place she went to, to have eighteen–pence a day, a pint of porter, and a glass of spirits; but since she became a member of the Brick Lane Branch, has always demanded three–and–sixpence (the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with deafening enthusiasm) . ”

“ The particular picture on which Sam Weller’s eyes were fixed, as he said this, was a highly–coloured representation of a couple of human hearts skewered together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful fire, while a male and female cannibal in modern attire, the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same, were approaching the meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine gravel path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing else, was depicted as superintending the cooking ”

“ Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Weller’s feelings than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of the red–nosed man; and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting, the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane, Sam not forgetting to drop his letter into a general post–office as they walked along.
The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in a large room, pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious ladder. ”

“ The soft sex to a man—he begged pardon, to a female—rallied round the young waterman, and turned with disgust from the drinker of spirits (cheers) . The Brick Lane Branch brothers were watermen (cheers and laughter) . That room was their boat; that audience were the maidens; and he (Mr. Anthony Humm) , however unworthily, was ‘first oars’ (unbounded applause) .
‘Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy?’ inquired Mr. Weller, in a whisper.
‘The womin,’ said Sam, in the same tone.
‘He ain’t far out there, Sammy,’ replied Mr. Weller ”

“ Weller, ‘it’ll be a wery agonisin’ trial to me at my time of life, but I’m pretty tough, that’s vun consolation, as the wery old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the London market.’
‘Wot’ll be a trial?’ inquired Sam. ‘To see you married, Sammy—to see you a dilluded wictim, and thinkin’ in your innocence that it’s all wery capital,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘It’s a dreadful trial to a father’s feelin’s, that ‘ere, Sammy—’
‘Nonsense,’ said Sam. ‘I ain’t a–goin’ to get married, don’t you fret yourself about that ”

“ Weller, apparently horror–stricken by the word.
‘A walentine,’ replied Sam. ‘Samivel, Samivel,’ said Mr. Weller, in reproachful accents, ‘I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it. Arter the warnin’ you’ve had o’ your father’s wicious propensities; arter all I’ve said to you upon this here wery subject; arter actiwally seein’ and bein’ in the company o’ your own mother–in–law, vich I should ha’ thought wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha’ forgotten to his dyin’ day! I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it, Sammy, I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it!’ These reflections were too much for the good old man. ”

“ Buys new wooden legs now, and drinks nothing but water and weak tea. The new legs last twice as long as the others used to do, and he attributes this solely to his temperate habits (triumphant cheers) .’
Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself with a song. With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment, Brother Mordlin had adapted the beautiful words of ‘Who hasn’t heard of a Jolly Young Waterman?’ to the tune of the Old Hundredth, which he would request them to join him in singing (great applause) . ”

“ Weller. ‘This here Stiggins—’
‘Red–nosed man?’ inquired Sam.
‘The wery same,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘This here red–nosed man, Sammy, wisits your mother–in–law vith a kindness and constancy I never see equalled. He’s sitch a friend o’ the family, Sammy, that wen he’s avay from us, he can’t be comfortable unless he has somethin’ to remember us by.’
‘And I’d give him somethin’ as ’ud turpentine and beeswax his memory for the next ten years or so, if I wos you,’ interposed Sam. ”

“ Go on, Sammy.’
‘“Lovely creetur,”’ repeated Sam.
‘‘Tain’t in poetry, is it?’ interposed his father.
‘No, no,’ replied Sam.
‘Wery glad to hear it,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘Poetry’s unnat’ral; no man ever talked poetry ‘cept a beadle on boxin’–day, or Warren’s blackin’, or Rowland’s oil, or some of them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, Sammy.’
Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam once more commenced, and read as follows:
‘“Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned—”’ ‘That ain’t proper,’ said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his mouth. ”