Sam Weller

“ The man in blue being a light-haired, stiff-necked, free and easy sort of footman, with a swaggering air and pert face, had attracted Mr. Weller’s especial attention at first, but when he began to come out in this way, Sam felt more than ever disposed to cultivate his acquaintance; so he launched himself into the conversation at once, with characteristic independence.
“Your health, sir,” said Sam. “I like you conwersation much. I think it’s wery pretty.” ”

“ Sam Weller’s peculiar trick of speech has been traced with probability to Samuel Vale, a popular comic actor, who in 1822 performed Simon Spatterdash in a farce called ‘The Boarding House,’ and gave currency to a similar phraseology (Notes and Queries, 6th ser. V. 388; and Origin of Sam Weller, with a facsimile of a contemporary piratical imitation of ‘Pickwick,’ 1883) . ”

“ Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Weller’s feelings than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of the red–nosed man; and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting, the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane, Sam not forgetting to drop his letter into a general post–office as they walked along.
The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in a large room, pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious ladder. ”

“ Weller sat back in his chair, with his eyes wide open, his hands planted on his knees, and his whole countenance expressive of absorbing and overwhelming astonishment. Sam sat opposite him in perfect silence, waiting, with eager curiosity, for the termination of the scene.
Mr. Stiggins kept the brown pocket-handkerchief before his eyes for some minutes, moaning decently meanwhile, and then, mastering his feelings by a strong effort, put it in his pocket and buttoned it up. After this he stirred the fire; after that, he rubbed his hands and looked at Sam. ”

“ He’s flat broke and hungry.”
“I thought perhaps he wouldn’t like to meet Mr. Havens,” Jimmie commented, with a wink at Carl.
“And why not?” asked Ben, somewhat amazed.
Then the story of Sam Weller’s previous employment at the hangar on Long Island came out. The boys all declared that they wanted to be present when Sam met his former employer!
100“I don’t care what you say about Sam!” Jimmie declared, after the boys had finished their discussion of the Long Island incident. “I like him just the same! There’s a kind of a free and easy impudence about him that gets me. I hope he’ll stay with us!” ”

“ There was no pretending to mistake where the voice came from now, so the stranger, having no other resource, at last looked Sam Weller full in the face.
“It won’t do, Job Trotter,” said Sam. “Come! none o’ that ’ere nonsense. You ain’t so wery ’andsome that you can afford to throw avay many o’ your good looks. ”

“ The stranger smiled and pointed to the tents.
50“I am a truthful man,” he said. “I wouldn’t tell a lie for a dollar. I might tell six for five dollars, but I wouldn’t tell one lie for any small sum. My name is Sam Weller, and I’m a tramp.”
“That’s no lie!” exclaimed Jimmie. “Unless appearances are deceiving!”
“Perhaps,” Carl suggested, “we’d better be getting out of here. The natives may return.”
“As soon as you have given me time to relate a chapter of my life,” Sam Weller continued, “you’ll understand why the savages won’t be back here to-night.” ”

“ Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone of deep agitation, “mark my words, my boy. If that ’ere secretary fellow keeps on for only five minutes more, he’ll blow hisself up with toast and water.”
“Well, let him, if he likes,” replied Sam; “it ain’t no bis’ness o’ yourn.”
“If this here lasts much longer, Sammy,” said Mr. Weller, in the same low voice, “I shall feel it my duty, as a human bein’, to rise and address the cheer. There’s a young ’ooman on the next form but two, as has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half; and she’s a swellin’ wisibly before my wery eyes.” ”

“ Weller; “she always goes and blows up, down-stairs, for a couple of hours arter tea; so we’ll just give ourselves a damp, Sammy.”
Saying this, Mr. Weller mixed two glasses of spirits and water, and produced a couple of pipes. The father and son sitting down opposite each other: Sam on one side of the fire, in the high-backed chair, and Mr. Weller senior on the other, in an easy ditto: they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due gravity. ”

“ Weller; my master being very ill, he got us a room—we were in a kennel before—and paid for it, Sir; and come to look at us, at night, when nobody should know. Mr. Weller,’ said Job, with real tears in his eyes, for once, ‘I could serve that gentleman till I fell down dead at his feet.’
‘I say!’ said Sam, ‘I’ll trouble you, my friend! None o’ that!’
Job Trotter looked amazed.
‘None o’ that, I say, young feller,’ repeated Sam firmly. ‘No man serves him but me. And now we’re upon it, I’ll let you into another secret besides that,’ said Sam, as he paid for the beer. ”

“ Mr. Weller made no reply, but once more shook his head most learnedly.
“Leave off rattlin’ that ’ere nob o’ yourn, if you don’t want it to come off the springs altogether,” said Sam, impatiently, “and behave reasonable. I vent all the vay down to the Markis o’ Granby, arter you, last night.”
“Did you see the Marchioness o’ Granby, Sammy?” inquired Mr. Weller, with a sigh.
“Yes, I did,” replied Sam.
“How wos the dear creetur a lookin’?”
“Wery queer,” said Sam. “I think she’s a injurin’ herself gradivally vith too much o’ that ’ere pine-apple rum, and other strong medicines o’ the same natur.” ”

“ Weller was a gentleman of great gallantry in his own way, and he no sooner remarked this circumstance then he hastily rose from the large stone, and advanced towards her.
“My dear,” said Sam, sliding up with an air of great respect, “you’ll spile that wery pretty figure out o’ all perportion if you shake them carpets by yourself. Let me help you.” ”

“ The particular picture on which Sam Weller’s eyes were fixed, as he said this, was a highly–coloured representation of a couple of human hearts skewered together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful fire, while a male and female cannibal in modern attire, the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same, were approaching the meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine gravel path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing else, was depicted as superintending the cooking ”

“ But as young dropsy evinced no symptoms of returning animation, Sam Weller sat himself down in front of the cart, and starting the old horse with a jerk of the rein, jogged steadily on, towards the Manor Farm. ”

“ Weller.
‘Never mind who he was,’ retorted Sam; ‘he warn’t a coachman; that’s enough for you.’
I know’d a ostler o’ that name,’ said Mr. Weller, musing.
‘It warn’t him,’ said Sam. ‘This here gen’l’m’n was a prophet.’
‘Wot’s a prophet?’ inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly on his son.
‘Wy, a man as tells what’s a-goin’ to happen,’ replied Sam.
‘I wish I’d know’d him, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘P’raps he might ha’ throw’d a small light on that ‘ere liver complaint as we wos a-speakin’ on, just now. Hows’ever, if he’s dead, and ain’t left the bisness to nobody, there’s an end on it. ”

“ As to the wictim of oppression in the suit o’ brimstone, all I can say of him, is, that I hope he’ll get jist as good a berth as he deserves; in vitch case it’s wery little cold swarry as ever he’ll be troubled with agin.’
Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile, and his speech having been vociferously applauded, the company broke up.
‘Wy, you don’t mean to say you’re a-goin’ old feller?’ said Sam Weller to his friend, Mr. John Smauker.
‘I must, indeed,’ said Mr. Smauker; ‘I promised Bantam.’
‘Oh, wery well,’ said Sam; ‘that’s another thing. P’raps he’d resign if you disappinted him. ”

“ Weller, ‘Now I s’pose he’ll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p’rhaps to prove a alleybi. I’ve been a-turnin’ the bis’ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy, Sammy. I’ve got some friends as’ll do either for him, but my adwice ‘ud be this here—never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing.’ Mr. Weller looked very profound as he delivered this legal opinion; and burying his nose in his tumbler, winked over the top thereof, at his astonished son.
‘Why, what do you mean?’ said Sam ”

“ Here, the first object that met his eyes was his beloved father sitting on a bottom stair, with his hat in his hand, shouting out ‘Weller!’ in his very loudest tone, at half-minute intervals.
‘Wot are you a-roarin’ at?’ said Sam impetuously, when the old gentleman had discharged himself of another shout; ‘making yourself so precious hot that you looks like a aggrawated glass-blower. ”

“ ‘Wery good power o’ suction, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller the elder, looking into the pot, when his first-born had set it down half empty. ‘You’d ha’ made an uncommon fine oyster, Sammy, if you’d been born in that station o’ life.’
‘Yes, I des-say, I should ha’ managed to pick up a respectable livin’,’ replied Sam applying himself to the cold beef, with considerable vigour. ”

“ Weller; “only I [61] wouldn’t show that wery fine edge too much, if I was you, in case anybody took it off. What do you mean by comin’ to a hot-el and asking arter Sam, vith as much politeness as a vild Indian?”
“‘Cos an old gen’l’m’n told me to,” replied the boy.
“What old gen’l’m’n?” inquired Sam, with deep disdain.
“Him as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our parlour,” rejoined the boy. “He told me yesterday mornin’ to come to the George and Wultur this arternoon, and ask for Sam.”
“It’s my father, my dear,” said Mr. Weller, turning with an explanatory air to the young lady in the bar ”

“ Weller, looking sternly round, with the poker in his hand.
“Vy not!” exclaimed Sam. “’Cos it must be proved, and probated, and swore to, and all manner o’ formalities.”
“You don’t mean that?” said Mr. Weller, laying down the poker.
Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; intimating by a look meanwhile, that he did mean it, and very seriously too.
“Then I’ll tell you wot it is,” said Mr. Weller, after a short meditation, “this is a case for that ’ere confidential pal o’ the Chancellorship’s. Pell must look into this, Sammy. ”

“ Weller, as they drove along the London Road in the chaise cart, “and as all this here property is a wery great temptation to a legal gen’l’m’n, ve’ll take a couple o’ friends o’ mine vith us, as’ll be wery soon down upon him if he comes anythin’ irreg’lar; two o’ them as saw you to the Fleet that day. They’re the wery best judges,” added Mr. Weller in a half whisper, “the wery best judges of a horse, you ever know’d.”
“And of a lawyer too?” inquired Sam.
“The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal, can form a ackerate judgment of anythin’,” replied his father ”

“ Weller, to be sure!’
‘Ah!’ said Sam, ‘what a pleasant chap he is!’
‘Ain’t he?’ replied Mr. Muzzle.
‘So much humour,’ said Sam.
‘And such a man to speak,’ said Mr. Muzzle. ‘How his ideas flow, don’t they?’
‘Wonderful,’ replied Sam; ‘they comes a-pouring out, knocking each other’s heads so fast, that they seems to stun one another; you hardly know what he’s arter, do you?’
That’s the great merit of his style of speaking,’ rejoined Mr. Muzzle. ‘Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller. Would you like to wash your hands, sir, before we join the ladies? ”

“ Weller, striking the table with his fist. ‘Ought to ha’ know’d better! why, I know a young ‘un as hasn’t had half nor quarter your eddication—as hasn’t slept about the markets, no, not six months—who’d ha’ scorned to be let in, in such a vay; scorned it, Sammy.’ In the excitement of feeling produced by this agonising reflection, Mr. Weller rang the bell, and ordered an additional pint of ale.
‘Well, it’s no use talking about it now,’ said Sam. ‘It’s over, and can’t be helped, and that’s one consolation, as they always says in Turkey, ven they cuts the wrong man’s head off. ”

“ He borrowed some money from the old stage-driver, and then when he refused to pay it, his father had him arrested and sent to the prison as he wished. Old Tony Weller and all his friends went with him, and gave him three tremendous cheers at the door. When Mr. Pickwick saw Sam return and learned what he had done, he was much affected at the devotion of this faithful servant and felt himself more fond of him than ever. ”

“ Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Belle Sauvage, when, on returning, he encountered the fat boy in the court, who had been charged with the delivery of a note from Emily Wardle.
“I say,” said Joe, who was unusually loquacious, “what a pretty girl Mary is, isn’t she? I am so fond of her, I am!”
Mr. Weller made no verbal remark in reply; but eyeing the fat boy for a moment, quite transfixed at his presumption, led him by the collar to the corner, and dismissed him with a harmless but ceremonious kick. ”

“ Go on, Sammy.’
‘“Lovely creetur,”’ repeated Sam.
‘‘Tain’t in poetry, is it?’ interposed his father.
‘No, no,’ replied Sam.
‘Wery glad to hear it,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘Poetry’s unnat’ral; no man ever talked poetry ‘cept a beadle on boxin’–day, or Warren’s blackin’, or Rowland’s oil, or some of them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, Sammy.’
Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam once more commenced, and read as follows:
‘“Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned—”’ ‘That ain’t proper,’ said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his mouth. ”