Charles E. Van Loan

“ Is that twenty thousand dollars in our money, or do I just think so?"
"Something like that," said Kenneth Clifford, grinning.
Buck slid limply off the bench, wiggling his fingers feebly.
"Air!" he murmured. "Gimme air! My socks have got holes in 'em! When I eat I got to count my dough first to see if I've got enough for pie. I drink bartenders' mistakes even; but this guy here—he gets twenty thousand a year just for bein' alive! Air!"
"Oh, I say, Buck! Don't be a silly ass! Money isn't everything." ”

“ And if it's work you're after, you're engaged now."
"Look here," said Kenneth Clifford, "how do you know I'd suit?"
"You'll suit, all right!" said Montague with a grin. "And if you'll only be natural in front of a camera you can't help being a tremendous hit."
Kenneth Clifford bent his cane across his knee and rocked back and forth, laughing until the tears came into his eyes.
"This is ripping!" he gasped at last. "I came here to play polo and now I'm an actor! Haw! Haw! Haw! You do things so fast in this country!"
"We have to in this business," said Jimmy Montague. ”

“ Even then Jimmy Montague failed to comprehend the situation. He was temporarily dazed by an atmosphere of money, taste—and something else he would have characterized as "heaps of class." Extra men seldom call in taxicabs.
"Work?" said Jimmy. "Are—are you an actor?"
"Eh? I beg pardon. An actor, did you say?"
"Yes. Can you act? Have you had any experience?"
Kenneth Clifford blinked his pale blue eyes and stared vacantly. ”

“ Up to this time Buck, with true dramatic instinct, had not moved a muscle. As he felt Kenneth Clifford's arm about him he sat up and spat out a mouthful of dirt.
"Hurt!" he said. "It's worse than that. Here I go and pull one of the swellest falls of my life and you swing in across me and cloak the action. We got to do it over again, Algy; and, for the love of Mike, gimme a chance to register that fall on the film! ”

“ Imagine stopping a fellow in the middle of a hot mixup to ask him whether he'd have lemon or cream in his oolong!"
"That's the very thing that is going to make this a tough stunt to get away with," said Montague. "We've got to have the afternoon-tea atmosphere to this picture or it won't get by with the people who know. Polo is a rich man's game—an Englishman's game—and I don't see how we can get any of the real people to fall for us! Our cowpunchers can ride all right enough, but they'd look awful bad in a tea-drinking scene, and they haven't got the right kind of horses either. ”

“ Now you know what I meant when I said some Englishmen remind me of polo. He's one."
"Yes; he's the type," said Montague. "Did you see him make that backhanded swipe a while ago? Caught the ball right in the air!"
"Oh, he savvies what side of a hawss to get on at!" said Buck. "And he sure does recognize a polo pony when he sees one. Them grooms—they was all for pickin' out the good-lookers; but Algy, he nosed through the bunch, tried out a few, and then froze to that homely little red runt—the best polo pony in the string. That's Brandy—used to belong to a rich guy down at Riverside. ”

“ Now, what you ought to do is to hire some of them skinny Englishmen. They not only play the game to beat the band but, doggone 'em, they look it! There's something about a lean, blond boy with a loose chin and buck teeth that sort of reminds me of polo—just like a dago makes me think of a hand-organ. ”

“ If the ponies don't play out on us we ought to get some darned good action stuff. Take Lord Algy over there—he sure is some polo player! The flunkies ain't so worse when you take a quick flash at 'em, and my boys have been workin' out on them postage stamps for three days. They'll get by all right, but a flat English saddle gets a cowpuncher's goat at first. That Lord Algy—say, he's the pure quill in Englishmen, ain't he? Yes, sir—the clear catnip! You won't make any mistake if you shove that mug of his right up against the camera—they won't take him for no Swede—I tell you those, Jim! ”

“ Kenneth Clifford gasped.
"Sure!" said Montague. "As soon as you put your arms round her, Devenham, kiss her—and don't cloak the action when you do it."
"Do I really kiss her—or just make believe?" asked Kenneth Clifford. "It seems such a cheeky thing to do—rather."
"Use your own judgment," said Buck. "If it was me I'd give that lady a real good smack and take a chance on a bawl-out afterward. Jimmy Montague, he always kisses her on the square when he's workin' in a love scene with her; but then—Jim's the director." ”

“ Montague paused for reflection.
"Any polo games coming off round here soon?" he asked.
"Not till next month," said Buck. "The Kanakas are going to play here then."
"Can't wait that long," said Jimmy. "I was thinking we could get permission to put a camera on the field and use the pictures of a real match for cut-ins. We'll have to do the best we can with cowpunchers. If I could only land an Englishman or two ! One typical London Johnny would help a lot."
"Why not advertise?" suggested Packard. "You might pick up a remittance man. Those younger sons are always broke." ”

“ Gimme five big iron dollars to oil up a friend of mine what works at the Polo Club and he'll come through with pith helmets, mallets and balls for further orders. Gimme ten and I'll make him borrow some boots for us."
"Nothing could be fairer than that," said Montague. "We can fake up something that'll look like a game."
"Don't kid yourself," said Buck. "You can't fake polo strong enough to fool anybody that ever saw the real game. Believe me, the worst-looking thing in the world is a guy tryin' to fourflush on one of them flat English saddles. You can't get by with a fake, Jim ”

“ And even if Jimmy Montague was sitting on a deserted island in the middle of Salt Lake he would get us what we want. If the fellow falls down on the real stuff he sends us a fake so much better than the original that there is no comparison at all. Wire him at once!"
Jimmy Montague, producing director for the Titan Company and maker of miracles to order, bit hard upon his stubby cigar as he read that telegram.
"Here's a hot one!" said he to Sam Packard, the purchasing agent. "Seligman wants a polo picture and he wants it quick! Now who ever told him there was such a game as that in the world? ”

“ Fell into it as if he hadn't done anything else all his life. When it comes to wearing clothes as if they'd been made for him, and doing the little social stunts, he makes the rest of us look like a lot of hack-drivers dressed up. ”

“ W'ich is him?"
"You're a pretty fresh guy for a feller your size," said Buck, taking the boy by the ear. "Telegram for you, Algy!"
"Ah-r-r! Leggo me ear!" growled the lad, kicking at Buck. "Youse movin'-pitcher Jesse Jameses gives me a pain!"
Kenneth Clifford, seated and ready for the final scene, was still staring at the cablegram when Jimmy Montague's voice brought him back to America and the business in hand.
"Come out of it, Dev!" he urged. "We're going to make the picture this time. All set, Buck? Got the letter! Ready—Action—Go!" ”

“ Professional polo! It's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of in my life! Most extraordinary!"
"Why don't you look into it?" suggested the clerk, who was used to providing entertainment for world-worn tourists.
"I shall—this very day. Call me a taxi!"
III "Say, Jim! There 's a fellow in the front office who looks like seven million dollars! He came out in one of them multiplication tables on wheels, and it's waiting for him. He wants to see you, but he won't say what for."
"Send him in!" said Montague, interrupted in the middle of his polo scenario. ”

“ Having satisfied herself upon this point, Miss Burwell called upon Battersby—on business, of course—and Kenneth Clifford's name was mentioned, quite by accident.
"Yes," said the solicitor; "I hear from him regularly. His latest plan is to buy a ranch in the Rocky Mountains near Chicago. He says America is a vast country and the people are most charming." ”