Ellis Parker Butler

“ This is a nice situation for Susan Jane Jones, Captain of Company A, First Regiment, Militant Suffragettes! But all is fair in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is the last stronghold of the old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender young girls learn the vicious habits of keeping house, being good housewives and attending to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. From this root anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I have crept in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will rule! ”

“ I'm never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I think he is just too horrid for anything, (takes off coat and hat and throws them on sofa) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived, I do! ”

“ SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must be free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you? You think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you? ”

“ KATE. Well, for my part, I'm through with boys! I wish they were all—all extinct.
SUSAN, (rapping on table with her umbrella) Ladies! Fellow females! I have heard what you said. Your wrongs are enormous, but what does man live for but to oppress us? We are down-trod, down-trod by man, that worm that like a roaring lion seeks to cast dust in our eyes with his soaring wings while he rends our heart with his cruel beak! Shall we, ladies, be slaves to a worm? ”

“ Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands! (PAULINE enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to them) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us under his cruel heel. ”

“ GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's nothing in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment of Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days. They neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl— (enter Susan Jane Jones.)
SUSAN. (strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves) Well, here I am—
GRANDMA. (mildly) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. ”

“ Grandma Gregg said he was in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor.
SUSAN. (carelessly) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind the screen.
(PAULINE gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind her on the floor. Exit PAULINE.)
SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see one of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you?
KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean—Oh! here Comes Grandma Gregg. ”

“ You have been receiving your tuition. In this academy the study of Household Science begins with the rudiments. Scrubbing is one of the rudiments. As a new scholar you begin with the rudiments, of course. And I must say you are doing very well. You are making excellent progress. Apply yourself earnestly to your lessons and in a short time you will be promoted to another class. ”

“ Pirate is what I am. (hesitates) Grandma Gregg, you've always been good to me, barring the scrubbing and mopping and blacking shoes and stoves. If I was you, mam, I'd pack some clothes, so as to be ready for the sea voyage.
GRANDMA. Me? A sea voyage?
PAULINE. Yes'm. (curtseys) This Susan Jane Jones is not what she seems, mam. I let on, mam, I was of her way of thinking, mam, but I ain't. A husband is good enough woman's rights for me, mam. A nice, quiet, well-behaved husband like that one there is all I want. ”

“ His mother had fallen down the cellar stairs and broken her arm.
KATE. And he let that keep him home! Girls, I think the way the boys treat us is perfectly outrageous! There are whole minutes in every day when they don't think of us at all. ”

“ We will drive him from the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can. He must be driven from the land. ”

“ Let me see you scrub, Pauline.
PAULINE. (dropping on her knees and taking brush from pail) Yes'm.
GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline.
PAULINE. (curtseying on her knees) No'm (curtsey. She scrubs)
GRANDMA. Very good indeed! Very good indeed! You are progressing, Pauline! You are progressing. Apply yourself faithfully to your lessons. You may study awhile on the front porch now. And don't be afraid to use your muscle.
PAULINE. (gathers up her pail and mop, etc. At door she turns) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. ”