Eugene Field

“ Once upon a Time there was a Bad boy whose Name was Reginald and there was a Good boy whose Name was James. Reginald would go Fishing when his Mamma told him Not to, and he Cut off the Cat’s Tail with the Bread Knife one Day, and then told Mamma the Baby had Driven it in with the Rolling Pin, which was a Lie. James was always Obedient, and when his Mamma told him not to Help an old Blind Man across the street or Go into a Dark Room where the Boogies were, he always Did What She said.13 That is why they Called him Good James. ”

“ A Chicago Papa is so Mean he Wont let his Little Baby have More than One Measle at a time. ”

“ The next morning James got out of Bed and when He had Said his Prayers he Limped over to his Stocking, licking his chops and Carrying his Head as High as a Bull going through a Brush Fence. But when he found there was Nothing in his stocking and that Reginald’s Stocking was as Full as Papa Is when he comes home Late from the Office, he Sat down on the Floor and began to Wonder why on Earth he had Been such a Good boy. Reginald spent a Happy Christmas and James was very Miserable. After all, Children, it Pays to be Bad, so Long as you Combine Intellect with Crime.
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His Busy Day. ”

“ If you will Drop the Watch on the Floor, the Fairy in the Watch will Sing the Prettiest little Song you ever Heard and all the Wheels will Buzz just as Funny as can Be. When papa Comes home and finds the Fairy has been Singing, maybe he will Ask you to Step out into the Woodshed with him on a Matter of Business. ”

“ Ice Cream is Funny Stuff. You eat it and feel it in your Eye. When you have Eaten all you Want, you will Find it right Jolly to Pick the Ice Cream up in your Fingers and Paddle it Around in your Tumbler of Water. ”

“ The Fish is a Trout and Breathes through his Ears. He lives in a Brook and May be if you try you can Catch him. Any little Boy who catches so many measles ought to be Able to Catch one little Fish. The Trout Weighs four Ounces, but you can say he weighs four Pounds. ”

“ Hot Air vs. Cold Water. See the Wind Mill. It is a Pretty Sight. It has Sails that go Round and Round and Make a Noise like the Whirring of a bird’s wings. The Wind Mill Looks Sad. It has had Hard Luck. It used to be a Democratic politician and Furnish Enthusiasm for Arapahoe county Campaigns. But Wind will not Run a Campaign and so the Wind Mill lost its Job. And now it Stands out on a Bleak Prairie and Hauls water out of the Cold, hard Earth for a living. Any Kind of Honest Labor is awful rough on a Democrat, but Having Anything to Do with Water breaks him All Up.
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“ This Man is very Busy. He is pushed for Time. He looks as if he had more on his Hands than he could accomplish. We feel Sorry for him. He has an Important Engagement to Keep, and he is Hurrying up Matters to Meet it. ”

“ A man Caught it and Hung it up on a Tree and cut its poor little Throat and let it Bleed to Death. What a Bad Man. Perhaps the Deer’s baby deers are crying for their Mamma who will Never come.
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Tale VI—Peptonic Pudding. The Hired Girl is bringing on the Pudding and it is a Daisy. We mean the Pudding. It is full of Plums. Make Mamma give you a Big Piece of the Pudding with Ever so many Plums in it. If we Were you, we would Swallow the Plums whole and Then they will stay By You longer. When you have Eaten the Pudding, pick your little Dish up and Drink the Sauce. ”

“ Ask Mamma to Blow out the Light to-night after you Go to Bed and Let you See a Bugaboo? It has a Big Voice like a Bear, and its Claws are as long as a Knife. It will Bite Good Little Children and Run off with them to the Cold Dark Woods where they can Never see Mamma any More. ”

“ Our Respected Fellow Citizen is now as Full as a Tick, and his Amiable and Accomplished Wife is Walloping him with the Rolling Pin. The Lady seems to be more Accomplished than Amiable.
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Would You? Is this a Picture of an Actress? No, it is a Picture of a Boodle Politician. Is it not Beautiful? The left Eye is Closed. It must be Tired. He is Sitting on a Barrel. It must be a Barrel of Jam. Would you like to get your Little Hand into the Barrel? We Would.
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Good James and Naughty Reginald. ”

“ In the Tureen there are two Gallons of Soup and Eleven Cove oysters. Do not Be Afraid. The Soup is Pretty Hot, but it will not Burn you. If it is too Hot, you can Spit it out on the Carpet. Do you like Cove oysters? They are Baby oysters Taken out of the Shell before they are Hatched. Some People dry them and use them for Gun Wads. They are much more Digestible than sole leather. ”

“ Baby and I in the morning gray
Are griping and squalling and walking away—
The fire’s gone out and I nearly freeze—
There’s a smell of peppermint on the breeze.
Then Mamma wakes
And baby takes
And says, “Now cook the breakfast, please.” ❦
A Sad, Sad Story. The young Man is Reading a Letter and seems Deeply Agitated. Maybe it is a Letter from his Sweet-Heart, and she has Given him the Grand Bounce. How his Breast Heaves and how his Heart must Throb under his Celluloid Shirt Front. The Letter is from His Tailor. Let us not Invade the Secrecy of the poor Young man’s Grief.
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Fashion Notes. ”

“ This is What they Call an Intensely Exciting Sensation in Pueblo. The Earth is going to Live five hundred Million years Longer, and Pueblo expects to be the State Capital before the End of that Time. You will not Live to see it the Capital—or, at least, you ought to Hope Not.
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Poor Little Bennie. Bennie is Lying in the Cradle and he is Crying because Mamma will not give him the Moon. What a Naughty Mamma not to Give her little Boy the Moon! But Mamma does not care how much Bennie Cries. She has a Son, and the Moon can go to Thunder.
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Our Motor Press. ”

“ She thinks there is a Mouse there. Suppose we approach the well with the Dornick. There is no Mouse as we Can See. Perhaps the Mouse is at the Bottom of the Well. Let us Hitch the Dornick to the Cat and Put Them in the Well. Then the Cat will not Come back without the Mouse. ”

“ It must have eaten lots of Worms and Caterpillars to be so Fat. It is stuffed with nice Stuffing made of Old Crusts and spoiled Biscuits. The Gravy looks Quite Tempting. It does not Look like Tobacco Juice, does it? The Innards of the Turkey have been Chopped up and are in the Gravy. Unless the Cook was very Careful while Chopping up the Innards, there is a Piece of her Finger in the Gravy, too. Will you Try some of the Turkey? Take a Drum Stick, the Pope’s Nose, a Side Bone, the Neck, some of the Breast and the Wishbone. If that is not Enough, ask Mamma please Can you have some More. ”

“ Recherché Affairs are sometimes Met with in Parlors and Ball Rooms but more Generally in the Society Department of Newspapers. A Recherché Affair is an Affair where the Society Editor is invited to the Refreshment Table. When the Society Editor is told his Room is Better than his Company, the Affair is not Recherché. ”

“ They are the Only Kinds of Pie little children should Eat. You will do Well to Try them All. As much Pie as Possible under the circumstances would be Proper. The best way to Eat Pie is to Take it up in your Fingers. ”

“ Here is a Sewing Machine. It was Made for little Children to play with. Put your Feet on the Treadles and Make the Wheels go round Fast. See how the Thread unwinds and the Needle bobs up and down! This is Lots of Fun. Do not Deny baby the privilege of Putting his Fat little Finger under the Needle. It will Make pretty holes in the Finger and give Baby something to occupy his Attention for a Long time.
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“ It asks What is Home without a Mother. When Miss Hortense gets it Done, she will Give it to her Beau, who Tends a Dry Goods counter. You cannot see Miss Hortense’s Mother. She is in the Back Yard doing the Week’s Washing. By and by she will be Bringing in Coal for the Parlor Stove, because Miss Hortense’s beau is Coming to-night.
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A Toilet Episode. Mamma’s Tooth-brush is on the Bureau. Suppose we scrub out the Sink with it. Then Mamma will wonder what she has Eaten to give her such a Bad Breath. She will Think the Tooth-brush has been Sitting up with a Corpse.
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A Terrible Monster. ”