Evelyn E. Smith

“ Peter looked at the anthropologist, but Kendrick was obviously too paralyzed with fright to speak. "As a matter of fact, Your—er—Omnipotence," the physicist said haltingly, "this is not part of our religious ritual. We burn this particular type of incense which we call tobacco, for our own pleasure."
"In other words," Zen said coldly, "you worship yourselves. I work and slave My Godhood to the bone only to have egotists running all over My Planet."
"No, it's nothing like that at all," Kendrick quavered. "We smoke the tobacco to—well—gratify our appetites. Like—like eating, you know." ”

“ Kendrick asked eagerly.
"Zen the Terrible," the king repeated, "Zen the All-Powerful, Zen the Encyclopedic. Surely you have heard of him?" he asked in some surprise. "He's Uxen's own particular, personal and private god, exclusive to our planet."
"Yes, yes, of course I've heard about him," Kendrick said, trembling with hardly repressed excitement.
What a correct attitude! Zen thought. One rarely finds such religious respect among foreigners. ”

“ Iximi told him, putting away the dish towel. "Not if he is determined to find a temple. Because there are no temples. Zen is a god of the Hearth and Home."
"Iximi," Peter said, getting up and coming closer to her, "isn't there some way I can stay here on Uxen, some job I can fill? You're the crown princess—you must have a drag with the civil service." ”

“ In the kitchen, Iximi recalled Zen and together they washed the dishes and listened to the scientists quarreling in the next room.
"You will note the use of incense as standard socio-religious parallelism, Hammond. Men have appetites that must be gratified and so they feel their supreme being must also eat ... only, being a deity, he consumes aromas." ”

“ Kendrick glared at him. "Please remember that I'm the anthropologist," he hissed. "You have got to know how to describe the Transcendental Personality with the proper respect."
"We don't have Zen teleport animate objects," the prime minister explained affably. "Or even inanimate ones if they are fragile. For He tends to lose His Temper sometimes when He feels that He is overworked—" Feels, indeed! Zen said to himself—"and throws things about. We cannot reprove Him for His misbehavior. After all, a god is a god." ”

“ When we get back to Earth, I'm going to be a garbage collector."
"Here on Uxen, Refuse Removal is a Divine Prerogative," Iximi remarked.
"Poor Zen, whatever he is," Peter said to himself. "But a god, being a god," he went on in a louder voice, "can raise himself above the more sordid aspects of the job. As a mere human, I cannot. Iximi, I wonder if...." He looked nervously at his watch. "I hope Kendrick takes his time." ”

“ Which was fine, because the god well knew who the carrier out of requests would be—Zen the Almighty, the All-Powerful, the All-Put-Upon....
"Thank you, Your Majesty," the older of the two scientists said. "We merely seek a retired spot in which to conduct our researches."
"Researches, eh?" the king repeated with warm interest. "Are you perhaps scientists?"
"Yes, Your Majesty." Every one of Zen's perceptors quivered expectantly. Earth science was banned on Uxen, with the result that its acquisition had become the golden dream of every Uxena, including, of course, their god. ”

“ Although it meant he had to overwork the other aspects of his multiple personality, Zen kept one free so that the next day he could join the Earthmen—in spirit, that was—on their excursion in search of a menial.
"If, as an anthropologist, you are interested in local folkways, Professor," Guj remarked graciously, as he and the scientists piled into a scarlet, boat-shaped vehicle, "you will find much to attract your attention in this quaint little planet of ours."
"Are the eyes painted on front of the car to ward off demons?" Kendrick asked. ”

“ Kendrick explained. "We just want a spot to set it up."
Uxlu sighed. "The royal parks are at your disposal. You will undoubtedly require servants?"
"We have a robot, thanks."
"A robot is a mechanical man who does all our housework," Hammond, more courteous than his superior, explained. Zen wondered how he could ever have felt a moment's uneasiness concerning these wonderful strangers. ”

“ What I hear is fraught with import for the future of the planet. Moolai Uxen."
"Moolai Uxen," the princess replied automatically.
"... I wonder how hard it'll be to crash the services," Kendrick went on. "Most primitives don't like outsiders present at their ritual activities."
"Especially if there are actual manifestations of their god," Hammond contributed. "That would mean the priests are up to some sort of trickery, and they wouldn't care to run the risk of having us see through—"
He was interrupted by a loud crash from the kitchen.
"Are you all right, Iximi!" he yelled. "Need any help?" ”

“ Kendrick told him. "In the first place, she is obviously the most expensive model. Secondly, she would be too distracting for you. And, finally, a pretty girl is never as good a worker as a plain.... We'll take that one." The professor pointed to the dumpiest and oldest of the women. "How much should I offer to start, Your Excellency? No sense beginning the bidding too high. We Earthmen aren't made of money, in spite of what the rest of the Galaxy seems to think." ”

“ Zen wished he could join them, but he couldn't materialize on that plane without incense, and he preferred his subjects not to know that he could be invisibly present, especially on his day off. Of course, his Immaterial Omnipresence was a part of the accepted dogma, but there is a big difference between accepting a concept on a basis of faith or of proven fact.
"Curious researches," the king said, emerging from the conference, "that require both physics and anthropology."
"Yes," said Kendrick. "They are rather involved at that." Peter Hammond shuffled his feet. ”

“ He'd accepted the perquisites of divinity with pleasure then. It was some little time before he discovered its drawbacks, and by then it was too late; he had become the established church.
All the aspects of his personality rested ... save one, that is. And that one, stretching out an impalpable tendril of curiosity, brought back to his total consciousness the news that a spaceship from Earth had arrived when no ship from Earth was due.
So what? the total consciousness asked lazily of itself. Probably they have a large out-of-season order for hajench. ”

“ Peter added more helpfully, "that some of the natives still do menial labor themselves."
"How disgusting that there should still be a planet so backward that human beings should be forced to do humiliating tasks," Kendrick said.
You don't know the half of it, either, Zen thought, shocked all the way back to his physical being. It had never occurred to him that the functions of gods on other planets might be different than on Uxen ... ”

“ Kendrick repeated. "You mean they sell servants here?"
Guj raised his snowy eyebrows. "Sold? Certainly not; they are leased for two years apiece. After all, if you have no lease, what guarantee do you have that your servants will stay after you have trained them? None whatsoever."
When the two scientists had gone, Iximi emerged from behind a bright-colored tapestry depicting Zen in seven hundred and fifty-three of his Attributes.
"The younger one is not at all bad-looking," she commented, patting her hair into place. "I do like big blond men. ”

“ He hoped Iximi would make sure they burned him tobacco regularly—really good stuff; almost made godhood worthwhile. But then he'd felt that way about incense at first. No, he had other ideas for making divinity worthwhile, and Iximi was going to help him, even if she didn't know it. ”

“ Guj patted the forepart of the vehicle. It purred and fluttered long eyelashes. "We breed an especially bouncy strain with seats; they're so much more comfortable, you know."
"You mean this is a live animal?" ”