F. Scott Fitzgerald

“ JUDGE FOSSILE. Silence! I will pronounce sentence of impeachment on this enemy of mankind. Look upon him!
They all look dourly at Jerry.
Now, gentlemen, the astronomers tell us that in the far heavens, near the southern cross, there is a vast space called the hole in the sky, where the most powerful telescope can discover no comet nor planet nor star nor sun.
They all look very cold and depressed. Jerry shivers. Fish picks up Dada’s abandoned telescope and begins an eager examination of the firmament. ”

“ The lawn, bounded by a white brick wall, is no less attractive. Not only are there white vines and flowers, a beautiful white tree, and a white table and chairs, but, also, a large sign over the gate, which bears the President’s name pricked out in electric bulbs.
Two white kittens are strolling along the wall, enjoying the ten-o’clock sunshine. A blond parrot swings in a cage over the table, and one of the chairs is at present occupied by a white fox-terrier puppy about the size of your hand. ”

“ GENERAL PUSHING [in horror] . Do you mean to say that there’s one American citizen who does not desire the sacred duty of being President? Sir, may I ask, then, just what you do want?
JERRY [wildly] . Yes! I want to be left alone.
Outside the wall Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band strikes up “The Bee’s Knees.” The Senators arise respectfully and remove their hats, and General Pushing, drawing his sword, stands at the salute.
Four husky baggage smashers stagger out of the White House with the trunks of the Frost family, and hurry with them through the gate. ”

“ It’s a very depressing thing to me, President Frost. [With his hand on the gate latch.] I suppose you want me to tell ’em you won’t resign, don’t you?
JONES. We won’t resign.
FISH. Well, then it’s only right to tell you that Judge Fossile of the Supreme Court will bring a motion of impeachment at three o’clock this afternoon.
He turns melancholy eyes on Doris’s window. He kisses his hand toward it in a tragic gesture of farewell. Then he goes out.
Jerry looks at Mr. Jones as though demanding encouragement.
JERRY. They don’t know the man they’re up against, do they, Mr. Jones? ”

“ Come on, Mr. President, be reasonable. Give me that coat and hat. Nobody appreciates a good joke any more than I do, but——
JERRY [emphatically] . No, I won’t give them to you. I’m a general, and I’m going to war. You can stay around here. [Sarcastically, to Mr. Jones.] He’ll straighten everything out, Mr. Jones.
GENERAL PUSHING [pleadingly] . Mr. President, I’ve waited for this war for forty years. You wouldn’t take away my coat and hat like that, just as we’ve got it almost ready.
JERRY [pointing to the shirtsleeves] . That’s a nice costume to be hanging around the White House in. ”

“ Jerry sits down wearily and puts his hat on the table.
JONES. I’m sorry to say there’s trouble in the air, Mr. President. It’s what we might refer to as the Idaho matter.
JERRY. The Idaho matter?
JONES. Senator Fish has received orders from Idaho to demand your resignation at eleven o’clock this morning.
JERRY. I never liked that bunch of people they got out there in Idaho.
JONES. Well, I just thought I’d tell you—so you could think about it.
JERRY [hopefully] . Maybe I’ll get some idea how to fix it up. I’m a very resourceful man. I always think of something. ”

“ JERRY. The State of Idaho is nothing but a bunch of mountains. I’ve traded it to the nation of Irish Poland for the Buzzard Islands.
Mr. Jones hands the treaty to Judge Fossile.
FISH [on his feet] . Judge Fossile, the people of Idaho——
SNOOKS. Treason! Treason! Set down, fella! You’re a subject of the nation of Irish Poland.
JERRY [pointing to Fish] . Those foreigners think they can run this country.
The other Senators shrink away from Fish.
JUDGE FOSSILE [to Fish] . If you want to speak as a citizen of the United States, you’ll have to take out naturalization papers. ”

“ I came here to help you, Mr. Frost. [With warning emphasis.] Perhaps you are aware that the sovereign State of Idaho is about to ask your resignation.
JERRY [now thoroughly resentful] . Look at here, suppose you be the President for a while, if you know so much about it.
GENERAL PUSHING [complacently] . I’ve often thought that what this country needs is a military man at the head of it.
JERRY. All right, then, you just take off that hat and coat!
Jerry takes off his own coat. Jones rushes forward in alarm.
JONES. If there’s going to be a fight hadn’t we all better go into the billiard-room? ”

“ DORIS. So were a lot of other old nuts. Come on—let’s go hire the music for our wedding reception.
FISH [remembering something with a start] . Doris—Doris, would you have a wedding reception with me if you knew—if you knew the disagreeable duty——
DORIS. Knew what?
FISH. Nothing. I’m going to be happy, anyways [he looks at his watch] —for almost an hour.
They go out through the garden gate.
And now President Jerry Frost himself is seen to leave his window and in a minute he emerges from the Executive Mansion. He wears a loose-fitting white flannel frock coat, and a tall white stovepipe hat. ”

“ JONES. There’s just one more man out here to see you and he says he came to do you a favor. His name is—the Honorable Snooks, or Snukes, Ambassador from Irish Poland.
JERRY. What country’s that?
JONES. Irish Poland’s one of the new European countries. They took a sort of job lot of territories that nobody could use and made a country out of them. It’s got three or four acres of Russia and a couple of mines in Austria and a few lots in Bulgaria and Turkey.
JERRY. Show them all out here.
JONES. There’s only one. [He goes into the White House, returning immediately.] ”

“ DORIS. Look at here! What do you mean—have you been spending that money—that doesn’t belong to you, you know—on some fast woman?
DADA [as usual, he doesn’t quite hear] . Yes, it’s all gone. I went down yesterday morning and I said to myself: “Horatio, you got only seven thousand dollars left, and you got to work from morning till night and get rid of it.” And I did.
DORIS [furious, but impressed at the magnitude of the crime] . ”

“ DORIS. Of course not. They just call it that because they look kind of like orang-outangs. And they play kind of like orang-outangs, sort of. I mean the way orang-outangs would play if they knew how to play at all.
JERRY [to Stutz-Mozart] . Well, you’ll have to get them away from here. I can’t have a lot of senators and judges coming in and finding me with a bunch of men that look like orang-outangs. ”

“ DADA. When you grow older you’ll find there are a lot of things you don’t know. [To Fish.] Do you know my son Jerry?
DORIS [utterly disgusted] . Oh, gosh!
FISH. I met your son before he was elected President and I’ve seen him a lot of times since then, on account of being Senator from Idaho and all, and on account of Doris. You see, we’re going to have our wedding reception this afternoon——
In the middle of this speech Dada’s mind has begun to wander. He utters a vague “Hm!” and moves off, paying no further attention, and passing through the swinging doors into the White House. ”

“ SNOOKS. The Buzzard Islands. Property of the country of Irish Poland. Garden spots. Flowery paradises ina middle of the Atlantic. Rainbow Islandsa milk an’ honey, palms an’ pines, smellin’ with good-smellin’ woods and high-priced spices. Fulla animals with million buck skins and with birds that’s got feathers that the hat dives on Fifth Avenue would go nuts about. The folks in ee islands—swell-lookin’, husky, square, rich, one hunerd per cent Buzzardites.
JERRY [startled] . You mean Buzzards? ”