Frank R. Heine

“ A man has special muscles just to corrugate his brow; the Lord knew when he fashioned them that they'd be used, and how. I want my friends without veneer, straightforward as can be; and I will grant them outlet for innate depravity. Why bluff and play that grief's not real? Why blush to shed a tear? A temper may be lost and found, with Paradise still near. No need to gloom or grouch or fret, no need to howl or whine; but may the right to voice a grief or own a pain be mine.
[19]
If You'd Marry
Advice to wimmin "On Marriage," by the Jumbler. ”

“ THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES
Greetings
A New Year Greeting in which the Jumbler hopes to meet you soon.
My wish most dear for your New Year
I'm quite sincere in giving;
When next we meet, on Easy Street
I hope that you'll be living.
P. S.—And I hope I meet you soon.
[10]
Introspection
The old nag, Pegasus, invites the Jumbler to an introspective mood as he lopes along. It is Thanksgiving, 1917.
Am I thankful?
Let-me-see—
World, Flesh, Devil
Good to me;
Friends still loyal,
Coin in banks—
Stop this minute! ”

“ For, Girl, he loves you so!
And he, dear one, a king can be—
Yes, by one way alone:
That you, his Queen, through love for him,
Should raise him to your throne.
But whether he be king or serf,
Of this be sure: thou art
A mighty queen, whose realm is wide—
You reign o'er all his heart.
[24]
Lotus Eating
In the land of In-a-minute, the land of Lots-of-time,
The land of What's-the-hurry? Manna-land sublime;
The land of Sleep-a-whole-lot,—to me it ofttimes seems
I sure should like to live there, for I'd have time for Dreams.
(Here the Jumbler becomes personal) ”

“ To hold your love through Pity's sake
For what I once had been.
"Yours till death!" is what they say;
But isn't it enough
To say, "Dear Girl, I sure am yours
Until the wheels fall off?"
[75]
And here the Jumbler entertains the children with a few Nursery rhymes:
[76]
The Evening Bath
(Apartment Next Door) .
I try to read—but really, what's the use?
You'd think, I swear, 'twas Bedlam broken loose;
A scream! And then I hear, "Oh mercy! Ouch! My ear! ”

“ Pay! Pay!! Pay!!!
In which the Jumbler notes the profusion and the pertinacity of the Pauls and the pitiful paucity of Peters.
I'm daily robbing Peter for to pay Old Mr. Paul;
I swear it's hard them both to satisfy;
Pauls in legions me pursue, but the Peters are so few—
I lie awake at night and wonder why.
The hope of every Peter is some day to be a Paul.
Then little Peters must be set to sprout. ”

“ Now I, for one, refuse to live a grinning Cheshire cat. I'm just as human, mad as glad—a fool can tell you that. All sunshine makes a desert waste, and honey-words soon pall; because someone's in harder luck can't make me glad at all. ”

“ With all the orthodox doctrines extant,
But if t' Heaven you'd go, then you might as well know
[48] 'Nless you smile throughout life—well, you can't!
There's nothing worth while can't be won with a smile—
A maxim you prove when you try—
I must now be gone to pass the word on;
There're others who need it. Good-bye!"
———:———
My story you've heard—well, then, just one word:—
Is anyone now within sight?
Just smile on him, do—why, he's smiling at you!
Your very first test proves I'm right.
[49]
Myself and Me
Unlike George Cohan, the Jumbler doesn't love himself. ”

“ A MEDLEY
(Rendered by the Jumbler during the Intermission) .
[39]
I 'Ear Noes
The Jumbler turns some anatomical terms.
The night has a thousand eyes,
The day to one lays claim;
The big brown pair that you, dear, wear
Sure puts them all to shame. ”

“ To the boys who have found the old War Horse a dangerous animal, have come to cropper in the Big Muss, and are now assigned to bunk fatigue, we offer these rhymes. Though, they are crippled; and limp, and halt, and stumble at times—yet we trust they may, for all that, break through when General Monotony is entertaining a company of Blue Devils, and for a few moments, at least, put to rout serious and somber thoughts. ”

“ But of all the palate-ticklers on the whole world's bill of fare,
Whether ladled out at morning, night or noon,
Not a gustatory stimulant that I know can compare
With a little dab of taffy on a spoon.
[14]
If a man is grouched or peevish, if in doling cash he's slow—
Just a little bit of taffy—presto! won!!
Every married woman knows it—every girlie ought to know:
If you feed a man of taffy he's undone.
When a man tries introspection, then he stacks up mighty small ”

“ When the weather's cold (not immodest nor sin)
The Grocer comes forth just in his bear skin.
The Cubs, thus bereft, were frightened quite,
They sobbed and they cried with all of their might.
"Come, Bairns," said Ma, "let's off to the wood;
I'll get you a new pa who'll do as Bears should."
She did it and made a most excellent wife,
And all are now living the happiest life.
[87]
Missing You
Impelled by lonesomeness, the Jumbler is inspired to this bit of sentimental rhyme.
Feeling mighty lonely ”

“ The Dirty-neck Policeman he jes' grabs you,
And if he finds your neck's not clean and white,
He carries you away in spite of begging,
And keeps you from your mother all that night!
Next day his ugly wife gets soap and water,
And scrubs you with a great big curry-comb;
And if you cry she fills your mouth with soap-suds,
Till you promise you will keep clean when you get home.
[79]
The Black-hand Man keeps hidin' 'round the corner,
A-lookin' at your knuckles and your nails;
And if they're dirty he jes' rushes at you
And grabs you with a hook—he never fails! ”

“ In a versatile manner the Jumbler approaches sundry themes, wherein is revealed his love for Home, Country and Eats.
[56]
18 to 45
The Jumbler found the niche in which he fit—for just one day.
I'm something over eighteen, yet
I'm under forty-five!
I've no flat feet, no leaky valves,
No wife and babes alive. ”

“ As children ofttimes we were wont
To criticise and fuss
About the victuals that were cooked
And served by ma to us:
"Too salty" this, and "too sweet" that;
"You've had this twice since Sunday;
You always have what others like,
You might please me just one day." ”

“ The Jumbler, like Foss, loses a boy.
I have a friend called "Buster"—
A little child last Fall—
But now he's grown so very big
I scarce know him at all.
Almost a man! His folks are proud
And fairly beam with joy ”

“ The risk's too great of losing all—
So mine still stay in dreams.
[23]
Should Dreams Come True
The Jumbler wakes up and credits himself with a big heart.
This man, O girl with charms untold,
Has dreamed of Love and You ”