Frank R. Stockton

“ On our way down-stairs we had to pass the partly open door of our own room. I could not help holding up the lantern to look in. There was the bed, with its fair white covering and its smooth, soft pillows; there were the easy-chairs, the pretty curtains, the neat and cheerful carpet, the bureau, with Euphemia's work-basket on it; there was the little table with the book that we had been reading together, turned face downward upon it; there were my slippers; there was—
“Come!” said Euphemia, “I can't bear to look in there. It's like a dead child.” ”

“ Pomona and I gently drove her to the barn, while Euphemia endeavored to quiet the violent demonstrations of the dog (fortunately chained) by assuring him that this was OUR cow and that she was to live here, and that he was to take care of her and never bark at her. All this and much more, delivered in the earnest and confidential tone in which ladies talk to infants and dumb animals, made the dog think that he was to be let loose to kill the cow, and he bounded and leaped with delight, tugging at his chain so violently that Euphemia became a little frightened and left him. ”

“ There must be plenty of them down at that creek."
"Down there!" exclaimed Euphemia. "Why, there are thousands of them here! I never saw anything like it. They're getting worse every minute."
"I'll tell you what we must do," I exclaimed, jumping up. "We must make a smudge."
"What's that? Do you rub it on yourself?" asked Euphemia anxiously.
"No; it's only a great smoke. Come, let us gather up dry leaves and make a smouldering fire of them."
We managed to get up a very fair smudge, and we stood to the leeward of it, until Euphemia began to cough and sneeze, as if her head would come off. ”

“ I cried.
"Yes," said he; "a canal-boat."
"Furnished? " asked Euphemia, her eyes glistening.
"Well, no," answered the doctor; "I don't think you could expect that."
"But we can't live on the bare floor," said Euphemia; "our house must be furnished."
"Well, then, I suppose this won't do," said the doctor ruefully, "for there isn't so much as a boot-jack in it. It has most things that are necessary for a boat, but it hasn't anything that you could call house-furniture; but, dear me, I should think you could furnish it very cheaply and comfortably out of your book." ”

“ All this greatly charmed Euphemia. It was so cute, so complete. There were no interviews with disagreeable trades-people, none of the ordinary annoyances of housekeeping. Everything seemed to be done with a bell, a speaking-tube or a crank.
“Indeed,” said the ex-boarder, “if it were not for people tripping over the wires, I could rig up attachments by which I could sit in the parlor, and by using pedals and a key-board, I could do all the work of this house without getting out of my easy-chair.” ”

“ I saw the truth of the remark, and determined to bear with the bones and her rather than be unkind.
That night Euphemia informed the girl of her decision, and the next morning, soon after I had left, the good German appeared with her bonnet on and her carpet-bag in her hand, to take leave of her mistress.
"What!" cried Euphemia. "You are not going to-day?"
"If it is goot to go at all, it is goot to go now," said the girl.
"And you will go off and leave me without any one in the house, after my putting myself out to give you a fair notice? It's shameful!" ”

“ The house, as Euphemia remarked, was anything but flat. It was very tall indeed—the tallest house in the neighbourhood. We entered the vestibule, the outer door being open, and beheld, on one side of us, a row of bellhandles. Above each of these handles was the mouth of a speaking-tube, and above each of these, a little glazed frame containing a visiting-card.
"Isn't this cute?" said Euphemia, reading over the cards. "Here's his name, and this is his bell and tube! Which would you do first, ring or blow?" ”

“ Couldn't you let me have a little supper, at any rate?"
Euphemia glanced at me. I nodded.
"You are welcome to some supper," she said; "come in! We eat in the kitchen because it is more convenient, and because it is so much more cheerful than the dining-room. There is a pump out there, and here is a towel, if you would like to wash your hands." ”

“ I asked.
"Oh, that's the other fellow," said Pomona. "He's no harm." And then, as the tramp made a movement as if he would try to come down and make a rush for safety during the absence of the dog, she called out: "Here, boy! here, boy!" and in an instant Lord Edward was again raging at his post at the foot of the apple-tree, followed, as before, by Euphemia and Pomona. ”

“ But I am naturally very sensitive to external impressions, and I do not like the company of people who, like our girl, cannot read without pronouncing in a measured and distinct voice every word of what they are reading. And when the matter thus read appeals to one's every sentiment of aversion, and there is no way of escaping it, the case is hard indeed.
From the first, I felt inclined to order Pomona, if she could not attain the power of silent perusal, to cease from reading altogether; but Euphemia would not hear of this. ”

“ You could have sat out on your back porch night and day for the whole two weeks, and breathed all the fresh air that any man could need."
"Yes," said I, "and I might have gone down cellar and put my head in the cold-air-box of the furnace. But there wouldn't have been much fun in that."
"There are a good many things that there's no fun in," said the captain. "Do you cook your own meals, or have them sent from the house?"
"Cook them ourselves, of course," said Euphemia. "We are going to have supper now. Won't you wait and take some?" ”

“ When I had brought the horse some water in a bucket—and what a pleasure it was to water one's own horse!—Euphemia rushed into the house and got her hat and cloak, and we took a little drive.
I doubt if any horse ever drew two happier people. Euphemia said but little about the carriage. That was a necessary adjunct, and it was good enough for the present. But the horse! How nobly and with what vigor he pulled us up the hills and how carefully and strongly he held the carriage back as we went down! ”

“ If necessary to send for anything, she could go to the fence, back of the barn, and scream across a small field to some of the numerous members of old John's family. Under this arrangement, I felt that the house was perfectly safe.
Before she could reach us, I called out:
“Why did you leave the house, Pomona? Don't you know you should never come away and leave the house empty? I thought I had made you understand that.”
“It isn't empty,” said Pomona, in an entirely unruffled tone. “Your old boarder is there, with his wife and child.”
Euphemia and I looked at each other in dismay. ”

“ She was always as tranquil and good-humoured about her poultry-yard as if every hen laid an egg every day, and a hen-chick was hatched out of every egg.
For it may be remembered that the principle underlying Euphemia's management of her poultry was what might be designated as the "cumulative hatch." That is, she wished every chicken hatched in her yard to become the mother of a brood of her own during the year, and every one of this brood to raise another brood the next year, and so on, in a kind of geometrical progression. ”

“ For some weeks we examined into every style of economic and respectable housekeeping, and many methods of living in what Euphemia called "imitation comfort" were set aside as unworthy of consideration.
"My dear," said Euphemia, one evening, "what we really ought to do is to build. Then we would have exactly the house we want."
"Very true," I replied; "but to build a house, a man must have money."
"Oh, no!" said she, "or at least not much. For one thing, you might join a building association. In some of those societies I know that you only have to pay a dollar a week." ”

“ I thought people who camped out caught big fish, and lots of them?"
"That depends a good deal upon where they go," said I.
"Yes, I suppose so," replied Euphemia; "but I should think a stream as big as this would have plenty of fish in it. However, if you can't catch any, you might go up to the road and watch for Mr. Mulligan. He sometimes comes along on Mondays."
"I'm not going to the road to watch for any fish-man," I replied, a little more testily than I should have spoken. "What sort of camping-out would that be? But we must not be talking here or I shall never get a bite. ”

“ The tree agent turned and walked slowly away.
"Now, look-a-here," cried the tramp from the tree, in the voice of a very ill-used person, "ain't you goin' to fasten up that dog and let me get down?"
I walked up close to the tree and addressed him.
"No," said I, "I am not. When a man comes to my place, bullies a young girl who was about to relieve his hunger, and then boldly determines to enter my house and help himself to my property, I don't propose to fasten up any dog that may happen to be after him. If I had another dog, I'd let him loose and give this faithful beast a rest. ”