G. E. Farrow

“ When he heard that there burglar a-creeping.
But presently thinking "Poor fellow, there's naught
In the house worth a burglar a-taking,
And, being a kind-hearted lord, p'r'aps I ought,
To explain the mistake he's a-making."
Lord William, then still in his woolly night-cap
(For appearances noblemen don't care a rap) ,
His second-best dressing-gown hastily sought,
And got up without any noise making.
"I'm exceedingly sorry," his lordship began,
"But your visit, I fear, will be fruitless.
I possess neither money, nor jewels, my man,
So your burglaring here will be bootless. ”

“ His Lordship sat
Aghast. "'Tis almost treason!
That unpremeditated joke before
Has never failed to raise a roar.
"Defective in morality,
Must be that man misguided,
Who fails its brilliancy to see."
His Lordship then decided
To send the man,—despite his tears,—
To servitude, for twenty years. ”

“ For Li-Kwize he was subtle, as subtle could be,
He'd a far better plan up his sleeve, don't you see.
He went to the house where Lord Algy's mamma,
A stern, and a haughty old dame,
Was staying, and, tho' it was all in dumb show,
He managed—somehow,—that the lady should know
Exactly her son's little game,
The equivalent Japanese noise for a kiss
He expressed,—its significance no one could miss.
In pantomime glibly he told the whole tale,
While the lady grew pale, and irate:
"Ha! what's that you say? Takes tea there each day?
Geisha? Tea-shop indeed! Come, show me the way! ”

“ And of all that I know—why, your lordship's the best.
"I am wealthy," the burglar continued, "you see,
And her fortune will really be ample:
I have given her every advantage, and she
Is a person quite up to your sample."
Lord William, at first, was inclined to look glum,
But, on thinking it over, remarked: "I will come
In the morning, to-morrow, the lady to see
If indeed she is up to the sample."
On the morrow he called, and the lady he saw,
And he found her both charming and witty;
So he married her, though for a father-in-law
He'd a burglar, which p'r'aps was a pity. ”

“ One day there appeared—Sharpe could never tell how,—
In a costume unusually airy,
A young lady. "Dear me!
How surprising!" said he.
"Now, who upon earth can this young person be?
Is it possible? Why! it's a Fairy!"
"You are right, Septimus," said the Fairy—"quite right,
For, in fact, I'm your Fairy Grandmother!"
Sharpe had to confess,
"I already possess
Two grandmothers. ”

“ Some little crank, or something, he'd not done,
Because the mechanism he'd not un-
Derstood.
Result? Poor fellow!
To this day, he flies
Along the roads, with
Starting eyes, and cries
For help—which nobody can give him, for
He's doomed to ride until the thing busts, or—
He dies. ”

“ I should think we should suit one another."
So he wrote to the lady, and she wrote to him,
And the lady requested a photo,
But he thought, "I'm not young, and the picture might dim
Her affection; I'll plead, to the lady, a whim,
And refuse her my photo in toto."
"I'll be happy, however," he wrote, "to arrange
A meeting for Wednesday night.
Hampstead Heath, on the pathway, beside the old Grange,
At a quarter to eight. If you won't think it strange,
Wear a rose—I shall know you at sight." ”

“ Yes, life is full of ups and downs,
As someone said in days of yore.
They buried Brown
At Camden Town
(The place where he had lived before) ;
And now, alas! a-lack-a-day!
In black and solemn gowns,
Disconsolate walk Mrs. Brown
And all the little Browns.
III.
THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND BISHOP P.
(With many thanks to Mr. W. S. Gilbert for his kind assurances
that the inclusion of these verses causes him no offence.) ”

“ We criminals has struck!
We're on the 'honest livin' tack,
An' not another crib we'll crack,
So Justices will get the sack!
How's that, my legal buck?"
This gave his Lordship quite a fright,
He had not viewed it in that light.
"Dear me!" he thought, "these men are right,
I'd better smooth them down.
"Let's not fall out, my friends," said he,
"Continue with your burglarie;
Your point of view I clearly see.
Ahem! Here's half-a-crown."
The morning sun shone bright and clear
On angry Mr. Justice Dear ”

“ Der voman scream "A burglar man!"
Und tremble, und look pale;
Der policeman den he take me up,
And march me off to gaol.
Der magistrate some money for
A fine shall make me pay;
Der policeman und der voman
Dey get married yesterday:
So never now I trust no more
All vimens vat I see;
Dey make again some other man
A fool, but never me. ”

“ Did thus articulate:—
"Come! Doctor, come! confess that you're a fraud
A very specious humbug and a sham.
Though meek as any lamb.
Don't glare at me! I'll tell it not abroad
But merely in your ears alone applaud
The wily artifice of pill and dram.
"You know as well as I do, you don't mean,
One half the things you tell 'our patient.' No! ”

“ He gamboled, could I stand it? No!
Alas! that little fly is dead!
Envoy.
Prince. Pity, not your blame, bestow.
Remember all the tears I've shed.
What could I do? It tickled so.
Alas! That little fly is dead.
EPILOGUE.
There,—having sung in dulcet tones
Of Brown, and Robinson, and Jones,
Of poets, cannibals, and kings,
Of burglars, dukes, and such like things—
May kindly Fate our fortunes mend.
We wish you joy. This is
THE END
Transcriber's Note The original spelling and punctuation have been retained.
Variations in hyphenation and compound words have been preserved. ”

“ He went on to declare,
"In such wealth as should cause the whole nation to stare."
There were Thousands—in Shares—for Projectors.
Then he went on imagining mine after mine,
With Prospectuses most high-faluting.
And the Public they fought
For the Shares he had brought
To the Market (they "safer than houses" were thought) ;
And each day some new Company was mooting.
* * *
(Extra Special.) ”

“ I'll endeavour to find in a wife"
(His late wife deceased, I p'r'aps ought to relate,
Four or five years before) , "for this terrible state
Of things worries me out of my life."
So he looked in the papers, and read with delight
Of a "Lady of good education,
A charming complexion, eyes blue (rather light) ,"
Who "would to a gentleman willingly write."
She "preferred one without a relation."
Now Lymmington-Blake was an orphan from birth,
And had neither a sister nor brother,
While of uncles and aunts he'd a similar dearth,
And he thought, "Here's a lady of singular worth ”

“ You're wealthy; I am poor. Of course,
What I proposed would never do.
If only, now, I'd property,
And you were—well, as poor as me——"
"Pooh! that," cried Blobbs, "can never be."
"Think not?" said Webbe. "Well, p'r'aps you're right. ”

“ Romantic, gallant, and in sooth
Might well be called, in very truth
An "Admirable Crichton."
And oh! it grieved him sore to see
The lack,—these times,—of chivalry.
He'd now and then confide to me
His views upon the matter.
"Good, never now is done by stealth!"
He'd say, "Men ruin mind, and health
In sordid scramble after wealth ”

“ I've had this month. I can not wear
White kids at such a pace."
His Lordship thought the matter o'er.
"Crimes ne'er have been so few before;
Not long ago, I heard a score
Of charges every day;
And now—dear me! how can it be?—
And, pondering thus, went home to tea.
(He lives Bayswater way.)
A frugal mind has Justice Dear
(Indeed, I've heard folks call him "near") ,
And, caring naught for jibe or jeer,
He rides home on a bus.
It singularly came to pass,
This day, he chanced to ride, alas!
Beside two of the burglar class;
And one addressed him thus:
"We knows yer, Mr. ”

“ Now "Tatcho" ne'er belies its fame,
And soon a little hair there came
(His Lordship's hair is black) .
Miss Lollipoppee views with glee
The change in worthy Bishop P.
Now quite agreed to wed is she
(The banns were called to-day) .
No "just cause or impediment"
Can interfere with their content;
The natives' loyal sentiment
Is summed up in "Hooray!"
IV.
THAT OF CAPTAIN ARCHIBALD McKAN.
There never lived a worthier man
Than Captain Archibald McKan. ”

“ See how he stands within the dock,
As mild as any lamb.
No! Sixpence fine. You are discharged.
Good morning, William."
Now strange to say, within a week,
Bill Basher had begun
To knock about a lot of other
People "just in fun." ”

“ From Captain Venne must ne'er depart—
She had been left to him;
While "Popsey Petsey" Major Stubbs
Received as his sole legacy
And that was all. The money—oh!
The money—that was left to me.
VIII.
THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN.
Of all the schools throughout the land
St. Vedast's is the oldest, and
All men are proud
(And justly proud)
Who claim St. Vedast's as their Al-
Ma mater. There I went a cal-
Low youth. ”