George Barr McCutcheon

“ Smilk.
Mr. Yollop pushed a big unholstered library chair up to the opposite side of the desk and, after several awkward attempts, succeeded in sitting down, tailor fashion, with his feet neatly tucked away beneath him.
"I wasn't quite sure I could do it," said he, rather proudly. "I suppose my feet will go to sleep in a very short time, but I am assuming, Cassius, that you are too much of a gentleman to attack a man whose feet are asleep." ”

“ Counsel: "You would say that he was big enough and strong enough to pull a trigger, wouldn't you?"
Yollop: "I can't answer that question. I don't know how much strength it requires to pull a trigger."
Counsel: "Ahem! At any rate, he looked as though he was strong enough to pull a trigger?"
Yollop: "I dare say he could have pulled it."
Counsel: "And yet you would have the jury believe that this big, strong, well-nourished man, permitted you—By the by, how much do you weigh, Mr. Yollop!"
Yollop: "About 145 pounds, in my clothes."
Counsel: "You are six feet tall, I should say?" ”

“ Mrs. Smilk: "I wouldn't be up here testifying in his behalf if I thought that, you bet. He ain't that kind of a man. If I thought he was, I'd like to see him hung. I'd like to see—"
The State. "Never mind, Mrs. Smilk. We are not trying your husband for bigamy. I think that is all, your honor."
Counsel for Smilk: "You may be excused, Mrs. Smilk. Take the stand, Cassius."
Instead of obeying Cassius beckoned to him. Then followed a long, whispered conference between lawyer and client, at the end of which the former, visibly annoyed, declared that the defendant had decided not to testify. ”

“ Yollop.
"Hello! Hell—lo! Central!"
"Jiggle it."
"Ah, Mademoiselle! Pardon my—"
Voice at the other end of the wire: "Ring off! You've got wrong number. This is police headquarters." Audible sound of distant receiver being slapped upon its hook.
"Gee whiz! Now, we're up against it, Mister. We'll be all night gettin' Central again."
"Be patient, Cassius. Start all over again. Ask for the morgue this time. That will make her realize the grave danger you are in."
"Say, I wish you'd put that gun in your pocket. It makes the goose flesh creep out all over me. ”

“ Smilk, haggard with worry,—for he had come to think, as the hours went by without a verdict, that there would be a disagreement or, worse than that, an acquittal, in which case he would have to face the charge of bigamy that the district attorney had more than intimated,—Smilk slouched dejectedly into the court room a few minutes before eleven o'clock and went through the familiar process of facing the jury while the jury faced him. ”

“ Champney bound and gagged and everything scattered about the floor, and the jewelry in your possession?"
"It might help," said Cassius. "The trouble is, you never can tell what a damn' fool jury will do, 'specially to a guy with a record like mine."
"You had a splendid record up at Sing Sing," announced the lady. "That's why I had so little trouble—"
"You don't get me," said Cassius lugubriously. "My record is a bad one. I've been paroled twice. That's bound to influence most any jury against me. ”

“ There's a regular organized band of law-breakers operating from one end of the nation to the other. We're tryin' to bust it up, but it's a tough job. The best way to reform a reformer is to rob him. The minute he finds out he's been robbed he turns over a new leaf and begins to beller like a bull about how rotten the police are. Ninety nine times out of a hundred he quits his cussed interferin' with the law and becomes a decent, law-observin' citizen. ”

“ Smilk showed signs of blubbering, a weakness that suddenly gave way to the most energetic indignation. "Why, doggone it, every time I think of what that woman done to me, I could bite a nail in two. If it hadn't been for—"
"Woman? What woman?"
"The woman that got me paroled out. She got I don't know how many people to sign a petition, sayin' I was a fine feller and all that kind o' bunk, and all I needed was a chance to show the world how honest I am and—why, of course, I was honest. How could I help bein' honest up there? What's eatin' the darn fools? ”

“ Yollop, you have testified that you bound and gagged your sister at the direction and command of this defendant and that he rifled the apartment at will, keeping you covered with a revolver. You also have stated that you laid the pistol on the desk, within his reach, when you believed the police to be at the door. Why, did you do that?"
Yollop: "Because I did not think that I needed it any longer."
Counsel, sarcastically: "Oho! so that was the reason, eh?"
Yollop: "Well, I was glad to be rid of it. I was dreading all the time that it might go off accidentally. They frequently do." ”

“ My brother has not been well and if ever a man needed sleep and rest and regular hours, he does. Crittenden, I wish you—"
"Cassius," interrupted Mr. Yollop urbanely, "this is my sister, Mrs. Champney. I want you to repeat—Turn around here, can't you? What's the matter with you?"
"Don't order me around like that," muttered Mr. Smilk, still with his face averted. "I've got the gun now and I'll do as I damn' please. You can't talk to me like—"
"Goodness! Who is this man?" cried the lady, stopping short to regard the blasphemer with shocked, disapproving eyes. ”

“ Yollop kindly. "The poor fellow merely wants to have the law enforced. He says it's a crime the way the law is being violated these days. Or words to that effect, eh, Cassius?"
"Yes, sir. There are more honest, law-abidin' men up in Sing Sing right at this minute than there are in the whole city of New York. Or words to that effect, as you say, Mr. Yollop. The surest and quickest way to make an honest man of a crook is to send him to the pen. ”

“ Come on, Mademoiselle,—please!"
"That's the way," complimented Mr. Yollop.
"By gosh, nobody ever wanted the police more than I do at this minute," gulped Mr. Smilk. He was perspiring freely. "Hello! Police headquarters? ... Hustle someone to—to— (over his shoulder to Mr. Yollop, in a whisper,) —quick! What's the number of this,—"
"418 Sagamore Terrace."
Into the transmitter: "To 418 Sagamore Terrace, third floor front. Burglar. Hurry up!"
Telephone: "What's yer name?"
Smilk, to Yollop: "What is my name?"
Mr. Yollop: "Crittenden Yollop."
Smilk, to telephone: "Crittelyum Yop." ”

“ There seems to be a well-organized movement to interfere with the personal liberty of criminals, Mr. Poppup. These here sentimental reformers take it upon themselves to say whether a feller shall stay in prison or not. First, they come up there and pick out some poor helpless feller and say 'it's a crime to keep a good-lookin', intelligent boy like you in prison, so we're going to get you out on parole and make an honest, upright citizen of you. We're going to get you a nice job',—and so on and so forth. Well, before he knows it, he's out and has to put up a bluff of workin' for a livin'. ”

“ By Jove, I wish my sister could have heard all you've been saying about prisons and paroles and police. I ought to have had sense enough to call her. She's asleep at the other end of the hall."
"I hate women," growled Mr. Smilk. "Ever since that pie-faced dame got me chucked out of Sing Sing,—say, let me tell you something else she done to me. ”

“ Smilk, with dignity, "and I wish you'd do the same."
"Ahem! Well, light up, Cassius. I think I'll smoke a cigar. When you get through with the matches, push 'em over this way, will you? Help yourself to those chocolate creams. There's a pound box of them at your elbow, Cassius. I eat a great many. They're supposed to be fattening. Help yourself." After lighting his cigar Mr. Yollop inquired: "By the way, since you speak so feelingly I gather that you are a paroled convict." ”

“ Yollop knew nothing about firearms. And so, after he had overpowered the burglar and relieved him of a fully loaded thirty-eight, he was singularly unimpressed by the following tribute from the bewildered and somewhat exasperated captive:
"Say, ain't you got any more sense than to tackle a man with a gun, you chuckle-headed idiot?" ”

“ Counsel for Smilk, benignly: "The defense has no objection."
The State, after examining the document: "It is quite regular. With the court's permission, I will submit the document to the jury."
The Court, to Smilk's counsel: "Do you desire to offer this document in evidence?"
Counsel: "It had not occurred to us that it was necessary, but now that a point is being made of it, I will ask that it be introduced as evidence."
The State, passing the certificate to the court reporter for his identification mark: "You have never been divorced from the defendant, have you, Mrs. Smilk?" ”

“ Smilk hastily. "I want you to take my roll of bills and hide it before the police come. That ain't much to ask, is it?"
"Bless my soul! How extraordinary!"
"There's something over six hundred dollars in the roll," went on Cassius confidentially. "It ain't that I'm afraid the cops will grab it for themselves, understand. But, you see, it's like this. The first thing the judge asks you when you are arraigned is whether you got the means to employ a lawyer. If you ain't, he appoints some one and it don't cost you a cent. ”

“ The judge looks over his spectacles and says to himself, "by gosh, he's a tough lookin' bird, that guy is;" the District Attorney goes around tellin' everybody in a whisper that you're a desperate character; the clerk of the court, the stenographer and all the bailiffs sort of wake up and act busy; the men waiting to be examined for jobs on the jury begin to fidget and wonder whether the judge is a "crab" or a nice, decent feller what'll let 'em off when they tell him they got sickness in the family, and all of 'em ha tin' you worse than poison because you didn't plead guilty. ”

“ Now, if I go down to the Tombs with all this money, why, by gosh, it will cost me just that much to get sent to Sing Sing, 'cause whatever you've got in the shape of real money is exactly what your lawyer's fee will be, and it don't seem sensible to spend all that money to get sent up when you can obtain the same result for nothin'. Ain't that so?"
"It sounds reasonable, Cassius. You appear to be a thrifty as well as an honest fellow. ”

“ Yollop imperturbably. "Sometimes it is very difficult to wake them after two o'clock A.M. Just jiggle it if she doesn't respond at once. Seems that jiggling wakes them when nothing else will."
Mr. Yollop, very tall and spare in his pajamas, stood behind the burly Mr. Smilk, the dangling disc almost touching the latter's hunched up shoulders.
"This is a devil of a note," quoth Mr. Smilk, taking down the receiver. "Makin' a guy telephone to the police to come and arrest him." ”

“ Aren't you going to the penitentiary for fifteen or twenty years? Aren't you-"
"You're right,—you're right," broke in Cassius, drawing a deep breath. "I guess I had a kind of a brainstorm. It was the jewels that done it. Funny how a feller gets the feelin' that he just has to give diamonds and pearls to his girl. It came over me all of a sudden. The only things I ever gave that girl was a moleskin coat, a sable collar and muff, and a gold mesh bag with seventy-eight dollars and a lace handkerchief in it. ”

“ Yollop, as Smilk hung up the receiver and twisted his head slightly to peek out of the corner of his eye, "is how to get hold of my slippers. You've no idea how cold this floor is."
"If it's half as cold as the sweat I'm—-"
"We're likely to have a long wait," went on the other, frowning. "It will probably take the police a couple of hours to find this building, with absolutely no clue except the number and the name of the street."
"I'll tell you what you might do, Mr. Scollop, seein' as you won't trust me to go in and find your slippers for you. Why don't you sit on your feet? ”

“ Wouldn't you, as an intelligent man, assume that a pound of chocolates might have the effect of restoring to a half-starved man a portion of his waning strength,—at least a sufficient amount to encourage him to put up some kind of a fight against you? ”

“ Smilk put his right foot back into its drawer and withdrew the left.
"Gets you right across this tendon on the back of your ankle," he said. "Now, you take the daily life of the average laboring man," he went on earnestly. "What does he get out of it? Nothin' but expenses. The only thing that don't cost him something is work. And all the time he's at work his expenses are goin' on just the same, pilin' up durin' his absence from home. Rent, food, fuel, light, doctor, liquor, clothes, shoes,—everything pilin' up on him while he's workin' for absolutely nothin' between pay days. ”

“ Now I'm only tellin' you the way the thing looks to me. I don't think that woman is Wollop's sister any more than she is mine. It's a frame-up, the whole thing is. Look at the way this Wollop says he tied her up and all that. Humph!—Can't you fellers see through this whole business? He tied her up so's the police would find her tied up, that's what he done. The chances are she's some woman customer of his that's got stuck on him, tryin' hats and all that,—and maybe gettin' all the hats she wants for nothin',—and this feller Smilk he gets onto the game and goes out for a little money. ”

“ Still I believe Spring 3100—"
"The simplest way to get the police," broke in the burglar, not without hope, "is to fire five shots out of a window as rapidly as possible. They always come for that."
"I see what you are after. You want them to come here and arrest me for violating the Sullivan Law. Don't you know it's against the law in New York to have a revolver on your premises or person? And what's more, you would testify against me, confound you. Also probably have me up for assault and battery. No, Mr. Smilk, your suggestion is not a good one. We will stick to the telephone. ”

“ The foreman interrupted Mr. Pushkin.
"So you want to acquit the defendant because his lawyer said he was hungry,—is that it?"
"I don't blame nobody for stealing when he is almost starved to death and got a wife and children almost starved to death too because he cannot get a job yet. You bet I don't. ”

“ First offenders get off fairly easy. We simply sneak in and take their silver and some loose jewelry. The more hardened they are, the worse we treat 'em. Ring leaders some times get beat up so badly it's impossible to identify 'em at the morgue. But in time we'll smash the gang, and then if a feller goes up for ten, twenty or even thirty years he'll know there's no underhanded work goin' on and he can settle down to an honest life. The only way to stop crime in this country, Mr. Yollop, is to—"
"Thank you."
"—is to make EVERYBODY respect the law. ”

“ Please remember that no matter how distant she is, she still expects you to look upon her as a lady. No lady likes to be sworn at at two o'clock in the morning. Speak gently to her. Call her Madamoiselle. That always gets them. Makes 'em think if they keep their ears open they'll hear something spicy."
"They general fall for dearie," said Mr. Smilk, taking down the receiver.
"Be good enough to remember that you are calling from my apartment," said Mr. Yollop severely. ”

“ There wouldn't be one tenth as much stealin' and murderin' as there is if they didn't force us into it. Why, doggone it, I've seen some of the most cruel and pitiful sights you ever heard of up there at Sing Sing. Fellers leadin' a perfectly honest life suddenly chucked out into a world full of vice and iniquity and forced—absolutely forced,—into a life of crime. There they were, livin' a quiet, peaceful life, harmin' nobody, and bing! they wake up some mornin' and find themselves homeless. Do you realize what that means, Mr. Strumpet? It means—"
"Yollop, if you please." ”