George Colman

“ More simpleton I!—to stand, like a thin-clad booby, in a hard shower, under an unroofed penthouse. Truly, for a fool of my experience, I have but little wisdom: and yet a camp suits well with my humour; take away the fighting—the sleeping in a field—the bad fare—the long marches, and the short pay—and a soldier's is a rare merry life.—Here come two more musterers—troth we have need of them—for, considering the goodness of the cause, they drop in as sparingly as mites into a poor's box. ”

“ Enter Gondibert.
All. Hail, noble Captain!
Gondi. How now, my bold and rugged companions! What has been done in my absence?
1 Rob. Oh, sir, a deal of business—We have been washing down old scores, and getting vigour for new. We have had a cup for every breach of the law we have committed. Marry, sir, ours is a rare cellar, to stand such a soaking.
Gondi. Now then, to a business of greater import. I have been lurking round the camp, here, on the skirts of the forest. The parties have met, and a hot battle ensued. ”

“ Exeunt Adeline and Gondibert.
Gregory. Here's a simple change in a man's fortune! Now might I, when I say 'tis he—were it not as plain 'tis he as a nose is a nose—swear that my eyes were putting a lie in my mouth, in very spite of my teeth.—Oh, the quiet, comfortable days that I shall see again! Mercy on me! 'Tis enough to make a coward tremble, to think on the battles my valour has been put to. Nothing, now again, but old fare, old rubbing of spoons, and a cup of old sherry, behind the old pantry door, to comfort my nose, in a cold frosty morning. ”

“ Adeline. 'Tis brief.—I have been sorely wrung, sir, by the keen pressure of mishap.—I once had friends: they have left me. One whom I thought a special one—a noble gentleman—who pledged himself, by all the ties that are most binding to a man, to guard my uninstructed youth—even he, to whom my soul looked up; whom, I might say, I loved as with a woman's tenderness,—even he has, now, deserted me. ”

“ Enter Gregory and Adeline, hastily.
Gregory. Run, run, madam! follow a blockhead's advice, and run, or 'tis all over with us.
Adeline. Whither shall I fly! Fatigue and despair so wear and press me, I scarcely know what course to take.
Gregory. Take to your legs, madam! Get on now, or we shall never be able to get off. Come, my dear, good, Lady Adeline! Lord! Lord! only to see now, what little resolution people have, that they can't run away when there's danger. [Shout.] Plague on your shouting! Since they must make soldiers of us—the light troops against the field, say I! ”

“ Fight away, for the cause of the jolly Red Rose;
Never flinch while you live; should you meet with your death,
There's no fear that you'll run—you'll be quite out of breath.
Then be true to your colours, the Lancasters chose,
And the laurel entwine with the jolly Red Rose.
Chorus. Then be true, &c.
He who follows for honour the drum and the fife,
May perhaps have the luck to get honour for life;
And he who, for money, makes fighting his trade,
Let him now face the foe, he'll be handsomely paid. ”

“ Fool. Your weakness, sir, acts marvellously wisely: you'll be the clean-shaved Nestor of the regiment.
Adeline. If I could find your leader, I would vouch, too, for the integrity of this my follower, to be received into the ranks.
Gregory. Oh no, you need not put yourself to the trouble of vouching for me.
Fool. Right; for your knave, when great folks have occasion for him, is received with little inquiry into his character. Marry, let an honest man lack their assistance, and starving stares him in the face, for want of a recommendation. ”

“ Marg. True, Duke of Somerset; for some there are
Who, idly stretch'd upon the bank of life,
Sleep till the stream runs dry.—Is't not vexatious,
That frolic nature, as it were, in mockery,
Should in the rough, and lusty mould of manhood,
Encrust a feeble mind!—Well, upon me
Must rest the load of war.—Assist me, then,
Ye powers of just revenge! fix deep the memory
Of injured majesty! heat my glowing fancy
With all the glittering pride of high dominion;
That, when we meet the traitors who usurp it,
My breast shall swell with manly indignation,
And spur me on to enterprise. ”

“ The youthful reader will delight in the conjugal ardour of Adeline; whilst the prudent matron will conceive—that, had she loved her blooming offspring, as she professes, it had been better to have remained at home for their protection, than to have wandered in camps and forests, dressed in vile disguise, solely for the joy of seeing their father.—But prudence is a virtue, which would destroy the best heroine that ever was invented. ”

“ The times, Gregory, are dangerous.
Gregory. Very true, indeed, madam. Death has no modesty in him now-a-days; he stares every body full in the face. I wish we had kept quiet at home, out of his way. Who knows but my master, Lord Gondibert, might have returned to us, unexpectedly ”

“ Points to Adeline and Gregory.
Marg. How mean you, sir? What are these men?
Fool. Swelling spirits, madam, with shrunk fortunes, as I take it;—as painful to the owners, as your gouty leg in a tight boot: but if a man's word be not taken in the world, he's forced to come to blows to keep up a reputation. Poverty without spirit lets in the frost upon him worse than a crazy portal at Christmas ”

“ Here, youth; this is our captain. Cheer up now, and speak boldly. You need not fear.—A raw youth, captain, but a mettled one, I'll warrant him.—A word with you. [Takes Gondibert apart.
Adeline. It is, it is my lord!—Oh Heaven! my heart!—to find him thus, too!—Yet, to find him any how is transport.
Rob. I shall look to it.—You would be private now, I take it.—Now, youth, plead, cleverly, to get admitted among us, and your fortune's made. Be but a short time with us, and it will go hard, indeed, [53] if all your cares, in this world, are not shortly at an end. ”

“ I, Alexander Puff, corporal to King Henry the Sixth, (Heaven bless him!) in his majesty's camp, at Hexham, in Northumberland.
Fifer. Well, though they do muster strong, we may make Edward's party skip for all that; if we have but justice on our side.
Corp. Well said, Master Wiseacre!—Justice! No, no! Might overcomes right, now a days. Bully Rebellion has almost frightened Justice out of her wits; and, when she ventures to weigh causes, her hand trembles so confoundedly, that half the merits tumble out of the scale. ”

“ Honesty is a scarce and tender commodity, that perishes almost as soon as it appears:—the rich man is not known to have it, for fortune has never put him to the test; and the poor blockhead, that boasts on't, dies for hunger in proving it. ”

“ Yea, marry,—by the very first rapier that comes in thy way;—for no man can live by the sword but a soldier;—and of soldiers there are three degrees; and three only.
Vil. As how?
Fool. As thus:—Your hot fighter—your cool fighter—and your fighter-shy.—The last degree makes a wondrous figure, in many muster-rolls.
Vil. Of which last you make one.
Fool. In some degree.
Vil. And it was that made you run from the battle.
Fool. Right; running is your only surety. Bully Achilles, the great warrior of old, thought otherwise ”

“ Gregory. I shall never know how to set about the business I am put upon. Of all the sports of the field, I never went a man shooting before in my life:—and, yet, when the lady, with the brass bason on her head, begins to talk big, there is a warm glow [24] about one, that—gad! I begin to think 'tis courage;—for I don't know how to describe it; and never felt any thing like it before. [Alarm.] Zouns! no it e'n't—if it is, my courage is of a plaguy hot nature; for the very sound of a battle has thrown me into a perspiration. Oh! my poor mistress's man! ”

“ Gregory; be content, be content. Think that we are happy in this forest, in having thus escaped the enemy's fire, and be grateful in the change.
Gregory. Why, we are out of the fire, to be sure; but, make the best on't we can, we are still in the frying-pan. And starving is one of those blessings for which people are not very apt to be thankful. But we have escaped killing; so I'll e'en be content, as long as there is comfort in comparison. I stumbled over a fat trumpeter in the field, stript and plunder'd, with his skin full of bullets. ”

“ Gregory. Nay, there's no need of much consideration; there's little distinction of apartments here, madam: we shall both sleep on the ground floor—and our lodgings will be pure and airy, I warrant them.
Adeline. Peace, fool! nor let thy grosser mind, half fears, half levity, thus trifle with my feelings! I have borne me up against affliction, till my o'ercharged bosom can contain no longer.
Gregory. O the father! look if my poor dear lady be not a weeping!—why, madam—Lady Adeline—dear madam! I am but a fool as you say ”

“ For hadst thou strength, the danger that surrounds us
Prevents our venturing.—Come!—on a little—
We will go look some moss-grown cavern out,
And there thou shalt repose thee, sweet.—
Enter Gondibert.
Come, boy! come, take my hand——
[Gondibert approaches, with his Sword drawn.
Gondi. Advance no further.
Marg. Ha! Who art thou, that comest, with murderous look,
Here, in the dusky bosom of the wood,
To intercept our passage?
Gondi. One of those
Who, stript of all, by an oppressing world,
Now make reprisals: if my looks be dark,
They best explain my purpose.
[40]
Prince. ”

“ War's a chance, you know. If one day's bad, another's better. What matters an odd drubbing, or so? A soldier should never grumble.
Fifer. Why, zouns! flesh and blood, nor any thing that belongs to a camp, can't help it. Do, now, only give your drum a good beating, and mind what a damn'd noise it will make.—Not grumble, when we take so many hard knocks?
Drum. No, to be sure; else how should we be able to return them?
Fifer. Ay, there stands the case; we never can return them. Others can have a blow, and give a blow; but as for me, and yourself, and Kit Crackcheeks, the trumpeter ”

“ To seek him in the camp. The Lancasters again are making head, here, in the north. If he have had an opportunity of joining them, 'tis more than probable he is in their army. Thither will we;—and for this purpose have I doff'd my woman's habit; leaving my house to the care of a trusty friend: and, thus accoutred, have led you, Gregory, the faithful follower of my sorrows, a weary journey half over England.
Gregory. Weary! oh dear, no—not at all—I could turn about again directly, and walk back, brisker by half than I came.
Adeline. What, man, afraid! Come, come; we run but little risk. ”

“ Marry, the matter is, with the oaf in the cellar; the fool shakes as though he were in an ague; we may e'en turn him adrift any how, for he will no how turn to our profit. He's cowardly and poor; he can neither rob, nor be robbed.
[57]
Adeline. Oh! 'tis my man: I pray you conduct him hither.
1 Rob. I'll trundle him in; but you will make nothing of him. I have been trying to talk him into service, and make him fit for our party; but there are some manner of men 'tis impossible to work any good upon. ”

“ Why, it seems to have been a pretty feast; and, the best on't is, now 'tis over, we shall come in for the picking of the bones.
Gondi. It may be so. You all, I know, will expect a rich booty; and they whom we shall meet will, probably, from the unsettled nature of the times, bear their whole wealth about their persons:—but they are brave, and have been oppressed;—disappointment, therefore, and their situation, may cause them to fight in their defence, like heros.
2 Rob. Nay, an they fight like devils, they'll find we can match them in courage. ”

“ Pshaw! plague on your physic? aren't we taking our wine in the full vigour of roguery? This it is [Holding the Bottle.] that gives courage to poor knaves to knock down rich fools, in the forest;—just as it gives rich fools spirits to sally forth, and break poor knaves' heads, in the town. Come, as I'm Lieutenant, [29] and our Captain is prowling, let's to business:—read over the list of our yesterday's booties. ”

“ Good! It is but right, that they who bind over so many, should at last, be bound over themselves; and a wise thief is ever bound in justice to put a foolish justice in binding.
2 Rob. Back to back, and hoodwinked—They were left, lamenting their fate, in the forest.
1 Rob. Lament! O villains!—To be in the commission of the peace, and not know that Justice should [30] always be blind. Marry, a good day! Are there any more?
2 Rob. Only a fat friar, who was half plundered, and saved himself by flight. ”

“ Peace, dolt! fear not; our captain's honourable!
[38]
Gregory. Nay, that he must be by his company—but sweet, civil, honest gentlemen! [The Robbers press them on.] Oh confound these underground apartments! We shall never get out of them alive. Lord! lord! how hard it is upon a man to be forced to walk to his own burying! ”

“ Lord, madam, that is the only thing I do tremble for: if I had as many lives as a cat, I must borrow a tenth, I fancy, to carry me out of this place.
Adeline. Pooh! pr'ythee—we are here among friends. Did you not mark the courtesy of the centinels; who, upon signifying our intentions, bid us pass on, till we should find a leader, to whom we might tender our services?
Gregory. Ah! and there he is, I suppose. [Pointing to the Fool.] Mercy on us! he's a terrible looking [18] fellow—his coat has been so pepper'd with musket shot in the wars, that 'tis patch'd from the very top to the bottom. ”

“ I shall go forth alone. You have your orders, and I know you will obey them strictly. The night steals on us apace; and the angry clouds, threatning a storm, add to the awful gloom of the forest. Away, boys! and be steady.
1 Rob. As rocks, Captain. Come, bullies! all to your duties. Keep your ears, and lose your tongues. Listen, in silence, for the tread of a passenger; and, when he's near enough, spring upon him, like so many cats at a mouse hole.
CATCH. ”