Shakespeare

“ Tis time for you to take truce with your eyes;
Let me weep now.
WIDOW. Oh, such a dear knight! such a sweet husband have I lost, have I lost!—If Blessed be the coarse the rain rains upon, he had it pouring down.
SIR GODFREY. Sister, be of good cheer, we are all mortal our selves. I come upon you freshly. I near speak without comfort, hear me what I shall say:—my brother ha’s left you wealthy, y’are rich.
WIDOW.
Oh!
SIR GODFREY.
I say y’are rich: you are also fair.
WIDOW.
Oh!
SIR GODFREY. Go to, y’are fair, you cannot smother it; beauty will come to light ”

“ FRAILTY. O no, Madame, he’s above at break-fast, with, sir reverence, a Conjurer.
WIDOW.
A Conjurer? what manner a fellow is he?
FRAILTY. Oh, a wondrous rare fellow, Mistress, very strongly made upward, for he goes in a Buff-jerkin: he says he will fetch Sir Godfrey’s Chain again, if it hang between heaven and earth.
WIDOW. What, he will not? then he’s an exlent fellow, I warrant. How happy were that woman to be blest with such a Husband! a man a cunning! how do’s he look, Frailty? very swartly, I warrant, with black beard, scorcht cheeks, and smoky eyebrows. ”

“ SIR GODFREY.
About my neck, Varlet! My chain is lost.
Tis stole away, I’m robbed.
WIDDOW.
Nay, Brother, show your self a man.
NICHOLAS.
Aye, if it be lost or stole, if he would be patient, Mistress,
I could bring him to a Cunning Kinsman of mine that would
fetcht again with a Sesarara.
SIR GODFREY.
Canst thou? I will be patient: say, where dwells he?
NICHOLAS. Marry, he dwells now, Sir, where he would not dwell, and he could choose: in the Marshalsea, sir; but he’s a exlent fellow if he were out; has traveled all the world o’er, he, and been in the seven and twenty Provinces ”

“ SIR GODFREY. Satan? do I look like Satan? I hope the Devil’s not so old as I, I tro.
WIDDOW.
You wound my senses, Brother, when you name
A suitor to me:—oh, I cannot abide it,
I take in poison, when I hear one nam’d.
[Enter Simon.]
How now, Simon? where’s my son Edmund?
SIMON.
Verily Madame, he is at vain Exercise, dripping in the
Tennis-court.
WIDDOW. At Tennis-court? oh, now his father’s gone, I shall have no rule with him; oh, wicked Edmond, I might well compare this with the Prophecy in the Chronicle, tho far inferior: as Harry of Monmouth won all, and Harry of Windsor lost all ”

“ Craft could not keep himself out of purgatory.
SIR GODFREY. And I more wonder that my chain should be gone and my Tailor had none of it.
MOLL. And I wondred most of all that I should be tied from marriage, having such a mind too’t. Come, Sir John Pennydub, fair weather on our side; the moon has changed since yester night.
PYE.
The Sting of every evil is with-in me.
NOBLE. And that you may perceive I fain not with you, behold their fellow actor in those forgeries; who, full of Spleen and envy at their so sudden advancements, revealed all their plot in anger. ”

“ NICHOLAS. Assure you, Corporal, indeed-lam tis the first time I heard on’t.
CORPORAL. Why do’t now, then, Marmaset: bring forth thy yearly-wages, let not a Commander perish!
SIMON.
But, if he be one of the wicked, he shall perish.
NICHOLAS. Well, Corporal, I’ll e’en them along with you, to visit my Kinsman: if I can do him any good, I will,—but I have nothing for him. Simon Saint Mary Ovaries and Frailty, pray make a lie for me to the Knight my Master, old Sir Godfrey. ”

“ A Fortune-teller? Very proper.
PYE.
And you of a figure-caster, or a Conjurer.
SKIRMISH.
A Conjurer?
PYE. Let me alone; I’ll instruct you, and teach you to deceive all eyes, but the Devil’s.
SKIRMISH. Oh aye, for I would not deceive him, and I could choose, of all others.
PYE. Fear not, I warrant you; and so by those means we shall help one another to Patients, as the condition of the age affords creatures enow for cunning to work upon.
SKIRMISH.
Oh wondrous! new fools and fresh Asses.
PYE.
Oh, fit, fit! excellent.
SKIRMISH.
What, in the name of Conjuring? ”

“ I parted now from Nicholas: the chain’s couched,
And the old Knight has spent his rage upont;
The widdow holds me in great Admiration
For cunning Art: mongst joys I am ’een lost,
For my device can no way now be crossed.
And now I must to prison to the captain,
And there—
PUT.
I arrest you, sir.
PYE. Oh—I spoke truer then I was a ware, I must to prison indeed.
PUT. They say you’re a scholar: nay, sir—Yeoman Dogson, have care to his arms—you’ll rail again Sergeants, and stage ’em! you tickle their vices!
PYE.
Nay, use me like a Gentleman, I’m little less.
PUT. You a Gentleman? ”

“ An Impudent fellow best woes you, a flattering lip best wins you, or in a mirth who talks roughliest is most sweetest; nor can you distinguish truth from forgeries, mists from Simplicity: witness those two deceitful monsters that you have entertaind for bride-grooms.
WIDOW.
Deceitful!
PYE.
All will out.
CAPTAIN.
Sfoot, who has blabd, George? that foolish Nicholas?
NOBLE. For what they have besotted your easy blood withall wear nought but forgeries: the fortune telling for husbands, the conjuring for the chain Sir Godfrey heard the falshod of: all mere knavery, deceit, and coozenage. ”

“ EDMOND. What, you could not? make me walk invisible, man! I should laugh at that, ifaith; troth, I’ll requite your kindness and you’ll do’t, good Captain conjurer.
CAPTAIN.
Nay, I should hardly deny you such a small kindness, Master
Edmond Plus: why, look you, sir, tis no more but this and thus
and again, and now yar invisible!
EDMOND.
Am I, ifaith? who would think it?
CAPTAIN. You see the fortune-teller yonder at farder end ath chamber: go toward him, do what you will with him; he shall ne’er find you.
EDMOND.
Say you so? I’ll try that, ifaith,—
[Justles him.] ”

“ Enter the Lady Widdow-Plus, her two daughters Frank and Moll, her husband’s Brother an old Knight Sir Godfrey, with her Son and heir Master Edmond, all in mourning apparel, Edmond in a Cyrpess Hat. The Widdow wringing her hands, and bursting out Into passion, as newly come from the Burial of her husband.
WIDOW.
Oh, that ever I was borne, that ever I was borne!
SIR GODFREY. Nay, good Sister, dear sister, sweet sister, be of good comfort; show your self a woman, now or never.
WIDOW. Oh, I have lost the dearest man, I have buried the sweetest husband that ever lay by woman. ”

“ WIDDOW.
If this be true, we are all shamed, all undone.
MOLL. Dumb? I’ll speak as much as ever I can possible before evening!
PYE. But if it so come to pass (as for your fair sakes I wish it may) that this presage of your strange fortunes be prevented by that accident of death and blood-shedding which I before told you of: take heed upon your lives that two of you, which have vow’d never to marry, seek you out husbands with all present speed, and you, the third, that have such a desire to out-strip chastity, look you meddle not with a husband. ”

“ The time is busy, and calls upon out wits.
Let it suffice,
Here I stand safe, and scapt by miracle.
Some other hour shall tell thee, when we’ll steep
Our eyes in laughter. Captain, my device
Leans to thy happiness, for ere the day
Be spent toth’ Girdle, thou shalt be set free.
The Corporal’s in his first sleep, the Chain is missed,
Thy Kinsman has exprest thee, and the old Knight
With Palsey-hams now labours thy release:
What rests is all in thee, to Conjure, Captain.
CAPTAIN. Conjure! sfoot, George, you know the devil a conjuring I can conjure. ”

“ PYE. For I have a farder reach to profit us better by the missing on’t only, than if we had it out-right, as my discourse shall make it known to you.—When thou hast the chain, do but convey it out at back-door into the Garden, and there hang it close in the Rosemary bank but for a small season; and by that harmless device, I know how to wind Captain Idle out of prison: the Knight thy Master shall get his pardon and release him, and he satisfy thy Master with his own chain, and wondrous thanks on both hands. ”

“ Sir.
SIR GODFREY.
Speak, is not this man free?
KEEPER.
Yes, at his pleasure, sir, the fee’s discharged.
SIR GODFREY.
Go, go, I’ll discharge them I.
KEEPER.
I thank your worship.
[Exit Keeper.]
CAPTAIN. Now, trust me, yar a dear Knight. Kindness unexpected! oh, there’s nothing to a free Gentle man.—I will conjure for you, sir, till Froth come through my Buff-jerkin!
SIR GODFREY, Nay, then thou shalt not pass with so little a bounty, for at the first sight of my chain again, Forty fine Angells shall appear unto thee.
CAPTAIN. Twil be a glorious show, ifaith, Knight, a very fine show ”

“ CAPTAIN. No, by my faith, George: come, come, let’s to conjuring, let’s to conjuring.
PYE. But if you look to be released—as my wits have took pain to work it, and all means wrought to farther it— besides to put crowns in your purse, to make you a man of better hopes, and whereas before you were a Captain or poor Soldier, to make you now a Commander of rich fools, (which is truly the only best purchase peace can allow you) safer then High-ways, Heath, or Cunny-groves, and yet a far better booty ”

“ WIDDOW.
A loss; marry, heaven for-fend! Sir Godfrey, my brother?
PYE. Nay, keep in your wonders, will I have told you the fortunes of you all; which are more fearful, if not happily prevented: —for your part and your daughters, if there be not once this day some blood-shed before your door, whereof the human creature dies, two of you—the elder—shall run mad. ”

“ SKIRMISH. Well, would I had been born a Knave then, when I was born a Begger; for if the truth were known, I think I was begot when my Father had never a penny in his purse.
PYE. Puh, faint not, old Skirmish; let this warrant thee, Facilis Descensus Averni, ’tis an easy journey to a Knave; thou mayest be a Knave when thou wilt; and Peace is a good Madam to all other professions, and an arrant Drab to us, let us handle her accordingly, and by our wits thrive in despite of her; for since the law lives by quarrels, the Courtier by smooth God-morrows ”

“ MOLL. Pray, Sir John Pennydub, let it be deferred awhile. I have as big a heart to marry as you can have; but as the Fortune- teller told me—
PENNY.
Pax a’th Fortune-teller! would Derecke had been his fortune
seven year ago, to cross my love thus! did he know what case
I was in? why, this is able to make a man drown himself in’s
Father’s fish-pond.
MOLL. And then he told me more-over, Sir John, that the breach of it kept my Father in Purgatory.
PENNY. In Purgatory? why let him purge out his heart there, what have we to do with that? ”

“ Then, what say you to this device? a happy one, Captain?
CAPTAIN. Speak low, George; Prison Rats have wider ears than those in Malt-lofts.
NICHOLAS.
Cousin, if it lay in my power, as they say—to—do—
CAPTAIN. Twould do me an exceeding pleasure, indeed, that, but ne’er talk forder on’t: the fool will be hang’d, ere he do’t. ”

“ I beseech you conceal me, sir, I’m undone else,—I have the Mask here for you, sir, Look you, sir.—I beseech your worship first to pardon my rudeness, for my extremes makes me bolder than I would be. I am a poor Gentleman and a Scholar, and now most unfortunately fallen into the Fangs of unmerciful officers, arrested for debt, which tho small, I am not able to compass, by reason I’m destitute of lands, money, and friends; so that if I fall into the hungry swallow of the prison, I am like utterly to perish, and with fees and extortions be pincht clean to the bone. ”

“ SIR GODFREY. Nay, but, kind Sister, I could weep as much as any woman, but, alas, our tears cannot call him again: me thinks you are well read, Sister, and know that death is as common as Homo, a common name to all men:—a man shall be taken when he’s making water.—Nay, did not the learned Parson, Master Pigman, tell us e’en now, that all Flesh is frail, we are borne to die, Man ha’s but a time: with such like deep and profound persuasions, as he is a rare fellow, you know, and an excellent Reader: and for example, (as there are examples aboundance,) did not Sir Humfrey Bubble die tother day? ”

“ The Lady-Widdow, who of late I saw weeping in her Garden for the death of her Husband; sure she ’as but a watrish soul, and half on’t by this time is dropt out of her Eyes: device well managed may do good upon her: it stands firm, my first practise shall be there.
SKIRMISH.
You have my voice, George.
PYE. Sh’as a gray Gull to her Brother, a fool to her only son, and an Ape to her youngest Daughter.—I overheard ’em severally, and from their words I’ll derive my device; and thou, old Peter Skirmish, shall be my second in all slights. ”

“ NICHOLAS. Steal my Master’s chain, qu’the? no, it shall ne’er be said, that Nicholas Saint Tantlings committed Bird-lime!
CAPTAIN. Nay, I told you as much; did I not? tho he be a Puritain, yet he will be a true man.
NICHOLAS.
Why, Cousin, you know tis written, thou shalt not steal.
CAPTAIN. Why, and fool, thou shalt love thy Neighbour, and help him in extremities. ”

“ MOLL.
Trust me, very pretty, and moving; y’are worthy on’t, sir.
[Kissing: Enter Widdow and Sir Godfrey.]
O, my Mother, my Mother! now she’s here, we’ll steal into the Gallery.
[Exeunt.]
SIR GODFREY. Nay, Sister, let Reason rule you, do not play the fool; stand not in your own light. You have wealthy offers, large tendrings; do not with-stand your good fortune: who comes a wooing to you, I pray? no small fool ”

“ WIDDOW. It quakes me too, now I think on’t.—Sir, I am much grieved, that you, a stranger, should so deeply wrong my dead husband!
PYE.
Oh!
WIDDOW. A man that would keep Church so duly; rise early, before his servants, and e’en for Religious hast, go ungartered, unbuttoned, nay, sir Reverence, untrust, to Morning Prayer.
PYE.
Oh, uff.
WIDDOW. Dine quickly upon high-days, and when I had great guests, would e’en shame me and rise from the Table, to get a good seat at an after-noon Sermon.
PYE. There’s the devil, there’s the devil! ”