William Shakespeare

“ SIR TOBY.
Who? Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA.
Ay, he.
SIR TOBY.
He’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.
MARIA.
What’s that to th’ purpose?
SIR TOBY.
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
MARIA.
Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a very fool, and a prodigal.
SIR TOBY.
Fie, that you’ll say so! he plays o’ the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
MARIA.
He hath indeed, almost natural: for, besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreller ”

“ SIR TOBY.
Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
OLIVIA.
Ay, marry, what is he?
SIR TOBY.
Let him be the devil, and he will, I care not; give me faith, say
I. Well, it's all one.
[Exit.]
OLIVIA.
What's a drunken man like, fool?
CLOWN. Like a drown'd man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA. Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's drown'd: go look after him. ”

“ Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
SIR ANDREW.
O, if I thought that, I'd beat him like a dog!
SIR TOBY.
What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason, dear knight?
SIR ANDREW.
I have no exquisite reason for 't, but I have reason good enough.
MARIA. The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affection'd ass, that cons state without book, and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so cramm'd, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him ”

“ OLIVIA.
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
CLOWN. The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA.
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
MALVOLIO. Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
CLOWN. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool. ”

“ SIR ANDREW.
Nay, by my troth, I know not; but I know to be up late is to be up late.
SIR TOBY.
A false conclusion; I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight, and to go to bed then is early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our lives consist of the four elements?
SIR ANDREW.
Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.
SIR TOBY.
Th’art a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
Marian, I say! a stoup of wine.
Enter Clown.
SIR ANDREW.
Here comes the fool, i’ faith. ”

“ SCENE V. OLIVIA'S garden.
[Enter SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN.]
SIR TOBY.
Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
FABIAN. Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boil'd to death with melancholy.
SIR TOBY. Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
FABIAN. I would exult, man; you know he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY. To anger him, we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW.
And we do not, it is pity of our lives. ”

“ I wish it might, for now I am your fool.
OLIVIA.
O what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
In the contempt and anger of his lip!
A murd’rous guilt shows not itself more soon
Than love that would seem hid. Love’s night is noon.
Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
By maidhood, honour, truth, and everything,
I love thee so, that maugre all thy pride,
Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,
For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause;
But rather reason thus with reason fetter:
Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. ”

“ FABIAN.
Is’t so saucy?
SIR ANDREW.
Ay, is’t, I warrant him. Do but read.
SIR TOBY.
Give me. [Reads.] Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.
FABIAN.
Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY.
Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.
FABIAN.
A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY.
Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for. ”

“ I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY.
He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier, and on carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls and bodies hath he divorced three, and his incensement at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob is his word; give’t or take’t.
VIOLA.
I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk. ”

“ Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria.
MARIA.
Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
[Exit.]
Enter Olivia with Malvolio.
CLOWN.
Wit, and’t be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus? Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. God bless thee, lady!
OLIVIA.
Take the fool away. ”

“ I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-device, the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered, and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars, I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting on. ”

“ FABIAN.
Here he is, here he is. How is’t with you, sir? How is’t with you, man?
MALVOLIO.
Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my private. Go off.
MARIA.
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
MALVOLIO.
Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY.
Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him. Let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? How is’t with you? What, man! defy the devil! Consider, he’s an enemy to mankind. ”

“ FABIAN.
Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can.
VIOLA.
I shall be much bound to you for’t. I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
[Exeunt.]
Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.
SIR TOBY.
Why, man, he’s a very devil. I have not seen such a firago. ”

“ Enter Fabian and Viola.
[To Fabian.] I have his horse to take up the quarrel. I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.
FABIAN.
He is as horribly conceited of him, and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
SIR TOBY.
There’s no remedy, sir, he will fight with you for’s oath sake. Marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of. Therefore, draw for the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you. ”

“ Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there’s no blemish but the mind;
None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind.
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks, o’erflourished by the devil.
FIRST OFFICER.
The man grows mad, away with him. Come, come, sir.
ANTONIO.
Lead me on.
[Exeunt Officers with Antonio.]
VIOLA.
Methinks his words do from such passion fly
That he believes himself; so do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!
SIR TOBY.
Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian. ”

“ SIR TOBY.
To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that?
SIR ANDREW.
And you love me, let’s do’t: I am dog at a catch.
CLOWN.
By’r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
SIR ANDREW.
Most certain. Let our catch be, “Thou knave.”
CLOWN.
“Hold thy peace, thou knave” knight? I shall be constrain’d in’t to call thee knave, knight.
SIR ANDREW.
’Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me knave. Begin, fool ”

“ To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
OLIVIA.
Where goes Cesario?
VIOLA.
After him I love
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than ere I shall love wife.
If I do feign, you witnesses above,
Punish my life for tainting of my love!
OLIVIA.
Ay me, detested! how am I beguil'd!
VIOLA.
Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?
OLIVIA.
Hast thou forgot thyself? is it so long?
Call forth the holy father.
DUKE.
Come, away!
OLIVIA.
Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
DUKE.
Husband!
OLIVIA.
Ay, husband! can he that deny? ”

“ Has here writ a letter to you; I should have given 't you to-day morning; but as a madman's epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are deliver'd.
OLIVIA.
Open 't, and read it.
CLOWN.
Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman.
[Reads] By the Lord, madam,—
OLIVIA.
How now! art thou mad?
CLOWN. No, madam, I do but read madness: and your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.
OLIVIA.
Prithee, read i' thy right wits.
CLOWN. So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear. ”