John Philip Kemble

“ How say you to that, Malvolio?
Mal. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal; I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool, that has no more brain than a stone.—Look you now, he's out of his guard already: unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagg'd.—I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies. ”

“ O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distemper'd appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts, that you deem cannon-bullets: There is no slander in an allow'd fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove. ”

“ But 'tis that miracle, and queen of gems,
That nature pranks her in, attracts my soul.
Vio. But, if she cannot love you, sir?
Duke. I cannot be so answered.
[pg 31]
Vio. Sooth, but you must.
Say, that some lady, as, perhaps, there is,
Hath for your love as great a pang of heart
As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her;
You tell her so: Must she not then be answered?
Duke. There is no woman's sides,
Can bide the beating of so strong a passion
As love doth give my heart:—make no compare
Between that love a woman can bear me,
And that I owe Olivia. ”

“ Olivia's Garden.
Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.
Sir To. Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
Fab. Nay, I'll come; if I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
Sir To. Would'st thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
Fab. I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out of favour with my lady, about a bear-baiting here.
Sir To. To anger him, we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue:—Shall we not, Sir Andrew?
Sir And. An we do not, it is pity of our lives. ”

“ Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?
[pg 40] Clo. No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands, as pilchards are to herrings, the husband's the bigger; I am, indeed, not her fool, but her corrupter of words.
Vio. I saw thee late at the Duke Orsino's.
Clo. Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb, like the sun; it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master, as with my mistress: I think, I saw your wisdom there. ”

“ Sir To. To him in thine own voice, and bring us word how thou find'st him: Come by and by to my chamber.
[Exeunt Sir Toby and Maria.
Clo. [Sings.] Hey Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does. Mal. Fool,—fool,—good fool,—
Clo. Who calls, ha?
Mal. As ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.
Clo. Master Malvolio!
Mal. Ay, good fool.
Clo. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Mal. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. ”

“ Exit Maria.
Clo. Wit, and't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: For what says Quinapalus? Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit. ”

“ Vio. This fellow's wise enough to play the fool;
And to do that well, craves a kind of wit:
He must observe their mood on whom he jests,
The quality of persons, and the time;
And, like the haggard, check at every feather
That comes before his eye. This is a practice,
As full of labour as a wise man's art.
Enter Sir Toby, and Sir Andrew.
Sir To. Save you, gentleman.
[pg 41] Vio. And you, sir.
Sir To. My niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her.
Vio. I am bound to your niece, sir: I mean, she is the list of my voyage.
Sir To. Taste your legs, sir, put them to motion. ”

“ Sir And. Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down: Methinks, sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian, or an ordinary man has; but I am a great eater of beef, and, I believe, that does harm to my wit.
Sir To. No question.
Sir And. An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
Sir To. Pourquoy, my dear knight?
Sir And. What is pourquoy? do, or not do? I would I had bestow'd that time in the tongues, that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting: O, had I but follow'd the arts! ”

“ Come, sir, I pray you, go.
Ant. Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here,
I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death;
And to his image, which, methought, did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
But, O, how vile an idol proves this god!—
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.—
In nature there's no blemish, but the mind;
None can be call'd deform'd, but the unkind:
Virtue is beauty; but the beauteous-evil
Are empty trunks, o'erflourish'd by the devil. ”

“ No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me? She sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. I have limed her.—And, when she went away now, Let this fellow be looked to:—Fellow! not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing adheres together.—Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Sir To. [Without] Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils in hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
Enter Fabian, Sir Toby, and Maria. ”

“ Exeunt Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.
Oli. Give me your hand, sir.
Vio. My duty, madam, and most humble service.
Oli. What is your name?
Vio. Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.
Oli. My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world,
Since lowly feigning was called compliment:
You are servant to the Duke Orsino, youth.
Vio. And he is yours, and his must needs be yours;
Your servant's servant is your servant, madam. ”

“ Here he is, here he is:—How is't with you, sir? how is't with you, man?
Mal. Go off, I discard you; let me enjoy my private; go off.
Mar. Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! [pg 49] did not I tell you?—Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
Mal. Ah, ha! does she so?
Sir To. Go to, go to; we must deal gently with him. How do you, Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil: consider, he's an enemy to mankind. ”

“ From the Duke Orsino, is it?
Mar. I know not, madam.
Oli. Who of my people hold him in delay?
Mar. Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
Oli. Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman: Fye on him!
[Exit Maria.
Go you, Malvolio:—if it be a suit from the duke, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
[Exeunt Malvolio, and two Servants.
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
Clo. Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool.
Sir To. [Without.] Where is she? where is she? ”

“ Sir And. Begin, fool: it begins,— [Sings.] Hold thy peace.
Clo. Hold my peace!—I shall never begin, if I hold my peace.
Sir And. Good, i'faith!—Come, begin:—that, or something else,—or what you will.
[They all three sing.
Christmas comes but once a year,
And therefore we'll be merry. Enter Maria.
Mar. What a catterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward, Malvolio, and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.
Sir To. My lady's a Cataian; we are politicians. Malvolio's a Peg-a-Ramsay:— [Sings.] —And three merry men be we.
Sir And. [Sings.] ”

“ What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?
Mal. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
Clo. What thinkest thou of his opinion?
Mal. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
Clo. Fare thee well: Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras, ere I will allow of thy wits; and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
Mal. Sir Topas, Sir Topas,—
Sir To. My most exquisite Sir Topas,—
Clo. Nay, I am for all waters. [Takes off the gown and hood, and gives them to Maria.] ”

“ Exit Sir Andrew.
Sir To. Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth, he will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Ague-cheek a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman, (as, I know, his youth will aptly receive it,) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. ”

“ Why,—Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them—I was one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir:—By the Lord fool, I am not mad:—But do you remember? Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? an you smile not, he's gagg'd:—And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.—Ha, ha, ha! ”

“ Sir To. And they have been grand jury-men, since before Noah was a sailor.
Fab. She did show favour to the youth in your sight, only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart, and brimstone in your liver: you should then have accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have bang'd the youth into dumbness. ”

“ Sir And. 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's a hungry, to challenge him to the field; and then to break promise with him, and make a fool of him.
Sir To. Do't, knight; I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
Mar. Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for to-night; since the youth of the Duke's was to-day with my lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him: if I do not gull him into a nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed: I know, I can do it. ”

“ Sir And. And, I think, I have the back-trick, simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
Sir To. Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before them? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard, and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig. What dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in?—I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was form'd under the star of a galliard.
Sir And. Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-colour'd stock. Shall we set about some revels? ”

“ Sir And. An it be any way, it must be with valour; for policy I hate.
Sir To. Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the Count's youth to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it: and assure thyself, there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman, than report of valour.
Fab. There is no way but this, Sir Andrew. ”

“ Sir To. He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
Mar. What's that to the purpose?
Sir To. Why, he has three thousand ducats a-year.
Mar. Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats; he's a very fool, and a prodigal.
Sir To. Fye, that you'll say so! he plays o' the viol-de-gambo, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
Mar. He hath, indeed, all, most natural; for, besides [pg 10] that he's a fool, he's a great quarreller; and, but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent, he would quickly have the gift of a grave. ”

“ A Dining-room in Olivia's House.
Sir Toby and Sir Andrew discovered, drinking and smoking.
Sir To. Come, Sir Andrew: not to be a-bed after midnight, is to be up betimes; and diluculo surgere, thou know'st,——
Sir And. Nay, by my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up late, is to be up late.
Sir To. A false conclusion; I hate it as an unfill'd can: To be up after midnight, and to go to bed then, is early; so that, to go to bed after midnight, is to go to bed betimes. Do not our lives consist of the four elements? ”

“ If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me: yon gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
Sir To. And cross-gartered?
Mar. Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the church.—I have dogg'd him, like his murderer: He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face into [pg 46] more lines, than are in a map: you have not seen such a thing as 'tis. ”

“ Sir To. A gentleman.
Oli. A gentleman? What gentleman?
Sir To. 'Tis a gentleman here,—How now, sot?
Clo. Good Sir Toby,——
Oli. Uncle, uncle, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
Sir To. Lechery! I defy lechery.—There's one at the gate.
Oli. Ay, marry; what is he?
Sir To. Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.—A plague o' these pickle-herrings.
[Exit Sir Toby.
Oli. What's a drunken man like, fool?
[pg 18] Clo. Like a drown'd man, a fool, and a madman; one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him. ”

“ I have his horse [To Fabian.] to take up the quarrel; I have persuaded him, the youth's a devil.
Fab. [To Sir Toby.] He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants, as if a bear were at his heels.
Sir To. [To Viola.] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for his oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, [pg 55] for the supportance of his vow; he protests, he will not hurt you.
Vio. [Draws her Sword.] Pray heaven defend me!— [Aside.] A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man. ”

“ He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria: Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him, if I can.
Vio. I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one, that would rather go with sir priest, than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
[Exeunt.
[pg 54] SCENE II.
Olivia's Garden.
Enter Sir Toby, with Sir Andrew, in a great fright.
Sir To. Why, man, he's a very devil;—
Sir And. Oh! ”