Gilbert Keith Chesterton

“ Words that I did not know I had ever heard of seemed to come pouring out of my open mouth.
"'When we get you past,' whispered Bill, 'you'll howl louder; you'll howl louder when we're burning your feet off.'
"I screamed in my terror those awful songs of joy. In all the nightmares that men have ever dreamed, there has never been anything so blighting and horrible as the faces of those five men looking out of their poke-bonnets; the figures of district visitors with the faces of devils. ”

“ I cannot think there is anything so heart-breaking in hell.
"For a sickening instant I thought that the bustle of my companions and the perfect respectability of all our dresses would overcome the policeman and induce him to let us pass. He wavered, so far as one can describe anything so solid as a policeman as wavering. I lurched suddenly forward and ran my head into his chest, calling out (if I remember correctly) , 'Oh, crikey, blimy, Bill.' It was at that moment that I remembered most clearly that I was the Vicar of Chuntsey, in Essex. ”

“ She was a man. I mean he was a wo—no, that is, I saw that instead of being a woman she—he, I mean—that is, it was a man."
Mr. Shorter became indescribably flurried and flapping in endeavoring to arrange these genders and his plaid shawl at the same time. He resumed with a higher fever of nervousness:
"As for Miss Mowbray, she—he held me in a ring of iron. He had her arm—that is, she had his arm—round her neck—my neck, I mean—and I could not cry out. Miss Brett—that is, Mr. Brett—at least Mr. something who was not Miss Brett—had the revolver pointed at me. ”

“ Our office is busy from morning till night. I've no doubt you've often knocked up against us before. You just take notice. When an old bachelor goes on boring you with hunting stories, when you're burning to be introduced to somebody, he's from our bureau. When a lady calls on parish work and stops hours, just when you wanted to go to the Robinsons', she's from our bureau. The Robinson hand, sir, may be darkly seen."
"There is one thing I don't understand," I said—"why you are both vicars."
A shade crossed the brow of the temporary incumbent of Chuntsey, in Essex. ”

“ We will get her quietly home. She does drink too much, but she is quite a lady—only eccentric.'
"'She butted me in the stomach,' said the policeman, briefly.
"'Eccentricities of genius,' said Sam, earnestly.
"'Pray let me take her home,' reiterated Bill, in the resumed character of Miss James, 'she wants looking after.'
"'She does,' said the policeman, 'but I'll look after her.'
"'That's no good,' cried Bill, feverishly. 'She wants her friends. She wants a particular medicine we've got.'
"'Yes, assented Miss Mowbray, with excitement, 'no other medicine any good, constable. ”

“ It seemed to me first of all peculiar that one maiden lady should address another maiden lady as 'Bill.' My experience, as I have said, may be incomplete; maiden ladies may have among themselves and in exclusively spinster circles wilder customs than I am aware of. ”

“ The revolt of Matter against Man (which I believe to exist) has now been reduced to a singular condition. It is the small things rather than the large things which make war against us and, I may add, beat us. ”

“ Swinburne," began he who had once been the Reverend Ellis Shorter, of Chuntsey, in Essex; and it gave me a shock indescribable to hear out of that pompous and familiar form come no longer its own pompous and familiar voice, but the brisk, sharp tones of a young city man. "It is really nothing very important. We are paid by our clients to detain in conversation, on some harmless pretext, people whom they want out of the way for a few hours. And Captain Fraser—" And with that he hesitated and smiled.
Basil smiled also. ”

“ Those were my exact words—old Shorter.'
"'What do you mean, you wild creatures?' I gasped. 'What am I to do?'
"'That's easy said, your 'oliness,' said the man with the revolver, good-humoredly; 'you've got to put on those clothes,' and he pointed to a poke-bonnet and a heap of female clothes in the corner of the room.
"I will not dwell, Mr. Swinburne, upon the details of what followed. I had no choice. I could not fight five men, to say nothing of a loaded pistol. ”

“ Show the old bloke what the game is and let's get off.'
"'Curse 'is eyes,' said Miss Brett—I mean the man with the revolver—'why should we show 'im the game?'
"'If you take my advice you bloomin' well will,' said the man at the door, whom they called Bill. 'A man wot knows wot 'e's doin is worth ten wot don't, even if e's a potty old parson.'
"'Bill's right enough,' said the coarse voice of the man who held me (it had been Miss Mowbray's) . ”

“ But she said"—and Mr. Shorter peered shortsightedly at his papers—"she said: 'Chuck it, fat 'ead,' and she added something that sounded like, 'It's a kop, or (possibly) a kopt.' And then the last cord, either of my sanity or the sanity of the universe, snapped suddenly. My esteemed friend and helper, Miss Brett, standing by the mantel-piece, said: 'Put is old 'ead in a bag, Sam, and tie 'im up before you start jawin'. You'll be kopt yourselves some o' these days with this way of doin' things, har lar theatre.'
"My head went round and round. ”