Guy Wetmore Carryl

“ When you desire to see yourself as others see you, you rush off to the photographer’s; and, similarly, there is no better method of ascertaining the exact quality of your intellectual appearance in the eyes of the world than to set down your opinions in black and white. When Miss Berrith made the remark that I was the most pathetic figure she had ever seen, and supplemented it later with the observation that I was the most self-satisfied, I perceived that there was something radically wrong with either one or the other of us, and determined to find out what and which it was. ”

“ Galvin was saying, “and if I do make the remark — and of course I know I have no right — but I cannot, I cannot see injustice done — the way you have treated him is a crying shame — we all have our faults —but he was working for his bread and butter — indeed, it is few enough of us ever sees the butter — but that’s always the way — the rich against the poor — and if I do say it — ”
“No, don’t say it, Galvin,” I interrupted. “I have no doubt but what you are quite right. You needn’t wait. I will give Darius the answer myself.” ”

“ Seriously, Miss Berrith, I hope you are not spoiling Darius. He shouldn’t get a false idea of life, you know. There is not likely to be much poetry, either good or bad, in the existence which he is destined to lead. ”

“ Where a man proceeds over the landscape of logic like a trained hound, scenting his way unerringly from a definite hypothesis to a definite conclusion, a woman’s argument reappears at intervals, like a porpoise, at points to which there has been no such thing as the possibility of tracing her progress. ”

“ Her reason does not go from step to step, but falls down-stairs headlong, touching only the high places: and always, as I have had occasion to remark before, the validity of her deductions is materially impaired by the intrusion of the purely personal. You may say to a man, for example, that all men are liars, and it is probable that he will view you in the light of a philosopher: but venture to observe to one of the opposite sex that the name of frailty is woman, and the chances are in favour of her regarding you as a boor. ”

“ We rise, not by any means because we are through with sleeping, but because the shorter of these tyrants points to VII; and retire, not because we have not been ready for bed three full hours before, but because precedent whispers that it is a childish thing to make the most sensible of all moves before eleven o’clock. We eat, not because we are hungry, but because it is half after seven or twelve or six. In short, there is not a metropolitan of us all, who, when he winds his watch at night, is not slavishly committing himself to a definite course of action for twenty-four hours to come. ”

“ A man, in short, has an eye for generalities; while a woman will pounce upon your most abstract remark, try it on before the nearest mirror, and, finding it unbecoming, will lay the blame on you!
I returned to “Sans Souci,” after the brief interview recorded above, more than ever out of humour with the unfair sex. I was excessively annoyed — ten per cent, by the recollection of Miss Berrith’s remarks, and ninety per cent, by the knowledge that it was in her power to annoy me. The persons with this power are the most dangerous enemies to one’s peace of mind. ”

“ The whole difficulty lay in the fact that a man is never entirely selfish, however he may strive to steel himself against generous impulses. I had gone back upon my tenets because I could not help perceiving that Miss Berrith would derive satisfaction from my company, and because I could not find it in my heart to treat one so inexperienced with indifference or contempt. ”

“ Darius has his part cut out for him, and the best one could do would be to teach him to play it properly. He should be taught, first of all, a due respect for his superiors: then, devotion to his work: and, finally, that those in a subordinate position should not expect too much in the way of luxury or liberty. One is never too young to learn such lessons.”
“It is a dull creed enough,” observed Miss Berrith. ”

“ If there was any convention about my life at all, it was a convention to which there was only one delegate, and every motion I made was secure from opposition. In this enlightened republic there are eighty-five millions of inhabitants, and of these, perhaps eighty-five are absolutely free. ”

“ This, all said and done, would seem to be the essential difference between town and country life — I mean, the vast significance of time in relation to the one, as compared with its utter unimportance in connection with the other. It is a contrast in which town life comes out a shabby second-best. ”

“ The feminine brain is a thing of such excessive eccentricity that, without resource to the hackneyed simile of the kaleidoscope, I find myself wholly destitute of an adequate comparison. To follow, even approximately, a woman’s train of thought would be possible only to a water-spider, which has a similar faculty for skidding at unheard-of angles. ”

“ When the wave flings itself pettishly against the shore which opposes its views of progress, it does not reflect that thereby is created an undertow which will sweep from their comfortable resting-places any number of innocent little pebbles which had no share whatever in defeating its purpose — the which is a lack of forethought reasonable enough in a wave, but wholly unpardonable in a girl. ”

“ Of course you are in a position to do as you please, and I in that of a meddler in venturing to interfere: but not only is it merely a kind of weakness to exercise one’s strength upon an inferior, it is the noblest kind of strength to own up to that weakness and repair the evil before it is too late. I am giving you that chance, for Darius will wait for an answer.
“Susie Berrith.” Galvin had brought in the note, and now stood waiting with folded hands. ”

“ As between men, the laws of honourable combat demand that when you have disarmed your adversary, you shall return him his rapier, with a smile, a bow, and a courteous word. Not so in a duel with a woman. ”

“ The times were certainly piteously askew when babes of twelve thus took the marriage question on their tongues!
“She cud make some ’un more happier’n wot he is,” said Darius. “An’ you’d oughter git marrit, Mist’ San’s, ’cause some ’un cud make yer more happier’n wot y’are.”
I looked at him aghast, an axiom from my half-forgotten “Euclid’s Elements” buzzing in my brain: — “Things which are equal to the same thing are equal to each other.” Miss Berrith was equal to matrimony, I was equal to matrimony. ”

“ I think that I have been eminently frank, unprejudiced, and accurate, but I am not content with that. It is not enough to put down existing facts fully and fairly: what is necessary is the attainment of a proper perspective. ”

“ I explained the situation, with a word of decent apology.
“Hum,” said Arbuthnot. “If I had known that, I would have lunched in town.”
“You might go further and fare worse than here,” I retorted, a trifle tartly.
“That remains to be seen,” he answered dryly. “Are there any sardines?”
“There are,” said I, “but I think you will not need them. I was just about to fry some eggs, and bake some potatoes.”
“By all means,” said Arbuthnot. “I will hold the sardines in reserve. The best laid eggs of hens and men gang aft a-gley.” ”

“ The rake was passive in the left hand of Darius, and the mouth-organ somewhat more than active in his right, while, by way of adding dissonance to discord, the air upon which he was engaged was Galvin’s adagio rendering of “Bonnie Dundee.” ”

“ The nearest school-house was four miles distant —a bitter matter in snow-time — and so Darius and four of his similarly situated fellows went regularly to the Berrith residence for their schooling. I felt that it was very singular that Miss Berrith had never mentioned this to me. “Dere’s all kines er people,” said Darius Doane, “an’ den, der’s Miss Berrit’. ”