John Baldwin Buckstone

“ Wish for your society!—Jessy—I must now remove the mask—nothing can occur now to prevent our happiness—and you shall know who and what I am—I am burning with impatience to tell you——
Miss Mea. (Interrupting.) I hope you are what you have seemed to be; if you are not poor, I shall never love you; if you are not the indigent struggling creature I have believed you to be, there is an end of all—there shall be no marriage—no love in a cottage—no second floor in London—I have done with you for ever. ”

“ MISS MACAW enters.
Miss Mea. Signed, sealed, and duly delivered!
Miss Mac. Jessy! I must be deceived—pressing the hand of a man to your lips! I’m horrified!
Miss Mea. He first pressed mine, aunt; and surely the gallantry should not always be on one side. We love one another; the passion brings us to an equality, and I have made up my mind where I love, never to be less tender, less grateful, or less enthusiastic than he that honors me with his affection! ”

“ It’s all true, he is going to be married; the lady is now waiting for him in a bye lane, in a post-chaise. One comfort, ’tis now ten minutes past his appointed time.
Nig. I shall lose my temper. I will not be interfered with any longer—lies and slander I defy. I have lived fifty-five years in the world, longing since boyhood for the delights of matrimony; never before has my resolution been so fixed as it is now, and married I will be, in spite of the world. I will not be shut out from the cordialities of life.
Dam. You shall not make a fool of yourself. ”

“ I am very happy that this sad flirtation is at an end—I suspected you were both exceeding the bounds of discretion; and when you have gained my experience, you will regard all men with the same stern antipathy that I do! Come, come, don’t cry, dear. We are going out to tea, and you mustn’t cry. Weep for the loss of your kitten—the death of your bird—the spoiling of a new dress—but scorn to shed one tear for the loss of a man! It is quite useless; for the monster always carries such a large umbrella of selfishness, that the most pelting shower of tears can never, never penetrate him! ”

“ To pity you would be to admit a feeling akin to love, and any approach to love for you, would be to admit an affection for a bear, or a rhinoceros, or any other monstrosity of nature. No, sir! I have now done with you—find some other female to worry—Miss Maria Macaw leaves you to your single blessedness. ”

“ After having made up my mind to make a woman miserable, I should not like to be disappointed: I had set my heart upon worrying a wife to death—to have some one to vent all my ill-humours upon—to snarl at—to find fault with—to be angry when she was pleased, and pleased only when she was angry—and to thwart and vex continually—I should have revelled in such a life, and have been delighted in letting every one see what a wretched state is the married one. ”

“ Oh! the perversity of womankind: I thought she would have been surprised and delighted at the intelligence that I had wooed and won her under a false appearance, that instead of a struggling life of poverty, I could offer her one of wealth and comfort, and that my reason for such concealment was, that I might find one who would love me for myself alone. Why should she be angry? ”

“ If I don’t, I have no wish to acquire any such useless knowledge. May I ask what you want at my friend Niggle’s, so early in the morning: some conspiracy, I’ll be bound. I wont allow it, Miss Snare; if you think to inveigle him into matrimony, you’ll find yourself mistaken; he shall never marry, if I can prevent him making such a ninny of himself.
Miss Sna. It is entirely through your interference, I have been told, that he is in a state of celibacy; and, though the poor gentleman is now fifty-five, yet ever since he arrived at years of discretion, he has been sighing and pining for a wife. ”

“ I’m sure I can’t, I feel quite brimful of words, overflowing with good three, four, and five-syllable, words. Lord, I think I could now stand on my legs and talk for an hour or two without stopping for breath. I only want the subject matter.
Boss. You can’t have a more inspiring theme than your love for your lady.
Pin. You and Miss Snare talk a great deal together; I’ve heard you when you didn’t know it. What do you talk about? Tell me, do—some people always seem to have to say so much to one another, that I can’t, for the life of me, make out what they can have converse upon. ”

“ Take a bit, Miss Kitty—Pinkey, bless your bashfulness; ’tis your best friend—it will prevent you ever making a fool of yourself. Niggle, eat in peace and thankfulness; for I have once more saved you from the abyss of matrimony. ”

“ Well, well, never mind, Miss Macaw—the older you grow, the more your beauties will become developed. You are like the great American Aloe, by the time you’re a hundred years old, you’ll be in full bloom! ”

“ Then if you accept me, you will marry a poor artist, who is entirely dependent on his own exertions—who likes retirement, has no care for company—who wants to be petted when he complains—his every whim indulged—who cannot endure contradiction—and, with very inferior capabilities, wishes ever to be thought most superior in all things—but one who, amidst this chaos of fault, can still create a little world of love for you! ”

“ You shall yet have your wish. To please you I will even consent to be poor. (To MISS COY.) Aunt Caroline!
Nig. Aunt Caroline! Are you her nephew?
Che. I am, sir. At the hazard of her own happiness, almost at the risk of her good name, she kept a secret that I required of her—I made a promise a short time since that I would replace the income she has been deprived of by her agent, and I will do so; therefore, sir, (To NIGGLE.) you do not marry a penniless woman, whilst I by impoverishing myself, gratify the object of my choice! ”

“ MISS COY takes the licence from his hand, tears it, throws it at his feet, and walks off with great dignity. NIGGLE takes up the pieces in dismay.
Nig. That’s a decided negative. When a woman tears up the licence there can be no hope. ”

“ Miss Coy. Whichever you prefer, madam.
Miss Mac. Oh! the villiany of the world. This, sir, must be some of your malice. (To DAMPER.)
Dam. No, no, I wish it was.
Che. (To MISS MEADOWS.) There, now we are both surrounded by mystery.
Miss Mea. A greater reason than ever that we part.
Che. A greater reason than ever that we should be the defenders of one another. Let slander do its worst—I repeat it aloud—let slander do its worst; for then is the time that we should surround our friends and defeat its malice. Then is the hour that the lover should be the more devoted ”

“ Miss Coy. There is no necessity for explanation; you are free to rove where you will, and may the next confiding creature that accepts your proposal be more fortunate than I have been. (Going.)
Nig. Nay, nay, don’t go, dear, don’t go. Damper, I must be married: think of the delights of a domestic temple of repose—a cheerful wife.
Miss Coy. Ah, sir, strike the balance between celibacy and matrimony, I will assist you. Go on, sir,—a cheerful wife——
Nig. Angelic!
Dam. Sometimes cross as the devil. ”

“ Miss Coy. Remain then as you are, sir, a melancholy bachelor. Be guided by your friend, sir, do; be guided by a man that supposes he has formed a perfect acquaintance with our sex, when the creature never had a female friend that confided her heart’s feelings to him in all his life. Go, sir. Enjoy your freedom ”

“ But to ask a woman her age! ’Tis a sin, sir—’tis giving encouragement to lying; for a man is assured, when he puts that question, he can never be told the truth.
Dam. Ha! ha! This is delicious—this is a foretaste of my approaching bliss—this is a gleam of the light of happiness that is in future to shine full upon me. Oh!—what it’s your weak side, eh? I’m delighted to have discovered it—when we are married I’ll ask the question every night and morning during our bitter honey-moon.
Miss Mac. You shall be disappointed, sir; we are not yet man and wife—I knew you to be a brute ”

“ There you fluctuating bachelor, (To NIGGLE.) when you wish to prove your affection, listen not to every idle tale, shrink at every paltry inuendo; but advance to the rescue of your ladies fame. Come, Miss Macaw, never heed slanderers, the ripest and the richest fruit is ever the most pecked. (Taking the arms of MISS MACAW and MISS MEADOWS in his own.) Come, ladies, I will accompany you home. Mother! (To MISS COY.) since they will have it so, when you have fought your good fight, you know where to find me. ”

“ Angelic creature—dearest of women—I love you to distraction—I shall never be happy without you, you are necessary to my life—I never loved anybody but you—never can love anybody but you—I’ve got four hundred a year, an uncle with a row of houses, and an aunt with money in the bank—I’m the only nephew—I’m in both their wills—you are all to me, Oh, that I were all to you—in short—in fact—in a few words—will you be mine? ”

“ You, Jessy!
Miss Mea. I am the lady of this house; and you, sir, have promised to marry the object of your aversion—an heiress. To avoid the importunities of heartless fortune-hunters, and in the hope to be loved for myself alone, I have resided at the cottage adjacent with my worthy relative in seclusion. Now you can comprehend my indignation, when I discovered that you were using the same means that I had selected, to gain my future happiness.
Che. And you shall be happy, if my affection can make you so. I have seen the errors of married men, and will avoid them ”

“ You should not use such ardent expressions. It is very unseemly in a young lady to talk of having a passion for anything, whether animate or inanimate. If you begin with flowers, you may end with the same enthusiasm in behalf of a human object; and if that object were to be a man, I should tremble for the result!
Miss Mea. The most natural result might be matrimony; and is there anything so very terrible in that, my dear aunt?
Miss Mac. Terrible! I look upon matrimony as the general prologue to all the tragedies of life. ”

“ Ah, any one can discover the want of a presiding female hand in a bachelor’s house—where is the neatness, the order, and the good taste that prevails in all the arrangements, where the master of the house is a married man. ”

“ As he has not asked you any questions, and appears quite willing to take a blind bargain in marrying you, I think it is but fair that you should be equally as ridiculous as the gentleman.
Miss Mea. You make no allowance for a woman’s natural curiosity—her proneness to jealousy, weaknesses that do not beset the minds of men so cruelly as they do ours. ”

“ Miss Snare, what’s the matter?
Boss. It seems as if she had set her heart upon the gentleman herself.
Dam. Hum! I am very happy to know that you, at least, are not the woman to whom he intends sacrificing himself; but I’ll discover the party, and if it should be Miss Coy, I’ll shoot him out of hand, rather than see him so duped. He sha’n’t marry I’m resolved. ”

“ A lady! Were you in conversation with a lady yesterday? What lady?
Dam. Ah, you may well ask. If that person is a stranger here, madam, whatever may be his intentions, look to him! My friend shall not fall a victim to the arts of a designing woman! You understand me—I can see the likeness between you—precisely the same circumventing countenance!
Miss Mea. A designing woman!—and a likeness between you! Pray explain.
Dam. Well, sir, I have nothing more to say than this—your refusal to explain who you are, fully justifies my friend’s conduct towards that female ”

“ Of Miss Coy?
Boss. Yes, what have you heard?
Miss Sky. I have indeed.
Miss Sna. Relating to the party you alluded to, Miss Skylark?
Miss Sky. The very same!
Dam. Come, come, speak out; what is the use of mystery? You allude to Miss Coy?
Boss. I do.
Nig. Well, well, what is it? If it is so very horrible, what is it? Eh? eh? eh? (To each of them; they all shake their heads and sigh.) Oh, well, well, if you don’t choose to tell me, keep the matter to yourself; why call here dropping your hints? Why should I concern myself about that lady, or what may be said of her? hey? eh? Ah, indeed, why? ”

“ BOSS crosses to MISS SNARE and kisses her hand—DAMPER selects two more papers.
Dam. (Reading.) “Peter Pinkey could be happy for life with Miss Skylark”—miss ditto, with ditto gentleman.
Nig. Come Pinkey, speak out—the dumb would find words at such a moment!
Pin. Oh, bless you, I have been finding too many words—I said all that was necessary, but was rejected!
Miss Sky. Because you had proposed to another.
Pin. Upon my honor it was a mistake. In a bewildered moment I did do so; but I thought it was to you!
Miss Sky. (Looking at MISS MACAW.) It is not a very hard matter to believe you! ”

“ Two knocks and a ring for the artist—then to think of painting portraits of people so atrociously ugly, that it is more than one’s poor half guinea is worth not to flatter them. To roam through Battersea or Walworth in search of the picturesque, till a stroke of fortune promotes one to the situation of drawing master to some suburban academy. ”