John Baldwin Buckstone

“ Mrs. Dove. Now, my dear Henry, mind your behaviour.
Mrs. Ly. Ah! those people have arrived; my husband has neither seen them, nor heard of their having been here. I shall watch him well when they first meet.
Enter MR. and MRS. DOVE, L. H.
Mrs. Dove. Good day to you, Madam—I hope you find yourself in perfect health?
Dove. (Bowing.) —Good day, Madam, feel yourself pretty well?
Mrs. Dove. Henry, my dear, silence.
Mrs. Ly. I am obliged to you for being so faithful to your promise.
Mrs. Dove. ’Tis the height of ill-manners to disappoint one’s friends in an invite to dinner. ”

“ Mrs. Y. I would not go to my aunt—I changed my mind, called on Mrs. Dismal and sat up with her, I am determined not to return home till Frederick fetches me; it was Uncle Tolloday that gave me the thimble.
Mrs. Dis. If you had not come to me, Mrs. Y., I should have died before morning; as it is, Mr. D’s. cruel indifference has worn me to a shade.
Mrs. Cod. Indifference! I am sure the apathy of my husband was never equalled; I have flirted with a dozen young men in one evening, to excite him to a little harmless jealousy, but in vain ”

“ Would you conceal your shame, by rage? Listen to me! Ere I quite decide upon my course, I will give you one opportunity of justifying yourself—one chance of a full and fair explanation. Promise me to be at home to-morrow,—I will not, in the mean time, allude to this matter, by a single word; no, no—till then I will conquer my feelings and be silent. I shall be sorry to proceed in the revenge that I contemplate; but should I have cause—remember, ’twas your own hand that cast down the fire-brand here; and if I do take it up, and set the home of our happiness in flames, you alone are to blame. ”

“ He’s the most apathetic creature living—no life, no passion, no impulse. I do like to see a husband subject to some little caprices of temper. If Coddle, now, were inclined to jealousy—and would scold me well—and throw things about—and go into a fury now and then—I should be the happiest woman in the world; but he wont—there he sits, from morning till night, as carefully wrapped up as an Egyptian mummy. I really think he is one; he is—he’s King Cheops. Cheops— (aside to MRS. LYNX) —oh, Mrs. Lynx, I’d give the world to make him jealous. ”

“ Coddle; and though these may not be one half the causes of quarrel between man and wife—yet, even their exposure may serve as beacon lights, to avoid the rocks of altercation when sailing on the sea of matrimony. So think of us, all ye anticipating and smiling single people; for you must, or ought, all to be married, and the sooner the better—and remember us ye already paired; and let our example prove to you that to mutual forbearance, mutual confidence, mutual habits, mutual everything, must we owe mutual happiness. ”

“ Mrs. Y. “The monster to whom you are married, has another wife. I am that person; the enclosed is a copy of my marriage certificate—’tis dated twenty years back; my object in coming to England is to claim a maintenance, and expose the villain.
“Your obedient Servant,
“Belvidera Coddle.”
All. Bless me! dear, dear, dear! What a wretch—what a monster!
Mrs. Lynx. The poor woman had better be asked up.
Coddle. (Springing from his chair.) —No, no! I’d sooner face a thousand fiends than look once again on that dreadful being. ”

“ TO WILLIAM FARREN, ESQ. MY DEAR SIR,
Allow me to dedicate this Comedy to you, as some little token of my very great admiration of your talents. It is a very common cant to allow of no existing excellence, and refer only to the past for instances of genius! In Dramatic matters, this cant has been particularly cherished; but, with reference to yourself, it may be presumed that were a playgoer of Cibber’s time now in existence, he would be puzzled, with all his fond recollections, to name few, if any, by-gone artistes who could have borne away one feather from your well-filled cap of fame. ”

“ Mrs. Young. He will always contradict me.
Mrs. Ly. If you meet my husband, pray be silent on this matter, and be here to-morrow, I beg; and should I be compelled to take a desperate resource to conquer the feelings that now consume me, you will know how to pity and to pardon me.— (she sinks into a chair.)
Mrs. Y. Come, Frederick, we’ll soon leave poor Mrs. Lynx; people don’t like to have their sorrows intruded upon.
Young. We ought rather to stay and console her.
Mrs. Y. A charming consoler you are—how did you console me yesterday, when that frightful bonnet was sent home? ”

“ Pity! there is no such feeling! ’tis disguised triumph, and we know it too; else why does the soul rise up within us and spurn it?— (Looking off, R. H., F. E.) —Ah, he here! the writer of the letter I received yesterday? then he has traced me to this house. What shall I do? he must not see me. Hark!— (listens) —he is making enquiries concerning me; how shall I avoid him? To retaliate upon my husband, I affected to encourage that man, and he thus presumes upon it. But now, though I shall never return again to my home, I must avoid all that would make me cease to respect myself—I’ll to my room. ”

“ One minute trembling with apprehension, the next with cold; the loose windows rattling all night like the chains of a sleepless felon—nothing but draughts all over the room, and a corner house too, its edges worn away by the wind constantly whistling round it—ugh!— (Shuddering—A knocking heard L. H. D.) —It must have been the landlady that knocked; she thought I was asleep, no doubt, so wouldn’t disturb me; how cold I am, there is a terrible wind somewhere. This is the most miserable place I ever was in, in my life ”

“ Lynx. Now, let us drop the subject. Mrs. Coddle, I trust that you will not respect or love your husband the less, for this late disclosure?
Mrs. Cod. Oh! no, no; I merely feel hurt that he should have thought it necessary to have concealed the circumstance. Had I been a violent, jealous, bad-tempered woman, there might have been some cause for secresy; but as every body knows what a kind, indulgent creature I really am, he might have made me his confidant! and the poor girl should have been brought home. Where is she now?
Lynx. Quite safe, depend upon it ”

“ Lynx. (Reading.) —“BOW STREET.—Matrimonial Squabble—The chief magistrate was occupied all the morning, investigating a case of assault, arising out of a matrimonial squabble. It appears that the wife of the complainant is a woman of violent passions, and so excessively jealous, that her husband’s life is endangered.” Do you hear that, my dear? you are not singular in your temper, you see.
Mrs. Ly. Indeed!
Lynx. There are other women in the world, excessively jealous, beside yourself. ”

“ True—’twas wrong in me to forget that few women can endure to hear another admired.
Mrs. Ly. And few men think their wives to be possessed of any superior charms to the first doll they may meet.
Lynx. Excellent, indeed—my love, we must turn authors; and between us, publish a book of conjugal aphorisms. However, I plead guilty to your first charge, and implore your mercy—proceed to the next.
[Pg 9]
Mrs. Ly. I think the last time we walked out with Mr. and Mrs. Coddle, that you might have offered me your arm, and not have left me to the care of the husband, while you flirted with the wife. ”

“ With a hundred thanks for your great attention to every humble effort of mine, in which you have been concerned, and for the anxiety that you have always shewn for my success, permit me to wish you many years of health and strength, that the stage may long be enabled to name you with pride and pleasure as one of its greatest ornaments. ”

“ Lynx. Proceed, Mr. Dove.
Dove. Henry, says she, I am here on a matter that demands me to be very circumflex, and I beg you will not make known to any one that you have met me. Aunt, says I—I—owe you a grudge; do you remember how you used to use me, when I cleaned the boots in that family where you was cook?——
Cod. Lord! cook! Go on!
Dove. But to alleviate a long story, suffice it to say—that I found out she calls herself——
Cod. Mrs. Samuel Coddle!
Dove. Yes; she went out to the West Indies, in a doctor’s family, on account of some unlawful willanies. ”

“ How delightful!—Coddle, why don’t you go into a passion and knock me down.
Cod. My dear, if I were to go into a passion, and suddenly cool, as I know I should, the checking of the perspiration would be the death of me—I should die.
Re-enter LYNX, dressed for walking.
Lynx. Good morning, my friends; I am going to leave you; don’t you hurry away on my account.
Mrs. Ly. There’s no necessity for that; I shall be alone the whole day.
[Pg 15]
Mrs. Cod. (To MRS. LYNX.) —Ah! you are a happy woman in possessing such a husband! Look at him, Coddle; observe his manner—his air. ”

“ Lynx. Yes, yes—pray tell me.
Mrs. Y. Well, then—Mrs. Dove, you must know, was a widow; and formerly the mistress of a large boarding school; but has now retired, after marrying her footman. They are the oddest couple you ever met with. She is perpetually drilling her husband into politeness and correct pronunciation, which the poor man will never comprehend as long as he lives. Oh, had you but seen them last night! whenever a bell rang, poor Mr. Dove could scarcely help starting from his chair, and running to attend to it ”

“ How to discover the mystery—how to come upon him, when he may be unprepared for equivocation! I have it—my friends,— (to MR. and MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND) —If you should meet Mr. Lynx, let me implore you not to breathe a syllable of this matter to him—let me be the first to tell him. Pray oblige me by dining here to-morrow,— (To MR. and MRS. DOVE) —you shall then be introduced to my husband, and should it indeed be the person that placed that girl under your care, he [Pg 23] cannot dare to deny it. ”

“ Dove. Well—now all the people have gone, I’ve something to say—and something that I mean, too; I won’t be taken up, as I always am, before people.
Mrs. Dove. What do you mean, Henry, by being taken up?
Dove. Why—altering my pronounciation every minute, as you do.
Mrs. Dove. How can I calmly sit and hear my husband commit himself in every syllable that he utters? respect for you and for myself, renders it necessary that I should correct you. ”

“ Surely your agitation, and your sudden faintness cannot arise from any apprehension?
Cod. Of what?
Mrs. Cod. That this elderly lady, in black, is——
Cod. No, no, no—oh, dear! no, no.
Mrs. Cod. You anticipate me—not what?
Cod. Not—I don’t know? what were you going to say?
Mrs. Cod. I have very strange and very terrible suspicions! ’tis surely no poor creature that you, in the hey-day of your youth——
Cod. No, no, no—my dear! How can you think—how can you dream of such a thing? I never had any hey-day—never; don’t think that of me. Come, come—let us go to Lynx’s to dinner. Get ready, dear ”

“ Mrs. Y. My dear Mrs. Lynx, pray don’t allow this matter to affect you so seriously.
Young. Louisa, why do you check the feelings of our friend? you ought to be aware that tears are a great relief when one is suffering from mental agitation.
Mrs. Y. No, they a’nt; a pretty relief, indeed, to break one’s heart with crying.
Young. It is a relief.
Mrs. Y. No it is’nt—how do you know?—you never cry, you harden’d creature.
Young. I prefer preserving my tears for a certain event.
Mrs. Y. Ah, when you lose me.
Young. Yes, dear. ”

“ Mrs. Ly. You little thought that your note of assignation—your note of “mere business,” was written by me.
Lynx. It was, eh? And pray, what end has the paltry trick answered?
Mrs. Ly. Your immediate attention to it, has convinced me of your perfidy.
Lynx. Indeed! Could you think of no better plan to convict me?— (Taking a chair.)
Mrs. Ly. I have little occasion to tax my invention further, Sir; I now feel quite assured of my misery.
Lynx. Of what misery?
Mrs. Ly. The possession of a husband, who practices concealment.— (Aside) —I did not intend to breathe a syllable of what I have heard ”

“ Lynx. Yes, yes, and I thought you were dead, as I could get no reply; you are as difficult to come at as a grand sultan.
Cod. I am a grand sultan, I rejoice in a plurality of wives. Oh, that Turkey, what a blessed country! where bigamy is a virtue, and a man’s consequences is rated not by the number of voices he can command in a parliament, but by the number of wives he can command at home. ”

“ I’ll set you the example. Don’t attempt to get away from me;— (to DOVE) —you are my best friend, and I shall never quit my hold of you. I wouldn’t part with you for a million of money. My dear friend, my preserver, my every thing on earth to me—come with me to your aunt, to Belvidera—never mind hat, coat, any thing. My dear, my only Mrs. Coddle, open your arms, and receive your husband and his friend.— (Rushing out, L. H. D., and dragging DOVE with him by the collar.)
Lynx. (Calling after him.) —Coddle, my dear fellow, where are you running? ”