John Baldwin Buckstone

“ Shall my dear Dove follow him?
Dove. I can’t swim, duck!
Dismal. No, no; sit still.
Mrs. Ly. (Who has kept her eyes fixed on her husband throughout the scene.) —What, sir—not a word! quite confounded!
Lynx. Emmeline!— (rising) —appearances, I confess, are against me; but you know not all. You know not the cause which compels me to this course; be patient.
Mrs. Ly. I have been patient long enough, and will endure no more; this is the last moment that I pass under your roof.
Lynx. Are you mad? will you hear me?
Mrs. Ly. No, sir.
Lynx. If you once quit the house, we never meet again. ”

“ I confess it has been a want of moral courage: for, long as I have pined for the joys of conjugal life, such is my universal admiration of the fair sex, that if I have hesitated to pass my life in the society of one female, ’twas in fear that I should discover some radical defect of temper or manner, that might disturb my notions of woman generally; and I rather prefer to admire you through the gay medium of fancy, than venture to take a peep at you through the pale optics of truth. ”

“ Mrs. Ly. No more, no more, dear Lionel; I have been a weak, and foolish woman, but never will I doubt you again.
Lynx. And never more, dear Emmeline will I give you cause; on the conduct of the husband chiefly rests the virtue of the wife, and I here renounce all my follies for ever. But for that villain——
Mrs. Ly. Nay, nay, be satisfied, be at peace; and let mutual confidence henceforth secure to us that happiness to which we have so long been strangers.
Lynx. It shall, Emmeline, it shall.— (They embrace.) ”

“ I don’t like it, Polly dear! where there’s secrets there’s no happiness, and no love—ah! and no goodness, if you come to that.
LADY P. Dear Margery, I feel your reproof, sincerely feel it—oblige me but for this once, and never, never will I again place myself in a position that shall cause me to conceal one thought or action—I will not, indeed!
MAR. Then you’re a good girl, and I’ll do my best this time, because I know you’ll keep your word with me. Good bye for the present. (shakes hands with her)
Exit LADY PLATO at back. ”

“ I am your friend you know, and I’ll never forsake you.
Miss Sky. Nay, Mr. Damper, if his fancy is fixed there, why should he not gratify it? Miss Coy is still a handsome woman, past the summer of her existence, certainly; but what I call a fine autumnal maiden.
Nig. So she is; and if I do possess a preference for any female, I certainly admire one at that season of life: when her charms are in the richest state of perfection. None of your just budding April misses for me; who, after all, may turn out to be very indifferent blossoms. ”

“ MAR. Don’t you remember blind man’s buff, and puss in the corner? Oh, I do, so well! And only to think that you should be married to my husband’s uncle! Lord, you’re my aunt! Oh what fun! (takes LADY PLATO up the Stage)
SIR W. You see, my lord, the choice I have made; but you are aware of my feelings, my motives—I have been disappointed hitherto, but still I hope to succeed.
PLATO. Don’t allude to the matter, I beg. In the refined society of Lady P., your wife will receive more instruction from the force of example than could be accomplished by any system. ”

“ Wish for your society!—Jessy—I must now remove the mask—nothing can occur now to prevent our happiness—and you shall know who and what I am—I am burning with impatience to tell you——
Miss Mea. (Interrupting.) I hope you are what you have seemed to be; if you are not poor, I shall never love you; if you are not the indigent struggling creature I have believed you to be, there is an end of all—there shall be no marriage—no love in a cottage—no second floor in London—I have done with you for ever. ”

“ Mrs. Dove. Now, my dear Henry, mind your behaviour.
Mrs. Ly. Ah! those people have arrived; my husband has neither seen them, nor heard of their having been here. I shall watch him well when they first meet.
Enter MR. and MRS. DOVE, L. H.
Mrs. Dove. Good day to you, Madam—I hope you find yourself in perfect health?
Dove. (Bowing.) —Good day, Madam, feel yourself pretty well?
Mrs. Dove. Henry, my dear, silence.
Mrs. Ly. I am obliged to you for being so faithful to your promise.
Mrs. Dove. ’Tis the height of ill-manners to disappoint one’s friends in an invite to dinner. ”

“ SIR W. I admired her simplicity, her frankness—and I fondly imagined that if I could unite such qualities with education, with refinement, that I should create, as it were, a woman of perfection.
PLATO. You now perceive the error of your speculation—the inutility of striving to elevate humanity from its natural position. There must exist separate grades of society—the patrician, the commoner, and the plebeian—seek not to amalgamate,—the process may be very well in a railroad, but with human nature it must ever create incongruities. ”

“ My dear Henry——
Cod. Hush, Mrs. Dove; allow your husband to select his own words at pleasure—yield a little to each other, ’tis the best and only way to secure domestic peace. I shall yield everything. Look at me; I that three days ago was all flannel and under-waistcoats, now intend to defy air, draughts, open-windows, corner-houses, everything; and I and Mrs. Coddle are going in search of the North Pole. Lynx, my boy, have you cleared up your mystery and satisfied your wife? that’s right, now let us forgive and forget; forget all but those qualities that first induced us to marry. ”

“ MISS MACAW enters.
Miss Mea. Signed, sealed, and duly delivered!
Miss Mac. Jessy! I must be deceived—pressing the hand of a man to your lips! I’m horrified!
Miss Mea. He first pressed mine, aunt; and surely the gallantry should not always be on one side. We love one another; the passion brings us to an equality, and I have made up my mind where I love, never to be less tender, less grateful, or less enthusiastic than he that honors me with his affection! ”

“ It’s all true, he is going to be married; the lady is now waiting for him in a bye lane, in a post-chaise. One comfort, ’tis now ten minutes past his appointed time.
Nig. I shall lose my temper. I will not be interfered with any longer—lies and slander I defy. I have lived fifty-five years in the world, longing since boyhood for the delights of matrimony; never before has my resolution been so fixed as it is now, and married I will be, in spite of the world. I will not be shut out from the cordialities of life.
Dam. You shall not make a fool of yourself. ”

“ Well, never mind, dear, don’t be afraid of your husband meeting him—they won’t fight, will they? and if they do, what o’ that? People that fight are often the best friends in the world when it’s all over.
BLEN. If you request me to leave the house, I can only obey.
MAR. No, no, you mustn’t go—take him to your husband and say right out, “My dear, this is my old sweetheart, and you must not be jealous, and though I did like him once, what o’ that? I’m your wife now, and he can only be a friend, and there’s no harm in a friend coming to see me.” ”

“ TO WILLIAM FARREN, ESQ. MY DEAR SIR,
Allow me to dedicate this Comedy to you, as some little token of my very great admiration of your talents. It is a very common cant to allow of no existing excellence, and refer only to the past for instances of genius! In Dramatic matters, this cant has been particularly cherished; but, with reference to yourself, it may be presumed that were a playgoer of Cibber’s time now in existence, he would be puzzled, with all his fond recollections, to name few, if any, by-gone artistes who could have borne away one feather from your well-filled cap of fame. ”

“ After having made up my mind to make a woman miserable, I should not like to be disappointed: I had set my heart upon worrying a wife to death—to have some one to vent all my ill-humours upon—to snarl at—to find fault with—to be angry when she was pleased, and pleased only when she was angry—and to thwart and vex continually—I should have revelled in such a life, and have been delighted in letting every one see what a wretched state is the married one. ”

“ You have known me some years—that is to say, I was leaving college shortly after you entered, and you know how I have ever prized education—that it has been my watchword, my constant theme when I had a seat in Parliament. I don’t sit now, but that’s not my fault; but when I did sit, my constant agitation was education. “Educate,” said I, “educate! that is the panacea for every social evil!” ”

“ Mrs. Y. I would not go to my aunt—I changed my mind, called on Mrs. Dismal and sat up with her, I am determined not to return home till Frederick fetches me; it was Uncle Tolloday that gave me the thimble.
Mrs. Dis. If you had not come to me, Mrs. Y., I should have died before morning; as it is, Mr. D’s. cruel indifference has worn me to a shade.
Mrs. Cod. Indifference! I am sure the apathy of my husband was never equalled; I have flirted with a dozen young men in one evening, to excite him to a little harmless jealousy, but in vain ”

“ To pity you would be to admit a feeling akin to love, and any approach to love for you, would be to admit an affection for a bear, or a rhinoceros, or any other monstrosity of nature. No, sir! I have now done with you—find some other female to worry—Miss Maria Macaw leaves you to your single blessedness. ”

“ MAR. Somebody else you like better. Well, never mind, dear, you’ll love the old one very well by and by.
CAPTAIN BLENHEIM appears at the back—comes down, L.H.
BLEN. I am pretty punctual you see, Lady Evergreen. Is it possible? Mary!
[Pg 17]
LADY P. Augustus!
MAR. What, do you know one another too? Why, he’s my husband’s old schoolfellow, and we’ve asked him to come and pick a bit with us to-day. Now this is what I like—old friends all meeting together again. Oh! won’t we have a merry evening! ”

“ Take a bit, Miss Kitty—Pinkey, bless your bashfulness; ’tis your best friend—it will prevent you ever making a fool of yourself. Niggle, eat in peace and thankfulness; for I have once more saved you from the abyss of matrimony. ”

“ He’s the most apathetic creature living—no life, no passion, no impulse. I do like to see a husband subject to some little caprices of temper. If Coddle, now, were inclined to jealousy—and would scold me well—and throw things about—and go into a fury now and then—I should be the happiest woman in the world; but he wont—there he sits, from morning till night, as carefully wrapped up as an Egyptian mummy. I really think he is one; he is—he’s King Cheops. Cheops— (aside to MRS. LYNX) —oh, Mrs. Lynx, I’d give the world to make him jealous. ”

“ And as for my cousin Joe, he may be a stupid fellow and all that, but he’s a very good fellow, and if he don’t know how to make a proper bow, or a long speech like you do—such as when I’ve heard you practising to yourself about railroads, and borrowing money, and taxes, and the state of the nation, and situation of the population, and that horrible Education—he can talk so as I can understand him, and that’s more than I always can when you talk—and anybody else, for the matter o’ that. And if I did like the sojers I used to see so often, what harm was there in that? ”

“ Oh! the perversity of womankind: I thought she would have been surprised and delighted at the intelligence that I had wooed and won her under a false appearance, that instead of a struggling life of poverty, I could offer her one of wealth and comfort, and that my reason for such concealment was, that I might find one who would love me for myself alone. Why should she be angry? ”

“ Coddle; and though these may not be one half the causes of quarrel between man and wife—yet, even their exposure may serve as beacon lights, to avoid the rocks of altercation when sailing on the sea of matrimony. So think of us, all ye anticipating and smiling single people; for you must, or ought, all to be married, and the sooner the better—and remember us ye already paired; and let our example prove to you that to mutual forbearance, mutual confidence, mutual habits, mutual everything, must we owe mutual happiness. ”

“ Well, and how are you, cousin Joe?
JOE. Oh, I’m very well, thank ye!
MAR. What’s brought you here? come to see me?
JOE. Yes.
MAR. That’s right.
JOE. I’m going up to a place in London. You see, mother knows somebody there, and as I didn’t care much about farming, and always had a kind o’ sort o’ notion of being a bit of a gentleman, why, they said I was cut out for sarvice, and the end of it is, I’m going to London to be page to a fine lady.
MAR. Lord, Joe!
JOE. The very thing for a genteel youth like me, they say. I ain’t to wear these clothes then. ”

“ I’m sure I can’t, I feel quite brimful of words, overflowing with good three, four, and five-syllable, words. Lord, I think I could now stand on my legs and talk for an hour or two without stopping for breath. I only want the subject matter.
Boss. You can’t have a more inspiring theme than your love for your lady.
Pin. You and Miss Snare talk a great deal together; I’ve heard you when you didn’t know it. What do you talk about? Tell me, do—some people always seem to have to say so much to one another, that I can’t, for the life of me, make out what they can have converse upon. ”

“ Mrs. Young. He will always contradict me.
Mrs. Ly. If you meet my husband, pray be silent on this matter, and be here to-morrow, I beg; and should I be compelled to take a desperate resource to conquer the feelings that now consume me, you will know how to pity and to pardon me.— (she sinks into a chair.)
Mrs. Y. Come, Frederick, we’ll soon leave poor Mrs. Lynx; people don’t like to have their sorrows intruded upon.
Young. We ought rather to stay and console her.
Mrs. Y. A charming consoler you are—how did you console me yesterday, when that frightful bonnet was sent home? ”

“ If I don’t, I have no wish to acquire any such useless knowledge. May I ask what you want at my friend Niggle’s, so early in the morning: some conspiracy, I’ll be bound. I wont allow it, Miss Snare; if you think to inveigle him into matrimony, you’ll find yourself mistaken; he shall never marry, if I can prevent him making such a ninny of himself.
Miss Sna. It is entirely through your interference, I have been told, that he is in a state of celibacy; and, though the poor gentleman is now fifty-five, yet ever since he arrived at years of discretion, he has been sighing and pining for a wife. ”

“ One minute trembling with apprehension, the next with cold; the loose windows rattling all night like the chains of a sleepless felon—nothing but draughts all over the room, and a corner house too, its edges worn away by the wind constantly whistling round it—ugh!— (Shuddering—A knocking heard L. H. D.) —It must have been the landlady that knocked; she thought I was asleep, no doubt, so wouldn’t disturb me; how cold I am, there is a terrible wind somewhere. This is the most miserable place I ever was in, in my life ”

“ I am very happy that this sad flirtation is at an end—I suspected you were both exceeding the bounds of discretion; and when you have gained my experience, you will regard all men with the same stern antipathy that I do! Come, come, don’t cry, dear. We are going out to tea, and you mustn’t cry. Weep for the loss of your kitten—the death of your bird—the spoiling of a new dress—but scorn to shed one tear for the loss of a man! It is quite useless; for the monster always carries such a large umbrella of selfishness, that the most pelting shower of tears can never, never penetrate him! ”

“ Pity! there is no such feeling! ’tis disguised triumph, and we know it too; else why does the soul rise up within us and spurn it?— (Looking off, R. H., F. E.) —Ah, he here! the writer of the letter I received yesterday? then he has traced me to this house. What shall I do? he must not see me. Hark!— (listens) —he is making enquiries concerning me; how shall I avoid him? To retaliate upon my husband, I affected to encourage that man, and he thus presumes upon it. But now, though I shall never return again to my home, I must avoid all that would make me cease to respect myself—I’ll to my room. ”

“ MISS COY takes the licence from his hand, tears it, throws it at his feet, and walks off with great dignity. NIGGLE takes up the pieces in dismay.
Nig. That’s a decided negative. When a woman tears up the licence there can be no hope. ”

“ Mrs. Y. “The monster to whom you are married, has another wife. I am that person; the enclosed is a copy of my marriage certificate—’tis dated twenty years back; my object in coming to England is to claim a maintenance, and expose the villain.
“Your obedient Servant,
“Belvidera Coddle.”
All. Bless me! dear, dear, dear! What a wretch—what a monster!
Mrs. Lynx. The poor woman had better be asked up.
Coddle. (Springing from his chair.) —No, no! I’d sooner face a thousand fiends than look once again on that dreadful being. ”

“ Miss Coy. There is no necessity for explanation; you are free to rove where you will, and may the next confiding creature that accepts your proposal be more fortunate than I have been. (Going.)
Nig. Nay, nay, don’t go, dear, don’t go. Damper, I must be married: think of the delights of a domestic temple of repose—a cheerful wife.
Miss Coy. Ah, sir, strike the balance between celibacy and matrimony, I will assist you. Go on, sir,—a cheerful wife——
Nig. Angelic!
Dam. Sometimes cross as the devil. ”