“ It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and marriageable men from reading Punch, in order to save many of them from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage, and it would certainly be an incentive thereto—they would be tempted to become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the prohibition! ”

“ It is fearful to reflect how many persons rush into matrimony, totally unprepared for the awful change that awaits them. A man may take a wife at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip and a Leghorn! We would no more grant a marriage licence to anybody simply because he is of age, than a licence, on that ground only, to practise as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be educated. We should like to have the following [Pg 178] questions put to young and inexperienced "Persons about to Marry:"—
Are you aware, sir, of the price of coals and candles? ”

“ Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one after another. ”

“ But beware of the following form, as some persons do not take it in the way in which it is meant, "Dear——, Many thanks for your present. It is very good of you to have sent anything."
Nothing looks so solidly generous in the list of presents as the vague word, Cheque. Many mean people now send as a present a cheque for ten-and-six.
A novelty at wedding-receptions, and very chic, is to have in the present-room, in place of a detective, a parrot which has been trained to cry out every now and then, "Put that back! ”

“ He is very hard on the mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. ”

“ I said one day to the paper-man. The paper-man's face turned almost white at the suggestion. "You cannot, sir," he said in a hushed voice, "the dado is extinct." Then he explained that persons of taste have friezes nowadays, both in summer and winter.
To avoid a rush at the end, it will be worth the bride's while to write out beforehand a large number of letters of thanks for wedding-presents. The most handy form is, "Dear——, We both thank you so very much for your—— present." When the present arrives you can fill in the missing word as circumstances require. On no account leave the blank. ”

“ One of the first troubles to be faced by the young wife is the difficulty of getting servants. It will be found that a cook is almost indispensable. Rather than be without one, take time by the forelock and, during the engagement, try the following advertisement (one is bound to offer additional attractions nowadays) :—"Wanted, at once, a good plain cook. ”

“ He's a bad match, and not a good fellow, I fear!" Papa. "Confound him, no! I've given him carte-blanche to come when he likes, and she's getting rather tired of him at last, for I'm always cracking him up!" Aunt Betsy. "And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" Papa. "No; I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his name to be mentioned. She's always thinking of him in consequence. I'm in hopes she'll marry him some day!"
VIRGINIA STOCK'S VIEW OF IT.
Is Marriage a Failure? ”

“ Advice to Young Housekeepers.—Put your washing out if you do not wish your husband to be put out.
CONGRUOUS COUPLES.
If there's a well-matched pair in married life
It is a horsey man and nagging wife.
Apt Illustration.—Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage.
Far from it.—The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will become a lioness. ”

“ A raw young man with her, evidently quite spooney; and they larded their talk with rather too many "loves" and "dears" for my taste, for you know we are never tender in public. It grated so on my ear, that at last I made some harmless joke to try and stop it, but mademoiselle, who spoke in that mincing way you detest, turtled up, so I held my tongue all the rest of the way, and amused myself with looking at your carte, and concocting one of my own for our great dinner on the 29th, for the chef has gone to Spithead, and left all to me. ”

“ This is a passage every one now quotes;
The truth is clear, for in the present day,
Young love is fed entirely on notes.
"Our Failures."—Husband. "I say, Lizzie, what on earth did you make this mint-sauce of?"
Young Wife (who has been "helping" Cook) . ”

“ She's writing to her 'Dear Fred'; at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems and a Dictionary!!!"
An Old-Maidism.—Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally manages to open his eyes.
"AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"
"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told me you were well off."
"So I was. But I didn't know it!"
[Pg 121]
Mr. Guzzle. "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours up to the mark. She wants it!" ”

“ Question by a Sewing Machine.—What is woman's true sphere?—The Hemisphere.
A Marriage Question.—If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her weeds? ”

“ Gentlemen,—We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date, with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House, and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been commenced.
Yours faithfully,
Blithers, Blathers, Blothers & Co.
Strange but True.—When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds her at home and she doesn't expect him. ”

“ Then from a certain view I should advise some of those "about to marry" to select a man who has no club. But this is an exceptional case. Finally, if you wish to be strictly economical, and to live in the suburbs, or in the country, and if your husband has no occupation or profession, then I should say, in order that you may attend assiduously to your domestic duties, which include visiting, five o'clock teas, and so forth, then ascertain that your husband is of a maternal disposition, and one ...
WHO DOES THIS. ”

“ Mrs. Ribbes as is to be, she wants 'er trousseau, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin', an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an' 'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an' another—she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd—well, I reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near two-an'-eleven a pound afore I git 'er 'ome! ”

“ One simply loves because one must
Whereas one likes because one chooses!
[Pg 35]
HIGHLY SATISFACTORY
Mistress. "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a dreadful temper, why did you marry her?"
Coachman (the Fourth Husband) . "Well, mum, I had three good characters with her?"
A. "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about to be married."
B. "Who's the lucky man?"
A. "Jones."
[Pg 37]
A FESTIVE PROSPECT!
Husband. "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my——"
Wife. "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your letter!" ”

“ The Pious-Parochial Lady.—She will devote all her time to the distribution of tracts, the inspection of cottages, the collection of gossip, and interviews with the curate. Each curate will be a more "blessed" man than his predecessor, especially if he have the shifty eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and shambling knees which modern curatism has developed. ”

“ What the Crowd says.—Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy!
What the Old Friend of the Family says.—I have known him too since he was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago!
What the Funny Man says.—You can see from [Pg 28] my face that I am just the man to be associated with the bridesmaids.
What the Best Man says.—Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.
What the Bride says.—Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa, and—Emmy dear, please do see the things are all right before we start.
What the Bridegroom says.—Thank goodness, it is all over.
[Pg 27]
"DECEIVERS EVER"
Goldsmith. ”

“ Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon [Pg 166] her. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next.
Thursday.—It has been Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed her on the forehead. Where will this end? ”

“ Motto for the Divorce Court.—Marry, and come up!
[Pg 49]
She. "But, George, suppose papa settles my dowry on me in my own right?"
He. "Well, my dear girl, it's—er—nothing to me if he does!"
[Pg 50]
ABOUT TO ENTER THE BRIDAL STATE
LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN.
The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens. ”

“ The Best Excuse for a Man Marrying his Deceased Wife's Sister.—Because he will only have one mother-in-law.
A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE (A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British Idiom of End-dearment)
Act I.—Before the Event.
Adolphus. Won't it make its adored happy by naming the day then—a playful little puss!
Seraphina. Ah! I suppose it must have its own way—a sad young dog.
Act II.—After the Event.
Seraphina (with emphasis) . O! when mamma comes you will not treat me so—you insolent puppy!
Adolphus (with decided emphasis) . Ah! ”

“ If the bright golden colour of your naturally dark hair is due to the excellent preparation recommended in another column, and he tells you he does not admire dark girls, why not keep on? The bottles are really quite cheap at nineteen and eleven. ”

“ Gallant Captain. "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, to—er—cross out the C!"
Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower) .—"Hullo, Tom! That looks a stiffish bill you've got there!"
Tom.. "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.—Um!"
A Wife's Vocation.—Husbandry.
[Pg 25]
A DECLARATION
"Louisa, you've stolen something." ”

“ I shall marry whom I please."
He. "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well enough!"
[Pg 82]
AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY
Angelina. "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!"
Edwin. "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling. It's very touching and beautiful to behold!"
Angelina (not without anxiety) . "Dear me! And is it invariably the case, my love?"
[Pg 83]
The Widow's Intended. ”

“ To Persons about to Marry.—Take care to choose a lady help, and not a lady encumbrance.
Accounted for at Last.—Is it not strange that the "best man" at a wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many unhappy marriages.
The Best Wards of a Latchkey.—Homewards!
One Great Lottery Office still Recognised by the Law.—The Marriage Register. ”

“ But for one great objection, which now I will disclose,
Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short,
The fact is, that a husband you're not able to support.
New Dish for a Wedding Breakfast.—Curried favour.
The Best Cure for the Heartburn.—Marriage.
[Pg 139]
Young Bride. "Do you let your husband have a latchkey, Mrs. Jones?"
Mrs. Jones. "No, my dear; it would be useless. I give it to the milkman!" ”

“ People can't expect to have Richmond and Greenwich dinners out of the little housekeeping money I have."
[Pg 65]
"AN ENGLISH MAN'S HOUSE," Etc.
Maid (looking over wall to newly married couple just returned from their honeymoon) . "Oh please'm, that dog was sent here yesterday as a wedding present; and none of us can't go near him. You'll have to go round the back way!"
[Pg 67]
Jones (newly married) . "There's my darling playing the guitar."
(But it wasn't. It was only the garden roller over the gravel!)
[Pg 68]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
Jones. ”

“ You sang to him, I suppose?" "Yes, mamma, by the hour! But she made him sing, you know, and played his accompaniments for him!" "Why, can he sing?" "No, mamma; but she made him believe he could!"
Motto for a "Kiss."—Go it, my two lips.
Crossed in Love.—A wedding-present cheque.
Q. What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host that the Pommery '80 is rather corked?
A. The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.
[Pg 133]
He. ”

“ The custom by which the bridegroom, on the night before the wedding, gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends is falling into desuetude. As a consequence one sees less frequently the announcement:—"On the —— instant, by the Rev. Mr. ——, assisted by the Rev. Mr. ——, &c."
[Pg 153]
SPORTING EVENT—A RECORD
She won the Sweep!
[Pg 155]
ILLUMINISM
The Hon. Muriel. "Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could find a man I simply couldn't live without."
The Hon. Maude. "My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can live with!" ”