Bashfulness

“ No emotion is more painful than bashfulness. Without feeling guilty, its subject feels crushed. Says one, “I am troubled with a painful sense of timidity and bashfulness in the presence of company on being spoken to, especially at the table; and no matter whether the person be my equal or my in [Pg 6] ferior, I blush from the cravat to the hair, and the very consciousness that I am blushing, and that my embarrassment is discovered, tends to deepen the blush and heighten the embarrassment. Now, I have a good personal appearance; I have a good education; I occupy a good position in society ”

“ Bashfulness is the struggle between the two self-instincts, assertion and abasement. Our impulse for self-display urges us on to make a good impression, while our feeling of inferiority impels us to get away unnoticed. ”

“ Hence, he develops feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment when others look at and speak to him. He fidgets, blushes, stammers, trembles; in a word, displays all the symptoms indicated by the term bashfulness. In the course of time one of two things will happen: either increased knowledge will reassure him, and he will, as the saying is, outgrow his bashfulness; or the hidden fear and shame—even though the original occasion for them may have completely lapsed from conscious remembrance—will fix themselves firmly in his mind, causing a habit of bashfulness which may torture him all his life. ”

“ Confidence?—impertinence?—nonsense! He was natural, unaffected, outspoken, as a young man should be: in fact, I found myself on such friendly terms with him that I forgot to thank him for the little service he did us—did you, I should say. Bashfulness, Maisrie," he continued, in his more sententious manner, "bashfulness and stiffness are among the worst characteristics of the untravelled and untaught. Who are we—whatever may be our lineage and pride of birth—that we should fence ourselves round with a palisade of suspicion or disdain?" ”

“ Bashfulness, however it may incommode for a moment, scarcely ever produces evils of long continuance; it may flush the cheek, flutter in the heart, deject the eyes, and enchain the tongue, but its mischiefs soon pass off without remembrance. It may sometimes exclude pleasure, but seldom opens any avenue to sorrow or remorse. It is observed somewhere that few have repented of having forborne to speak. ”

“ Thus infamy comes through too great love of fame, and pain comes from love of pleasure, and plenty of work to the idle, and to the contentious defeats and losses of lawsuits. And so too it is the fate of bashfulness, in fleeing from the smoke of ill-repute, to throw itself into the fire of it.657 For the bashful, not venturing to say No to those that press them hard, afterwards feel shame at just rebuke, and, through standing in awe of slight blame, frequently in the end incur open disgrace. ”

“ It is certainly very embarrassing and conducive of bashfulness to be thrust into a glittering room filled with people superior to one’s self in position, and equally cultured in the knowledge of what is due to the place and occasion. A sensitive, uncultured man or maiden, with rustic garb and rustic speech, [Pg 32] and little knowledge respecting correct manners, introduced at once to the presence of cultured ladies and gentlemen, does not know what to do with hands nor feet; whether to sit or to stand, or to hide. Is it to be wondered at that such a person acts and feels cheap and diminutive? ”

“ Whatever else may be said of bashfulness, it is always, like selfishness, a sign of excessive preoccupation, conscious or unconscious, with thoughts of self. The bashful boy, no less than the bashful man, is abnormally self-centred. ”

“ I knew I could do the poetry, and I firmly resolved that I would read it through, from beginning to end, in a clear, well-modulated voice, that could be heard by all, including the minister and Belle Marigold. I would not blush, or stammer, or get a frog in my throat. I swore solemnly to myself that I would not. Some folks should see that my bashfulness was wearing off faster than the gold from an oroide watch. Oh, I would show 'em! Some things could be done as well as others. I would no longer be the laughing-stock of Babbletown. My past record should be wiped out! ”

“ The bashfulness of the one is as distasteful as the cool impertinence of the other; both are so thoroughly out of place, for we are thinking of neither; our thoughts are wandering to cold soups and rechaufféd pâtés, and we neither care for nor estimate the cause, but satisfy our spleen by cursing the offender. ”

“ Bashfulness and apathy are a tough husk, in which a delicate organization is protected from premature ripening. It would be lost if it knew itself before any of the best souls were yet ripe enough to know and own it. ”

“ But her modesty is as unreal as the nolo episcopari of a simoniacal bishop-elect. Bashfulness is a product of education, a mask made by art. The cultured damsel hunts not openly, but like a poacher, in the dark. ”

“ In case after case the first manifestations of true chronic bashfulness have been traced to a period in life far antedating any anxiety on the person's part respecting the way he walks or dresses or looks. More than this, when the bashful themselves are questioned as to the causes of their bashfulness, they usually either profess entire ignorance, or emphasise mental, rather than physical, factors. ”

“ When in company they easily lose their self-possession and do blundering things generally. There are certain habits known to young men that cause a person to become bashful and sheep-faced to a surprising degree.
We have no particular suggestions to offer where diffidence and bashfulness are the result of prolonged illness or disease. Every means should be taken to restore the health; and with the restoration will come the old manly and courageous spirit. ”

“ Such a casuist may surely engage, with certainty of success, in vindication of an entertainment, which in an instant gives confidence to the timorous, and kindles ardour in the cold; an entertainment where the vigilance of jealousy has so often been eluded, and the virgin is set free from the necessity of languishing in silence; where all the outworks of chastity are at once demolished; where the heart is laid open without a blush; where bashfulness may survive virtue, and no wish is crushed under the frown of modesty. ”

“ Altogether different is the case with those who are habitually bashful, of whom the world holds many thousands. Here, obviously, some factor or factors other than inexperience must enter to cause the chronic timidity which has the special quality of afflicting its victim only when in the presence of other human beings. This, indeed, is the distinguishing characteristic of bashfulness, as was pointed out long ago by Charles Darwin, in his statement that bashfulness seems to depend on "sensitiveness to the opinion, whether good or bad, of others." ”

“ Bashfulness from Ill-Dress.
A person may have the education of a College President, and possess the wealth of an Astor, yet let him with soiled or slouchy clothes be suddenly brought into the society of ladies and gentlemen, and he will feel and act constrained and bashful in spite of his best endeavors.
Let a well-bred, well-dressed person make a call and discover, when it is too late, that his boots are muddy, or his finger-nails not cleaned, and he will inevitably act ill at ease, and be glad when he is safe in the street again. ”

“ Causes of Bashfulness.
Among them is a certain peculiarity of constitution known as “natural diffidence;” then, bashful [Pg 7] ness from ignorance of the ways of society; lack of education; ill-dress; ill-health; nervousness.
Natural Diffidence.
Many persons are constitutionally timid and diffident. They were bashful in childhood, bashful at school, bashful in society, always bashful. In business they are not generally your pushing, go-ahead operators. They shrink from contact with the bustling crowds. They prefer, and will usually be found doing quiet brain work in dim back offices. ”

“ They won’t hurt you. Walk boldly up and make yourself agreeable. They will meet you half way. If at any time you feel a little fluttering of the heart, don’t subside into a corner with the say-nothings and do-nothings, but “circulate around,” and you will be surprised how easily you will find yourself at home and at ease, chatting with some nice people.
For removing Bashfulness, awkwardness, and all manner of similar disagreeable things, there could not possibly be a better place than the dancing-school. ”

“ Modesty and bashfulness are feminine traits,—modesty, bashfulness, and maidenly discretion. The wise virgin shunneth even the appearance of evil. Let the males flock by themselves, and travel in advance. And the males practice obedience, not for virtue’s sake, I guess, but of necessity ”

“ But tell about being bashful, when a man has all the learning and words he can ask for! With scores and hundreds of thousands of words with which to convey one's ideas, and then tell about being bashful before a people! ”

“ Many a time some proud-tempered boy would shed tears of rage while summoning his remaining energy to run ahead and get home again in spite of pain, so sensitively afraid of laughter or of pity—two forms of scorn—is the still tender soul at that age. ”

“ How is it possible to describe the emotion which adds such rich tints to her complexion!—which robs her eyes of all their assurance and gives to them an expression of mingled melancholy and delight, of shame which is yet blended with pride! ”

“ Electrified by the look, which cast a soul into my soul, I was guilty, judging by social laws, of a want of tact, though in certain natures such indelicacy really means a brave desire to meet danger, to avert a blow, to arrest an evil before it happens; oftener still, an abrupt call upon a heart, a blow given to learn if it resounds in unison with ours. Many thoughts rose like gleams within my mind and bade me wash out the stain that blotted my conscience at this moment when I was seeking a complete understanding. ”

“ Little by little the count restrained himself less in my presence. I came to know his sudden outbreaks of temper, his deep and ceaseless melancholy, his flashes of brutality, his bitter, cutting complaints, his cold hatreds, his impulses of latent madness, his childish moans, his cries of a man’s despair, his unexpected fury. The moral nature differs from the physical nature inasmuch as nothing is absolute in it. The force of effects is in direct proportion to the characters or the ideas which are grouped around some fact. ”

“ Is there an angel who garners the sighs of feeling hearts rebuffed incessantly? If in many such hearts the crushed feelings turn to hatred, in mine they condensed and hollowed a depth from which, in after years, they gushed forth upon my life. In many characters the habit of trembling relaxes the fibres and begets fear, and fear ends in submission; hence, a weakness which emasculates a man, and makes him more or less a slave. ”

“ But there are other souls to whom the sight is saddening; and many of those who laugh in public, when withdrawn into themselves and alone with their conscience, curse the world while they despise the woman. ”

“ If there dwells in me some inexorable power which I must obey—if I am compelled to curse when you pray, if some dark thought coerces me when I would fain kneel at your feet and play as a child, will you not be jealous of that wayward and tricky spirit? ”

“ Instead of the turbulent temper, coarse appetites, low cunning, unrestrained ferociousness, and unrelenting vengeance, relieved by those magnanimous atchievements, sage reflections, and spirit-stirring sentiments, which, like transient gleams succeeded by sudden squalls, compose the unsettled weather of a savage mind, an endless procession of undistinguishable automatons is marched in the same slow solemn pace, across the unchanging scene. ”

“ Thy reason is of higher value than thy house, or land, or money, and yet thou wilt not cast them away so easily! Had God made thee an idiot, or mad and lunatic, thy case had been to be pitied: but to make thyself mad, and despise thy manhood, deserveth punishment. It is the saying of Basil; Involuntary madness deserveth compassion, but voluntary madness, the sharpest whips. ”

“ Then you rush to me, trembling with the fear of being unmasked, of losing the promotion which has caused you so many efforts to attain! You come to me with an air of obsequiousness, and with the words of flattery, expecting to make me your dupe, and thus to show your sincerity! ”

“ These indications were those of violent passions without tenderness, sudden devotions, irreconcilable dislikes, a mind without intelligence, and the desire to rule natural to persons who feel themselves inferior to their pretensions. ”

“ Whether the cause be referred to mental, physical, or spiritual conditions, everyone knows the effect; every one has felt that the looks, the actions or gestures of the beloved awaken some vestige of tenderness in those most deeply sinned against and grievously wronged. ”

“ If virtuous, and disappointed in the deepest hopes of their nature—whether they have had the courage to submit, whether they have buried their revolt in their hearts or at the foot of the altar—they never admit to themselves that all is over for them without horror. ”

“ And though I cannot say that grace immediately maketh any alteration on the senses, yet mediately it doth, by altering the mind, and so the will, and then the imagination, and so the sensitive appetite, and so in exercise the sense itself. We see that temperance and chastity do not only restrain, but take down the appetite from the rage and violence which before it had: not the natural appetite, but the sensitive, so far as it is sinful. ”