Guy Wetmore Carryl

“ That the prince on one occasion left the others in the lurch,
And the falling darkness found him,
With no vassals left around him,
Near a building like an abbey,
Or a shabby
Ruined church.
His Highness said: “I’ll ring the bell
And stay till morning in it!” (He
Took Hobson’s choice, for no hotel
There was in the vicinity.)
[91] His ringing was so vehement
That any one could see he meant
To suffer no refusal, but, in spite of all the din,
There was no answer audible,
And so, with courage laudable,
His Royal Highness turned the knob, and stoutly entered in. ”

“ She might have continued the crime of her ’teens,
And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!
[28] The Moral: There’s nothing much glummer
Than children whose talents appall:
One much prefers those who are dumber,
But as for the paragons small,
If a swallow cannot make a summer
It can bring on a summary fall! ”

“ Said: “Now I’ll do somebody good!
I won’t ask a thing for myself or my wife,
But I’ll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.
Whate’er their conditions,
Henceforward, physicians
And indispositions
they’re rid of for life!” ”

“ Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll,
She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll,
And threw with much composure
[123] A smallish rubber ball
At an inoffensive osier
By a little waterfall;
[124] But Matilda’s way of throwing
Was like other people’s mowing,
And she never hit the willow-tree at all!
[125]
This serves in the easiest way to explain
What is meant by taking an aim in vain. ”

“ She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,
For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where
They stood about, crushing
Each other, and blushing:
She simply kept brushing
Her beautiful hair.
[74] But a prince who was passing,
Engaged in amassing
Some facts on American life,
Was suddenly struck
By the fact that his luck
Might give him that girl for a wife! ”

“ His wife told the neighbors
They’d caused her excessive alarm!
They then set to work on his various ills,
And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,
And charged him so dearly
That all of them nearly
Made double the yearly
amount of their bills.
This Moral by the tale is taught:—
The wish is father to the thought.
(We’d oftentimes escape the worst
If but the thinking part came first!) ”

“ King Edward the Seventh, Kwang Su, and the Czar!
[114] But what did he get from it all?
His wife used to wait in the hall!
When this wandering mortal
Set foot on the portal,
She always appeared on the scene,
And, far from ideally,
Remarked: “Well, I really
Would like to know where you have been!”
Now what is the good of a wandering life,
If you have to tell all that you do to your wife? ”

“ Now all of this bemoaning And this grumbling and this groaning
The mind of Jack, her son and heir, unconscionably bored.
His heart completely hardening, He gave his time to gardening,
For raising beans was something he adored.
[100] Each hour in accents morbid
This limp maternal bore bid
Her callous son affectionate and lachrymose good-bys.
She never granted Jack a day
Without some long “Alackaday!”
Accompanied by rolling of the eyes.
But Jack, no panic showing,
Just watched his beanstalk growing,
And twined with tender fingers the tendrils up the pole. ”

“ When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,
He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood’s, too!)
[25]
This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood,
And proved by his actions to be robbin’ Hood. [26]
[27] At this terrible tale
Some readers will pale,
And others with horror grow dumb,
And yet it was better,
I fear, he should get her:
Just think what she might have become! ”

“ Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold:
“I never! Why, you forward thing! Now ain’t you awful bold!”
Just a glance he paused to give her,
And his head was seen to clutch,
Then he darted to the river,
And he dived to beat the Dutch!
While the wrathful maiden panted:
“I don’t think he was enchanted!”
(And he really didn’t look it overmuch!)
The Moral: In one’s language one conservative should be:
Speech is silver, and it never should be free! [130] Back to contents
[131] How the Peaceful Aladdin
Gave Way to His Madness
His name was Aladdin. ”

“ The prince obtained her crystal shoe
By way of souvenir.
“Upon the bridal path,” he cried,
“We’ll reign together! Since
I love you, you must be my bride!”
(He was no slouch, that prince!)
And into sudden languishment
Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.
The Moral: All the girls on earth
Exaggerate their proper worth.
They think the very shoes they wear
Are worth the average millionaire ”

“ The princess murmured with a smile:
“I’ve millions, at the least, to come!”
The prince cried: “Please excuse me, while
I go and get the priest to come!”
The Moral: When affairs go ill
The sleeping partner foots the bill. ”

“ And then the girl exploded!
“You make me laugh, and so,” she said,
“I’ll marry you next season.”
(Not half the people who are wed
Have half so good a reason!)
[120] The Moral: The deliberate clown
Can never beat love’s barriers down:
’Tis better to be like the owl,
Comic because so grave a fowl.
From him we well may take our cue—
By him be taught, to wit, to woo! Back to contents
[121] How a Girl was too Reckless
of Grammar by Far
Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn’t any chin,
Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in ”

“ And meekly said: “H. O. M. T.,
You’re one too much for us!”
And both of them solemnly swore
“We won’t never do so no more!”
The Moral is: While I do not
Endeavor to condone the plot,
I still maintain that one
Should have no chance of being foiled,
And having one’s arrangements spoiled
By one’s ingenious son.
If you turn down your children, with pain,
Take care they don’t turn up again! Back to contents
[39] How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard
Made Free with a Door ”

“ I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of the editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were originally published in Harper’s Magazine, The Century, Life, The Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the London Tatler. ”

“ Of what your nicest girl is like,
But she whose best young man I am
Is not an oyster, nor a clam! [63]
This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,
Would mark the toad maybe, but ne’er toed the mark. [64] Back to contents
[65] How Beauty Contrived to Get
Square with the Beast ”

“ This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore,
After he’d led his young wife to a door.
GRIMM TALES
MADE GAY
By Guy Wetmore Carryl
author of
this ...... and many ...... other ...... things! ”