Guy Wetmore Carryl

“ One mustn’t ask too much of people. It’s like the servants: the old-fashioned kind used to brush the dust into a dust-pan, wrap it up in newspapers, and see that the ash-man carried it off; now they sweep it under the beds and sofas, where it can’t be seen. One mustn’t complain of knowing it’s there, so long as it isn’t actually in evidence. Autre temps autres mœurs. It’s a long cry from Hester Prynne to Mirabelle Tremonceau. Besides, pulling up short all by oneself is one thing, and pulling a woman up short into the bargain is quite another. She might object, the little Tremonceau. ”

“ My dear Andrew Vane, not only do you leave your character at the tea-table you are quitting, but you’ll meet it, more or less torn to shreds, at that to which you are going: and, if you were at the pains, you might find it, in a like state of demoralization, at a dozen others in the same arrondissement! I wish I could make you understand that. It seems to me to be so important to the conduct of life to know not only how we stand, but in what manner we fall. ”

“ Carnby,” said Andrew suddenly, and with a perceptible ring of irritation in his voice, “and how much of it banter, with more than a suggestion of contempt. Apparently you’re urging me to a change of course; actually, only to a change of method. I know you can’t approve of my friendship for Mademoiselle Tremonceau, and yet you’re not asking me to give it up, but only to put it out of sight and hearing. Isn’t that — excuse me — but isn’t it rather like trafficking with one’s ideas of right and wrong? If one’s doing no harm, why not go on? If one’s to blame, why not pull up short?” ”

“ A man’s a man, and a woman’s a woman, and an intrigue’s an intrigue. You could tag them exhibits A, B, and C, and the Colony would find almost as much to talk about as if you gave the full names. What’s not known is made up. It’s necessary to find tea-table topics, and necessity is the mother of invention. You can have no idea, unless you’re in the thick of the gossip, how absorbing any one person’s affairs can be, when there’s nothing better to talk about.”
She admitted frankly to herself that she was talking to gain time, giving Andrew a chance to find his line of reply. ”

“ She realized that emotion would be as fatal to her purpose as would sheer frivolity.
“Under your words,” continued Andrew, “I can see that there must lie a more or less intimate knowledge of many things which we have never mentioned— many things which I did not suppose you would ever—”
“Find out? You really are young, aren’t you? Why, my dear Mr. Vane, any given woman of average intelligence can find out whatever she chooses about any given man, provided always she hasn’t the fatal handicap of being in love with him. ”

“ You’re a young man, Andrew Vane, to whom fate has been uncommonly civil. Your family is rather exceptionally good, on — er — on both sides. Your means are, or will be, some day, almost uncomfortably ample. You’re more than passably good-looking, and you’re surprisingly clever. Your health is magnificent, and, finally, nature chose America as your environment. ”

“ Andrew Vane!”
“I never heard anything better in the way of a sermon,” said Andrew, groping for an answer.
“It’s too true to be good,” retorted Mrs. Carnby. “Do you believe any of it?”
“Some, perhaps — not all. And the whole attack is a little abrupt. What have I been doing?”
“Nothing! You’ve hit upon precisely the objection. ‘Tekel! — thou art weighed in the balances and art found wanting!’ Margery Palffy is like my own daughter to me, Mr. Vane. She calls me her fairy godmother, you know. Are you looking forward to introducing her to Mirabelle Tremonceau?” ”

“ She will continue to love, as she loves now, an ideal man, endowed with an almost embarrassing multiplicity of imaginary virtues; and, incidentally, will pray daily that she may become worthy of him. Then, when he has sown his wild oats, perhaps he’ll come to her, at his own good pleasure, and lay at her feet what he has achieved — a pleasant smattering of things generally talked about, a comprehensive intimacy with things generally not talked about, a tobacco heart, and a set of nerves which make him unfit for publication three days in the week. ”

“ But I think, too, that you would be surprised to find how extremely realistic gossip can be at times, and how much that you think is known only to yourself or to a few is, in fact, the talk of half the Colony. ”

“ It really isn’t quite fair on the girl to bungle things. So long as you’re going to work to gallicize yourself, pray make a thorough job of it. Don’t copy the Frenchman’s license, and neglect to imitate his discretion. ”