Harry Graham

“ I never won't need no butcher's meat;
For 'unger, o' course, is the finest sauce,
When you're swollerin' sausages made of 'orse!
An' I begs to state, when I comes 'ome late,
With a 'ungry kind of a look in my eye,
If I 'as to wait, with a hempty plate,
Till the blooming cat's-meat-man comes by,
I'll think wi' scorn o' the old 'dust-'eap,'
Where mutton an' beef's to be bought so cheap.
For we don't know nothink o' 'orse-flesh 'ere,
But Joe 'e'll learn us to eat it, when
'Is tariff makes British meat too dear
For the pockets o' British workin' men ”

“ An' Jim's in the grocery trade;
While Kate 'as a little front-window shop,
Where she sells stone-bottles o' ginger-pop
An' sweets as is all 'ome-made;
And I earns enough for my board an' booze,
A-makin' an' mendin' o' boots an' shoes.
[18] Last winter it were, when times was bad,
That Jim 'ad a 'appy thought;
'Ow fine it'd be if we'd all agree
On a kind of a mutual trade, sez 'e,
For our things as we sold an' bought;
We'd 'elp one another (which sounded nice) ,
An' be getting our goods at a lower price. ”

“ Oblong 4to. 3s. 6d.
'It is impossible not to be amused by some of the "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, nor can anyone with a sense of humour fail to appreciate the many amusing points in the illustrations.'—Westminster Budget.
'"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" is the name of a really charming little book of rhymes. The words are by Colonel D. Streamer, and the illustrations by "G. H.," and 'tis hard to say whether words or pictures are the cleverer.... The book is one which must, however, be seen to be appreciated ”

“ For it's 'Out wi' they furriner folks!' sez I;
Will we take it 'lying down,'
When they dumps cheap goods (as we wants to buy)
Into every British town?
(Tho' per'aps it's a thing as they wouldn't do
If we 'adn't a-given 'em orders to!)
[5] But there's good times coming, an' thanks to Joe,
When the Hempire 'll stand on 'er own;
We'll be quit o' the food them furriners grow,
An' rely on ourselves alone.
For us, an' the Colonies too, I lay,
Can grow it as good an' better'n they!
We're a British race, an' we'll soon depend
On the produc's o' British soil ”

“ I'm only a common workin'-man,
With a eye to my vittles an' beer,
But afore I puts my money on Joe,
There's a thing or two as I'd like to know,
Which 'e 'asn't a-made quite clear.
I admit as it sounds attractive-like
For to shut them furriners out,
But every Board School nipper knows
As there's things wot only a furriner grows
As we couldn't well do without.
There's sugar, an' rice, an' cocoa-nibs,
There's cawfy an' tea as well,
As we never could raise, suppose we tried,
And we 'as to buy 'em somewheres outside,
And the furriners 'as to sell. ”

“ As the others is 'aving the best o' the deal.
[21] From which, if you follows my meaning through,
There's a obvious moral to draw:
Let's consider the Motherland's future, afore
We allows 'er to risk being Mother no more,
An' becoming the Mother-in-law!
For if loyalty's paid for, it ain't worth a thought,
An' affection's a fraud if it 'as to be bought.
[22]
BRITISH TRADE
Oh, why was I born a English lad,
In a island all shut in by sea? ”

“ Our manufacturies is growin';
They proves we're being quite cut out,
Or else that our 'ome trade's a-goin'.
(In which, per'aps, they ain't so wrong—
It is a-goin', goin' strong!)
But there's some undisputed fac's—
An' even figures won't gainsay it:
One is, if you puts on a tax,
Someone or other 'as to pay it.
('We'll tax the poor man's corn,' says Joe;
'But touch 'is bread? Oh dear me, no!')
[37] If England needs our pounds an' pence,
An' taxes of our food to raise 'em,
It don't require much common-sense
To see as the consumer pays 'em ”

“ An' no more o' your music from Germanee,
When our motto is 'Bands acrost the sea!'
When the furriner's foodstuffs out we shuts,
We'll still 'ave the run of our teeth
On the cocoa we makes off o' cocoanuts
As they grows upon 'Ampstead 'Eath!
An' o' British pluck we can surely brag,
When we're smoking the 'omegrown Irish shag!
We're a-buyin' our food too cheap, sez Joe
(If you listens to 'is advice) ;
The cost o' the loaf's too small, an' so
'E's a-trying to raise the price!
* * * * *
This 'ere Pertection's a splendid plan—
But it's werry 'ard lines on the workin'-man! ”

“ As it's Hengland rules the sea,—
(Tho' per'aps it ain't for me to go and say it!) —
An' it's Henglishmen as pays
For the Navy, nowadays,—
(Any'ow it ain't Canadians as pay it!) —
So they gives to us the priv'lege of defendin' of 'em 'ere,
If we lets 'em run their own concerns an' doesn't interfere.
We've a market, as they knows,
For the produce wot they grows,
Which commercially's a quite sufficient fetter ”

“ Mr. Graham is a fluent and ingenious rhymester, with an alert mind and a well-controlled sense of humour.'—The Times (New York) .
'"Misrepresentative Men" shows so high-spirited a mastery of words and metre (the result, we take it, of laborious days) that it will be read with pleasure by the most fastidious lover of what is amusing.'—The Nation (New York) .
'Mr. Graham's verses are exceedingly clever, and Mr. Strothman's illustrations add to their cleverness.'—The Bookman (New York) .
'A very amusing little book, by that cleverly humorous versifier "Col. ”

“ To forward Joe's Imperial mission;
If we must bolster up our trade,
An' not allow no competition,
By taxing them as 'as to buy,
'Gawd 'elp our British trade!' sez I.
[39]
'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS'
It doesn't matter if I goes
Inside our local Workman's Club
To 'ave a game o' dominoes,
Or drops into the nearest pub;
In 'arf a moment in 'll walk
Some bloke as starts a fiscal talk.
An' if I ever tries, per'aps,
To criticise this scheme o' Joe's,
There's always some excited chaps
As leads from arguments to blows. ”

“ But they don't give nothin' for nothink—
Which you can't dispute the fac'—
An' we're sending 'em hevery bit as much
Of our cotton-goods, an' our coal, an' such,
As 'll pay the beggars back.
An' the less we buys o' them furrin goods,
The less of our own's returned;
Which it's plain to see as the more they take,
The more our firms 'as a chance to make,
An' the 'igher the wages earned.
For it's British Labour as pays the price
O' them goods as crosses the sea,
An' suppose as the furrin imports fail,
It's the case of a empty dinner-pail
For the workin'-man like me. ”