Herbert Pelham Curtis

“ A hundred thousand times I refuse such a husband.
Jane. Quite right, miss. He’d be the death of me. Your pa can’t marry you without your consent: don’t give it.
Eglantine. Never! They don’t know me. Cruel! cruel! (Weeps.)
Jane. So it be, Miss Eglantine; so it be. I never see the beat on’t. Better give him the mitten out of hand, miss.
Eglantine. Instantly, if he were here. The wretch! How dare he?
Jane. I’ll call him. (To door. Knocks.) Mr. Whittermat! I say!—He’s furrin, miss.—Mr. Whittermat! (Knocks furiously.)
(Whitwell comes out of chamber; sees Eglantine.)
Whitwell (aside) . Ha! ”

“ Jane. Deary me, deary me! A pair of posts, like, and nary a trumpet between ’em, except me.
Coddle (looks at Whitwell) . Young man, you look surprised at the interest I take in you.
Whitwell. No, sir, I prefer shad.
Coddle. What does he say? (Jumps up.) Jane, who knows but he’s already married! (Sits, shouts.) Have you a wife?
Whitwell. Yes, sir; always with a knife.
Jane (shouts) . Have you a wife? A wife?
Whitwell. All my life? Yes.
Jane (shouts) . I say, have you a wife?
Whitwell. A wife? No.
Jane. Drat him! he’s single, and marries Eglantine for sartain. ”

“ I’m dead. (Crosses to L., screaming.)
(Enter Eglantine.)
Eglantine. Papa! For heaven’s sake, what is the matter?
Whitwell (stupefied) . What, Mr. Coddle! I thought you were deaf. Is it possible you can hear?
Coddle (shouts) . Perfectly well, sir; and so it seems [Pg 21] can you. I will repeat, if you wish it, every one of those delectable compliments you paid me five minutes since.
Whitwell (to Eglantine) . I can’t believe my ears. Miss Coddle, has he been shamming deafness, then, all this time?
Eglantine (shouts) . No, indeed. A doctor cured his deafness only half an hour ago.
Jane. Ah! ”

“ Jane (shouts in his ear) . Man with a gun in your garden, smashing the melon-frames, treading on the flower-beds!—Hey, you feller! Police! (Noise of breaking glass.)
Coddle (looks out) . The villain is smashing every thing I have in the world! Another melon-frame! Jane, hand me my gun! I’ll shoot the rascal! (Seizes gun, Jane takes up a broom.) Follow me, Jane; follow me. The infernal scoundrel!
Jane. Drat the impident rogue! (Both exeunt door in flat.)
(Enter Washington Whitwell, left, gun in hand. Slams door behind him, advances on tiptoe, finger on trigger—glances around.) ”

“ If he finds you out, all the fat’ll be in the fire.
Whitwell. Be quite easy, Jane. To win Eglantine I’ll be a horse-post, a tomb-stone. Fire a thousand-pounder at my ear, and I’ll not wink.
Coddle (outside) . Jane, Jane! I say.
Jane. Step into the garden, Mr. Whittermat; and when I ring the dinner-bell, don’t you take no notice.
Whitwell. I’m fly. But ain’t I hungry, though, by Jove! Don’t forget me.
Jane (pushing him out C.) . I’ll come out and call you. (Exeunt L.)
(Enter Coddle, R.)
Coddle. A miracle! A perfect miracle. Wonderful electro-acoustico-galvanism! I can hear! I can hear! ”

“ Jane. Ha, ha, ha! I told you so, Miss Eglantine. He thinks I paid him a compliment, sartain as yeast.
Eglantine. Very strange! When I met this poor gentleman at Lady Thornton’s, he was not afflicted in this way.
Jane. Wasn’t he, miss? Well, he’s paying for all his sins now. It’s providential, I’ve no doubt.
Whitwell (aloud) . Pity me, Miss Coddle. A dreadful [Pg 15] misfortune has befallen me since I had the pleasure of meeting you at the Thorntons’. My horse fell with me, and in falling I struck on my head. I have been totally deaf ever since.
Eglantine. Poor, poor young man! ”

“ Or else I’m sure that gentleman who danced the whole evening with me a month ago at Lady Thornton’s—
Jane. Yes, miss: I’ve heard you mention him often.
Eglantine. He was dying to offer himself, I’m sure, from the way he looked at me. But somebody has warned him, of course. (Weeps.) O Jane, how tedious, how tedious life is!
Jane. Yes, miss; tedious as tedious! But here comes master. Where is that letter? Oh! here it be.
(Enter Singleton Coddle, door R.)
Coddle (book in hand, from which he reads.) “Deafness is one of the most distressing afflictions which can attack mankind.” Ah! ”

“ Whitwell (shouts) . Thanks, thanks. (Drops voice.) You intolerable old brute!
Coddle. Ha!
Whitwell (bowing politely) . If you’re ever my father-in-law, I’ll show you how to treat a gentleman.
Coddle. His father-in-law! I’ll give Eglantine to a coal-heaver first,—the animal! (Shouts.) Pray be seated, (drops voice) and choke yourself.
Whitwell (shouts) . One gets a very fine appetite after a hard day’s sport. (Drops voice.) Atrocious old ruffian!
Coddle. Old ruffian! This is insufferable. (They sit.)
Whitwell (shouts) . Will not Miss Coddle dine with us to-day? ”

“ Whitwell. Coddle. Jane. L.
HITTY’S SERVICE FLAG A Comedy in Two Acts
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham
Eleven female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, an interior. Plays an hour and a quarter. Hitty, a patriotic spinster, quite alone in the world, nevertheless hangs up a service flag in her window without any right to do so, and opens a Tea Room for the benefit of the Red Cross. She gives shelter to Stella Hassy under circumstances that close other doors against her, and offers refuge to Marjorie Winslow and her little daughter, whose father in France finally gives her the right to the flag. ”

“ I wrote to a fellow who advertises to cure deafness instantaneously by electro-acoustico magnetism, and the impudent impostor [Pg 6] hasn’t taken the trouble to answer. The whole world seems determined to thwart me. (Takes book again, and reads.) “In treating deafness, it should first be ascertained whether the tympanum be thickened or perforated, and whether also the minute bones of the auricular organ are yet intact.” (Sticks little finger in his ear.) I think they’re all right. (Reads.) “And, further, be certain that the Eustachian tube is free from obstruction.” ”

“ Plays an hour and a quarter. Information of value to the enemy somehow leaks out from a frontier town and the leak cannot be found or stopped. But Captain Brooke, of the Secret Service, finally locates the offender amid a maze of false clues, in the person of a washerwoman who hangs out her clothes day after day in ways and places to give the desired information. ”

“ SINGLETON CODDLE. WASHINGTON WHITWELL. EGLANTINE CODDLE. JANE SMITH, a Servant. Costumes modern and appropriate.
Copyright, 1880, By LEE AND SHEPARD.
All rights reserved.
[Pg 3]
NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON’T HEAR. Scene.—A parlor handsomely furnished, looking out on a garden; console in each corner; on one a lamp, a flower-vase on the other; door in flat, and doors right and left; window at right; gun standing in corner at left; table in front, left, with magazines, paper, pens, and ink; at right, front, an easy-chair, and small work-table, on which is a work-basket and hand-bell. ”

“ Two women. Scene, an interior; costumes, modern. Plays twenty minutes. Royalty, $5.00. Mrs. Paynter, a society lady who does not pay her bills, by a mischance puts it into the power of a struggling dressmaker, professionally known as “Fleurette & Co.,” to teach her a valuable lesson and, incidentally, to collect her bill. A strikingly ingenious and entertaining little piece of strong dramatic interest, strongly recommended.
Price, 25 cents
Plays for Junior High Schools BAKER, Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass.
Plays and Novelties That Have Been “Winners” BAKER, Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. ”