Ian Hay

“ Milly, in our declining years you and I find ourselves the central figures of a romance—a romance manufactured for us by these worthy, sentimental, chuckle-headed neighbours of yours. Isn’t that wonderful? My suggestion is that we do not disappoint them. In other words, let Mildred Cradock take Dale Conway for her second husband, and put the parish out of its misery!’ He laid down his glass, took Mildred by the shoulders, gently enough, and turned her towards him. ”

“ Cradock, will you marry me?’
Mildred met his gaze steadily.
‘Never in the world, my friend!’ she said.
Having failed to carry matters by assault, Denis Cradock sat down, composedly enough, and proceeded to invest the position.
‘Imagine the advantages of such an arrangement,’ he said.
‘They certainly call for some imagination!’
‘We all stand to profit by it. You would profit—’
‘I? Good Heavens!’
‘Yes; it would be a great economy for you. It must be very expensive, having to board me out and run me as a separate show.’
‘It is cheap at the price,’ replied Mildred simply. ”

“ Cradock took up his hat. But Denny, crimson with anger and mortification, started forward.
‘Damn it all, Conway,’ he cried, ‘you shan’t be insulted like this! Do you think I’m going to stay here any longer? Not on your life! I’m coming with you. And’—with a ferocious glare in the direction of his mother and uncle—‘if I can’t be treated decently at home, I won’t come back—there! It’s no good, Mother. Please don’t stand in my way!’
But Mildred stood in his path, with arms outstretched, and a look on her face that Denny had never seen before. ”

“ Denny caught the implication.
‘What do you mean, Uncle Tony? What does he mean, Conway?’
‘I have no idea, Denny. But apparently my character is in question: I am not regarded as a suitable companion for innocent youth. You, Denny, are the innocent youth. Very well; I never crowd in where I’m not wanted. ”

“ They were such mean little thefts.’
‘But you must be reasonable, Milly. Remember, most of the people here are in very moderate circumstances. If they had more money, I would take it.’
But Mildred was in no mood for persiflage.
‘You’ve pilfered,’ she continued; ‘you’ve cheated; you’ve sponged on every one. You’ve borrowed money which you don’t mean to pay back; you’ve made love to foolish women like Laura Meakin—’
Cradock interrupted her again.
‘In justice to myself, my dear, I must tell you that there are others who do more credit to my taste than dear Laura. ”

“ A remittance man!’
‘Aren’t you a remittance man now?’
‘Oh, dear, no! A remittance man is paid to go abroad and drink himself to death: you are paying me to stay here and keep sober.’
Mildred broke away from him impatiently.
‘For Heaven’s sake, don’t be facetious now!’ she said. ‘What’s your alternative?’
‘This. As you are doubtless aware’—Cradock turned away and surveyed himself complacently in the adjacent mirror—‘I have made quite a hit in this neighbourhood, as an eligible parti. Young persons with shingled hair languish after me. ”

“ You’ve been trying to separate my children from me.’
‘Dear, dear, have I?’
‘Yes, ever since you arrived. You’ve made little headway with Joan—’
Cradock grinned ruefully.
‘You’re right there. I got no change out of Joan. They’re strange, hard creatures, modern daughters.’
‘But’—Mildred’s eyes blazed—‘you’re demoralising Denny. I believe you’re leading him into bad ways. He’s not so frank with me as he used to be. ”

“ Laura Meakin has as good as laid her heart and gilt-edged securities at my feet. Several more of your friends are consumed by a hopeless passion for me.’ He turned to his wife again. ‘And do you know why they regard that passion as hopeless? Because they have made up their minds, collectively, that you are the lucky one!’
‘Oh!’ Mildred clenched her fists, frantically. ”

“ Those old historical places, you know—Paris, and so forth.’ Denny swallowed again, and turned to his prospective host. ‘Aren’t we, old man?’
‘If Mrs. Cradock has no objection,’ said Conway gravely. ‘I was just sounding her on the subject when you came in.’ He turned to Mildred. ‘The idea is this. My old friends, the Moons—’
‘Those people who came to the meeting?’ There was no mistaking Mildred’s alarm now.
‘Mrs. Moon,’ announced Denny stoutly, ‘is an old dear. She will chaperon us.’
‘Chaperon? There will be other ladies, then?’
‘Yes,’ said Cradock—‘two of Mrs. Moon’s nieces. ”

“ He talked a lot of quite new nonsense to me the other day—about apron strings, and the necessity of a man living his own life and sowing his own wild oats, and all the pernicious rigmarole with which creatures like you try to stimulate immature boys into making a mess of their lives before they have had a chance to find themselves. ”