J. E. Buckrose

“ A deep tenderness came over Andy as he pictured her so—it seemed to flow through all his being—how could he write a letter asking her to marry him? A man must be a poet without self-consciousness, a lover without fear, and a potential husband without priggishness to do that properly—and where do you find that man?
Anyway, not in poor Andy, who sat clutching the mop of curls above his brow that had been brilliantined so nice and flat for the harvest festival, and who could get no further than—
“I do not know if you will be surprised to hear that I love you.” ”

“ There is a theory held by many wise people that if we were all happy we should all be good and clever; but facts at present do seem rather to dispute it. For instance, Andy was undoubtedly less happy than he had ever been in his life, though he was beginning to get hold of the meaning of life, and yet he was both better and cleverer than when he was happy.
His soul was learning, awkwardly and timidly, with many mishaps, to drive his body—and that is, of course, after all, the reason of human life; when we have learned that we are ready for the next thing. ”

“ Jebb,” agreed Sam, with respectful heartiness, though he had no idea what she was driving at. “Gee-up, Tommy.”
The cart gave a slight lurch, and for a moment Mrs. Jebb clung to her hat, which was of the airy, summery kind which some women always wear forlornly on into autumn, just as they cling to felt in a burning June. It is not a question of money but of temperament. Then they passed a little garden where an apple tree with the reddest apples ever seen, deep crimson with ruby streaks on them, glowed like jewels in the sunshine. ”

“ Then Andy went to bed, but he was restless and could not sleep, for now the dreams of Elizabeth that he went to look for in the dining-room pressed so close around him that he remained vividly awake.
He could not have told next morning what those confused dreams were—no one, not even a young man can describe the dreams of a young man about the girl he hopes to marry. They are like the City of Married Love itself, that has spires soaring into a clear heaven and little dim places where a man may hide. ”

“ Stamford needed a companion for his son—a young fellow who should not be too old or too clever to disdain such companionship.
Oh, Andy was no fool, once his eyes were opened, and he saw that plainly enough now. But it is a painful thing to be wounded in one’s vanity—more keenly smarting than to be wounded in one’s love, though without the dull ache that love’s hurts leave behind.
He went to the window and pulled up the blind. There was no moon, but it was a light night with stars, and he could see clearly the gravestones in the churchyard, and the dim whiteness of the lilies in the garden. ”

“ Atterton humming the wedding march in a sort of hoarse, crowing bellow; and Sims brought up the rear with a jelly in his hand and tears of laughter rolling down his purple cheeks, while he tried to look as if nothing unusual were happening.
“You can never,” said Mrs. Atterton breathlessly, suddenly remembering her back, “you can never wonder again why Bill is so idiotic. It’s hereditary. He can’t help it.”
“Andy—make Elizabeth have some of that pink stuff. She has eaten nothing for ages. But she won’t ‘want to willow’ now. A parson’s wife should look solid,” called Bill across the table. ”

“ Stamford was ushered in, or rather she did not wait for that, but hurried on ahead of the panting Edwards and across the expanse of carpet that separated her from Mrs. Atterton.
“My dear—I’m so glad—I’m so glad——”
It was significant that her unusual outburst of emotion did not culminate, as would have been natural, upon Elizabeth’s shoulder, but upon that of the girl’s mother. For once the ideas and traditions of a lifetime were in abeyance, and she came straight, swept along by an overwhelming tide of relief and thankfulness, to the one person in the world who would understand. ”

“ And as the artistic temperament—even in ponies—always brings inconveniences upon those nearest the gifted one, it is not surprising that Andy found himself in the road among a heap of apples with a few ham-sandwiches across his face.
Neither was it surprising that Elizabeth should be passing down the village street on her way from a visit to Miss Banks, because she constantly went there; but Andy, removing a ham-sandwich from his eyes, and jumping up unhurt, did feel it to be a particular irony of fate that she should be passing at that moment. ”

“ He would have been more scornful still if he could have walked behind them, for Andy knew, and Elizabeth knew, and both knew the other knew, that this was not a chance meeting. It was, for both of them, the first definite step upon that journey which leads to the mysterious City of Wedded Love.
It lay before them, as it does before every young lover—strange, wonderful, and yet with familiar streets that we all know by name—an enchanted muddle of realism and romance. ”

“ Stamford remarked casually—
“I am not going to the Attertons’ this afternoon; my husband is so seedy I do not care to leave him.”
As the big motor ran silently up the drive of Millsby Hall the four young people inside caught sight of light dresses and gay flowery hats against the green lawns and the clear blue of the summer sky. Life seemed to them all—even to Dick, fighting the hidden enemy—even to Andy, hasting to a Tantalus feast—to be a sunny, flowery time of youth and pleasure. Then a gust of wind brought the sound of a band in the distance playing an inspiriting march. ”

“ She broke off, and the memory of that Magnificat in the Attertons’ morning-room swept with desolating conviction across their hearts.
“Why did you accept Stamford when you loved me?” said Andy. “Even if you supposed I didn’t care, you need not have done that.”
“I thought,” said Elizabeth—and here it all came out—“I thought if I could not be happy myself I could make a great many other people happy. I could do some good with my life. I should never have taken Dick Stamford if I had not felt I could do some good with my life in that way. And I knew I could never be happy without you.” ”

“ Elizabeth gave a great start, and her face was very white in the moonlight.
“Yes,” she said, half whispering.
“What did you come for?” said Andy, pressing nearer to her.
They stood under a sycamore tree in the lane, but they could not see each other because a cloud sailed across the moon: it was very dark and still. Then the cloud passed—a little wind stirred—and immediately a thousand dusky stars of shadow quivered on the white radiance of the moonlit road.
“Why did you come?” repeated Andy a second time. ”

“ It is not easy for a man to be in love, body and soul, at twenty-six, and yet to remain away and wait. And Andy had more to bear than mere waiting, for he began to be torn by those fears and agonies which seem trivial to other people but are more real and poignant to those most concerned than any of the tremendous things of life which can come afterwards.
“Well, Sam?” he said, seeing the man through a haze of ideas that he was forging amid the fire of his emotions, and only half aware of him. “What is it now?”
“I’ve got the apples. Old Bateson’s given me them.” ”

“ Green of the close-cut lawn—green and gold of the holly hedge—gold and green of the trees full in the sun—gold of the lower sky—translucent green of the cloudless upper reaches. No wonder Andy’s growing soul groped and groped after some way of keeping this. No wonder he stretched out baby hands of the soul. And no wonder that he grasped nothing. Or so near nothing that this is all he found to say about the Werrits near the church porch with Mrs. Will Werrit bending over them. ”

“ He felt how elegant and fashionable she was, when she rose in her tight bodice with her tight curls in perfect order and a bluish bloom upon her nose—just as he had always felt when he came home from school or college and she received him kindly. For women gain the same hold on men by being always in full regimentals as soldiers do upon savages.
“My dear Andy,”—she had always been kind, but now she was doubly kind—“how pleased I am to see you.” ”

“ If Lady Jones had not appeared when she did he would have broken his promise to Dick Stamford. Instead of helping a weak man, he would have proved himself to be a weaker.
With bent head and dragging feet he trudged up the churchyard path. Here—he felt it in the bottom of his soul—here, but for the grace of God, went a breaker of promises—a sneak—a man who couldn’t play fair.
He would have to keep away from Elizabeth, because he could no longer trust himself. ”

“ Fortunately for himself, Andy never knew that he had provided the means of flight, but as the wife prospered much better alone it may be assumed that the circus-owner was no irretrievable loss to the circus or the country.
By the time the bargain was concluded, the waggons were already rumbling up to the door of the refreshment-rooms, and tired and happy babies cuddled down against their mothers’ knees to sleep all the way home, while the bigger ones sang hymns that sounded very sweet and touching, in spite of the rough, untrained voices, as they floated back in the still, evening air. ”

“ Simpson, glancing round proudly.
“N-no,” said Andy, as no one else replied. “He’s a splendid little chap!”
And indeed, as he struggled up again to stand unsteadily in the sunshine above the other children, with the full light on his bright hair and merry face, he did seem the very embodiment of joy and hope and roguish bravery—the things that belong to the clean dawn of life.
“I hope he’ll do well. I hope he’ll grow into a splendid man,” said Andy suddenly.
Or rather the words said themselves as he watched the little laughing lad with his curls all gold against the summer sky. ”

“ So Andy began to see that the end of everything was not come because he could not see Elizabeth for twenty-four hours. Then he remembered how the little pony had trotted on through the sunshine and through the rain like the game little creature it was, and he began to feel the first stirring of that affection which a decent man has for the horse or the dog that serves him faithfully. ”

“ He laid the apples in the basket with the same charmed sense of adventure that children know when they hear of the cave of Aladdin and that spirit first awakes which drives them forth later into the far places of the earth, whence they bring nothing back but a secret memory. Young Sam Petch, with his breeches tied with string, and his grizzled hair, was gathering, in that moment, the enchanted, forbidden fruit of every fable since the world began. The greatest can do no more—a schoolboy in a wood can do no less—real adventure is so splendidly democratic. ”

“ They—those older Thorpes—and the Will Ford who was afterwards Gulielmus had doubtless sat through long evenings after harvest-time in exactly the same atmosphere as surrounded Andy at present—and a sturdy sense of a man’s right to work and gain strength by working—and of a man’s right to suffer and grow fine by suffering—took hold of Andy’s soul to the exclusion of that weak dream of universal ease which had been, unconsciously, the outcome of a modern education. ”

“ He had forgotten all about Brother Gulielmus, and only because he caught his foot on the edge of the path that curved outwards by the tombstone did he pause there for a moment.
But once stayed, he glanced from habit at the familiar resting-place of that Gulielmus who had once been plain Will Ford.
Over fifty years. And the Vicar before Andy had been fifty years as well.
That half-century stretched out, interminable, before the young man’s vision.
What was the good of a life like that? Why had he ever become a parson? It was no career for an active man in the flush of youth and energy. ”

“ After the hurry and bustle of the growing years, and the time at college, and the London curacy, Andy seemed, as he sat there, to have come out into some quiet place where he could look round and listen. He felt, unconsciously, as a man does who has stood on a country road to watch a noisy procession pass: the last straggler vanishes in the cloud of dust behind it—the clash of music and shouting dies away—and a lark that has sung unnoticed all the time, goes on singing. ”

“ And the very same spirit that had fled with a shriek of the violin from the Attertons’ window, properly banished after making a whole roomful of people forget that they were earnest citizens with only one purpose in life—to do well for themselves and have a good time that should cost money and look it—that very same spirit had the cheek to venture forth again and tap at all the windows in Gaythorpe village in the freshness of the early morning. ”

“ Again the parson shook hands, but that was nothing; because an eternal handshaking is as essential a part of a clergyman’s life as putting on his trousers: it was the absence of the Andrew that went home to him. All his life he had been dogged by an undignified “Andy,” which was even more unclerical than the curls. Now he meant to drop it for ever. No one here had known him before at school or college—no one here was acquainted with the aunt by marriage and the cousins who had been his family since the age of sixteen—he would drop the boyish “Andy” into the limbo of the past. ”