J. Stirling Coyne

“ I must not let the dismal forebodings of old Croker prey upon me! Now! think of it, I’ll light one of those Turkish cigarettes, which my friend, Captain Crasher, brought home from the East. He tells me they’re prepared with opium and produce the most tranquillizing effect on the spirits. (he takes a cigar case from the table drawer and lights a cigarette) This I hope will restore the serenity of my mind. Be a man, Todd! be a man! Croker’s an ass! He and his stories may go to the devil. ”

“ Todd. An opium cigar! that’s it! Then I’m not a brigand with two wives! Laura, my love, come to the arms of your doting husband. (they embrace—door bell rings outside)
Mrs. T. There’s the policeman who was to ring the bell at five o’clock. You know we start at six.
Todd. Oh, yes, to be sure! I’ll be ready in five minutes. But first a word with our friends. (to audience) If I have been dreaming that you are pleased, pray don’t dispel so pleasant an illusion—but, with your usual good nature—give me a lucky omen for my dream to-night and to-morrow.—“What will they say at Brompton?” ”

“ Take my advice, Samuel, and stay in your own country. If you must travel—if you must go to the seaside—have you not Gravesend, Southend, and Mile-end?
Todd. Oh, but you know, if one never moves from one’s native shore, one might as well be born a muscle—or a barnacle!
Mrs. T. Besides, my dear uncle, it’s now too late to alter our arrangements. What would they say at Brompton if we went to Margate, with a passport for Naples?
Crok. Have you considered the practices of the Italian innkeepers, who skin an Englishman alive, when they catch him? ”

“ Todd. You think I’m brave? (drinks)
Jaco. You’re a devil! And yet how we may be deceived by appearances—to judge by your looks—I should say you were a coward.
Todd. (aside) Nature writes a plain hand!
Jaco. But I know that in that breast beats the heart of a lion.
Todd. (aside) He means a mouse—the smallest of mice.
Jaco. Never saw anything like your coolness this morning, when you were attacked.
Todd. It was you then, who—
Jaco. (takes up Todd’s hat) Made this hole in your hat. I meant to have made a bole in your head—half an inch lower, and the bullet would have been through your brain. ”

“ Mari. Impossible, signora. My uncle never goes out that he don’t lock all the doors after him.
Mrs. T. But there are windows, Marietta, and here is one. (going towards it, is withheld by Marietta)
Mari. Stop—stop!—Would you kill yourself! Hah! I have it! There is a rope ladder here, (going into room, L. 3 E., and returning with a rope ladder) By means of this ladder you can descend into the garden, and remain concealed there till daylight enables you to gain the high road, (fixing rope ladder to balcony, C.)
Mrs. T. (L. C.) Thanks, thanks, ten thousand thanks, generous Marietta! ”

“ Your attentions have compromised her honour, signor, and you must make reparation by marrying her.
Todd. Marrying! Do I clearly understand you? (both come forward, C.) ;
Jaco. Clearly; I have been long seeking for a man of coolness and courage, as a husband for Marietta. When you become my nephew, you shall be second in command to myself in the band.
(Grimbaldi is seen peeping in at door, R. 2 E., and listening)
Todd. (R. C.) Gracious powers! Have I been growing up at Cozy Cottage to be the nephew of a brigand? What would they say at Brompton to that? ”

“ But some men are never to be taught. How he got into this house, I can’t imagine—but the object of his visit is apparent; he comes to make love to the Signor’s niece—a pastime that I shall take the liberty of interrupting.
Re-enter Grimbaldi, R. 2 E.
Grim. I can’t stand it any longer. Diavolo! I had a good mind (threatening with dagger) but Terreboli’s eye was upon me, and I durst not move a finger.
Mrs. T. (L.) You seem agitated—what has happened?
Grim. (R. gloomily) Oh, nothing! but—torture!—she is married!
Mrs. T. Who’s married?
Grim. She—she—Marietta—married—to—ten thousand fiends! ”

“ An apartment in a dilapidated castle, still exhibiting traces of having been once occupied by persons of taste and opulence.—The hangings are faded and torn, and the pictures falling from their tarnished frames; some articles of antique furniture are mingled with others of a new and modern fashion ”

“ Marietta discovered alone, looking out on balcony at back.
Mari. Not a living creature to be seen; not a sound to be heard but the chirping of the cicalas amongst the pine trees, (comes down, C.) Heigho!—what a lonely life is mine! no better than a prisoner in this desolate old house in the mountains, seeing nobody but my uncle Jacopo and his frightful followers, except when they happen to bring in some unlucky traveller, who has fallen into their hands.
p. 10Enter Todd, L. 2 E., he is dressed in mourning, and wears a black hatband round a high-crowned Italian peasant’s hat ”

“ Todd. The strangest one in the world; you must know I rode out from Naples this morning to visit a celebrated ruin in this neighbourhood;—I’m fond of ruins, when they’re in a perfect state! I was mounted on my guide, while a mule carried my umbrella—no, I’m wrong, I was mounted on my umbrella, while the guide carried the p. 11mule—no, I’m wrong again—for ’twas the mule carried me. Well, I was riding along enjoying myself wonderfully, thinking of my lost Laura, when, bang came a bullet through my hat! (takes off his hat and puts his finger through a hole in the side) There! ”

“ Mind that concertina, Perks—it’s the only instrument I play— (takes it from her, C.) , and having devoted myself for six months to “My Mary Ann,” I rather flatter myself I shall create an extraordinary sensation amongst the foreign echoes this summer. (he commences playing “My Mary Ann,” when a knock is heard) Hah! who can this be?
Perks crosses at back and exits, R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. I dare say my uncle Croker—come to bid us good bye.
Todd. Your uncle, my dear, is a very worthy man. ”

“ Marietta exits, 2 E. R.
St. Nicholas, send us some luck! For the last three weeks there hasn’t been a traveller between Itri and Naples worth stopping, till this morning, when I had a crack at a fellow mounted on a mule, who looked as if his p. 13pockets were well lined; but he must have been the devil, for he disappeared like a stone in a lake, after lodging a bullet in Giuseppe’s shoulder. ”

“ Deliciously soothing this cigarette!—not until, I had weighed in my mind,—the—delightful aroma, and the—object however lovely, with—the memory of the dear departed,—and the natural—weakness of—of—my head—no—my heart—and conjugal affection.—I’m coming—my dear—com—ing! ”

“ Todd and Grimbaldi, with a Brigand carrying luggage.
Mari. (as she enters) My uncle, signora.
Grim. (R.) The noble and excellent Signor Jacopo Terreboli, who will be proud to offer your excellency the hospitalities of his princely mansion.
Mrs. T. (C., aside and looking round the apartment) First appearances are not much in favour of the mansion,—or its master. (curtseys to Jacopo) Signor—a—
Grim. (R.) Jacopo Terreboli.
Mrs. T. (C.) I fear I am intruding.
Jaco. (bowing, L.) By no means, signora. I am never more happy than when distinguished ladies like yourself honour me by a visit. ”

“ Todd. Adieu, too lovely native. Ah! pea straw with those we love. (begins to play concertina)
Jaco. (without, R. 3 E.) Marietta!
(Todd rushes off precipitately, L. 3 E.; Marietta pretends to busy herself about household matters)
Enter Jacopo Terreboli, R. 3 E.
Jaco. (entering) Marietta! The girl can hear no voice, but her own. (yawns) Aw! Awh! I’ve had rather a long nap—what’s the hour, Marietta?
Mari. (up, L.) The moon has just risen, uncle.
Jaco. (R.) And Grimbaldi not returned yet. (whistle outside, at back) Hah! there they come. Go and open the door, niece. ”

“ Todd. Come, my adored Laura. (he offers his arm to Mrs. Todd, L. C., who turns away scornfully)
p. 27Mrs. T. (crossing to R.) Good night—for ever!
Exit, R. D. 2 E.
Todd. (offering his arm to Marietta, L.) Come, Marietta.
Marietta turns away angrily, and crossing, R., exits, R. D. 2 E.
Ungrateful sex—after marrying them both! (taking Jacopo’s arm, R.) Come, signor; let us fly together!
Jaco. (R.) No, you remain here.
Points pistol at him, and exits, R. D. 2 E.
Todd. Hold! You’re never going to roast me alive—to leave me to grill my own bones. Hollo! this is murder. Ho! Somebody! Help! ”