Jerome K. Jerome

“ The baby was quiet now, gnawing the dog-biscuit. The old lady looked at the child, then turned and hid her face against the chambermaid's bosom.
"What is it?" she says, speaking in an awed voice. "The thing in the hamper?"
"It's a baby. Ma'am," says the maid.
"You're sure it ain't a dog?" says the old lady. "Look again."
The girl began to feel nervous, and to wish that she wasn't alone with the old lady.
"I ain't likely to mistake a dog for a baby, Ma'am," says the girl. "It's a child—a human infant."
The old lady began to cry softly. "It's a judgment on me," she says. ”

“ I thought if you were a married man you would be able to understand the thing better. Have you got an intelligent woman in the house?"
"We've got women," I says. "As to their intelligence, that's a matter of opinion; they're the average sort of women. Shall I call the chambermaid?" ”

“ By a coincidence this dog was being taken to Birmingham, packed in a hamper exactly similar to the one you put your baby in. You've got this man's bull-pup, he's got your baby; and I wouldn't like to say off-hand at this moment which of you's feeling the madder. ”

“ Each woman felt sure she was the mother of the one that was crowing at the moment, and when it yelled she was positive it was no child of hers. They thought they would trust to the instinct of the children. ”

“ Old ladies with dog-baskets ain't so difficult to trace. She had gone to a small second-rate hotel in the Aston Road. I heard all particulars from the chambermaid, and the old girl seems to have had as bad a time in her way as my gent had in his. They couldn't get the hamper into the cab, it had to go on the top. The old lady was very worried, as it was raining at the time, and she made the cabman cover it with his apron. ”

“ Babies ain't the sort of things as gets lost easily. It's only on the stage that folks ever have any particular use for other people's children. I've known some bad characters in my time, but I'd have trusted the worst of 'em with a wagon-load of other people's kids. ”

“ They've took your dog out and put that in its place."
"They must have been precious smart," says the old lady; "the hamper hasn't been out of my sight for more than five minutes, when I went into the refreshment-room at Banbury for a cup of tea."
"That's when they did it," says the chambermaid, "and a clever trick it was."
The old lady suddenly grasped her position, and jumped up from the floor. "And a nice thing for me," she says. "An unmarried woman in a scandal-mongering village! ”

“ We had been discussing the question whether sardines served their purpose better as a hors d'œuvre or as a savoury; and I found myself wondering for the moment why sardines, above all other fish, should be of an unbelieving nature; while endeavouring to picture to myself the costume best adapted to display the somewhat difficult figure of a sardine. Henry put down his glass, and came to my rescue with the necessary explanation.
"Why, women—that they can tell one baby from another, without its clothes. ”