“ DEAR ME, NOW, I'VE BROKEN MY COMB, AND ALL MY BACK HAIR'S COME DOWN. WHAT WITH BRUSHING, AND DRESSING, AND CURLING, AND ONE THING AND THE OTHER, WHAT A PLAGUE ONE'S HAIR IS TO BE SURE!"
Young Fellow. "WELL, HARRIET, WE ARE ALL BOTHERED WITH SOMETHING. LOOK AT US MEN; WE HAVE TO SHAVE EVERY MORNING, SUMMER AND WINTER!" ”

“ THIS WAY, MA'AM; LAST ROW, MA'AM. WON'T YOU LIKE A BOOK, MA'AM?"
SEASONABLE QUESTION. "DID YOU WANT YER DOOR SWEPT, MARM?"
A BRITISH RUFFIAN.
Lady. "IF YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH WHAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU, THERE'S A GENTLEMAN HERE WHO WILL SETTLE WITH YOU."
Cabman. "NO, THERE AIN'T! THERE AIN'T NO GENTLEMAN HERE!" ”

“ Mr. Gobble. "YOU SEE, SAM, YOU ARE A WERRY YOUNG MAN: AND WHEN I AM TOOK AWAY (WHICH, IN THE COMMON COURSE OF EWENTS, CAN'T BE WERRY LONG FUST) , YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF PROPERTY. NOW, I'VE ONLY ONE PIECE OF ADWICE TO GIVE YOU. IT'S THIS—AND BY ALL MEANS ACT UPON IT:—LAY DOWN PLENTY OF PORT IN YOUR YOUTH THAT YOU MAY HAVE A GOOD BOTTLE OF WINE IN YOUR OLD AGE." ”

“ Flunkey. "OH, DEAR NO, MA'AM—NOT DISSATISFIED EXACTLY: BUT—A—THE FACT IS, MA'AM, YOU DON'T KEEP NO VEHICLE, AND I FIND I MISS MY CARRIAGE EXERCISE."
NOTHING LIKE PRUDENCE.
Maria (loq.) . "MY DEAR CHARLES, BEFORE WE THINK OF MARRYING, I MUST ASK YOU WHAT YOU HAVE?"
Charles. "MY DEAR MARIA, I WILL TELL YOU FRANKLY THAT ALL I HAVE IN THE WORLD IS A DRUM AND A CRICKET BAT; BUT PAPA HAS PROMISED ME A BOW AND ARROWS, AND A PONY, IF I'M A GOOD BOY."
Maria. "OH! MY DEAR CHARLES, WE COULD NEVER LIVE AND KEEP HOUSE UPON THAT!" ”

“ YOU WANT A HUNTER. THERE HE IS. HE'S QUIET, WELL-BRED, AND LAW! WITH YOUR WEIGHT, HE'S UP TO ANY HOUNDS, AND AN UNCOMMON CLEVER FENCER!"
Sporting Gent. "OH! COME NOW! THAT WON'T DO. I'VE HEARD OF A 'ORSE DANCING; BUT I'M NOT SO JOLLY GREEN AS TO BELIEVE A 'ORSE CAN FENCE, YOU KNOW!" ”

“ Gentleman (under the influence of White Bait) . "WELL, OLD FELLA—REKLECT—PRESHENT COMPANY DINE HERE WITH ME EVERY MONDAY, THURSDAY, AN' SAT'DY—FRIDAY—NO—TOOSDAY, THURSDAY, AND SAT'DY—M:ND AN' DON' FORGET—I SAY—WHAT A GOOD FELLA YOU ARE—GREATEST 'STEEM AND REGARD FOR YOU, OLD FELLA!!!"
STRONG ASSERTION. Omnibus Driver (addressing another) . "YOU'RE A PRETTY FELLOW, YOU ARE. YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN? WHY, I'VE SEEN A BETTER MAN THAN YOU MADE OUT OF TEA-LEAVES!" ”

“ FEW THINGS ARE MORE ANNOYING THAN TO BE SHORT OF POWDER WHEN THERE IS A CHANCE OF GOOD SPORT. MR. BRIGGS FEELING THIS, ORDERS A GOOD SUPPLY, TO BANG AWAY AT THE PHEASANTS TO-MORROW. HE SUGGESTS TO MRS. BRIGGS, THAT IT SHOULD BE KEPT UNDER THEIR BED, TO BE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE CHILDREN!!
A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT A FESTIVE SEASON.
Mamma. "WHY, MY DEAREST ALBERT, WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?—SO GOOD, TOO, AS YOU HAVE BEEN ALL DAY!"
Spoiled Little Boy. "BOO-HOO! I'VE EATEN SO—MUCH BE-EF AND T-TURKEY, THAT I CANT EAT ANY P-PLUM P-P-PUDDING!" ”

“ DOUBTFUL. Boy. "COME IN, SIR! YOU'VE NO CALL TO BE AFRAID! I'VE GOT HIM QUITE TIGHT."
A CAUSE FOR REPROOF.
Lady (severely) . "JANET, I MUST DESIRE YOU TO GO AT ONCE AND DRESS YOUR HAIR IN A BECOMING MANNER, AND NOT TO IMITATE ME SO ABSURDLY."
AWKWARD CONSEQUENCES OF REMOVING THE SOLDIERS FROM KNIGHTSBRIDGE. Housemaid. "IF YOU PLEASE 'M, ME, AND COOK, AND MARY, WISHES TO LEAVE, THIS DAY MONTH, MA'AM."
REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES.
Mary. "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, IF YOU'VE DONE WITH THE INK, WILL YOU LET WILLIAM HAVE IT TO CLEAN YOUR BOOTS? BECAUSE IT'S ALL THE BLACKING WE'VE GOT IN THE HOUSE." ”

“ AN OLD LADY IS CROSSING THE STREET, WHEN A LITTLE BOY SHOUTS OUT—"HI!" AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE. THE OLD LADY (ALTHOUGH INDEED THERE IS NO REAL CAUSE FOR ALARM) STARTS, AND BECOMES GREATLY AGITATED, AND IMAGINES THAT SHE IS RUN OVER BY AN OMNIBUS. THIS IS AN EXCEEDINGLY PLEASANT TRICK. ”

“ Wife (much startled) . "GOOD GRACIOUS, REGINALD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GUN?"
Reginald (who is very fond of shooting) . "HUSH! HUSH! MY DEAR—I'VE KILLED TWO!"
Wife. "MY GOODNESS! TWO WHAT?—THIEVES?" ”

“ Equestrian. "NOW, BOY, DON'T YOU BE TAKING OFF YOUR HAT TO MAKE ME A BOW—YOU'LL FRIGHTEN MY HORSE."
Boy. "A—A—A WARN'T A-GOING TO!"
WOUNDED PRIDE.
Small Boy. "NOW, THEN, YOU SIR! DON'T YOU KNOW NO BETTER THAN TO RUN AGIN A MIMBER O' PARLIAMENT—JUST YOU COME BACK, AND PICK UP MY 'AT, OR I'M BLOWED IF I DON'T MAKE YER!" ”

“ THANK'YE, BILL, THANK'YE. I HAD OUGHT TO BE A HAPPY COVE—FOR I'VE GOT A WIFE AS CAN THRASH ANY MAN OF HER WEIGHT—AND I'VE GOT A CHILD OF TWO YEARS AND A ARF AS CAN EAT TWO POUNDS O' BEEFSTEAK AT A SITTING—LET ALONE OWNIN' THE SMALLEST BLACK AND TAN TERRIER IN THE WORLD! ”

“ First Young Lady. "OH, DEAR. HOW DULL THE OLD TOWN IS, NOW ALL THE OFFICERS ARE GONE ABROAD!"
Second ditto (a trifle older) . "H'M—FOR MY PART, I'M VERY GLAD THEY'RE GONE, FOR THEY WERE ALWAYS FOLLOWING ONE ABOUT!" ”

“ WHY DO THOSE GENTLEMEN DRESS THEMSELVES LIKE THE FUNNY LITTLE MEN IN MY NOAH'S ARK?"
VERY CONSIDERATE.
Affable Little Gentleman. "DEAR, OH DEAR! HOW IT RAINS! I'M AFRAID YOU'LL GET VERY WET—CAN I OFFER YOU A GREAT COAT OR ANYTHING?" ”

“ WHY NOT STOP ALL NIGHT?"
A GREAT MENTAL EFFORT.
First Cock Sparrow. "WHAT A MIWACKULOUS TYE, FWANK! HOW THE DOOSE DO YOU MANAGE IT?"
Second Cock Sparrow. "YAS. I FANCY IT IS RATHER GRAND; BUT THEN, YOU SEE, I GIVE THE WHOLE OF MY MIND TO IT."
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COMING HOME.
Old Party (who is taking care of the house) . "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'LL FIND THE ROOM NICE AN' CLEAN—AN' I'M SURE THE BED'S HAIRED—FOR I'VE BIN AN' SLEP IN IT MY OWN SELF HEVERY NIGHT."
OH! THE CURTAINS. Objectionable Child. "LOR, PA! ARE YOU GOING TO SMOKE? MY EYE! WON'T YOU CATCH IT WHEN MA COMES HOME, FOR MAKING THE CURTAINS SMELL!" ”

“ IT'S A WIG!"
PUNCTUALITY IS THE SOUL OF BUSINESS.
"NO-O-O. GOOD-NIGHT, OLD CHAP! BUSINESS IS THE SOUL OF PUNCTUALITY. I MUST GO NOW. I'VE GOT SOME BUSI-BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO— (hic) —LET-TERS TO—WRITE!" ”

“ Fisherman (to Old Gentleman) . "THEY'RE A' BITIN' AWAY OVER 'ERE, SIR! JUST STEP ACROSS THAT THERE BIT O' WOOD, SIR, AND YOU'LL HAVE A CAPITAL PITCH, SIR!"
Old Gentleman. "ACROSS THAT BIT OF WOOD! DOES THE MAN THINK I'M A ROPE-DANCER?"
72
GOING TO COVER.
Voice in the distance. "NOW, THEN, SMITH—COME ALONG!"
Smith. "OH, IT'S ALL VERY WELL TO SAY, COME ALONG! WHEN HE WON'T MOVE A STEP; AND I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO LIE DOWN."
A SON AND HEIR. Son and Heir. "HOW MANY OF US ARE THERE? WHY, IF YOU COUNT THE GIRLS, THERE ARE SIX—BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T COUNT THE GIRLS.—I'M ONE!" ”

“ I'VE CUT MY FINGER WITH AUNT'S SCISSORS."
"THAT'S A GOOD BOY! ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH!"
55
MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.
No. VI. MR. BRIGGS (at an alarming sacrifice) GETS RID OF HORSE NO. I., AND GOES OUT FOR A RIDE IN THE COUNTRY UPON NO. II.
Carman. "FELL DOWN, HAS HE, SIR? AH, HE LOOKS AS IF HE COULD BE WERRY CLEVER AT THAT.—WERRY ORKERD THING, SIR, FOR A OSS TO FALL DOWN, SIR. OSSES OOSTES A GOOD BIT O' MONEY—LEASTWAYS, GENTLEMEN'S OSSES DOES.—NOW, JIST LOOK AT MY LITTLE OSS, SIR, AND HE'S A POOR MAN'S OSS, HE IS. HE DON'T GO FALLIN' ABOUT." (Exit.) ”

“ Conductor. "ALL RIGHT, JIM. PUSH ALONG, I'VE SERVED THE OLD GAL OUT THIS TIME."
Old Lady. "HERE, STOP! CONDUCTOR! I WON'T TAKE CHANGE FOR A FIVE-SHILLING PIECE IN HALF-PENCE—THAT I WON'T! HERE, POLICE! CONDUCTOR!" &C.
THE INTERESTING STORY.
First Ticket Porter. "AND SO, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALL I KNOWS ABOUT IT."
Second Ticket Porter. "WELL! I DON'T KNOW AS EVER I KNOWED A MAN AS KNOWS AS MUCH AS YOU KNOWS." ”

“ Second ditto. "WHY, HE SAYS HE MUST HAVE A COMPARTMENT TO HISSELF, BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET ON WITHOUT HIS SMOKE!"
MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT.—No. I. Gent. "I SAY, MOSEY! WHY DON'T YER GO THE 'OLE 'OG, AND LET ALL YER BEARD GROW, LIKE ME?"
OUR BOYS. Master Tom (to Old Lady who is very nervous about fire) . "IT'S ALL RIGHT, GRANMA! MY CANDLE IS OUT. I'M ONLY SMOKING MY USUAL WEED!" ”

“ MEN OF EXPERIENCE.
Tom. "AH, BILL! I'M QUITE TIRED OF THE DISSIPATION OF THE GAY AND FASHIONABLE WORLD. I THINK I SHALL MARRY AND SETTLE."
Bill. "WELL, I'M DEVILISH SICK OF A BACHELOR'S LIFE MYSELF, BUT I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF THROWING MYSELF AWAY IN A HURRY."
QUITE UNNECESSARY. Juvenile. "OH, CHARLEY. IF YOU HEAR A REPORT THAT I'M GOING TO BE MARRIED TO THAT GIRL IN BLACK, YOU CAN CONTRADICT IT. THERE'S NOTHING IN IT."
NOT VERY LIKELY.
Mistress. "WELL, I'M SURE! AND PRAY WHO IS THAT?" ”

“ NOT THE FIRST TIME. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MA'AM, BUT I THINK YOU DROPPED THIS."
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OUR LAZY CONTRIBUTOR.
"PLEASE, SIR, HERE'S THE PRINTER'S BOY CALLED AGAIN."
"OH, BOTHER! SAY I'M BUSY."
WHICH IS BEST?
Matilda. "I WONDER, MARIA, YOU DON'T PUT AUGUSTUS INTO JACKETS AND TROWSERS; REALLY HE GROWS TOO TALL FOR THAT KIND OF COSTUME."
Maria. "PERHAPS, MATILDA, YOU WILL BE KIND ENOUGH TO ALLOW ME TO DRESS MY OWN CHILD IN MY OWN WAY. I AM MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU ALL THE SAME. I DON'T LIKE THE PRACTICE SOME PEOPLE HAVE OF DRESSING LITTLE BOYS LIKE LITTLE MEN!!!" ”

“ AQUATICS. WHO IS THIS? WHY, THIS IS MR. JOHN CHUBB PULLING ONE OF HIS LONG, SLOW, STEADY STROKES. HE IS TAKING MORE PAINS THAN USUAL, BECAUSE THOSE PRETTY GIRLS IN THE ROUND HATS ARE SITTING ON THE LAWN DRAWING FROM NATURE.
AND—HERE ARE THE GIRLS IN THE ROUND HATS.
170
THE NEW GROOM.
Gentleman. "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE CARE OF HORSES?"
Boy. "WELL, SIR, I HAD OUGHT TO—FOR I'VE BEEN AMONGST 'EM ALL MY LIFE."
AN ANCIENT IMPOSTOR.
Youths. "THEN, I SUPPOSE, WHEN YOU WERE A SMUGGLER, YOU USED TO HAVE REG'LAR COMBATS AND FIGHTS?" ”

“ VY, I'VE BIN AND LEFT MY HOPERA-GLASS IN A CAB NOW."
25
MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HOUSEKEEPING.
No. V.
JUST TO SHOW HOW ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER—MR. BRIGGS (WHO HAS COME OUT ON THE LEADS WHILE THE MEN ARE GONE TO DINNER) IS SHOWN BY THE BUILDER HOW IT WOULD BE THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD TO "THROW" HIS PASSAGE INTO HIS DINING ROOM, AND BUILD A NEW ENTRANCE HALL WITH A SLIGHT CONSERVATORY OVER IT.—TO THE RIGHT OF THE CARTOON IS MRS. BRIGGS (!) ”

“ FASHIONS FOR FAST MEN.
Tom. "WHICH DO YOU LIKE BEST FOR TROUSERS, BILL, CHECKS OR STRIPES?"
Bill. "WELL, I THINK CHECKS ARE UNCOMMON SUPERIOR, BUT STRIPES IS MOST NOBBY."
THOSE SHOCKING CLUBS.
Charley (who is rather addicted to betting) . "—AND TALKING OF GOODWOOD RACES, WE'VE GOT SUCH A JOLLY SWEEP AT OUR CLUB!" ”

“ Prodigy (who picks up everything so readily) . "AH, AIN'T IT A STUNNER?"
AWFUL OCCURRENCE AT AN EVENING PARTY. "MY GOODNESS, EMILY! THEY'RE BEGINNING THE QUADRILLE, AND HERE'S ALL MY 'BACK HAIR' COMING DOWN!! WHATEVER SHALL I DO?" ”

“ Husband. "WELL! I DECLARE I'M QUITE GLAD IT'S A WET DAY. IT WILL BE AN EXCUSE TO STOP AT HOME WITH MY DARLING LITTLE PIPSEY POPSY. WHAT DO YOU SAY, DICKEY! EH? PRETTY DICK! PRETTY DICK!"
CONSOLS AT 80.
Husband. "GO OUT FOR A WALK! NONSENSE! I'VE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. I THINK TOO, YOU MIGHT PULL DOWN THAT BLIND, UNLESS YOU WANT THE SUN TO SPOIL ALL THE FURNITURE ”

“ Cavalry Officer (who rides about five stone) . "I'M DOOCED GLAD WE'RE IN THE HEAVIES; AIN'T YOU, CHARLEY? IT WOULD BE A HORRID BORE TO BE SENT OUT TO THE CAPE LIKE THOSE POOR LIGHT BOBS."
OUR YOUNG PEOPLE.
Juvenile. "I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, GOVERNOR, THE SOONER WE COME TO SOME UNDERSTANDING THE BETTER. YOU CAN'T EXPECT A YOUNG FELLER TO BE ALWAYS AT HOME ”

“ KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
Tom. "JACK! WHEREABOUTS IS AMSTID—AM?"
Jack. "WELL, I CAN'T SAY EXACKERLY, BUT I KNOW IT'S SOMEWHERE NEAR AMSTID-EATH!"
HOW TO MAKE A CHATELAINE A REAL BLESSING TO MOTHERS.
THE PIKE IS A VORACIOUS FISH, AND BITES VERY READILY IN THE WINTER MONTHS. OLD GENTLEMAN IS VERY FOND OF FISHING!!
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A NICE GAME AT BILLIARDS.
Pretty Cousin. "LET ME SEE, FREDERICK, I'M JUST EIGHTEEN TO YOUR LOVE?"
Frederick (who is always so ridiculous) . ”

“ ALARMING EFFECT PRODUCED BY IMPRUDENTLY TRYING THE HAT AND TABLE-MOVING EXPERIMENT.
VERY KIND. "WELL! GOOD BYE, UNCLE! I'VE ENJOYED MYSELF VERY MUCH IN THE COUNTRY; AND IF YOU WILL RUN UP TO LONDON AT ANY TIME, I'LL SHOW YOU A LITTLE LIFE!" ”

“ Railway Guard. "NOW, MA'AM, IS THIS YOUR LUGGAGE?"
Old Lady (who concludes she is attacked by Brigands) . "OH, YES! GENTLEMEN, IT'S MINE. TAKE IT—TAKE ALL I HAVE—BUT SPARE, OH SPARE OUR LIVES!!"
TRUE POLITENESS. Alderman Gobble. "NOW, THEN, GALS! I'VE QUITE DONE. CAN I GET YOU ANY GRUB?"
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MR. BRIGG'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.
No. X
A FRIEND HAS GIVEN MR. BRIGGS A DAY'S SHOOTING. A COCK PHEASANT GETS UP, AND MR. BRIGGS'S IMPRESSION IS, THAT A VERY LARGE FIREWORK HAS BEEN LET OFF CLOSE TO TO HIM. HE IS ALMOST FRIGHTENED TO DEATH. ”

“ Harriet. "OH! I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE COME, BLANCHE! I'VE BEEN SO PERPLEXED I COULD SCARCELY SLEEP ALL NIGHT."
Blanche. "WELL! WHAT IS IT, DEAR?"
Harriet. "WHY, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HAVE MY NEW MERINO FROCK VIOLET OR DARK BLUE!"
A LONDON GENT ABROAD.
Scene—A Café in Paris.
London Gent. "GARCONG! TAS DE CORFEE!"
Garçon. "BIEN, M'SIEU'—VOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ZEE 'TIMES'?"
London Gent. "HANG THE FELLER! NOW, I WONDER HOW THE DOOSE HE FOUND OUT I WAS AN ENGLISHMAN!"
13
ROMANCE AND REALITY.
Beautiful Being (who is all soul) . "HOW GRAND, HOW SOLEMN, DEAR FREDERICK, THIS IS! ”

“ Cabman. "LOR BLESS YER, MISS, WHY, I'VE BEEN MARRIED THIS SEVEN YEARS."
HALL ALONG OF THEM BETTING OFFICES.
Betting Flunkey. "LOST? I BELIEVE YER! AND LOST A HATFULL OF MONEY ON THE HOAKS, TOO; AND HOW I'M TO SETTLE WITHOUT PARTING WITH MY JEWELLERY, I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW! AH, MR. BOTTLES, ITS HARD LINES TO WAIT AT TABLE WITH SUCH CARES AND HANXIETIES."
A BRUTAL FELLOW.
Policeman. "NOW, MUM! WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
Injured Female. "IF YOU PLEASE, MISTER—I WANT TO GIVE MY WRETCH OF A 'USBAND IN CHARGE. HE'S ALLVAYS A KNOCKING OF ME DOWN AND A STAMPIN' ON ME!" ”

“ Maid. "IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, THERE'S A YOUTH IN THE PASSAGE AS WANTS TO KNOW IF THESE TOP BOOTS IS ALL RIGHT."
PLAIN SPEAKING.
Amiable Young Lady No. 1. "PRETTY! OH, DEAR NO—DO YOU?"
Amiable Young Lady No. 2. "LAW! NOT AT ALL. BESIDES, HOW ABOMINABLY AFFECTED SHE IS!"
62
FANCY DRESS BALL. "SIR!—PLEASE, MR.!—SIR! YOU'VE FORGOT THE DOOR-KEY!"
HOW TO DRESS A LOBSTER. Rude Boy. "OH, LOOK 'ERE, JIM!—IF 'ERE AIN'T A LOBSTER BIN AND OUTGROWED HIS CLOAK!"
ADVICE GRATIS.
Ellen. "OH, DON'T TEASE ME TO-DAY, CHARLEY; I'M NOT AT ALL WELL!"
Charley (a Man of the World) . ”

“ Individual (who is not over strong in his head, or firm on his legs) . "D-D-D-D-ID WALTZING—EVER—MAKE—YOU—GIDDY? BECAUSE, I—SHALL—BE—HAPPY—TO—SIT—DOWN—WHENEVER—YOU'RE—TIRED!"
Girl (who is in high dancing condition) . "OH, DEAR NO—I COULD WALTZ ALL NIGHT!"
THE NEW BONNET.
Frederick. "THERE NOW, HOW VERY PROVOKING! I'VE LEFT THE PRAYER-BOOKS AT HOME!" ”