John T. McCutcheon

“ Figgey. “First we’ll go to London and show those Britishers a touch of high life, then skip over to Paris, thence to Venice, and circle around to Rome. Them’s the four great show places of Europe, and no tour is complete without ’em.” ”

“ Figgey. “Those Falls have power enough to run all the factories in the U. S. A.”
“A notable sight,” said Mrs. Riley Withersby.
“More impressive than Dante’s ‘Inferno,’” said Mrs. J. Milton Brown.
“A masterpiece of Nature,” said Reverend Walpole.
“Unequalled in history,” said Wilbur Fry.
“Fine, but wait till you see Saint Peter’s in Rome,” said Mr. Ernest Pratt, who was in Europe several years ago.
“Too bad I can’t get a good photo of it. The Falls would make a beautiful moving picture,” said Mr. J. Milton Brown.
“Truly a sublime spectacle,” said Mr. Smiley Greene, the popular undertaker. ”

“ Figgey soon located them in a gondola by themselves. Riley seems to be in earnest this time, but now could any one help being in earnest, and in love, in Venice. Even all of us become a little bit soft here—even us old married people. Flossye Niebling has been spending all her time writing letters home. The stationery at the hotels is so attractive and she doesn’t want to miss a chance to use it.
From here we go to Rome. ”

“ Figgey is so material in his attitude of thought, but he has been a perfect dear in arranging things. He doesn’t let us rest a moment, and even now, when we have been here only two days, he seems to know all the gondoliers and everybody in town knows him. He calls all the gondoliers “Louey,” and they begin to grin broadly whenever he comes in sight. We had such a good joke on Elmer Pratt to-day. We came across a little church near the hotel and Elmer went into raptures over it. ”

“ We don’t propose to have a big man with a gun leaning up against us on the starboard side, so here’s where we get busy.’ So Japan prepares for fight, but Russia doesn’t think she is in earnest. She calls Japan a little pigmy and delays rolling up her sleeve. At that moment Japan inaugurated what Mr. Gus Figgey would call ‘Rough House’ and lands on Russia at Port Arthur with the result that Russia wakes up to find her solar plexus dislocated. ”

“ You can’t help pitying these Europeans, for they can’t go abroad for the summer, being already there. Went out to visit the Morgue to-day. Busiest place of its kind I’ve ever seen. Visited Napoleon’s tomb this afternoon, and consider it a most imposing place. Mr. Figgey tells us that the departed is a relative of the new United States Secretary of the Navy, a fact which has aroused great interest in our midst. Yesterday we drove out to witness the Arch of Triumph, which was greatly enjoyed by all save Ernest Pratt, to whom Europe is an old story, he having been here before. ”

“ She doesn’t think England will stand for her action, but England had a weak Prime Minister, and no protest was made. Of all the nations of the earth, Russia was the most surprised to find that she was to be allowed to keep Port Arthur. So she proceeded to fortify and prepared to stay a good deal longer than her lease called for. Japan is sore, but all the powers were against her. Russia then decides that she must have all the land between Port Arthur and Siberia, so she proceeds to occupy Manchuria. ”

“ Beautiful somber tints stretch from horizon upward, blending into the deep blue of Heaven’s own firmament. Dainty white caps assail the towering walls of steel that are to be our home for so many days. ”

“ She had worked a bluff at Port Arthur, so why not work another for Manchuria? Japan was foxy and saw how it would come out if she didn’t step in and register a kick. So she demands that Russia move out and Russia says ‘Certainly,’ but when moving day came, Russia couldn’t find the moving man. Instead of that, she moved a few thousand soldiers in and hung up a sign, ‘We are here to stay.’ Then Japan began to oil up her musket. ‘If Russia is allowed to do as she pleases out here, she will soon have Japan in the corner pocket,’ she says, ‘and Japan wants at least a little room to roll around in. ”

“ I think organized labor is a serious menace to the welfare of our institutions; and I further think that any man who belongs to a Union should be treated as a criminal. There is no good in Unions. Every man who belongs to one is worse than an anarchist. ”

“ Smiley Greene, our popular undertaker, who is doing Europe with a party of travelers from this city.
J. Oscar Fisher, Editor.
Paris, August. In Paris, France, at last! France, the gay, the light-hearted; France, the country with a history! Every wall has its tale of war and revolution and death. Placards reading “Defense d’Afficher” mark where notable defenses, back in some dark days of the past, have been made by gallant sons of Gaul. Captain Fry says Gaul is divided into three parts, not counting Gus Figgey. Gus says some one ought to consolidate them into a union. ”

“ Smiley Greene has spent most of his time in the Catacombs and J. Milton Brown and Lucile have reveled in art. The party is all split up. They refused to go out to the Race Track with me, and I have had a hard time entertaining them. Yesterday we all went in a bunch to see St. Peter’s. Say, there’s a building for you. Ernest Pratt says it’s the greatest building in the world, and he’s been in Europe before. ”

“ When I got the crowd in front of the church, I had ’em stand all in a row while I went on in front to give ’em an idea of how big the building really is. You can’t realize its size until you compare it with a man standing at the door. They were much surprised to see how small I looked.
To-morrow we sail from Naples for New York, and before many days you will see us drifting into Bird Center, all sound and well. Riley Peters and Myrtle Prute are engaged. Venice and the moon did it. Riley’s hot stuff, all right.
Mr. Gus Figgey.
BIRD CENTER AT ROME ”

“ I—CAN GOV. YATES GET BACK IN TIME TO HEAD OFF THE DENEEN BOOM? Being the Adventures of our Governor, Who, While Traveling in Foreign Lands heard of the Remarkable Growth of Deneen’s Boom for Governor. He Resolved at Once to Fly to the Rescue, and, With His Gallant Staff of Colonels, He Boldly Set Forth on the Long and Perilous Ride
In the midst of pleasant sightseeing in Europe a cablegram arrives. ”

“ At an early hour this morning the Baltic fleet was seen steaming swiftly past this point. Soon afterwards a furious bombardment occurred and continued until the body of an electric eel was washed ashore much mangled by the deadly cannonading. It is thought the admiral of the fleet mistook the eel for a Japanese submarine boat. ”

“ After having exhausted these points of interest, you will find it enjoyable to continue the cruise to Sweden and Norway, and, if your time permits, a still further cruise among the beautiful fjords of New Zealand will be found extremely delightful. The weather is now perfect in New Zealand, and if you have a camera you can get some most excellent pictures. For a trip such as this one should secure a steam-yacht of perhaps 2,500 tons, with a crew of thirty men. A white yacht is preferable, white being cooler than black. ”

“ Mr. Figgey directed the excursion and after a while took charge of the oar or paddle (I don’t know what the real name is) and gave the gondolier some lessons in the work. Smiley Greene sang some rollicking hymns, and then we all clamored for Orville Peters and Wilbur Fry to play on their mandolins. They had carried their instruments all the way from Bird Center and had counted the seconds to the present moment. But scarcely had they begun to play before some men came and said it was not permitted for outsiders to play on the canals. Only those belonging to the Gondoliers’ Union could play. ”

“ While in Switzerland you should not fail to visit the tomb of William Tell, who is dead at present. Here a short stop may be made for luncheon, photographs, etc. In this little side trip you will have delightful weather, according to recent unconfirmed rumors from Chefoo.
Having toured Switzerland, it would be pleasant to have a yacht meet you some place nearby and make the homeward journey in this way rather than by the Atlantic liners. There are so many vulgar tourists on the regular steamships during the summer. ”

“ Luncheon may be secured at convenient cabarets along the way, and by speaking to the chauffeur stops may be made from time to time to allow you to make photographs of choice bits in the landscape. Arriving in Switzerland, you should retire early in order to be up for the sunrise, which, in those latitudes is much earlier than in America on account of the difference in time. ”

“ If I am elected my first official act shall be to have every man who belongs to a labor union expelled from the country or de-naturalized. Furthermore, I think that men who work for a living have no license to live anyway. ”

“ Illustrating that no Matter How Much You Have, You Want Something that Somebody Else Has
Sam Alexander—“By jing, if I was fixed as well as Curt Hawkins, I’d be just about satisfied; 240 acres of good land, all tiled and unencumbered, a hundred head of cattle, a likely bunch of shoats, money in the bank, to say nothing of as nice a wife as ever put on a wedding-ring.” ”

“ J. Milton Brown, the wife of J. Milton Brown, the well-known artist of the Bird Center Tintype Studios.
J. Oscar Fisher, Editor.
Venice The Enchanting, Aug. — At last we are in the well-known city of Venice, Italy, about which our fancies have from time immemorial woven the most bewitching dreams. It is hard to realize that we are really here. We instantly exclaim, “Can it really be true that we are in Venice, and not merely dreaming.” Mr. Figgey—he’s so funny—says that we’ll not think we’re dreaming when we get our hotel bill. Mr. ”

“ Scadsworth, is lots of outdoor exercise—horseback riding, walking, mountain air.”
Mrs. Scadsworth arrives at the mountain resort and takes some exercise between the breakfast room and the card room.
Where she and her friends start a game of Bridge.
Which continues without interruption during her stay in the mountains.
THE LATEST INNOVATION IN NEW YORK
Professor—“Is there any solitude in the world greater than that of a stranger in a great city?”
“Well, surely, a man need not be lonely with an institution like that close at hand.” ”

“ Bunker H. Breckenridge, who is spending the summer at his home in this city, reports having seen the Vladivostok squadron lying off the Kentucky shore of the Ohio yesterday afternoon. The colonel doesn’t remember the number of ships but says the number corresponded with that of the Russian fleet. The report can be easily verified, says the colonel, by his grandson who also witnessed the squadron. Great excitement prevails and the matter is the topic of general conversation. The sheriff is organizing a posse of colonels to guard the city in case local shipping is threatened. ”

“ My back aches, I fainted from over-exhaustion yesterday, and the only food I can eat is pre-digested milk. Please have Murphy, the foreman of the mine, discharge the laborers who are agitating for higher wages. We are now paying them 80 cents a day and what can these ignorant German and Irish laborers expect? ”

“ At the first stop he purchased oranges for the crowd, and later in the day entertained them with personal anecdotes of travel. At the second stop Mr. Figgey addressed the town from the rear platform, and received a rousing round of cheers. Last evening he entertained ye Editor at supper in the dining-car. It has been a beautiful trip. ”

“ It is said that many well-known Frenchmen and French women sleep their last sleep out there, so we have cautioned Gus Figgey to put on the soft pedal for a short spell. Ernest Pratt says Abelard and Hèloise lie there, but whether they are two people or a firm I cannot state. Visited the Louvre yesterday and saw the Venus of Milo, which greatly shocked Elmer Pratt. ”

“ Here one may rent a beautiful estate, abundantly stocked with game—croquet, golf, bridge, etc.,—and with plenty of good riding-horses, and at least one mail coach for coaching parties, the hours may be most delightfully beguiled. ”

“ If you do not mind the additional expense, a cow should be taken, thus insuring fresh milk during the voyage. As for equipment, you should take heavy and light clothes, a pair of deck shoes, a mackintosh, and a pair of smoked glasses to protect your eyes while going through the Suez Canal. ”