Laurence Sterne

“ Trim, says one, are you not ashamed of yourself, to make all this Rout and Disturbance in the Town, and set Neighbours together by the Ears, about an old-worn-out-Pair-of-cast-Breeches, not worth Half a Crown?—Is there a cast-Coat, or a Place in the whole Town, that will bring you in a Shilling, but what you have snapp’d up, like a greedy Hound as you are? ”

“ This is all, I think, in your Reply, which concerns me to answer:—As for the many coarse and unchristian Insinuations scatter'd throughout your Reply,—as it is my Duty to beg God to forgive you, so I do from my Heart: Believe me, Dr. Topham, they hurt yourself more than the Person they are aimed at; and when the first Transport of Rage is a little over, they will grieve you more too. ”

“ He blacks the parson's shoes, greases his boots, runs to the town for eggs, catches his horse and rubs him down; and on one occasion, when the parson cuts his finger in paring an apple, goes half a mile to inquire of an old woman what is good to staunch blood, and returns with a cobweb in his breeches' pocket. All these incidents are a burlesque of Dr. Topham's endless visits to Bishopthorpe immediately after the new Archbishop had settled at the palace. ”

“ However, I think the more positively any Charge is made, let it be against whom it will, the better it should be supported; and therefore I should be sorry, for your own Honour, if you have not some better Grounds for all you have thrown out about them, than the mere Heat of your Imagination or Anger. To tell you truly, your Suppositions on this Head oft put me in Mind of Trim’s twelve Men in Buckram, which his disordered Fancy represented as laying in Ambush in John the Clerk’s House, and letting drive at him all together. ”

“ I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, and who, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of the Political, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street;—I protest, says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is,—That the whole makes a very fine Symbol.—You have always some Musical Instrument or other in your Head, I think, says the Al­derman.—Musical Instrument! ”

“ That the question of the appointment, which threatened to divide the Church of York, might be settled peaceably, the Dean, Dr. Topham, and several others were summoned by the Archbishop to meet at Bishopthorpe on November 7, 1758, for a general conference. The two chief dignitaries, who had been misrepresented, each to each, by the intriguing lawyer, found themselves agreeably of one opinion: that it was inadvisable, notwithstanding ancient precedent, to grant the valuable patent for more than one life. ”

“ I know you will tell me, That it is set too high; and as a Proof, you will say, That this last Reply to the Dean's Answer does consist of near as many Pages as mine; and yet is all sold for Six-pence.—But mine, my dear Friend, is quite a different Story:—It is a Web wrought out of my own Brain, of twice the Fineness of this which he has spun out of his; and besides, I maintain it, it is of a more curious Pattern, and could not be afforded at the Price that his is sold at, by any honest Workman in Great-Britain. ”

“ For when he was driven out of the Great Watch-Coat,—you see, he did not run away;—no, —he retreated behind the Breeches;—and, when he could make nothing of it behind the Breeches,—he got behind the Reading-Desk.—To what other Hold Trim will next retreat, the Politicians of this Village are not agreed.—Some think his next Move will be towards the Rear of the Parson’s Boot;—but, as it is thought he cannot make a long Stand there,—others are of Opinion, That Trim will once more in his Life get hold of the Parson’s Horse, and charge upon him, or perhaps behind him. ”

“ As for the rest of the Romance, continu­ed the President, it sufficiently explains it­self,—The Old-cast-Pair-of-Black-Plush-Breeches must be Saxony, which the Elec­tor, you see, has left off wearing:—And as for the Great Watch-Coat, which, you know, covers all, it signifies all Europe; comprehending, at least, so many of its different States and Dominions, as we have any Concern with in the present War. ”

“ To this, the Parson’s Reply was short, but strong, “That nothing was in his Power to do, but what he could do honestly:—That in giving the Coat to him and his Wife, he should do a manifest Wrong to the next Sexton; the great Watch-Coat being the most comfortable Part of the Place:—That he should, moreover, injure the Right of his own Successor, who would be just so much a worse Patron, as the Worth of the Coat amounted to;—and, in a Word, he declared, that his whole intent in promising that Coat, was Charity to Trim; but Wrong to no Man ”

“ A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak at all in the Debate,—was at last drawn into it, by something very unexpected in the last Person’s Argument.
He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand what Ichnography meant:—But as for the Shape of a Pair of Breeches, as he had had the Advantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, he hoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man. ”

“ Neighbours and Townsmen all, I will be sworn before my Lord Mayor, That John and his nineteen Men in Buckram, have abused me worse than a Dog; for they told you that I play'd fast and go-loose with the late Parson and him, in that old Dispute of theirs about the Reading-Desk ”

“ To Dr. TOPHAM. SIR,
Though the Reply to the Dean of York is not declared, in the Title-Page, or elsewhere, to be wrote by you,—Yet I take that Point for granted; and therefore beg Leave, in this public Manner, to write to you in Behalf of myself; with Intent to set you right in two Points where I stand concerned in this Affair; and which I find you have misapprehended, and consequently (as I hope) misrepresented. ”

“ He was an amiable gentleman, most friendly towards Sterne, but without the strong hand necessary to check intrigues. Physical infirmities coming upon him, he rarely left his palace at Bishopthorpe, two miles south of York. With the Dean—Dr. John Fountayne—Sterne had been acquainted since their college days together at Cambridge. They were fast friends. The Dean spent much of his time at Melton Manor, the family seat in South Yorkshire, and so could not always know, any more than the Archbishop, what occurred at York. ”

“ Be it known then, that, about ten Years ago, when John was appointed Parish-Clerk of this Church, this said Master Trim took no small Pains to get into John’s good Graces in order, as it afterwards appeared, to coax a Promise out of him of a Pair of Breeches, which John had then by him, of black Plush, not much the worse for wearing;—Trim only begging for God’s Sake to have them bestowed upon him when John should think fit to cast them. ”

“ But as the Horse is not easy to be caught, the more general Opinion is, That, when he is driven out of the Reading-Desk, he will make his last Retreat in such a Manner as, if possible, to gain the Close-Stool, and defend himself behind it to the very last Drop. ”

“ This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether slighted; and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem’d to be the prodigious Heat of it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire, observ’d, in a very low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much incorporated into every Particle of it, that it was impossible, under such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect. ”

“ Topham decided to appeal to the public against the Dean, whom he charged with working upon the sick man at Bishopthorpe. So, during the second week in December, was launched his anonymous pamphlet entitled A Letter address'd to the Reverend the Dean of York; In which is given A full Detail of some very extraordinary Behaviour of his, in relation to his Denial of a Promise made by him to Dr. Topham. Though the sixpenny pamphlet set out to deal principally with the commissaryship that fell to Sterne, it nevertheless touched upon all the quarrels of a dozen years. ”

“ Scarce were the Words out of his Mouth, when in pops Trim with the whole Subject of the Exclamation under both his Arms.—I say, under both his Arms;—for he had actually got it ripp’d and cut out ready, his own Jerkin under one Arm, and the Petticoat under the other, in order to be carried to the Taylor to be made up,—and had just stepp’d in, in high Spirits, to shew the Parson how cleverly it had held out. ”

“ The recovery of this satirical performance from oblivion, as worthy of so masterly a pen, will, it is hoped, be a sufficient excuse, with all lovers of literary merit, for thus bringing it to public view. ”

“ Murdoch's edition, several times reprinted by other booksellers, was afterwards incorporated in the humorist's collected works of 1780, with a new title: The History of a Good Warm Watch-Coat . . . A Political Romance. All subsequent editors have taken the text as they found it here, and have interpreted Murdoch's remark that the pamphlet was suppressed to mean that it was not published during the author's lifetime. It was laid by, even the biographers have declared, in Sterne's desk, and at most circulated only in manuscript. ”

“ Who do you think, Mr. President, says he, are meant by the Church-Wardens, Sides-Men, Mark Slender, Lorry Slim, &c.—Who do I think? says he, Why,—Why, Sir, as I take the Thing,—the Church-Wardens and Sides-Men, are the Electors and the other Princes who form the Germanick Body.—And as for the other subordinate Characters of Mark Slim?—the unlucky Wight in the Plush Breeches,—the Parson’s Man who was so often out of the Way, &c. ”

“ In the next Place, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, a Key to the Romance.—In troth you might have said a whole Bunch of Keys, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had not said something in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President, says he, That the Right Key, if it could but be found, would be worth the whole Bunch put together. ”

“ Sterne with an undeniable Proof, That he, (Dr. Topham) did propagate the said Story, (viz: of a Promise from the Dean to Dr. Topham of the Dean and Chapter's Commissaryship) —Dr. Topham did at last acknowledge it; adding, as his Reason or Excuse for so doing, That he apprehended (or Words to that Effect) he had a Promise under the Dean's own Hand, of the Dean and Chapter's Commissaryship. ”

“ This Gentleman had not yet opened his Mouth, but had waited patiently till they had all gone thro' their several Evidences on the other Side;—reserving him­self, like an Expert Practitioner, for the last Word in the Debate. When the Partition-Treaty-Gentleman had finish'd what he had to say,—He got up,—and, advancing towards the Table, told them, That the Error they had all gone upon thus far, in making out the several Facts in the Romance,—was in looking too high ”

“ It was that false Step, and that only, says he, rising from his Chair, and striking his Hand upon the Table with great Violence; it was that false Step, says he, knitting his Brows and throwing his Pipe down upon the Ground, that has laid the Foundation of all the Disturbances and Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour ”

“ Berdmore and myself.—Namely, to the best of our Remembrance and Belief, which Words you have caught hold of, as implying some Abatement of our Certainty as to the Facts therein attested. Whether it was so with the other two Gentlemen who signed that Attestation with me, it is not for me to say; they are able to answer for themselves, and I desire to do so for myself ”

“ In the second Place you affirm, “That it is not said that Mr. Sterne could affirm he had heard you charge the Dean with a Promise, in its own Nature so very extraordinary, as of the Commissaryship of the Dean and Chapter”:—To this I answer, That my true Intent in subscribing that very instrument, and I suppose of others, was to attest this very Thing ”

“ Whether after this Trim intends to rally a second Time,—or whether Trim may not take it into his Head to claim the Vic­tory,—no one but Trim himself can inform you:—However, the general Opi­nion, upon the whole, is this,—That, in three several pitch'd Battles, Trim has been so trimm'd, as never disastrous Hero was trimm'd before him. ”

“ Dr. Topham made a grasp for that office, but missed. The place was given to William Stables, another ecclesiastical lawyer. Thereupon Dr. Topham made a grasp for the Commissaryship of the Peculiar Court of Pickering and Pocklington, which had likewise become vacant by the death of Dr. Mark Braithwaite. This office, valued at six pounds a year, he missed also; the Dean generously presented it to his friend Laurence Sterne. Over these appointments Dr. Topham raised a loud clamor. ”