Mark Twain

“ Bless you, Mars Tom, dey don't know nothin'."
Tom he lost his temper; I notice a person 'most always does that's got laid out in an argument. He told us to shut up and don't stir the slush in our skulls anymore—hold still and let it cake, and maybe we'd feel better. Then he see a town clock away off down yonder, and he took up the glass and looked at it, and then looked at his silver turnip, and then at the clock, and then at the turnip again, and says:
"That's funny! That clock's near about an hour fast." ”

“ Jim studied a minute, and says:
"Well, dat do beat me. I wouldn't 'a' tuck no sich resk. But some people ain't scared o' nothin'. Dey bangs right ahead; dey don't care what happens. So den dey's allays an hour's diffunce everywhah, Mars Tom?"
"An hour? No! It's four minutes' difference for every degree of longitude, you know. Fifteen of 'em's an hour, thirty of 'em's two hours, and so on. When it's one clock Tuesday morning in England, it's eight o'clock the night before in New York." ”

“ But Tom he was huffy, and said me and Jim was a couple of ignorant blatherskites, and then he says:
"Suppose there's a brown calf and a big brown dog, and an artist is making a picture of them. What is the main thing that that artist has got to do? ”