Michael Arlen

“ My son, Michael Wagstaffe, has them now—thanks to you two idiots!”
We had heard of Michael Wagstaffe—bankrupt twice, a well-known war correspondent, and a V. C. What can you do with a man like that?
Tarlyon had an idea, which took him to the window; I had the same idea, and followed him. We looked down upon the face of Brook Street, and behold! it was empty. Never was a Rolls-Royce car with lamps alight so invisible. ”

“ You really must excuse me now, gentlemen.”
“But hold on!” cried Tarlyon. “Why kill the wretched man at all? Why not rescue your sister with the charming name and let him go on being a pasha until he dies a horrible death by reason of those bestial fancies which you mentioned? He won't dare come after her—and I don't see much point in getting your sister back if you have got to swing for it more or less at once. Eh, Ralph?”
“QUITE right,” said 1. “Let's drink it over.”
“This is no time for drink,” snapped the Armenian. ”

“ Cars have an irresistible fascination for Michael. I am sorry. Was it a good car?”
Tarlyon's answer left no room for doubt.
“Pity,” said Mr. Wagstaffe. “A great pity. He may, of course, return it. He may. Yon cannot, of course, compel him to, for it would be difficult for you, in your position, to put the police on him. But he may return it on his own. Michael is not a bad boy really. He will, I am sure, communicate with me as to what I will offer for the return of my coins. ”

“ He calls himself the cavalier of the streets, but when he is up to any of his tricks he disguises himself as an Armenian—the disguise consisting merely of his saying he is an Armenian. It's so simple, he says, for the mugs believe him at once, on the ground that no one would say he was an Armenian if he wasn't. ”

“ We pelted out that if his son really had been an Armenian and if he had really been Achmed Jzzit Pasha we had undoubtedly saved his life. I couldn't help thinking that he ought to be grateful to us, but I didn't say that.
He seemed to find a little solace in our discomfiture.
“Ah, he's a clever boy, Michael,” sighed Mr. Wagstaffe. “He is always on the lookout for what he calls the mugs. I gather that you two gentlemen are mugs—the same, perhaps, as what are known in America as guys. But I, his hither, can assure you that he is not an Armenian ”

“ Naturally, he will expect your check to approximate to the value of your car—say, half its value. Michael is something of an expert about the value of cars. That's why I said it was a pity, sir, a pity that your car was not a cheap car. But I am sure you will have no difficulty in finding a taxicab home. They are so abundant in Grosvenor Square that my sleep is often disturbed by them.”
The rest of the story is not at all interesting. George Tarlyon's car was finally returned, and George Tarlyon is sorry that Mr. Michael Wagstaffe's nose is already broken. ”

“ For it was a very warm night, and running after motor-cars must have been a wet business.
“We'll see,” said Tarlyon. We retraced our steps up Brook Street, and passed the house into which the occupant of the car had disappeared. It was a house like an other, dark and silent; and as it stood almost at the comer, we went round the corner into Grosvenor Square; at least we were rounding the comer when a young man in a great hurry collided with us. ”

“ Not that I wanted to be—but one says those things, and one always says them firmly.
“Perhaps that would be better,” said the Armenian. “It will certainly take the two of you to keep Achmed Jzzit quiet while I break in the first locked door I see and get Anais. And a Rolls-Royce car is even more impressive empty than when some one is in it—people make it seem possible.”
Thus and thus, we got the car and drove bravely to the house. We passed two policemen at the comer of Davies Street, but they were not interested in us. ”

“ Ritz's hotel in Piccadilly where, perhaps, with your influence, we may get my sister a lodging for the night. But, remember, keep a tight hold on Achmed Jzzit until I blow the horn—muffle him straightway and let him not open his mouth, else he will bring the whole neighborhood down on us. ”