Michael Arlen

“ As to the bald baby, he now has some hair of that neutral color which parents call golden, and four teeth, and is learning to scream beautifully. His parents show off his scream with pride. They think he is marvelous. Maybe he is. Maybe all babies are. But it is certain that all women are, by reason of what they put up with from men in one way and another. That is what George Tarlyon says, and if he does not speak on the matter with authority, then this is not a true story and might just as well not have been written, which is absurd. ”

“ BUT Hugo need have had no fear, for never was a sick man quieter than Lord Tarlyon, the way he lay with closed eyes among the damp, dark clouds of fever, the way he would smile now and then as if at a joke some one was whispering to him from a far distance. Indeed the nurse said to the doctor: “I never saw a man appear to enjoy pneumonia so. ”

“ Hugo had managed to sneak into the room again, and when Tarlyon opened his eyes, he looked at Hugo beseechingly for news—whereupon the wretched man at once kissed him. But Tarlyon must have looked so furious, even with Shirley’s pretty face, that the fat nurse at once stopped Hugo from clinching; and when Tarlyon again looked beseechingly toward the wall of the room in which he had had pneumonia, Hugo nodded his head cheerfully and said: “Yes, he’s dead; poor old George! Doctor said he would have lived if he hadn’t been such a hard drinker. Poor old George! ”

“ Nor was the chemist’s prophecy in vain, for My Lord—this story is about a lord—had not been powdering and spraying for long when behold, a multitude of worms arose and passed away peacefully! Indeed, so great was the massacre that a Turkish gentleman who was passing by stood at attention during a five minutes’ silence—but that is quite by the way and has nothing to do with George Tarlyon’s pain, which was growing more offensive with every moment. ”

“ Weak as he is, it is imperative that we operate at once.”
Now Tarlyon recognized the shadow that had spoken for Ian Black, the great surgeon, and a great friend of his since the distant days when he had operated on Tarlyon’s unhappy dead wife Virginia, she who had lived for pleasure and found pain. And Tarlyon spoke out in a dim voice and said:
“Ian Black, much as I like having you about, you must not operate on me for appendicitis in this house. Remember, I am staying with Hugo, and I came to stay with him on the distinct understanding that I was to have only pneumonia. ”

“ The word “profession” in connection with Major Cypress doubtless needs some explanation. Hugo’s profession was the most ancient in the world bar none, that of an inheritor: he was waiting for his father to die.
All doctors are agreed that waiting has a lowering effect on the mind; but this morning Major Cypress looked even more depressed than usual. ”

“ THE rest of this story is not very interesting, and nothing more need be said but that George Tarlyon nowadays never kisses a woman without first making certain that she wants to be kissed, which is quite a new departure in the relations between men and women, and one to be encouraged as leading to a better understanding and less waste of temper between the sexes. ”

“ Shirley was a darling, and Hugo had no money above that which he earned, which was nothing; wherefore they lived in a garage in the Mews behind Berkeley Square, had breakfast late, went out for dinner and on to supper. The garage, however, was delightful. Shirley herself had supervised the builders, decorators and plumbers; and by the time rooms had been added, kitchens hollowed out, bathrooms punched in—by the time, in fact, the garage had been converted into a house, it had cost Hugo more borrow2d money than the lease of a mansion in Berkeley Square. Poor Hugo! ”

“ Mr. Hem was a small man with a round face who was a tie-specialist, and Mr. Haw was a small man with a long face who was a shirt-specialist; both were accomplished students of gents’ lingerie in every branch and could, moreover, build a white waistcoat about a waist in a way that was a wonder to behold. By Royal Appointment, and rightly!
“My Lord,” said Mr. Hem, stepping forward two paces and standing smartly at ease, “what can we do for you this morning? These new ties have just come in. They are charming.” ”

“ I merely want some pneumonia pajamas.”
“In crêpe-de-chine, My Lord?”
“Your innuendoes are amazing, Mr. Haw. I am not that kind of man. A homely quality of antiseptic silk will do very well, I think. Yes, I will have a dozen in black silk.”
“I say, George,” said Hugo, “black is very lowering. Make it white, Mr. Haw. They revert to me, you see.”
“Black, Mr. Haw. I fight death with his own weapons. Send the pajamas at once, and put them down to my account.”
“Certainly, My Lord. You will have them at once.”
“Mr. Hem,” said Lord Tarlyon, “and you, Mr. ”