“ The whirlwind is a robust person of forty, he has a large round red face fringed with sandy whiskers, and is one mass of health and happiness. He wears Norfolk jacket, knickerbockers, gaiters and thick boots, and carries a golfing bag. He slaps Ralph heartily on the back, and laughs boisterously. Ralph collapses.
Tom (heartily) . How are you? Going strong—what? Asked the wife for you, and she told me you were in here writing a play. ”

“ OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR
Scene—Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown, Jones, and Robinson.
Brown. Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. Yes; I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too soon after dinner for anything stronger.
Jones. Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst for what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer.
Robinson. Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the Americans are very fond of that. ”

“ DRAMATIC NOTES OF THE FUTURE
[A little cheild is the hero of Everybody's Secret; the curtain rises upon four little cheildren in Her Own Way; there are cheildren of various ages in Alice-Sit-by-the-fire.]
Mr. Barrie's new play, The Admirable Crèche, will be presented to-morrow. We understand that there is a pretty scene in the third act in which several grown-ups are discovered smoking cigars. It may confidently be predicted that all the world will rush to the "Duke of York's" to see this novelty. ”

“ Of the Essence of Drama.—It is not strictly necessary that you should know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk, and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice, or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.
Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing.—Owing to the competition nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as practically amalgamated. ”

“ Little Baby Wilkins is making quite a name with her wonderful rendering of "Perdita" in the Haymarket version of A Winter's Tale. As soon as actor-manager Wilkins realised the necessity of cutting the last two acts (in which "Perdita" is grown up) the play was bound to succeed. ”

“ The Drama.
Æsthetic Critic (at the club, after the theatre) . "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the dénoûment in Romeo and Juliet? Two lovers, both dying in the same vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could——"
Cynical Old Bachelor (who has evidently never read the play) . "Um—'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"
[Pg 154]
Distinguished Amateur (about to make his first appearance in public at a concert for the people) . "Oh, I do feel so nervous!" Sympathetic Friend. "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They applaud anything!" ”

“ BEFORE THE CURTAIN
Most of the Punch artists of note have used their pencils on the theatre; with theatricals public and private none has done more than Du Maurier. All have made merry over the extravagances of melodrama and "problem" plays ”

“ Doctor. "No, my dear sir, we must keep ourselves quiet for the present. No stimulants—nothing more exciting than gruel. Gruel for breakfast, gruel for luncheon, gruel for dinner, gruel for——" Peter Pundoleful (a noted burlesque writer—though you wouldn't have thought it to look at him—rousing himself suddenly) . "Ah! my dear doctor, why is there not a society for the prevention of gruelty to animals?"
[Pg 136]
HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY
Ralph Essendean, aged about fifty, is discovered at a writing-desk. ”

“ Punch genially satirises the aristocratic amateurs who, some few years ago, made frantic rushes into the profession, and for a while enjoyed [Pg 6] more kudos as actors than they had obtained as titled members of the upper circle, and the exaggerated social status that for the time accrued to the professional actor as a consequence of this invasion. ”

“ Takes a cigar from the mantelpiece, lights it, and, seating himself near the fire, smokes thoughtfully. Gradually his head sinks back on to the top of the chair, the cigar drops from his relaxed fingers, and as he sleeps, the shadow of a smile breaks across his face. An hour elapses; he is still sleeping. Enter Mrs. Essendean, who brushes against the writing-table and sweeps the sheets of manuscript to the ground.
Mrs. Essendean (crossing to Ralph and lightly shaking him) . My dear, my dear, not dressed yet! ”

“ I play Hamlet!"
[Pg 14]
To Actors who are not worth a Thought.—We notice that there is a book called "Acting and Thinking." This is to distinguish it, we imagine, from the generality of acting, in which there is mostly no thinking?
A Crusher.—Country Manager (to Mr. Agrippa Snap, the great London critic, who has come down to see the production of a piece on trial.) And what do you think, sir, of our theatre and our players?
Agrippa Snap (loftily) . Well, frankly, Mr. Flatson, your green-room's better than your company.
The higher walk of the drama
[Pg 15]
"Auntie, can you do that?" ”

“ Jennings provides the inimitable broad humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is the shorter of the two.)
[Pg 70]
WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS
(From the Common-place Book of a Novelist)
Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on the stage.
Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than actor-managers.
Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place—except in novels.
Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only three years to compose a novel? ”

“ That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see why they don't catch her.
That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown.
That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts, butter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the whole is lucky to escape hanging.
That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked head-over-heels.
[Pg 103]
THE NEW PLAY
Low Comedian. "Have you seen the notice?"
Tragedian. "No; is it a good one?" ”

“ From our General Theatrical Fund.—Why would a good-natured dramatic critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes to pieces easily.
MEM. BY A MANAGER
To say "boo" to a goose requires some doing.
In theatres 'tis the goose who does the "booing,"
And though a man may do the best he can, sir,
Anser will hiss, though hissing may not answer!
REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE
"A Poor player,
Who struts and frets his hour on the stage,
And then—goes in society." ”

“ Shakspeare.
When are parsons bound in honour not to abuse theatres?
When they take orders.
What Vote the Manager of a Theatre always has.—The "casting" vote.
"Stand not on the Order of your Going."—An amiable manager says the orders which he issues for the pit and gallery are what in his opinion constitute "the lower orders."
Great Theatrical Effect.—During a performance of Macbeth at the Haymarket, the thunder was so natural that it turned sour a pint of beer in the prompter's-box. ”

“ Another mixture, very popular with serious people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning ”

“ That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a distressingly long time.
That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their tongues, than clothes to their backs. ”

“ First Quidnunc. "My dear sir, doesn't Hamlet, when he handles Yorick's skull, address Horatio, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"
[Pg 96]
A Disenchantment
Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country) . "Dear me! He's a very different-looking person from what I had always imagined!"
[Pg 97]
"JUST HINT A FAULT"
Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera
Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate) . "Tom, dear, don't you think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people behind, you know?" ”

“ Grandpapa. "What? Bob in love with Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" Bob (firing up) . "Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had better not be said in my presence, that's all!" Grandpapa. "I say a word against her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over ears in love with her myself—when I was your age!"
[Pg 109]
The Problem Play.
New Woman (with the hat) . "No! My principle is simply this—if there's a demand for these plays, it must be supplied!" Woman not New (with the bonnet) . "Precisely! ”

“ Crouper that men of their [Pg 26] age would be unlikely to have milk for lunch; and that they would not say "Yeth, pleath"—unless of Hebraic origin, and Mr. Crouper does not say so anywhere. Mr. Crouper must try and see something of grown-ups before he writes a play of this kind again.
We regret to announce that Cecil Tomkins, doyen of actor-managers, is down again with mumps.
[Pg 23]
MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART. A MUSICAL COMEDY
[Pg 25]
AT THE PREMIÈRE
Lady in Front Row (to her neighbour, towards the end of the second act) . "Who is this man next me, who's just come in,—do you know? ”

“ Small Boy (persistently) . "But wha's the other light, sir?"
Peep-Showman (losing patience) . "Tell yer there ain't no"—— (takes a look—in consternation) —"Blowed if the darned old show ain't a-fire!!"
[Pg 126]
EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT
["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."—The Outlook.]
Scene—Nowhere in particular.
Characters.
He, a nonentity.
She, another.
He. Dear——!
She (wearily) . Oh please don't. ”

“ Author. "What is the audience shouting for?"
Manager. "They're calling for the author."
Author. "Then hadn't I better appear?"
Manager. "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"
[Pg 94]
"Men Were Deceivers Ever"
First Counter Tenor. "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at our entrance."
Second Counter Tenor. "Oh, then, let's go out at the bass door!"
[Pg 95]
The Commentators.
First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy) . "I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've made a discovery—that Horatio was Hamlet's father!" Second Quidnunc (enchanted) . ”

“ Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!
[At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol.
Brown. Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like The Bells, you require supporting.
[Curtain and moral.
[Pg 161]
Manager of "Freak" Show. "Have I got a vacancy for a giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"
Candidate. "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"
[Pg 163]
An Irresistible Appeal.
Mrs. Blokey (who has called with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor and manager) . ”

“ Stage Manager (icily) . "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"
[Pg 120]
An Unkind Cut.
Amateur. "It was very kind of you to come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my Hamlet? Pretty good?" Professional (feigning ecstasy) . "Oh, my dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,—really I assure you, good's not the word!"
[Pg 121]
First Critic. ”

“ After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect, no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes in recitation.
Of the Censorship.—This need not be feared unless you are unduly serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in problems. ”

“ Her First Play.
Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a great treat, to a morning performance) . "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!"
Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage) . "But, mummy,—they're talking!"
[Pg 72]
Q. When are the affairs of a theatre likely to assume a somewhat fishy aspect? A. When there's a sole lessee.
Evangeline. Why is this called the dress circle, mamma?
Mamma. Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear.
A Form of Equestrian Drama.—Horseplay. ”

“ THE BILL OF THE PLAY
[Pg 27]
Amenities of the Profession.
Rising Young Dramatist. "Saw your wife in front last night. What did she think of my new comedy?"
Brother Playwright. "Oh, I think she liked it. She told me she had a good laugh."
R. Y. D. "Ah—er—when was that?"
B. P. "During the entr'acte. One of the attendants dropped an ice down her neighbour's neck."
[Pg 28]
THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN
Dora (consulting a playbill) . "Only fancy! 'As You Like It' is by Shakspeare!"
[Pg 29]
Private Theatricals. ”

“ I hope I know my place.
[She does nothing.
He (politely) . I don't know if you're keen about stopping here? If not, we might——
She. We must wait till somebody else comes on.
He. True. (Reflects deeply.) Er—do you mote much?
[She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually.
[Pg 127]
HOW HE OUGHT NOT TO LOOK
Excited Prompter (to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume) . "Now then, Walker, LOOK ALIVE!"
[Pg 129]
PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.—"MACBETH"
"Infirm of purpose! ”

“ Corydon (the playwright) . Because they always stifle the author.
[Smiles no more during the evening.
The Mummer's Bête-noire.--"Benefits forgot."
[Pg 66]
MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES
Sangazur, Senior. "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about your wanting to marry an actress?"
Sangazur, Junior. "It's quite true, sir. But—er—you can have no conception how very poorly she acts!"
[Pg 67]
A Studied Insult.
Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse Show) . "Box or two stalls, sir?" Murphy. "What the dev'l d'ye mane? ”