“ A party, whose transactions are known to be large, succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take advantage.
A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do with it, it blew over.
The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated [Pg 98] at being asked to take their dividends in butter ”

“ Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which, when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average. ”

“ Punch has at one time or another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the 'buses and the cabs ”

“ A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse. ”

“ Betting Man (to his Partner) . "Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now, a man must draw the line somewhere; and if that kind of thing goes on, you and me will 'ave to part company!" ”

“ At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to his position.
Pigs went on much at the old rates ”

“ The Metropolis in the Morte Saison
8 a.m.—Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back of the first policeman you meet.
9 a.m.—Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.
10 a.m.—To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman. ”

“ Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity) . "Pleashm'n, where'sh M'sht'r Brown live?"
Constable (recognising him) . "Why, dear me, sir, you are Mr. Brown!"
Mr. B. "Aw right! Bu'—where do I live?"!
[Pg 84]
Cheap Jack.
"I will make a present of this genooine gold watch—none of your carrots—to henny lady or gentleman for fifteen shillings an' sixpence. Why am I doin' this? To hencourage trade, that is why I am givin' it away for fourteen shillings an' sixpence. Look at it for yourselves, for fourteen shillings! If yer don't believe it's gold, jump on it?" ”

“ A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.
Motto for a Self-made and Successful Money-lender.—"A loan I did it!"
Improper Expression.—Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for joy, "his delight knows no bounds."
The opposite to a tea-fight—A coffee-mill.
[Pg 151]
THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED
Street Urchin. "Now then, old 'un——Fore!"
[Pg 152]
Crossing-Sweeper (to Brown, whose greatest pride is his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c.) . "'Igh! Stop! You've lost somethin'—the coachman!"
[Pg 153]
Irate Bus Driver. ”

“ A Corrector of the Press.—A policeman at a crowded crossing.
Never on its Legs.—The most constant faller in the metropolis: the Strand, because it is always being picked up.
The Markets.—There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all the pockets they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn, and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the market, by means of tin tubes ”

“ Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in, say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools, &c.
Man with tools. "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"
Man on steps. "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."
Man with tools. "'Ow's that?"
Man on steps. "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took the place in part payment for the job." ”

“ Emily Jane. "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more 'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"
[Pg 96]
THE MONEY MARKET
The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in copper. ”

“ Out of Place.—A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.
A Financial Authority Badly Wanted.—The man who can say "bogus" to the investing goose.
The Vegetable Market.
Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the proprietors. ”

“ These can be viewed at any hour by standing still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling. [Pg 76] An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the nearest policeman.
1 p.m.—Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park. Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.
2 p.m.—Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal Academicians. Note what he says. ”

“ The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe. ”

“ Good Templar. "Tut—t—t—really, Swizzle, it's disgraceful to see a man in your position in this state, after the expense we've incurred and the exertions we've used to put down the liquor traffic!"
Swizzle. "Y' may preash as mush as y' like, gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y' I've made more persh'nal efforsh to (hic) purrown liquor than any of ve!"
[Pg 48]
A LONDON FOG
A fog in London daytime like the night is,
Our fellow-creatures seem like wandering ghosts,
The dull mephitic cloud will bring bronchitis;
You cannon into cabs or fall o'er posts. ”

“ Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London actors. You will find it as good as a play.
9 p.m.—A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.
10 p.m.—Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may be obtained in this way.
11 p.m.—Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.
[Pg 75]
Benevolent Old Gentleman. ”

“ Policeman. "Bread and water; same as you had afore!"
[Pg 39]
A Misunderstanding.
Old Gent. (evidently from the Shires) . "Hi! hoy! stop!"
Conductor. "'Old 'ard Bill!" (To Old Gent.) "Where are yer for, sir?"
Old Gent. (panting in pursuit) . "Here!—let's have a—box o' them—safety matches!"
[Objurgations!
[Pg 40]
ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER
He's the readiest customer living,
While you're lending, or spending or giving;
But when you'd make profit, or get back your own,
He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.
Favourite Song on the Stock Exchange.—"Oh! ”

“ The Feast of all Fools.—More than is good for them.
The "Lap" of Luxury.—Genuine milk in London.
Dish for Diddled Shareholders.—Bubble and squeak.
Science Gossip.—"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is not a bird called the ditto ditto. Is he not thinking of our old acquaintance, the do-do?
How to Make Money.—Get a situation in the Mint.—Economist. ”

“ Cabby (to Gent who has been dining out) . "'Ere y'are, sir. This is your 'ouse—get out—be careful, sir—'ere's the step?"
Gent. "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my feet?"
[Pg 181]
Employer (who simply WON'T take any excuse for unpunctuality) . "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and come at the proper time!"
[Pg 182]
Hairdresser. ”

“ Mrs. R. was in an omnibus lately. The streets were so badly paved, she says, that the osculations were most trying to elderly people, though the younger ladies did not seem to object to them.
Signs of a Severe Winter in London
Early departure of swallows from Swallow Street.
Poet's Corner covered with rime.
Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.
Coals raised.
Cynic's Motto for Kelly's Directory (by the kind permission of the Author of "Dead Men whom I have known.") —Living men whom I don't want to know. ”

“ Fashionable Intelligence.—A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue Lights."
NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME
Bye baby bunting,
Daddy's gone a hunting
On the Stock Exchange, to catch
Some one who is not his match ”

“ Fair Club Member (lately married, to friend) . "Bye, bye! Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be scratched for the billiard handicap!"
[Pg 22]
Policeman (to slightly sober individual, who is wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic) . "Come, old man, walk on the pavement."
Slightly Sober Individual. "Pavement! Who do you take me for? Blondin?"
[Pg 23]
SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET
[Pg 24]
Inscription to be placed over the Stock Exchange.—"Bear and for-bear." ”

“ Straphanger (in first-class compartment, to first-class passenger) . "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a minute, will yer, while I get a light?"
[Pg 12]
The Gas-Fitter's Paradise.—Berners Street.
Civic Wit.—A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate for widening the Poultry. ”

“ MONEY MARKET
[Pg 94]
The Stockbroker's Vade Mecum.—A book of good quotations.
Epitaph on a Letter Carrier.—Post obit.
A Man in Advance of his Time.—One who has been knocked into the middle of next week. ”