“ Among the warblers which abound in the vicinity of the metropolis, one of the most interesting is the little mudlark (Alauda Greenwichiensis) whose plaintive cry may nightly be [Pg 12] heard upon the shore of the river, where these little creatures congregate in flocks, and pick up any grub which they may chance to meet with.
Doubts have been entertained by sundry Cockney naturalists whether the pyramids of oyster shells, which in the early part of August used to be noticed in the streets, should be regarded as a proof of the migratory habits of the mollusc. ”

“ In the grove where the cuckoo is building her nest.
There the milkmaid sits down to the left of the cow,
In harvest they sow, and in haytime they plough;
While mowers, in attitudes gladsome and blythe,
Impossible antics perform with the scythe. ”

“ From information which I have received from members of the metropolitan police, I may assert that larks are common in the Haymarket, and that on the shores of the silver Thames at Wapping there is frequently observable a [Pg 38] goodly flock of mudlarks. From similar information, I may add that there are careful observers in the streets who rarely pass a day without their setting their eyes upon a robbin'. Who shall say that in the very midst of the metropolis there is not abundant evidence of a truly rural, and a tooral-looral life? ”

“ That the oyster is a sluggard and objects to leave his bed seems pretty generally admitted; but that he is endowed with the power of locomotion has, fortunately for science, been placed beyond a doubt. Whether oysters shed their shells when they are crossed in love is a point on which the naturalist is still somewhat in the dark. ”

“ But lor'! if a chap has a way with the sex, what the doose can he do?
The toffs may look thunder and tommy on me and my spicey rig out,
But they don't stare yours faithfully down, an' it's all nasty envy, no doubt.
Ta! ta! There's a boat coming in, and the sea has been roughish all day;
All our fellows will be on the watch, and I mustn't be out of the way.
Carn't yer manige to run down on Sunday? I tell yer it's larks, and no kid!
Yours bloomingly,
'Arry.
P.S.—I have parted with close on four quid!
Poison in the Bowl.—Hot weather.—Advice by our own Cockney. Don't put ice in your champagne. ”

“ I have seen a pigeon shot not far from Shepherd's Bush, and I have heard one has been plucked by a member of the hawk tribe at another West-End haunt. Blackbeetles are common in the back kitchens of Belgravia, and bluebottles abound among the butchers of Whitechapel during the warm months. There is another kind of fly, which is said to be indigenous to the stables of the jobmasters, and which also may be seen by [Pg 36] observant Cockney naturalists, but less seldom in Whitechapel than near the Regent's Park. ”

“ If we may credit the statistics which, with no slight labour, have been recently collected, no fewer than five million and eleven blue-bottles are annually slaughtered in the butchers' shops of London, before depositing their ova in the primest joints of meat. ”

“ Gone mouldy, or moon-struck, or wot?
Sticking down in the country, like you do, I tell yer, is all tommy-rot.
Its town makes a man of one, Charlie, as me and the nobs 'as found out,
And a snide 'un like you should be fly to it. Carn't fancy wot you're about.
Old Ruskin, I know, sez quite t'other, but then he is clean off his chump.
Where's the life in long lanes, with no gas-lamps? Their smell always give me the 'ump.
Come hout on it, mate, it'll spile yer. It's May, and the season's begun,
All the toffs is in town—ah! you trust 'em! they know where to drop on the fun. ”

“ Cockney Philosophy.
The Socratic mode of argument is the only true mode of chopping logic, because it proceeds altogether on the principle of axing questions.
'Arry puts 'em right.
The Daily Chronicle—recently suggested that the plural of rhinoceros is a disputed point. 'Arry writes: "What O, Mr. P., 'disputed'?—not a bit. Any kiddy as 'as 'ad 'arf an eddication knows what the plural of ''oss' is, don't he? No matter as to its bein' spelt ''os' or ''oss.' Plural, anyway ''osses.' 'Bus-'os'—'Bus-'osses.' 'Rhinocer-os'—'Rhinocer-osses.' That's as plain as an 'aystack, ain't it? ”

“ That's "May, merry May," if yer like, mate, and does your's ancetrar a treat.
But the rural's a dose as wants mixing, it won't do to swaller it neat;
That's wy the Haristos and 'Arry, and all as is fly to wot's wot,
Likes passing the season in London, in spite of yer poetry rot.
Country's all jolly fine in the autumn, with plenty of killing about—
Day's rabbitin's not a bad barney, and gull-potting's lummy, no doubt;
But green fields with nothink to slorter, no pubs, no theaytres, no gas!—
No, no, it won't wash, and the muggins as tells yer it will is a hass. ”

“ Care should specially be taken not to injure their antennæ, which, when crisp with egg and breadcrumbs, exquisitely tickle the palate of the gourmet, and provoke him to the liveliest of gastronomic feats. ”

“ Trained dogs appear, however, decidedly more numerous, and performing canaries may be met with not infrequently in the squares of the West End. The naturalist should note, moreover, that the learned British pig (Porcus Sapiens Britannicus) which, within the memory of men who are still living, used commonly to infest the fairs near the metropolis, has recently well nigh completely disappeared and is believed by sundry naturalists to be utterly extinct. ”

“ It's "'Arry" 'ere, and "'Arry" there,
And "'Arry, you're a bloomin' bear,"
And "'Arry, it's a shime"—
(Spoken.) —Which is 'ard on a feller! And then we 'as
to ketch the bloomin' trine again, and she do talk, but
never mind—
(Brightly.)
We've 'ad a 'appy 'ollidy,
We gits 'ome all the sime.
—'Urry up, 'Arry!
Cockney Sport Extraordinary.
Well-known sporting character, residing at Putney, being unable to reach the moors this season, and having lost his gun, has lately amused himself by bringing down several brace of grouse by means of the Brompton omnibus. ”

“ Rush in herby!—ascuse the Hitalian!—Ah, mate, ony wish I'd the tin;
I'd take 'em a trot, and no flounders! It's 'ard, bloomin' 'ard, my dear boy,
When form as is form ain't no fling, as a German ud say, fo der quoy.
I'd make Mister Ruskin sit up, and the rest of the 'owlers see snakes,
With their rot about old Mother Nature, as never don't make no mistakes.
Yah! Nature's a fraud and a fizzle, that is if yer can't fake her out
With the taste of a man about town, ony sort as knows wot he 's about. ”

“ Our Cockney correspondent says that the birds are very wild, and that the heath being extremely slippery, the attempt to run after them is apt to be attended with numerous falls, especially in patent-leather boots. ”

“ But, bless you, it's all of a piece, Charlie—life is so muddled with rot
That it takes rayther more than a judge or a jury to tell yer wot's wot.
Whether knifing a boy 'cos one's peckish means murder if lyings are libels,
Seem questions as bothers the big wigs, in spite of their blue books and Bibles. ”

“ The fact is this 'Appy New Year fake is 'oller, mate, hutterly 'oller.
'Twon't fly—like the Christmas card hangels, it doesn't fit into the facks;
All it does is to spread tommy-rot, and to break all the postmen's poor backs.
You'll be thinking I've got the blue-mouldies, old man, and you won't be fur hout.
Funds low with yours truly, my bloater, no chances of getting about.
Larks, any amount of 'em, going, advertisements gassing like fun,
But 'Arry, for once in the way, 's a stone-broker and not in the run. [Pg 110]
It's cutting, that's wot it is, cutting. ”

“ Yer'd sell yer bloomin' birthright for a pot of 'arf-an-'arf?
Lor, Liz! Ter think as you should be in sich a thankless mood!
Yer've got a "blessed 'eritage," an' 'ere's yer gratitood!
'Arry Examined.—Q. "What is meant by 'Higher Education'"?
'Arry. "Getting a tutor at so much a week. That's the way I should 'ire education—if I wanted it."
Why He is Such a Dull Boy.
"'Arry," said an eminent comic singer to his friend, confidentially at the Oxford, "I'm exclusively engaged at the music 'alls; mayn't perform in a theatre." ”

“ An Awkward Name.—'Arry, on a marine excursion, hearing mention made of the two sea-birds the great auk and the little auk, inquired if the little auk was a sparrow-'awk.
"He is the greatest liar on (H) earth," as the Cockney said of the lap-dog he often saw lying before the fire.
[Pg 17]
The Vernacular.
"Yer know that young Germin feller as come ter sty in our 'ouse six months agow? Well, w'en fust 'e come, I give yer my word'e didn' know nothink but 'is own lengwidge; but we bin learnin' 'im English, an' now e' can speak it puffick—jes' the sime as wot you an' me can." ”

“ Lady (referring to programme, to friend) . "'Schumann, op. 2.' What's the meaning of 'op. 2'?"
'Arry (who thinks he is being addressed, and always ready to oblige with information) . "Oh, op. 2. Second dance; second 'op, yer know. May I 'ave the pleasure?"
[Pg 186]
The Sale of Intoxicants to Children Bill.
"It's another hinjustice to hus pore wimmen, it is! They won't let us send the kids for it now, an' if my heldest boy goes for it 'e 'as 'arf of it 'isself, 'an' if my old man goes 'e never comes back! so the hend of it is, I 'ave to go for it myself!" ”

“ Don't care for the baths, but there's sailing, and rollicking rides on a moke.
I've sung comic songs on the cliffs after dark, and wot's fun if that ain't?
And I've chiselled my name in a church on the cheek of a rummy stone saint.
So, Charlie, I think you will see, I've been doing the tourist to rights.
Good grub and prime larks in the daytime, and billiards and bitter at nights;
That's wot I calls 'oliday-making, my pippin. I wish you was here,
Jest wouldn't we go it extensive! But now I am off for the pier. [Pg 100]
To ogle the girls. ”

“ Tout Contractor (who has been paid a shilling per man, and sees his way to a little extra profit) . "Now look 'ere, you two H's! The public don't want yer—nor I don't, nor nobody don't; so jist drop them boards, and then 'ook it!"
[Pg 34]
OBSERVATIONS BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST
A nightingale has been heard singing in Kensington Gardens (vide Times, April 19) . A salmon has been seen swimming close to London Bridge. A trout has been observed (reposing on a marble slab) near to Charing Cross. Sticklebacks have been captured in the waters of the Serpentine. ”

“ Then money! I Think, Elizer, of them cruel stocks and shares
Wot makes their lives a torter to them martyred millionaires
Oh, ain't we much more appy when the sticks is up the spout
An' the kids is wantin' dinner and 'as got ter go without?
And don't it make yer 'eart bleed, too, to think of all the care
Of mansions in the country and an 'ouse in Grosvenor Square?
Ah, what would them pore fellers give if honly they could come
An' live with all their fam'ly in our garret hup the slum? [Pg 32]
Wot, Liz? ”

“ Ah Nature! it's little—I own for my part—
I know of your face save as mirrored in art;
Yet, vainly shall critics begrudge me that charm,
For a fellow can paint without learning to farm.
[Pg 47]
Bethnal Green.
East-Ender. "'Ary Scheffer!' Hignorant fellers, these foreigners Bill! Spells 'Enery without the haitch!"
[Pg 48]
Overheard at a Meeting of the Up-in-a-Balloon Society.
'Arry. Wot's the difference between Nelson and that cove in the chair?
Charlie. Give it up, mate.
'Arry. Wy, Nelson was a nautical 'ero, and this chap's a 'ero nautical, to be sure.
'Arry 'ad—for Once. ”

“ A Cockney Con.—When may a man really be supposed to be hungry?
When he goes to Nor- (gnaw) wood for his dinner.
[Pg 133]
So Very Considerate.
Stout Coster. "Where are ye goin' to, Bill?"
Bill. "Inter the country for a nice drive, bein' Bank 'Olidy."
Stout Coster. "Same 'ere. I sy! don't yer think we might swop misseses just for a few hours? It would be so much kinder to the hanimile!"
[Pg 134]
'Arry (whose "Old Dutch" has been shopping, and has kept him waiting a considerable time) . "Wot d'yer mean, keepin' me standin' abaat 'ere like a bloomin' fool?"
'Arriet. ”

“ I feel it when things go most cross,
Better do a fi'penny doss,
Than never do a doss at all!
University Sympathy.
First Errand Boy (after the University Boat Race) . Wot 'ave yer got a light blue ribbon in yer button 'ole for, Tommy?
Second E. B. (promptly) . 'Cos our 'ouse allus sells Cambridge sausages!
A Matter of Taste.
Vulgar Parvenu (who is watching the interior decorations of his house) . "Don't you think that tapestry 'eats the rooms?"
Artistic Decorator. "Very possibly, sir; you see, it's Goblin (Gobelin) ." ”

“ Your 'Arry never drops his n's.
A Pair of "Nippers."—A coster's twins.
Cockney Classics.
"Jack," said Robins, "which varsity would you rayther go to, Hoxford or 'Idleberg?"
"Hoxford, Jemmy, to be sure, you muff," answered Robbins. "'Cos vy, I prefers hindustry to hidleness."
[Pg 167]
A Bank Holiday Reminiscence.
'Arry. "Ow much an hour, guv'nor?"
Horsekeeper. "Eighteenpence."
'Arry. "All right. I'll have a ride."
Horsekeeper. "Well, you've got to leave 'arf a crown on the 'orse?"
[Pg 168]
POOR LETTER "H"
"Have you got any whole strawberry jam?"
"No, miss. All ours is quite new!" ”

“ A nurse takes you from one, an 'earse to t'other.
A Vulgar Error.—Misplacing the haspirate.
A Chevalieresque Conundrum.—Coster Bill (to 'Arriet) . I si! When is your young man like a fish out of water?
'Arriet. Oh, g'long! Give't up. ”

“ Cabman. "Well, to be sure! Wot a good wife you would 'ave made for a pore man!"
[Pg 57]
Back to the Land.
Farmer's Wife (who has told the new lad from London to collect eggs) . "Well, Jack, have you got many?"
Jack (who has raided a sitting hen) . "Rauther! One old 'en she's bin and layed thirteen, and I don't think she's finished yet!"
[Pg 58]
LINES BY A COCKNEY
Addressed to A Young Lady, but dropped by some mistake into Mr. Punch's letter-box.
Sweet hangel, whom I met last heve
Hat Mrs. Harthur's 'op,
I 'ope that you will give me leave
A question now to pop. ”