Various

“ Let us suppose that you belong to the 580th Division, B.E.F. You do not put "580" on your waggons and your limbers and on the tin-hats of your Staff. Certainly not. The enemy would know about you if you did that. You have a secret sign, such as tramps chalk on your wall at home, to let other tramps know that you are a stingy devil with a dog. There are many theories as to how these signs are chosen. One is that a committee of officers sits in camerâ for forty-eight hours without food or drink till it has decided on an arrow or a cat, or a dandelion, rampant. ”

“ Let us take it that a cat is chosen—a quiet thing in cats—crimson on a green-and-white chess-board background. Forthwith (as adjutants say) a crimson cat on a green-and-white chess-board background is painted and embroidered on everything that can be painted and embroidered on—limbers and waggons and hand-carts and arm-bands and the tin-hats of the Staff. ”

“ Last year, owing to the pressure of other engagements, we did not mark out the tennis-lawn at "Sunnyside." This year the matter has been taken out of our hands by the military powers.
Nevin was the first to think of it.
"What about a game of tennis?" he suggested one bright morning in May. "Keep us from going to seed."
It was his second day of leave after three months in the Ypres salient, so the change may have been too sudden for him.
"That's a toppin' notion," echoed Bob; "let's raid 'old Beetle's' museum and dig out the posts." ”

“ He cracks his whip; the horses throw up their heads and break into a canter; the cavaliers turn pea-green about the [pg 73] chops, let go the reins and clutch saddle-pommels.
The leading horse, a rakish chestnut, finding his head free at last and being heartily fed-up with the whole business, suddenly bolts out of the manège and legs it across the meadow, en route for stables and tea. ”

“ The voracious novel-reader is apt to hold detective stories in the same regard that the Scotchman is supposed to entertain towards whisky—some are better than others, but there are no really bad ones. ”

“ I moved my chair slightly south, and pretended to regard the apple-blossom, and when Nevin went into the house and brought out something which dimly resembled a ship's sextant I had the extreme presence of mind not to make any inquiries.
Margery drifted up with a pink duster.
"What ever are they doing?" she asked.
"Hush!" I whispered; "Bob has just got the range of a supply train on the far side of the rockery, and if Nevin (Nevin is the Crown Prince of Wurtemberg) doesn't get the longitude of Bob's battery in the next minute or so it's all up with his day's rations." ”

“ The Higher Command, being a man of like passions with ourselves, has just finished tinned Oxford marmalade and a cigarette. He heads for the "IN" basket on his desk and takes from it the "Arrivals and Departures" paper. "Ha!" says he to the lady secretary, "I see six new divisions landed yesterday." He pauses. Outside there is no sound to be heard save the loud and continuous crash of the sentry's hand against his rifle as he salutes the passing A.D.C.'s. "What about signs?" says the Higher Command. The lady secretary says nothing. ”

“ There is the clever young detective, in whose company we expectantly scour the bazaars and alleys of Mangadone in search of a missing boy. There are Chinamen and Burmese, opium dens and curio shops, temples and go-downs. ”

“ No 'e ain't no chestnut and never was, no, nor a raspberry roan neither; 'e's a bay. 'Ow often must I tell you that a chestnut 'orse is the colour of lager beer, a brown 'orse the colour of draught ale, and a black 'orse the colour of stout.
"And now, gentlemen, stan' to yer 'orses, 'pare to mount—mount!
"There you go, Number Seven, up one side and down the other. Try to stop in the saddle for a minute if only for the view. You'll get yourself 'urted one of these days dashing about all over the 'orse like that; and 'sposing you was to break your neck, who'd get into trouble? Me, not you. ”

“ From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic.
DEAR OLD CHAP,—You can't think how glad I am to have your disclaimer. I disliked having to write to you as I did, after so many years of good fellowship, but you must admit that I had some provocation. It is a pretty serious thing for a man in my position to be publicly singled out by a man in yours as being without a sense of humour. However, your explanation puts everything right, and all's well that ends well. Yours as ever, FRED. ”

“ Considering my standing as a comedian, hitherto earning high salaries and occupying the place I do solely by virtue of my comic gifts (as the Press and Public unanimously agree) , this disparagement from a man wielding as much power as you do is very damaging. ”

“ Those of us to whom dogs are merely animals—just that—will find this history of an Irish terrier dull enough; but others who have in their time given their "heart to a dog to tear" will recognise and joyously welcome Mr. LONDON'S sympathetic understanding of his hero. Jerry's adventurous life as here told was spent in the Solomon Islands, which is not, I gather, the most civilized part of the globe. ”

“ Then Nevin, who is a thoughtful person, said suddenly, "I suppose you made quite sure that the line of these posts will cross the centre of the court?" And then, before Bob could retort, added, "Of course you ought to have made absolutely certain of that. As it is we had better leave this and find the corner irons."
Corner irons that have remained undisturbed for some twenty-four months have a way of concealing themselves. At the end of ten minutes the seekers began to show signs of impatience. ”

“ He adds out of the abundance of his heart a diary and novel by Knatschke's daughter, Elsa, full of the artless sentimentality of the German virgin. It is even better fun than the Professor's part of the business. Naturally the full flavour of both jokes must be missed by the outsider. HANSI is the more effective in that he chuckles quietly, never guffaws and never rails. ”

“ The 'orse's mouth was constructed for mincing 'is victuals, also for 'is rider to 'ang on by. As the 'orse does the other forty-five per cent. of 'is dirty work with 'is mouth it is advisable to stand clear of that as well. In fact, what with his mouth at one end and 'is 'ind-legs at t'other, the middle of the 'orse is about the only safe spot, and that is why we place the saddle there. Everything in the Harmy is done with a reason, gentlemen. ”

“ Well, laast Friday night me an' Tom Figgures an' Bertie Mayo an' Peter Ledbetter an' a lot more on us what goes to Reuben Izod's at The Bell, we come in to 'ave our drink. And, mind you, pretty nigh all on us 'ad a-bin mouldin'-up taters all day, so's to get them finished afore the hay; so us could do wi' a drop. Aye, aye!
Well, fust thing us knowed—no more'n a hour or two after—Mrs. Izod was a-sayin' to old Peter Ledbetter, as 'er set down a fresh pint for 'n, "That's the laast drop o' beer i' the 'ouse," 'er says. ”

“ The no-tablecloths order has caused great perturbation among the better-class hotel-keepers in Berlin. Does the Government, they ask sarcastically, expect their class of patron to wipe their mouths on their shirt-cuffs? ”

“ Air-raids evidently do not count with this gallant yeoman.
Efficiency, not economy, is the PRIME MINISTER'S watchword. Sir EDWARD CARSON as a Member of the War Cabinet will have no portfolio, but will enjoy the not inadequate salary of five thousand a year for what the Profession calls "a thinking part." The new Minister of Reconstruction is to have two thousand a year ”

“ It is announced that all salaries in the German Diplomatic Service have been reduced. We always said that frightfulness didn't really pay.
German women have been asked to place their hair at the disposal of the authorities. If they do not care to sacrifice their own hair they can just send along the handful or two which they collect in the course of waiting in the butter queue. ”

“ KING, though in some respects not unlike one another—each combining a child-like belief in what they are told outside the House with an invincible scepticism in regard to the information they receive from Ministers inside—are rarely found hunting in couples. ”

“ A London magistrate has held that tea and dinner concerts in restaurants are subject to the entertainment tax. This decision will come as a great shock to many people who have always regarded the music as an anæsthetic. ”

“ But Captain Richard Nevin and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson are made of different stuff. They scorn the easy path. They have stores of deep knowledge to draw upon which place their calculations beyond the ken of ordinary mortals. After they had made a searching examination of the exhumed angle, Bob pulled out a pencil, prostrated himself behind it and then proceeded to gaze ecstatically over the top. ”

“ Yes, a bit of bully, thanks, wouldn't be amiss; and a nice piece of coal; cockchafers very good too when, as now, in season; and, for savoury, a little nibble with a yard of tarred string and an empty cardboard cigarette-box. Thank you very much.
"Why, the little brute's a perfect dustbin," said my mate; and "Dustbin" the puppy was throughout his stay with us.
For six weeks did Dustbin—attached for rations and discipline—accompany us on our sanitary rounds; set us a fine example of indifference to shell fire, even to the extent of attempting to catch spent shrapnel as it fell ”

“ Us stud there a-gyaupin' an' a-gyaupin', till at last Peter Ledbetter give a kick at the door and 'ollers out, "Whatten a gammit do 'ee call this 'ere, Reuben Izod? 'Tis drink us waants, not tickets for the Cook'ry Demonstration." (Turr'ble sarcastic 'e do be sometimes, Peter Ledbetter) .
"I aren't got none," says Reuben from be'ind the door.
"Well, cider, then," says Bertie Mayo.
"Tall 'ee I aren't got narrun—beer, cider, nor limonade—nary a drop. 'Tiddn' no manner o' good for you chaps to stan' there. You'd best toddle along up to The Green Dragon an' see if Mas'r Holtom've got any." ”

“ A man who obtained two hundred-weight of sugar from a firm of ship-brokers has been fined ten pounds at Glasgow. Some curiosity exists as to the number of ships he had to purchase in order to secure that amount of sugar. ”

“ The public has been warned by Scotland Yard against a man calling himself Sid Smith. We wouldn't do it ourselves, of course, but we are strongly opposed to the police interfering in what is after all purely a matter of personal taste. ”

“ Personally, as a means of shelter we prefer the coal-cellar to any penalty.
"Will Mr. Russell deny that 660 million gallons of milk were produced in Ireland last year, of which half went to the creameries and more to the margarine factories and to England?"—Letter in Irish Paper.
The Irish gallon would appear to be as elastic as the Irish mile. ”