Various

“ Miss Ropes and Haynes went off to arrest him, but hardly had they disappeared down the drive when Philip in person appeared on the lawn.
This gave our handy man, James, his chance. James simply loves to make himself useful. If anybody wants anything done he can always rely on James to do it by a more complicated method and with more trouble to himself than the ordinary man could conceive. ”

“ During the last air raid the windows of one house were blown outwards, the plaster and ceiling fell, and doors were thrown off their hinges, and yet the occupant—a woman—experienced surprise on hearing that the house had been struck by a bomb. She was under the impression that a new bus route had been opened.
"Candidates for the diplomatic service," says Lord ROBERT CECIL, "will after the War be largely drawn from persons of talent." It is not known who first thought of this, but it just shows what a pull politicians have over ordinary people when it comes to thinking out things. ”

“ He looked at her with pride. "She's a good boat," he said. "She used to be a lifeboat, with tanks in her to keep her buoyant, but I took them out."
"I was expecting one with a deck," I said.
"Deck? Who wants a deck?" he answered. "She's all right. You must keep baling, that's all. She would, be all the better for some white-lead and paint."
"Why not give them to her?" I asked.
He pointed to an island about a mile distant and a headland half a mile across the bay. "Keep within those two spots," he said, "and you'll be all right. It's not safe to take her beyond. There might be squalls." ”

“ Miss MEARS is far too serious an artist to neglect the graver aspects of her theme. Briefly, an excellently human and stimulating novel, whose only drawback is that recent events have caused the suffrage atmosphere in which it is sat to taste somewhat stale.
Between anarchy and anarchy the history of unhappy Mexico is spanned for the space of a generation by the colossal figure of the soldier-president, Diaz (CONSTABLE) . ”

“ Fortunately, perhaps, for the Government the Home Office Vote was the subject for discussion. This gave Members an opportunity for blowing off a lot of preliminary steam. At one moment an even more dangerous explosion was feared. Sir HENRY DALZIEL suddenly produced from his capacious coat-tails a shell which had fallen into his office during the raid. His neighbours crowded round to examine it, until his remark that it was "still unexploded" caused a slump in their curiosity. There was once a statesman who, to emphasize his argument, flung a dagger upon the floor of the House. ”

“ The Government had to withstand a massed attack by the Free Traders, who even in war-time have not entirely shed their prejudices against subsidizing the farmer at the expense of the rest of the community, although the object of the subsidies is to ensure the rest of the community having enough to eat. ”

“ A girl of the sweet type, endowed liberally with virtues, is produced as an antidote to the minx, but is no match for her. The present is not perhaps the most happily chosen time for a novel with such a theme, but I can at least say that Miss PETERSON is an expert in her subject and is never at a loss for incident. ”

“ Why have a smoking-room at all when everybody's grandmother has her own cigarette case and her own special brand of cigarettes?"
"We ought rather," I said, "to have two smoking-rooms to every house, one for me and the likes of me and the other for the grandmothers."
"Segregating the sexes again! Surely if we have mixed bathing we may have mixed smoking." ”

“ I remarked. "Surely you don't want people drowned in your boats? It wouldn't do the village or the hotel any good."
"No, I suppose not," he assented thoughtfully; "but no one's going to be drowned. No one ever has been drowned in that boat since I've had her." ”

“ In this war of many fronts and facets, literature seems a little to have deserted the desert; it is therefore good that a writer so well equipped as "YEO" should tell us a little of what our soldiers there are doing for the cause, the special variety of beastliness that they are enduring (to read the chapter called "Plagues of Egypt" is enough to make one seek out an English wasp and embrace it with tears of affection) , and the courage and humour that support them in their task. ”

“ DAVID HANNAY, writing with exquisite literary workmanship in the series of biographies entitled collectively Makers of the Nineteenth Century, presents this typically "strong" man as neither hero nor villain, but as a human being with human limitations, even more as a Mexican with the characteristics of a Mexican. ”

“ If little of the country's wealth found its way beyond the narrowest of circles during his long control, and if certain Indian tribes were shamefully enslaved—a fact which is neither denied nor condoned—still railways and harbours did get themselves built and the dictator himself lived a life of uncorrupt simplicity. ”

“ Certain meatstuffs unfit for human consumption may now be used in the manufacture of dog biscuits. The news has been received with much satisfaction by several dogs, who have now promised to cut out postmen from their menu.
When the Middlesex Sessions were about to commence, a bell warning people of the air raid was sounded, and the Justices immediately advised people to take shelter. No notice was taken of the suggestion made by several prisoners who expressed the view that the safest place was the street. ”

“ Artistes will submit for approval not later than the 10th December the details of their songs and dances. Comedians will also submit their "gags" and comic scenes for blue-pencilling. This is merely a matter of form and the strictest secrecy as to their real intentions will be preserved in order that the principle of "springing it on one another" should be maintained.
If twenty people are found in the bar during a comedian's turn he is liable to summary dismissal. ”

“ It is hoped now that the British communiqués will be a little less bald.
THE BOAT. A STUDY IN INDIFFERENCE.
One likes to think of oneself as a person of some importance, whose vital spark, even in these days when life is so cheap, ought to be guarded with solicitude. Indeed, to adapt CLOUGH'S phrase, one wants other people—and especially those whose prosperity is dependent upon us—officiously to keep us alive. ”

“ He has been blamed for failure to establish enduringly the civilisation that Europe thought bad been attained, but on this the author's verdict is an unhesitating acquittal. Only a god could have done better, he thinks, and, in a series of illuminating analyses of the material to be moulded he shows how anything more than a superficial improvement was humanly impossible. ”

“ There was a flash of red and grey, and the outraged Philip, minus a tail feather, sought the sanctuary of the woods.
He is still absent without leave at the time of writing.
Manager of Labour Exchange (to man whom he has sent to a job for "an intelligent labourer to assist the demonstrator of tanks; one who can hold his tongue about the work") . ”

“ In his preface the author tells us that his object in writing it has partly been to correct a lack of appreciation among stay-at-homes of the hardships and heroism of their defenders. But does there really breathe a man with soul so dead as to belittle these to-day? ”

“ He made an excellent breakfast of ham and eggs just before his execution, the Governor was good enough to tell me, and was collected enough even to grumble at the age of one of the eggs.
D—— L——, the famous comedian, was very funny always about his eggs. I remember he had an idea that if you whistled to the hen before the egg was laid the result tasted better when you ate it. He wanted me to write a comic song for him on these lines, but the idea never came to anything. ”

“ He waited patiently for an hour-and-a-half, except for a short break while he rounded up the caterpillars, who, not knowing the rules, had walked away. Then we took the luncheon interval; scores, James (in play) 0; Philip 0.
"I don't see," said Ansell soon after the resumption, "why poor old James should do all the work. Let's all help."
We began by posting an appeal in prominent spots about the grounds:—
PHILIP—If this should meet the eye of. ”

“ Something more than this, too; the wholly illogical and baffling humanity that—one likes to think—helps to differentiate the British fighting man, and must surely cause certain European people such bewildered qualms, if they ever hear of it. ”

“ In the end it was decided that there must be an entirely new tribunal, which can deal fairly—and, one hopes, finally—with both soldiers and civilians. But it is now even betting that the Mesopotamia laundry-work will outlast the duration of the War.
Visitor to a country churchyard (seeing elderly gentleman listening hard, presumably to the choir singing in the church) . "IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?"
Elderly gentleman (naturalist, listening to the grasshoppers) . ”

“ Certainly it has, a very definite though an indirect one."—Liverpool Echo.
If it hadn't been so old a joke, we should have guessed that the author has a strong cast in his eye.
"A Chaplain Wanted, for private chapel in the Highlands. There is plenty of stalking for a good shot, also there is fishing, shooting, and golf. A chaplain is wanted who can drive a motor-car. ”

“ Will consist of One Section Blondes and Brunettes, One Section Petites and One Section "Stunners" (see Standard Formation, para. 3a) . Category "B" will be at the back. Category "B" of last year's Chorus will be transferred to the Pantomime Employment Company.
4. Scenery.
The S.E. (Scenic Engineers) will co-operate by improvising new scenery out of last year's production as far as possible.
5. Discipline.
The stage-manager will be responsible for the strictest discipline being maintained during performances, and will put up a barrage of invective at the slightest signs of slackness. ”

“ Think of the language which would proceed from a hundred thousand agitated subscribers, deceived into answering supposed "calls," when they ought to be making for their dug-outs.
The gist of a very long speech by the ATTORNEY-GENERAL was that the Press had mistaken the Mesopotamia Commission for a Hanging Committee, whereas it much more resembled a Fishing Expedition. But his new tribunal found little favour with the House, especially when it was discovered that it would have no power to try the civilians affected. One of them, [pg 43] Mr. ”

“ Up and down the stream he darted, spreading the wonderful news; and so the willow-trees were comforted.
"Ssshhh, ssshhh," they whispered. "Ssshhh! ssshhh! for our brave solders and sailors, for our dear sailors and soldiers—ssshhh, ssshhh."
AT OUR RED CROSS SALE."MR. JEM WALLOP, A RETIRED HEAVY-WEIGHT CHAMPION, HAS VERY KINDLY CONSENTED TO GIVE A LESSON IN BOXING TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER." Commercial Candour. ”