Various

“ Patriots without number—Kossuth shall be my example—have fought and bled, and have been thrust into exile, only to see their objects gained by others in the end. But the final triumph was theirs surely almost as much as if they themselves had gained it. On the other hand there are those who march from disappointment to disappointment, but remain serenely unconscious of it all the time. These are not genuine failures. There is Charsley, for instance, journalist, dramatist, novelist—Heaven knows what besides. ”

“ So much then for "A Platonist." And now to the matter in hand.
My dear Failure, there exists amongst us, as, indeed, there has always existed, an innumerable body of those upon whom you have cast your melancholy blight. Amongst their friends and acquaintances they are known by the name you yourself bear. They are the great army of failures. But there must be no mistake. Because a man has had high aspirations, has tried with all the energy of his body and soul to realise them, and has, in the end, fallen short of his exalted aim, he is not, therefore, to be called a failure. ”

“ Few like the appearance of a book with the pages machine-cut; fewer still can spare the time to cut a book. Mr. Fisher Unwin compromises by presenting this dainty little volume with the top pages ready cut, the reader having nothing to do but to slice the side-pages, a labour which no book-lover would grudge, seeing that it leaves the volume with the uncut appearance dear to his heart. ”

“ I will now call your attention to a splendid group, taken from English 'Istry, and set in motion by powerful machinery, repperesentin' the Parting Interview of Charles the First with his fam'ly. (Rolls up a painted canvas curtain, and reveals the Monarch seated, with the Duke of Gloucester on his knee, surrounded by Oliver Cromwell, and as many Courtiers, Guards, and Maids of Honour as can be accommodated in the limited space.) I will wind up the machinery and the unfortunate King will be seen in the act of bidding his fam'ly ajew for ever in this world. ”

“ A Philosopher has deigned to address to me a letter. "Sir," writes my venerable correspondent, "I have been reading your open letters to Abstractions with some interest. You will, however, perhaps permit me to observe that amongst those to whom you have written are not a few who have no right whatever to be numbered amongst Abstractions. Laziness, for instance, and Crookedness, and Irritation—not to mention others—how is it possible to say that these are Abstractions? They are concrete qualities and nothing else. ”

“ The characters are clearly drawn, the plot is interesting, the conversation crisp, and the style throughout pleasantly cynical. The author, John Oliver Hobbes, has a pretty turn of aphorism. "A man's way of loving is so different from a woman's"; and again, "Genius is so rare, and ambition is so common." ”

“ Without tumbling one o'er tother, wy, yer sinks, gents, pooty quick.
Sinks! Yes, when wot yer lives in is a sink, or somethink wus;
With a drunkard for a mother, and some neighbour for a nuss;
With the gutter for yer playground, and a 'ome from which yer shrink,
Can you wonder that poor Slum-birds is give o'er to Dirt and Drink. ”

“ The majority of the Public is still outside, listening open-mouthed to a comic dialogue between the Showman and a juvenile and irreverent Nigger. Those who have come in find that, with the exception of some particularly tame-looking murderers' heads in glazed pigeon-holes, a few limp effigies stuck up on rickety ledges, and an elderly Cart-horse in low spirits, there is little to see at present.
Melia (to Joe, as they inspect the Cart-horse.) This 'ere can't never be the live 'orse with five legs, as they said was to be seen inside! ”

“ REAL AND IDEAL.—"A Really Hard-Headed Man"—the Iron-skulled individual now exhibiting at the Aquarium. If his will is as iron as his head, what a despot he would be! If France is tired of her Republic, she might try the Iron-Headed Man as a ruler. ”

“ A Platonist."—To which I merely reply, with all possible respect, "Stuff and nonsense!" I know my letters have reached those to whom they were addressed, no single one has come back through the Dead-letter Office, and that is enough for me. Besides, there are thousands of Abstractions that the mind of "A Platonist" has never conceived. Somewhere I know, there is an abstract Boot, a perfect and ideal combination of all the qualities that ever were or will be connected with boots, a grand exemplar to which all material boots, more or less, nearly approach ”

“ Wot yer washups don't quite tumble to's the fack as like breeds like.
If you would himprove Slum-dwellers, at the Slum you fust must strike.
Give us small dark 'oles to dwell in, and you must be jolly green
If you think folks bred in dirt like, are a-going to keep 'em clean. ”

“ You know the trick, my son, it's no use pretendin' you don't"—and thereupon the high-spirited warrior dug me good-humouredly in the ribs, and winked at me with an eye which, if the truth must be told, was bloodshot to the very verge of ferocity.
"Talkin' of woodcock," he continued—we were now walking along Pall Mall together—"they tell me you're writin' some gas or other about shootin'. Well, if you want a tip from me, just you let into the smokin' room shots a bit; you know the sort I mean, fellows who are reg'lar devils at killin' birds when they haven't got a gun in their hands. ”

“ You don't mean 'im, do you? (The Pony shakes his head.) Is it the Young Man standin' just beyind as is fond o' kissin the girls? (The Pony nods.) Ah, I thought so!
The Rustic Lothario (with a broad grin) . It's quoite tri-ew!
Clown. Now I want you, little Pony, to go round and tell me who's the biggest rogue in the company. (Reassuringly, as the Pony goes round, and a certain uneasiness is perceptible among some of the spectators) . I 'ope no Gentleman 'ere will be offended by bein' singled out, for no offence is intended,—it is merely a 'armless— (Finds the Pony at his elbow.) ”

“ He does not propose to make your flesh creep, or your eyes run torrents. He simply succeeds in making you laugh. In "The Processional Instinct," Mr. Pain informs us that he has discovered that our private life is circular, and our public life is rectilineal. ”

“ JIM'S JOTTINGS.
["Do the poor make the slums, or the slums make the poor?"—Henry Lazarus, in "Landlordism."]
Is it the poor wot makes the Slums, or the Slums wot makes the poor?
Well, that's the question, Guv'nor, and I've 'eared it arsked afore,
And the arnser ain't so easy, if you wants to be O.K.
Don't suppose as I can settle it, but I'll have my little say.
My old friend Mister Lazarus, now, he ups and sez, sez he,
The great Ground Landlord is the great prime cause. "Yah! fiddlededee!"
Cries the House-Farmer; "Slums is Slums, acos the Poor is Pigs!" ”

“ With his thumb 'ooked orful hartful, and his chickaleary smile.
"Jim," sez he, "wot price your jabber? Do yer think the blooming blokes
Cares a cuss for me and you, Jim, any more than for our mokes?
"Shut yer face, you pattering josser! Dirt and Drink is good for Rents!
If the Poor wos clean and sober, where 'ud be their cent-per-cents? ”