F. Anstey

“ Everyone whose delight in a "finest run across country that ever was seen," and whose ambition is "to be in at the finish," may now have as his abiding companions on his own book-case within reach of his easy-chair, the histories of Jorrocks and Sponge and Romford, and others of the famous creation, in a handsome and handy form; having the pages brightened by a selection from the original illustrations to give an added vividness to the exhilarating raciness of the author's humour. ”

“ Sheep, already shorn, lie and pant in shame and shivering bewilderment, one or two nibble the blades of grass, as if to assure themselves that that resource is still open to them. Sheep whose turn is still to come are penned up at the back, and look on, scandalised, but with an air which seems to express that their own superior respectability is a sufficient protection against similar outrage. ”

“ Where shall I go and hide myself? Shall I ever persuade that beast of a portmanteau to give me out one or two things to put on—because I really can't go about like this! Captain still hammering at funnel—but he can't wake that sleepy-headed idiot in the next room. ”

“ Punch. "I rather expected to see the air full of electric trains, manageable balloons, or coveys of citizens darting about on mechanical pinions. [ 149] But I see none, and even more people go on foot than in my own time."
"Inventions, I take it," was the reply, "only served to enrich the Capitalist, and save time or labour. Now we have no Capitalists and no riches, and no reason for hurrying anywhere, while it would be absurd and useless to lessen the amount of manual labour when, even as it is, there is scarcely enough to keep everyone employed for six hours a day." ”

“ The Sands at Baymouth, where some pony and horse races are being run. By the Grand Stand, and under the wall of the esplanade, about a dozen bookmakers, perched on old packing-cases, are clamouring with their customary energy. The public, however, for some reason seems unusually deaf to their blandishments and disinclined for speculation, and the bookmakers, after shouting themselves hoarse with little or no result, are beginning to feel discouraged. ”

“ Punch, wistfully. "But perhaps Journalism is also——?"
"Of course. Everyone is so contentedly and peacefully absorbed in contributing his share of work to the State, that he has no desire to read about the doings of other persons, even if there was anything of interest to be told, which there isn't. We produce just sufficient for our own wants, so there is no commerce; we have no Army or Navy, since we don't desire to conquer, and are not worth conquering. No Politics, because we govern ourselves by our own consent and co-operation ”

“ Punch. "I used to do a little in that way once."
"You had better not do it here. Humour, I believe, consisted in representing Humanity under ridiculous aspects. We're Humanity, and we don't see any fun in being laughed at. None of your humour here, mind!"
"But the citizens have a certain amount of leisure, I suppose," said Mr. Punch. "How do they amuse [ 155] themselves? For I can discover no libraries, no circuses, nor concert-rooms, nor anything!" ”

“ The Handley Cross Sporting Novels have hitherto, by the form of their production, formed the enduring ornament of a Country Gentleman's Library, and, by reason of their price, have been somewhat beyond the attainment of that extensive and constantly enlarging section who have learned to take delight in the out-of-door amusements which brighten rural life. ”

“ You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or offices, incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not trust with the responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear a knock at your outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's room, after which your salaried idiot announces "A Gentleman to see you." ”

“ Porpentine's never shown himself what I should call sociable.
Mr. Cockcr. I've never found him anything but pleasant myself, whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an exclusive man, and a fastidious man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and I should have thought this was an occasion—if ever there was one—for putting any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect and sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing myself, I've no objection. ”

“ The first shepherd has just thrown his patient on its back, gripped its shoulders between his knees, and tucked its head, as a tiresome and obstructive excrescence, neatly away under one of his arms, while he reaches for the shears. ”

“ As the prime mover, and a particular friend of Porpentine's, it's only right and fair I should bear the chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll call it quits. ”

“ Of the Books which have attained to the position of being perennial favourites with the audience to whom they appeal—living as if no rivalry could dislodge them—a foremost place has long been held by the Handley Cross series of volumes, which are now just as much the favourite reading of those who are interested in the exploits of the hunting-field, as they have been since their first publication. ”

“ Punch, presently, "I should like to take a stroll in Hyde Park."
"That," said his guide, "has not been possible for at least fifty years. All the parks are now cut [ 152] up into three-acre allotments, where every able-bodied citizen does an hour's compulsory spade-work once a fortnight. A most admirable reform, as you will agree!"
"Capital!" gasped Mr. Punch, with an anticipatory pain in his back. "Then I am curious to see what strides have been made by your modern painters. Could you take me to a picture-gallery?"
"There are no modern painters. ”

“ As a near neighbour, and an intimate friend of Porpentine's, I don't 'esitate to assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our esteem. He's a quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked by some meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling on the line constantly for years, and leaving it at home that morning—why—I don't blame him if he did use his umbrella! [ 134]
Mr. Balch (sympathetically) . Nor I. Porpentine's a man I've always had a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood. I've always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour. ”

“ Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according to Bosch, "is not vort de see," so we don't see it. Sandford has a sneaking impression that I ought to go in, but Merton glad to be let off. We go to see the pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. Bosch exchanges greetings with the attendants in Dutch. "Got another of 'em in tow, you see—and collar-work, I can tell you!" would be a free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must say that, in a Picture-gallery, Bosch is a superfluous luxury. He does take my ignorance just a trifle too much for granted. ”

“ Bookmakers (antiphonally) . Evens on the field! Three to one bar one! Five to one bar two! Six to one bar one! Even money Beeswing! Six to one Popgun! Come on 'ere. Two to one on the field! What do you want to do?
[The public apparently want to look another way.
First Bookmaker (to Second Bookmaker) . Not much 'ere to-day! Shawn't get no roast baked and biled this journey, eh? [ 234]
Second B. (with deep disgust) . They ain't got no money! Baymouth's going down. Why, this might be a bloomin' Sunday-school treat! Blest if I believe they know what we're 'ere for! ”

“ Mr. C. R. Five bob? You're a artful girl, you are! "Fang de Seakale," and no error! But I'm on it; it's worth the money to 'ave a flower fastened in by such fair 'ands. I won't 'owl—not even if you do run a pin into me.... What? You ain't done a'ready! No 'urry, yer know.... 'Ere, won't you come along to the refreshment-stall, and 'ave a little something at my expense. Do!
Miss D'Aut. I think you must imagine you are talking to a barmaid!
Mr. C. R. (with gallantry) . I on'y wish barmaids was 'alf as pleasant and sociable as you, Miss. But they're a precious stuck-up lot, I can assure you! ”

“ I'm simply an amateur, and an independent gentleman o' means, like any of yourselves. You all know more than I do. I don't come 'ere with any intention o' winning your money—far from it. I'm wishful to settle and live among you. I may eventually put up as your member; and, if so, when I take my place in Parliament I shall be in a position to testify that the Baymouth people are extremely cautious as to the manner in which they invest their money on 'orse-racing'! ”

“ How would it do if we gave him a nice comfortable easy-chair—something he could sit in of an evening, yi-know?
Mr. Sibb. A touchy chap like Porpentine would be sure to fancy we thought he wanted something [ 139] soft after a hard bench and a plank bed—you can't go and give him furniture!
Mr. Cockcr. (with dignity) . There's a way of doing all things. I wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair at him—he's a sensitive feller in many respects, and he'd feel that, I grant you. He can't object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like ourselves. ”

“ Fact is (with a burst of confidence) , this isn't exactly my line—I've been rather let in for this. You see, I've not been by way of doin' this long—but what's a fellow to do when he's stony-broke? Got to do somethin', don't you know. So I thought I'd go in for journalism—I don't mean the drudgery of it, leader-writin' and that—but the light part of it, Society, you know. But the other day, man who does the interviews for Park Lane (that's the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a sudden, and my Editor said I'd better take on his work for a bit, and see what I made of it. ”

“ Mr. Sibbering (who has never "taken to" Porpentine) . Well, he's had a sharp lesson,—there's no denying that.
Mr. Cockcr. Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he—ah—returns to public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and a thing he would—ah—appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if we were to present him with some little token of our sympathy and unabated esteem—what do you fellers think?
Mr. Filk. A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow me to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an object. ”

“ At the Close of the Last Race—Three horses have started; the favourite has led to the turn and then bolted up the shingle, but, as the tide has come in and almost covered the course, and the other two horses by declining to face the water have let him in again, he wins after an exciting finish, up to the girths in sea-water; and such bookmakers as have succeeded in obtaining patronage are paying up with as much cheerfulness as they can command.
First Bookmaker (to eager backer) . "Wait a bit, my boy, wait a bit, the number hasn't gone up yet, my son. ”

“ Now, here's a beast that's well-known, I'm thenkin'. (The general expression signifies that its reputation is not altogether to its credit.) There's a well-bred mare—open up, and let her show hersel'. (The mare is shown, but fails to excite competition.) Ah, ye'll ony buy screws to-day, an' not the nice things at a'—tak' her away. (The mare is taken out ignominiously; Auctioneer, followed by crowd, leads the way to where a pony and trap are standing harnessed.) Noo, I'm gaun to pit up the pony an' van—just show them hoo she goes in hairness, boy. ”

“ I want yer all to win. I like to see yer bright and shining faces around me; I like the friverolity and reckereation and the conviverality of the thing, that's all. I'll tell yer how it is. I've a rich ole aunt, and she puts fifty pound into my 'ands, and sez, "Jacky," she sez, "I love those dear Baymouth people, and I want you to take this 'ere money and lay it out among 'em in moieties, and make 'em rich and 'appy." You can see for yourselves. ”

“ I do like a Toy to have manly tastes!
The Captain of a Wooden Marching Regiment quartered in the neighbourhood was there in full uniform, but not dancing. Told me they didn't in his regiment. As his legs are made in one piece and glued on to a yellow stand, inclined to think this was not mere military swagger. He seemed considerably struck with me. Made an impression, too, on a rather elderly India-rubber Ball. Snubbed him, as [ 205] one of the Ninepins told me he was considered "a bit of a bounder." ”

“ Only Other Wax Doll (a dreadful old frump!) on the Nursery Hearthrug. Room rather nicely illuminated by coloured fire from grate, and a pyramid nightlight, but floor poor. Didn't think much of the music—a fur monkey at the Digitorium, and a woolly lamb who brought his own bellows, make rather a feeble orchestra. Still, on the whole, enjoyed myself. Much admired. Several young Ninepins, who are considered stuck-up, and keep a good deal to their own set, begged to be introduced. ”

“ Ask the lady to have the goodness to—ah—step up. (He opens the studio door, and awaits the arrival of his client; interval, at the end of which sounds as of a female in [ 16] distress about halfway down are distinctly audible.) She's stepping up. (Another interval. The head of a breathless Elderly Lady emerges from the gloom.) This way, Madam.
Elderly Lady (entering and sinking into the first plush chair) . Oh, dear me, I thought I should never get to the top! Now why can't you photographers have your studios on the ground floor? ”

“ It was an obvious injustice that, when all citizens had to perform their share of more or less distasteful manual labour, there should be any one class that earned a living by work in which they took a positive pleasure. ”

“ There's many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness, frame included, for a five-pound note.
Mr. Sibb. If it's to be like Porpentine, it certainly won't be ornamental, whatever else it is.
Mr. Filk. It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the face. We'd better, as our friend Mr. Cockcroft here proposes, make it something of daily use—a good serviceable silk umbrella now—that's always appropriate. ”