Various

“ But, as in the oft-quoted reply when little Peterkin asked "what it was all about," so will the ballet-case-hardened spectator say, "'Why that I cannot tell,' quoth he, 'But 'twas a splendid victory!'" Somebody, possibly one Tartini, played by Signorina Cormani, is in love with Fidelia, Signorina Pollini, as naturally anyone would be; when a comic servant, Mr. George Lupino, is frightened by a Demon Fiddler with his fiddle (both being played by Paganini Redivivus) who either assists the lovers or does his best to prevent their coming together, I am not quite clear which. ”

“ Stranded, alone, at seventy-five, after a life of luckless labour,
One feels what 'tis to be esteemed not as a nuisance, but a neighbour;
A neighbour in the Good Book's sense; a poor one, and a helpless, truly,
But—not a plague, who'll live too long, if he is cossetted unduly.
Lawks me, the difference! Don't you know the chilly scorn, the silent snubbing
Which makes a man, as is a man, feel he'd far rather take a drubbing?
Old age and workhouse-duds may hide a deal of nature—from outsiders ”

“ Mr. Sibbering (who has never "taken to" Porpentine) . Well, he's had a sharp lesson,—there's no denying that.
Mr. Cocker. Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he—ah—returns to public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and a thing he would—ah—appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if we were to present him with some little token of our sympathy and unabated esteem—what do you fellers think?
Mr. Filk. A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow me to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an object. ”

“ As a near neighbour, and an intimate friend of Porpentine's, I don't 'esitate to assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our esteem. He's a quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked by some meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling on the line constantly for years, and leaving it at home that morning—why—I don't blame him if he did use his umbrella!
Mr. Balch. (sympathetically) . Nor I. Porpentine's a man I've always had a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood. I've always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour. ”

“ As the prime mover, and a particular friend of Porpentine's, it's only right and fair I should bear the chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll call it quits. ”

“ Porpentine's never shown himself what I should call sociable.
Mr. Cocker. I've never found him anything but pleasant myself, whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an exclusive man, and a fastidious man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and I [pg 5] should have thought this was an occasion—if ever there was one—for putting any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect and sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing myself, I've no objection. ”

“ INTELLIGENCE À L'AMERICAINE. Telegram No. 1.—Nothing could have been more terrible than the scene following upon the earthquake. The houses sank through the ground, and immediately a number of lions, tigers, and poisonous serpents, attracted by the unusual occurrence, sprang upon the poor inhabitants, and by their fierce attacks increased their misfortune. But this was not all. Men and women, using swords, battle-axes, and revolvers, fought amongst themselves, until the commotion created by the landslip assumed the appearance of a pandemonium. ”

“ Mr. Filk. (who resents the imputation upon his taste) . I can't say what the width of Mr. Porpentine's passage may be, never having been privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless it's wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and if my friend Cockcroft will excuse the remark, I see no sense—to say nothing of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to pass an opinion—in giving him an article he's got no room for. ”

“ Honourable distinction for him that he has never drawn the sword on any tented field. Debates on Army Estimates invariably call to the front an amazing reserve force of unsuspected men of war. There are Colonels, Majors, and Captains enough to officer the army at Monaco. ”

“ To be in their company is to receive a liberal education in deportment. Walking home this morning, after all-night sitting, in sad converse on possibilities of fresh development of iniquity on part of Mr. G., they passed couple of British workmen going forth to day's labour. Said first British Workman, nudging his companion, and pointing with thumb over his shoulder at wearied legislators: "Tell you what, Bill, them coves ain't been up to much good."
Business done.—Closure Resolutions agreed to. Home-Rule Bill packed up in compartments, to be opened as directed. ”

“ A nice night we've all had; moreover than which, at a quarter to three, lemon squashes gave out, and as one of waiters in hoarse voice assured me, there wasn't "a hounce of hice" left on premises. Yesterday afternoon Mr. G. moved his time-table Closure scheme in speech cogency of which testifies to miraculous advantage of limitation of delivery within space of half-hour. Prince Arthur followed in best debating speech he has delivered since he became Leader. Most adroit in argument, excellent in manner, felicitous in phrasing. ”

“ John Jones deposed that he had once seen a man who might have been the prisoner. It was sixteen years ago. The man to whom he referred was talking to a female. On cross-examination he admitted that, so far as he knew to the contrary, the man may have been addressing his grandmother. On re-examination he did not know that the female was a grandmother—she might have been a grand aunt.
Richard Robertson deposed that he had seen a pair of slippers. They might have been the slippers of the prisoner. He saw one of those slippers thrown with considerable force at a water-butt. ”

“ I 'ope I'm above being affected by the opinion any man may express of my conversation—especially a cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's 'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere society isn't good enough for him, it seems. ”

“ There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken up some evening to Porpentine's house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and just lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and wheel the chair in, make him try it—and there you are. ”

“ I sent one of the porters to examine them. Ah, here he comes.
A Porter arrives.
Porter. Just as I thought, Sir. Them blessed niggers have run short of cash, and they've bin and took a mile of our best wire.
Station-Master. Taken a mile of wire? What the deuce do you mean?
Porter. Ah, Sir, you're new to this 'ere job. Fact is, they can all buy theirselves a wife a-piece for two yards of our wire; and as there was a raid last week, and all their wives was made off with, they've just bin and took our telegraph wire to buy theirselves a new lot. ”

“ Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you to give him the arm-chair.
Mr. Cockcr. I give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the 'ole of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! ”

“ They retire within the palisade, and during the next half hour fight for their lives.
Telegraph Clerk (plucking three arrows out of his left leg) . Things are getting a bit hot. Hurrah! here's the 5.30 down express with revolvers and ammunition. Now we shall settle 'em. ”

“ Hanbury's case quite otherwise. He never set a squadron a field, [pg 12] nor the division of a battle knows more than Alpheus Cleophas. Yet Alpheus Cleophas is not more glib, authoritative, or, on the whole, more entertaining when Army Estimates are to the fore.
Business done.—Army Estimates in Committee.
Friday, 4 A.M.—Came upon Nussey an hour ago putting himself to bed on a chair in the Library. This his first experience of Parliamentary life; introduced at four o'clock yesterday afternoon, and took his seat for Pontefract. "Lawka mussey! and is this Nussey?" ”