F. Morton Howard

“ But what’s that to— ’Ere, ’strewth! ’Orace!” cried Mr. Tridge, in alarm. “I twig your game now! You’re wanting me to match against a prize-fighter! No, thanks!” he said, with the utmost firmness. “Once bit, twice shy!”
“Wait a bit!” begged Mr. Dobb. “You ’aven’t ’eard what I’ve got to say!”
“And don’t want to, either! Not if there’s a prize fight at the end of it! Not for fifty blessed quid! I’ve ’ad some! No, thank you, ’Orace. I ain’t fighting no prize-fighters on the thin chance of getting a purse of twenty quid—if I win. Not me, ’Orace!” ”

“ Lock bewail so inauspicious and swift a termination to his high hopes of the conduct of a milk-cart.
And moodily did he make his way to Fore Street, there to seek Mr. Dobb in his home, and tell him of this underhand trick which the cat had played upon one who had desired to deal benevolently by it.
“Well, it’s no good crying over spilt milk-carts,” pronounced Mr. Dobb, when his visitor began to sorrow over the wreck of his ambitions. “You’ve got to be up and doing—that’s all. As long as that cat don’t turn up at its old ’ome, you’ve always got a chance of finding it again somewhere.” ”

“ BLACK CATS ARE ALWAYS LUCKY
It had been a day thickly veined and marbled with emotions for the little group of men who, aforetime, had in some measure controlled the sea-going vagaries of that decrepit old barque, the “Jane Gladys.” For, that day, the “Jane Gladys” had ceased to be a ship dowered with an imposing collection of virtues perceptible only to the auctioneer, and had become but so much old wood and rusting iron to be exploited by the speculative marine-store dealer who hazarded the highest price for her unlovely bulk. ”

“ None the less a marked moodiness of manner overcame him as the day of the encounter drew near, and often his deportment was that of a man doomed to early disintegration. To cheer him, Mr. Dobb contrived for him a secret meeting with Mr. Burch, who revealed himself as quite an amiable young gentleman, and promised Mr. Tridge that he should receive no real hurt until the final blow of the contest.
“And that,” interpolated Mr. Dobb, encouragingly, “you won’t be in your senses to feel, Joe, for more than a millionth part of a second, so you needn’t worry about that.” ”

“ Clark that late as was the hour, he stamped round to Fore Street and knocked at the door of Mr. Dobb’s little shop. The house was in darkness, but after Mr. Clark’s third thunderous assault on the panels, an upper window opened and the head of Mr. Dobb, crowned with so obsolete a thing as a nightcap, protruded in inquiry.
“Finished, me!” roared Mr. Clark, to this apparition.
“Don’t you be a silly old stoopid!” counselled Mr. Dobb. “You stick to your job like a man!”
“But it ain’t a man’s job!” declared Mr. Clark. “Sneaking about, watching gals, at my time of life! ”

“ Mr. Lock, recovering after a while, followed him with marked caution, nor did he attempt reprisals. But this magnanimity was less because he knew that no one would be more surprised and apologetic on the morrow over the occurrence than Mr. Tridge, than because Mr. Tridge was altogether a larger and more powerful man than Mr. Lock.
Mr. Tridge, achieving the “Jane Gladys” in grim solitude, made his simple preparations for slumber, and lay down in his bunk with a sigh of weary content. He was fast asleep ere Mr. Lock ventured down to the fo’c’sle and wooed repose. ”

“ Tridge, in a similar boastful spirit, rehearsed some of his most successful retorts to customers who complained of dull razors or blunt scissors or intrusive lather-brushes. Mr. Dobb, for his part, supplied glowing accounts of the profits to be derived from the second-hand business by a man who was neither unperceptive nor too scrupulously honest and Mr. Lock, not to be overshadowed, revealed many hitherto unsuspected ways by which a billiard-marker might add substantially to his income. ”

“ Dobb of the afternoon as is the lowly grub from the full-winged butterfly.
Mr. Dobb, because he deemed that he owed a fitting publicity to his occupation and to his own personality, had taken the hours which intervene between dinner and tea, and had incorporated them into a general scheme for his glorification. Other business men might permit the searching post-meridian sunshine to illuminate frayed cuffs and shiny elbows, to exhibit symptoms of haste and heedlessness upon waistcoat fronts, to reveal circumstantial evidence with regard to linen collars. ”

“ Horace Dobb, second-hand dealer, carrying on business in a little shop in Fore Street, Shorehaven, he cultivated an even greater reticence in matters of diplomacy.
“‘Learn a bit of ’air-dressing,’ says ’Orace to me,” narrated Mr. Tridge, “and I’m learning a bit of ’air-dressing according. ’Orace ’as got something in ’is mind, you can depend on that. And I take it a bit uncharitable of you, Sam, not to ’elp me and ’Orace. ’Ow can I practise ’air-dressing if I don’t get no ’air to dress?” ”

“ Lock, casually. “First I’ve heard of it.”
“Same ’ere till a hour ago,” returned Mr. Dobb. “Only I ’appened to be talking with ’er, and one thing led to another, and then I see you just ’ad to be good at animal doctoring.”
“Why?” asked Mr. Lock.
“Why, because you’re going to cure ’er pet cat of fits for ’er.”
“Am I?” remarked Mr. Lock. “’Ow do I do that?”
“That’s for you to decide,” answered Mr. Dobb, easily. “It’ll be the beginning of your job in the milk line. It’s lucky she’s got a pet cat with fits, ain’t it? It’s a black cat, too. Black cats,” he stated, dogmatically, “are always lucky.” ”

“ I can’t think what possessed you to play such a silly trick on me! Getting me to agree to stand up to a professional boxer under false pretences! Why, I’ve half a mind—”
Mr. Dobb, beseeching Mr. Tridge to maintain calm, now promised to impart the exact truth of the matter, prefacing his statement with a catalogue of grisly things which he said he hoped would happen to him if he diverged from complete veracity by as much as a hair-breadth.
He admitted that Mr. Burch, otherwise Mr. Jevvings, was a pugilist of some prominence with a deserved fame for neat and businesslike finishes to his bouts. ”

“ Mr. Clark, emitting a baffled grunt, passed to silent examination of the problem. Mr. Horace Dobb, settling himself deep in his seat, tilted back his head and puffed at his cigar, as one who postponed intervention till the affair was more clearly established.
“You—you might lock up ’er bonnets,” hazarded Mr. Clark at last, but with no great confidence.
“But she ’as to go to her employment behind the counter at Messrs Wicklett & Sharp’s shop in the High Street,” objected Mr. Poskett. “She comes ’ome for dinner, and goes back again to the shop in the afternoon.” ”

“ Dobb who had suggested a semi-public demonstration of his fistic powers which should compel admiration and respect. With this proposition Mr. Jevvings had fallen in so enthusiastically that he had left all arrangements, financial and otherwise, to be consummated by Mr. Dobb.
“So that’s where you comes in,” explained Mr. Dobb.
“I see,” said Mr. Tridge, acutely. “I says something to ’im, ’e knocks me down, and I get twenty quid for it?”.
“Oh, not so helementary as that, Joe!” replied Mr. Dobb, pained at such lack of artistic imagination. “It’s got to be worked up to, neat and natural. ”

“ First thing next morning in comes a certain young gent, and said ’e’d ’eard I’d got a overmantel for sale, and ’e bought it straight off, almost without looking at it. Ah, if only there was more lovers in the world, it ’ud be a happier place altogether!” stated Mr. Dobb. “For chaps in my line of business, anyway!”
“Oh, well, I shall be glad when it’s all over and done with, that I do assure you!” said Mr. Clark. “I reckon I owe old Poskett something for getting me to take on a job like this, and a grudge is a debt of honour to me, don’t forget!” ”

“ When your mind’s made up, it’s made up.”
“That’s me,” accepted Mr. Tridge, complacently. “Follered me all over the place, they ’ave and hoffered me any amount of money for it. But I ain’t a wobbler. What I says I sticks to. See? Let’s ’ave another!”
“Yes, let’s,” agreed Mr. Sinnett, eagerly.
“Tried to steal it off me, them niggers ’ave,” said Mr. Tridge, disdainfully, after the rites consequent on a further libation had been observed. “But I’m a match for them any day. And they talks about sticking me next time they come across me. Let ’em try that on, that’s all!” ”

“ Lock, regretfully; and then he laughed quite merrily. “Why, I hardly know the young lady, either!”
“A nice, pretty, well-spoken girl she is, too!” said Mr. Dobb. “Make any man a good wife, she would. I tell you straight, if I wasn’t married—”
“I must say, I can’t make out how you had the heart to do it, ’Orace,” observed Mr. Lock.
“Neither can I, now! Serves me right! I—I couldn’t ever be really worthy of ’er. A nice, smart, good-looking young fellow, that’s ’oo she deserves for a ’usband. A young fellow just like you, Peter,” he ended softly. ”

“ Dobb parted from his new acquaintance. A minute later Mr. Clark had begun to convey his passenger across the river, and Mr. Dobb was returning homeward with the mien of one whose morning has been well spent.
“The current seems quite strong,” remarked the gentleman from London.
“It are,” agreed Mr. Clark, straining at his sculls. “The current’s always pretty strong ’ere when the tide’s running out. Like a mill-stream sometimes, and the worst of it is that you don’t know it till you get well out on it.” ”

“ Lock, carelessly.
“The—the blood’ound,” answered Mr. Dobb.
“I meant, which dook?” said Mr. Lock.
“The—the one what give you the gold watch and chain,” replied Mr. Dobb. “Show ’em to Mrs. Golightly, Peter; she’d like to see ’em.”
Mr. Lock’s hand made a movement towards his waistcoat, and then checked itself. “I forgot,” he said, with a smile. “I left it at the bank in London, along with all them other testimonials and medals I’ve got for animal doctoring. A chap what lives a travelling, seafaring life,” he explained to the lady, “needs to be careful of his property.” ”

“ Dobb.
Captain Gooster, sitting suddenly erect, dissected the observation in silence.
“I can see what a disappointment it must ’ave been for both of you,” continued Horace. “’Owever, let’s ’ope you ’ave better luck next time, sir.”
“I mean to!” asserted Captain Gooster. “Marrying for love is a snare and a sham and a deloosion. I’ve learned wisdom. ‘Strictly business!’ that’s my motter in future.”
“And it ain’t a bad motter, neither, sir,” approved Mr. Dobb, thoughtfully. “Strictly business!” he repeated, nodding his head over it. “It’s a jolly good motter.” ”

“ Horace Dobb, crying aloud his utmost annoyance at this disturbal of his peace, bounced from his bunk and repaired to the bar-parlour of the “Jolly Sailors,” a discreet inn on the quayside which gave promise of being an excellent refuge where a man, equipped with a shilling, and an anxiety about an unsettled future, might commune comfortably with his thoughts. ”

“ Lock and Tridge and Clark, hearing something of what had transpired, trooped down to Fore Street to find Horace, they discovered him already engaged in bringing the stock and fixtures into line with his own ideas on such matters.
Very readily he told them the tale of his marriage, and, further, pointed out that the future might hold many occasions when his shipmates of the “Jane Gladys” might find it profitable to link their talents temporarily to the fortunes of the little second-hand shop. ”

“ Jevvings’ reputation as a dashing blade was beginning to be clouded by a certain ribald contempt for his activities.
These things did Mr. Dobb explain to Mr. Tridge, in the terms most easily understanded of his old shipmate. Arrived at this point, he leaned impressively forward and tapped Mr. Tridge on the knee.
“And now,” stated Mr. Dobb, “’e’s got a idea for making people like ’im more serious. He’s going to ’ave a fight with some one and knock ’im clean out.” ”

“ Dobb. “After all,” he hinted, “one black cat is very like another. And they can’t talk and give things away, can they?”
“No,” agreed Mr. Lock, immensely relieved. “And, besides, a cat that’s been taken away to be cured of fits ain’t hardly likely to look quite the same when it comes back again, is it?”
A nod of perfect understanding passed between these two keen tacticians, and Mr. Dobb promised that he would take care to call frequently at the residence of the Golightlys to ascertain whether Jonathan was controlled by homing instincts sufficiently serviceable to lead him back to his mistress. ”