F. Anstey

“ The Audience is limited and low-spirited, and may perhaps number—including the Attendants—eighteen. The only people in the front seats are a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal under a caped coat, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty row. ”

“ A curious but not uncritical crowd, consisting largely of females, peer into the carriages as they pass, and derive an occult pleasure from a glimpse of a satin train and a bouquet. Other spectators circulate behind them, roving from carriage to carriage, straining and staring in at the occupants with the childlike interest of South Sea Islanders. ”

“ I'm so tired of hearing people pretending to disparage what they have done, it's such a pose, and I hate posing. Real genius is never modest. (If he had been more retiring, she would have, of course, reversed this axiom.) ”

“ Sorry to cut you short in your cigar, Uncle, and you, Limpett; but fact is, being Christmas night, I thought we'd come up a little sooner and all have a bit of a romp.... Well, Emily, my dear, here we are, all of us—ready for anything in the way of a frolic—what's it to be? Forfeits, games, Puss in the Corner, something to cheer us all up, eh? Won't any one make a suggestion? ”

“ As each person catches sight of it, he or she sits down. Uncle Joseph is still, to the general merriment, wandering about and getting angrier every moment.
Mr. C. That's it, Uncle, you're warm—you're getting warm! ”

“ Well, I went to him— (here he fixes an old Lady, who immediately passes up coppers out of her glove to the Conductor) —I went to him, and said— (addressing a smartly dressed young Lady with a parcel who giggles) —I said, "You're a man of the world—so am I. Don't you take any notice," I told him— (this to a callow young man, who blushes) —"they're a couple of young fools," I said, "but you tell your dear wife from me not to mind those boys of mine—they'll soon get tired of it if they're only let alone." ”

“ Orson is pursuing him, only—er—the bison, being a very fleet animal, has outrun his pursuer for the moment. Sometimes we flatter ourselves that we have outrun our pursuer—but, depend upon it, &c., &c. But now let us see what Valentine is about— (Discovering, not without surprise, that the next picture is a Scene in the Arctic Regions) . Well, you see, he has succeeded in reaching the coast, and here he is—in a sledge drawn by a reindeer, with nothing to guide him but the Aurora Borealis, hastening towards the spot where he has been told he will find Orson. ”

“ Bank Holiday. Scene—The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled with a dense throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat commanding the most distant view of a Variety Performance on the Great Stage has been occupied an hour in advance. The less punctual stand and enjoy the spectacle of other persons' hats or bonnets. Gangs of Male and Female Promenaders jostle and hustle to their hearts' content, or perform the war-song and dance of the Lower-class 'Arry, which consists in chanting "Oi tiddly-oi-toi; hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women sit on chairs and look at nothing. ”

“ Do you indeed?—dear me!
C. O. G. Not that I grudge it—a good education is a fortune in itself, and as I've always told my boys, they must make the best of it, for it's all they'll get. They're good enough lads, but I've had a deal of trouble with them one way and another—a deal of trouble. (Pauses for some expression of sympathy—which does not come—and he continues:) There are my two eldest sons—what must they do but fall in love with the same lady—the same lady, Sir! ”

“ Now she will rap on the walls on each side of her, proving to you that she is no reflection, but a solid reality, after which she will tap the bottom of the urn beneath her so that you may see it really is what it purports to be. ”

“ Gets out, leaving the tantalised audience inconsolable, and longing for courage to question her companion as to the precise details of Eliza's heartless behaviour to George. The companion, however, relapses into a stony reserve. Enter a Chatty Old Gentleman who has no secrets from anybody, and of course selects as the first recipient of his confidence the one person who hates to be talked to in an omnibus. ”

“ Sightseers discovered drifting languidly along in a state of depression, only tempered by the occasional exercise of the right of every free-born Briton to criticize whenever he fails to understand. The general tone is that of faintly amused and patronizing superiority. ”

“ An Old Lady (who judges Art from a purely Moral Standpoint, halts approvingly before a picture of a female orphan) . Now that really is a nice picture, my dear—a plain black dress and white cuffs—just what I like to see in a young person! ”

“ First Married Sister (to Second) . I felt quite sorry for Fred, to see him sitting there, looking—and no wonder—so ashamed of himself—but I always will say, and I always must say, Caroline, that if you and Robert had been firmer with him when he was younger, he would never have turned out so badly! Now, there's my George—&c., &c.
Mrs. C. (to the Fiancée) . Well, my dear, I don't approve of young men getting engaged until they have some prospect of being able to marry, and dear Algy was always my favourite brother, and I've seen so much misery from long engagements. ”

“ Considerate Niece (to Uncle) . They seem mostly Portraits here. You're sure you don't mind looking at them, Uncle? I know so many people do object to Portraits.
Uncle (with the air of a Christian Martyr) . No, my dear, no; I don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as you like. I'll sit down and look at the people till you've done.
First Critical Visitor (examining a View of St. James's Park) . I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland, I expect—there's two Highlanders there, you see. ”

“ He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more care for appearances. ”

“ People didn't ought to be allowed in the Pit with sech 'ats! Callin' 'erself a lady—and settin' there in a great 'at and feathers like a 'Ighlander's, and never answering no more nor a stuffed himage! ”

“ Jammed in a doorway, between the persons who are trying to get in, and the people who would be only too glad to get out, is an Unsophisticated Guest who doesn't know a soul, and is consequently reduced to listening to the Recitation. ”

“ First Ch. Bella has been out so much this week, that she doesn't care to dance except with a really first-rate partner. She is not so easily pleased as your Ethel, I'm afraid.
Second Ch. Ethel is young, you see, and, when one is pressed so much to dance, one can hardly refuse, can one? When she has had as many seasons as Bella, she will be less energetic, I dare say. ”

“ A Peevish Old Man. I ain't seen anything to call worth seeing, I ain't. In our Museum at 'ome they've a lamb with six legs, and hairy-light stones as big as cannon-balls; but there ain't none of that sort 'ere, and I'm dog-tired trapesing over these boards, I am! [ 56]
His Daughter (a candid person) . Ah, I ought to ha' known it warn't much good taking you out to enjoy yourself—you're too old, you are!
Ethel's Uncle (cheerily) . Well, Ethel, I think we've seen all there is to be seen, eh?
Ethel. There's one room we haven't been into yet, Uncle, dear. ”

“ The Socialist. I don't mind tellin' yer, friends and feller citizens, that in the late election in Heast Marylebone, I used all my influence— (cheers) —all my influence to deter men from voting for your Radical candidate. (Sensation, and a cry of "More shame for yer!") Ah, I did, though, and I'd do it agin, and I'll tell yer for why. I 'ate yer Tories, but if I'm to be 'it a blow in the face, I don't like it done behind my back. (Cheers) . And your precious Liberals and Radicals, they're worse nor hany Tories, and for this reason— (with a penetrating glance) —they're more hinvidious! ”

“ Valentine has gone on a voyage, with the object of—er—finding Orson. If the boat in the picture was only larger, we could no doubt identify Valentine, sitting there undismayed, calmly confident that, notwithstanding this—er—unfortunate interruption, he will be guided, sooner or later, to his—er—goal. Yes, dear children, if we only have patience, if we only have faith, &c., &c. Here we see— (an enormous Bison is suddenly depicted on the screen) eh? oh, yes—here we have a specimen of—er—Orson's pursuits. He chases the bison. Some of you may not know what a bison is. ”

“ An Uncle (who has taken Master Tommy out for the afternoon) . This is the way to make your English History real to you, my boy!
[Tommy, who had cherished hopes of Covent Garden Circus, privately thinks that English History is a sufficiently unpleasant reality as it is, and conceives a bitter prejudice against the entire Tudor Period on the spot.
The Intelligent Person. Ha! armour of the period, you see! [ 8]
"WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' THEM C'RECT GUIDES AT, OLE MAN? A SHILLIN'? NOT me!" ”

“ Why, the people seem all moving off! and where's that girl Maria got to? Ah, here you are! So you found you were no better off?—Next time, p'raps you'll believe what I tell you. Not that there's any War Balloon as I can see!
Maria. Oh, there was a capital view from where I was—out in the open there.
The U. O. L. Why couldn't you say so before? Out in the open! Let's go there then—it's all the same to me!
Maria (with an undutiful giggle) . It's all the same now—wherever you go, 'cause the balloon's gone up.
The U. O. L. Gone up! What are you telling me, Maria? [ 68]
Maria. ”

“ Oh, I can tell when a fellow has a good seat. I used to ride a good deal at one time. Don't get the chance much now—worse luck!
The J. of H. Well, I can give you a chance, as it happens. (Severe Critic accepts with enthusiasm, and the inward reflection that the chance is much less likely to come off than he is himself.) You wait till the show is over, and they let the horses in for exercise. I know a man who's got a cob here—regular little devil to go—bucks a bit at times—but you won't mind that. ”

“ Speakers address the Meeting in rapid succession; a Man with a red flag gives it a sinister wave at any particularly vigorous expression. Her Gracious Majesty the Queen is repeatedly described as "this mis-rubble ole bein'," an Archbishop is invariably mentioned as an "Arch-rogue," while the orators and the audience appear from their remarks to be the only persons capable of worthily guiding this unhappy Country's destinies. Policemen in couples look on from a distance and smile indulgently.
An Orator (bitterly) . The weather is against us, Feller Republikins, there's no denyin' that. ”

“ How are we going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. Settee sulks.
Mr. Pushington. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot [ 112] of him, asking him for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. ”

“ Riding Master (saluting with cane) . Evenin', Gentlemen—your 'orses will be in directly; 'ope we shall see some ridin' this time. (Clatter without; enter Stablemen with horses.) Let me see—Mr. Bilbow-Kay, Sir, you'd better ride the Shar; he ain't been out all day, so he'll want some 'andling. (Mr. B.-K., with a sickly smile, accepts a tall and lively horse.) No, Mr. Tongs, that ain't your 'orse to-day—you've got beyond 'im, Sir. We'll put you up on Lady Loo; she's a bit rough till you get on terms with her, but you'll be all right on her after a bit. ”

“ The Small Boy, precariously perched on an immense animal, follows; his horse, becoming unmanageable, declines the gate, and leaps the hurdle at the side.
The S. S. Ah, you're a artful lad, you are—thought you'd take it where it was easiest, eh?—you'll 'ev to goo back and try agen you will.
Chorus of Sympathetic Bystanders. Take him at it again, boy; you're all right!... Hold him in tighter, my lad.... Let out your reins a bit! Lor, they didn't ought to let a boy like that ride.... He ain't no more 'old on that big 'orse than if he was a fly on him!... Keep his 'ed straighter next time.... ”

“ Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece was what I said—not that it signifies.
Mrs. M. G. Oh, but I always attach the greatest importance to names, myself. And do you know him?
Phil. What, Tablett? Oh, yes—decent little chap; not much to say for himself, you know.
Mrs. M. G. I don't mind that when a man is clever—do you think you could bring him up and introduce him? [ 91]
Phil. Oh, I could—but I won't answer for your not being disappointed in him.
Mrs. M. G. I have never been disappointed in any genius yet—perhaps, because I don't expect too much—so go, dear boy ”

“ If you're goin' to strap me up as toight as all that, I shell 'ave to go to bed in them skites!... Well, what is it now?
Skate-Fastener. Reg'lar thing fur Gen'lm'n as 'ires skates ter leave somethink be'ind, jest as security like—anythink'll do—a gold watch and chain, if yer got sech a thing about yer!
The C. C. Oh, I dessay—not me!
Skate-F. (wounded) . Why, yer needn't be afroid! I shorn't run away—you'll find me 'ere when yer come back!
The C. C. Ah, that will be noice! But all the sime, a watch is a thing that slips out of mind so easy, yer know. You might go and forgit all about it. ”

“ With the air of a man who knows the whole thing by heart; the Waiter brings two tumblers of black coffee, for which he demands the sum of six francs; lively indignation of the Two Britons, who denounce the charge as a swindle, and take some time to recover sufficient equanimity to attend to what is going on on the Stage. ”

“ Bless your 'art—they don't mind—they like it. They'll go 'ome and s'y (in falsetto) "Ow, Pa, all the bloomin' crowd kep' on a lookin' at us through the winder—it was proime!"
'Arriet (giggling admiringly) . 'Ow do you know the w'y they tork?
Arry (superior) . Why, they don't tork partickler different from what you and me tork—do they?
First Mechanic. See all them old blokes in red, with the rum 'ats, Bill? They're Beefeaters goin' to the Pallis, they are.
Second M. What do they do when they git there?
First M. Do? oh, mind the bloomin' staircase, and chuck out them as don' beyave themselves. ”