W. W. Jacobs

“ He tugged violently at the bell-handle, and the rusty jangling of a bell sounded from a distant kitchen. He rang again.
“Don't play the fool,” said Barnes roughly.
Meagle laughed. “I only wanted to convince you,” he said kindly. “There ought to be, at any rate, one ghost in the servants' hall.”
Barnes held up his hand for silence.
“Yes?” said Meagle with a grin at the other two. “Is anybody coming?”
“Suppose we drop this game and go back,” said Barnes suddenly. “I don't believe in spirits, but nerves are outside anybody's command. ”

“ Captain Bligh gave a gloomy assent.
“The only thing for you to do, so far as I can see,” said the girl, slowly, “is to make yourself up like a coalie. There are one or two colliers in the harbor, and if you took off your coat—I could send it on afterwards—rubbed yourself all over with coal-dust, and shaved off your moustache, I believe you would escape.”
“Shave!” ejaculated the skipper, in choking accents. “Rub—! Coal-dust!”
“It's your only chance,” said Miss Pilbeam. ”

“ The night watchman pursed up his lips and shook his head. Friendship, he said, decidedly, is a deloosion and a snare. I've 'ad more friendships in my life than most people—owing to being took a fancy to for some reason or other—and they nearly all came to a sudden ending. ”

“ Providential he called it.”
“That's the worst of having a fool for a mate,” said the skipper, bitterly. “What business was it of his, I should like to know? What's it got to do with him whether I turn up or not? What does he want to interfere for?”
“It's no good blaming him,” said Miss Pilbeam, thinking deeply, with her chin on her finger. “The thing is, what is to be done? Once father gets his hand on you——”
She shuddered; so did the skipper.
“I might get off with a fine; I didn't hurt him,” he remarked.
Miss Pilbeam shook her head. “They're very strict in Woodhatch,” she said. ”

“ And when he put his hand over his glass she poured half a pint of good beer, that other men would have been thankful for, up his sleeve.
She was out all the afternoon, but at tea time she sat next to Mr. Carter, and joined brightly in the conversation concerning her marriage. She addressed him as Bert, and when he furtively pressed her hand beneath the table-cloth she made no attempt to withdraw it.
“I can't think how it was you didn't know him at first,” said her father. “You're usually wide-awake enough.”
“Silly of me,” said Nancy; “but I am silly sometimes.” ”

“ Letts. “It's no good starting without money. I wonder how much this house and furniture would fetch? Is it all mine, mother?”
“M-m-most of it,” stammered Mrs. Green, gazing in a fascinated fashion at the contorted visage of her husband.
“All except a chair in the kitchen and three stair-rods,” said Betty.
“Speak when you're spoke to, miss!” snarled her stepfather. “When we married we mixed our furniture up together—mixed it up so that it would be impossible to tell which is which. Nobody could.” ”

“ He did, did he?” snarled Mr. Hatchard. “Let him keep himself to himself, and mind his own business.”
“He said he thinks you have got a bad temper,” continued his wife. “He thinks, perhaps, it's indigestion, caused by eating cheese for supper always.”
Mr. Hatchard affected not to hear, and, lighting his pipe, listened fer some time to the hum of conversation between his wife and Mr. Sadler below. With an expression of resignation on his face that was almost saintly he knocked out his pipe at last and went to bed. ”

“ Widden,” he said, with a satisfied air, as he pointed to a slight, fair young man with a well-trimmed moustache.
Mr. Letts shook hands.
“Fine day,” said Mr. Widden.
“Beautiful,” said the other. “I'll come in and have a talk about it when I've had a wash.”
“Me and Miss Foster are going out for a bit of a stroll,” said Mr. Widden.
“Quite right,” agreed Mr. Letts. “Much more healthy than staying indoors all the evening. If you just wait while I have a wash and a bit o' something to eat I'll come with you.” ”

“ We have been walking for ten days now without an adventure—except Barnes's discovery that ditchwater smells longest. It will be a novelty, at any rate, and, if we break the spell by all surviving, the grateful owner ought to come down handsome.”
“Let's see what the landlord has to say about it first,” said Lester. “There is no fun in passing a night in an ordinary empty house. ”

“ By the time her father had finished his supper she was trying, but in vain, to devise means for the prisoner's escape. The sergeant had opened the door of the room for the sake of fresh air, and it was impossible for anybody to come downstairs without being seen. The story of a sickly geranium in the back-yard left him unmoved.
“I wouldn't get up for all the geraniums in the world,” he declared. “I'm just going to have one more pipe and then I'm off to bed. Running don't agree with me.” ”

“ Handsome presents and fine clothes are showered upon you. You will cross the sea. I see a dark young man and a fair young man. They will both influence your life. The fair young man works in his father's shop. He will have great riches.”
“What about the other?” inquired Miss Dowson, after a somewhat lengthy pause.
The fortune-teller shook her head. “He is his own worst enemy,” she said, “and he will drag down those he loves with him. You are going to marry one of them, but I can't see clear—I can't see which.”
“Look again,” said the trembling Flora. ”

“ Alfredi and 'is wife went off, and Rupert and George made up beds for themselves in the shop, while Kumbo 'ad a little place to herself at the back.
He did better than ever next night, and they all said he was improving fast; and Mr. Alfredi told 'im in a whisper that he thought he was better at it than Kumbo. “Not that I should mind 'er knowing much,” he ses, “seeing that she's took such a fancy to you.”
“Ah, I was going to speak to you about that,” ses Rupert. “Forwardness is no name for it; if she don't keep 'erself to 'erself, I shall chuck the whole thing up.” ”

“ Sam thought as 'ow the whiskey 'ad got to Mr. Goodman's 'ead at last. 'Owever, to pacify 'im he promised to do wot 'e was told, and next morning, when they was all at breakfast, he looks over and catches Mr. Goodman's eye.
“I wonder if I might be so bold as to ask a favor of you?” he ses.
“Certainly,” ses Peter's uncle, “and glad I shall be to oblige you. There is no man I've got a greater respect for.”
“Thankee,” ses Sam. “The fact is, I've run a bit short owing to paying a man some money I owed 'im. If you could lend me five pounds, I couldn't thank you enough.” ”

“ Look here! Why not—why not rob 'im ourselves?”
“Wot?” ses Ginger, starting.
“Walk up behind 'im and rob 'im,” ses Peter. “He'll think it's them two chaps he spoke about, and when 'e comes 'ome complaining to us we'll tell 'im it serves 'im right. Arter we've 'ad a game with 'im for a day or two we'll give 'im 'is money back.”
“But he'd reckernize us,” ses Ginger.
“We must disguise ourselves,” ses Peter, in a whisper. “There's a barber's shop in Cable Street, where I've seen beards in the winder. You hook 'em on over your ears. ”

“ White, winking at 'im.
“But she 'as got one, ain't she?” ses Charlie. “That'll do,” ses Mr. White, with another wink. “Try it on somebody else.”
“Wot are you two talking about?” ses Emma, who 'ad been watching 'em.
“He's trying to pull my leg,” ses 'er father, smiling all over his face. “Been asking me where Mrs. Jennings's young man is. P'r'aps you oughtn't to 'ave told us yet, Emma.”
“It's all right,” ses Emma. “He's got a very jealous disposition, poor fellow; and me and Sophy have been telling 'im about a young man just to tease 'im. ”

“ Carter, deferentially, “over and over again.”
“What!” said her father, loudly. “Look again.”
“If I looked all night it wouldn't make any difference,” said the disappointed Miss Evans. “The idea of making such a mistake!”
“We're all liable to mistakes,” said Mr. Carter, magnanimously, “even the best of us.”
“You take a good look at him,” urged her brother, “and don't forget that it's four years since you saw him. Isn't that Bert's nose?”
“No,” said the girl, glancing at the feature in question, “not a bit like it. Bert had a beautiful nose.”
“Look at his eyes,” said Jim. ”

“ Sailormen don't bother much about their relations, as a rule, said the night-watchman; sometimes because a railway-ticket costs as much as a barrel o' beer, and they ain't got the money for both, and sometimes because most relations run away with the idea that a sailorman has been knocking about 'arf over the world just to bring them 'ome presents. ”

“ Then with a sudden exclamation he put out his hands and stumbled forward.
“Why, it was open all the time,” he said, with an odd catch in his voice. “Come on.”
“I don't believe it was open,” said Lester, hanging back. “Somebody is playing us a trick.”
“Nonsense,” said Meagle sharply. “Give me a candle. Thanks. Who's got a match?”
Barnes produced a box and struck one, and Meagle, shielding the candle with his hand, led the way forward to the foot of the stairs. “Shut the door, somebody,” he said, “there's too much draught.”
“It is shut,” said White, glancing behind him. ”

“ I can't think 'ow you can stand 'im.”
“He ain't so bad,” ses Sam, wondering whether he ought to tell 'im 'arf of wot Peter really was like.
“Bad!” ses Mr. Goodman. “I come up to London for a 'oliday—a change, mind you—and I thought Peter and me was going to 'ave a good time. Instead o' that, he goes about with a face as long as a fiddle. He don't drink, 'e don't go to places of amusement—innercent places of amusement —and 'is idea of enjoying life is to go walking about the streets and drinking cups o' tea.”
“We must try and alter 'im,” ses Sam, arter doing a bit o' thinking. ”

“ It must be. It's no use shutting your eyes to things.”
“It's as plain as a pikestaff,” agreed her husband. “And she told Charlie five years for bigamy, and when she's telling Flora's Fortune she sees 'im in convict's clothes. How she does it I can't think.”
“It's a gift,” said Mrs. Dowson, briefly, “and I do hope that Flora is going to act sensible. Anyhow, she can let Ben Lippet come and see her, without going upstairs with the tooth-ache.”
“He can come if he likes,” said Flora; “though why Charlie couldn't have 'ad the motor-car and 'im the five years, I don't know.” ”

“ I never see a man so astonished in my life as Bob Pretty was, when 'e found out it was really true. He seemed fair 'mazed-like, and stood there scratching his 'ead, as if he didn't know where 'e was. He come round at last, arter a pint o' beer that Smith 'ad stood 'im, and then he made a little speech, thanking Smith for the fair way he 'ad acted, and took up the hamper. ”

“ Afore Silas could answer, Mrs. Burtenshaw, who felt more comfortable, 'aving got a bit o' the clothes back, thought it was time to put 'er spoke in.
“Lor' bless me, Bill,” she ses. “Wotever are you a-talking to yourself like this for? 'Ave you been dreaming?”
“Dreaming!” ses pore Bill, catching hold of her 'and and gripping it till she nearly screamed. “I wish I was. Can't you see it?”
“See it?” ses his wife. “See wot?”
“The ghost,” ses Bill, in a 'orrible whisper; “the ghost of my dear, kind old pal, Silas Winch. The best and noblest pal a man ever 'ad. ”

“ High spirits, and being spoken to as if I was a child.”
“The thing is, how are you to escape?” said the girl. “It's no good going out of doors with the police and half the people in Woodhatch all on the look-out for you.”
“If I could only get aboard I should be all right,” muttered the skipper. “I could keep down the fo'-c's'le while the mate took the ship out.”
Miss Pilbeam sat in deep thought. “It's the getting aboard that's the trouble,” she said, slowly. “You'd have to disguise yourself. ”

“ Jennings said she had 'ad enough of it, and told Emma she was going off 'ome.
“Don't take no notice of 'im,” ses Emma.
“I must,” ses Mrs. Jennings, who was arf crying with rage.
“Well, if you go 'ome, I shall go,” ses Emma. “I don't want 'is company. I believe he's doing it on purpose.
“Behave yourself, Charlie,” ses Ted.
“All right, old man,” ses Charlie. “You look arter your young woman and I'll look arter mine.”
“Your wot?” ses Mrs. Jennings, very loud.
“My young woman,” ses Charlie.
“Look 'ere,” ses Emma. “You may as well know first as last—Sophy 'as got a young man.” ”

“ As I said afore, everybody is superstitious, and those that ain't ought to be night-watchmen for a time—that 'ud cure 'em. I knew one man that killed a black cat, and arter that for the rest of his life he could never get three sheets in the wind without seeing its ghost. ”

“ All of 'em hung back and looked at each other; they all seemed to think they'd 'ave a better chance when there wasn't so many numbers left in the bag.
“Come on,” ses Smith, the landlord. “Somebody must be fust.”
“Go on, George Kettle,” ses Bob Pretty. “You're sure to win. I 'ad a dream you did.”
“Go on yourself,” ses George.
“I never 'ave no luck,” ses Bob; “but if Henery Walker will draw fust, I'll draw second. Somebody must begin.”
“O' course they must,” ses Henery, “and if you're so anxious why don't you 'ave fust try?” ”

“ Peter gave a sniff. “Wot about you and Ginger?” he ses.
“Wot about us?” ses Sam and Ginger, both together.
“Why, you'd 'ave to be teetotallers, too,” ses Peter. “Wot's the good o' me pretending to be steady if 'e sees I've got pals like you?”
Sam scratched his 'ead agin, ever so long, and at last he ses, “Well, mate,” he ses, “drink don't trouble me nor Ginger. We can do without it, as far as that goes; and we must all take it in turns to keep the old gentleman busy while the others go and get wot they want. ”

“ Bill was a very good husband when he was sober, but 'is money was two pounds a week, and when a man has all that and on'y a wife to keep out of it, it's natural for 'im to drink. Mrs. Burtenshaw tried all sorts o' ways and means of curing 'im, but it was no use. Bill used to think o' ways, too, knowing the 'arm the drink was doing 'im, and his fav'rite plan was for 'is missis to empty a bucket o' cold water over 'im every time he came 'ome the worse for licker. She did it once, but as she 'ad to spend the rest o' the night in the back yard it wasn't tried again. ”