W. W. Jacobs

“ At eight o’clock he washed at the scullery sink, and at ten o’clock Mr. Mott, with an air of great determination, came in to deliver his ultimatum.
“If you’re not outside the front door in five minutes, I’m going to fetch the police,” he said, fiercely.
“I want to see Florrie,” said the other.
“Well, you won’t see her,” shouted Mr. Mott.
Mr. Hurst stood feeling his chin.
“Well, would you mind taking a message for me?” he asked. “I just want you to ask her whether I am really free. Ask her whether I am free to marry again.”
Mr. Mott eyed him in amazement. ”

“ Billing’s features relaxed. “Well, let’s ’ope I shall be one of the fortunate ones,” he said, simply. “I can put up with a good deal, but when it comes to beer——”
“We shall see,” said the other, smiling.
“We don’t want to interfere with anybody’s comfort; we want to make them happier, that’s all. A little more kindness between man and man; a little more consideration for each other; a little more brightness in dull lives.” ”

“ Billing, earnestly. “As soon as this gets about you’ll get more members than you want a’most. I’m coming back, for one.”
Mr. Purnip turned and grasped his hand.
“I understand things now,” said Mr. Billing, nodding sagely. “Turning the other cheek’s all right so long as you don’t do it always. If you don’t let ’em know whether you are going to turn the other cheek or knock their blessed heads off, it’s all right. ’Arf the trouble in the world is caused by letting people know too much.” ”

“ Dealing with a man, said the night-watchman, thoughtfully, is as easy as a teetotaller walking along a nice wide pavement; dealing with a woman is like the same teetotaller, arter four or five whiskies, trying to get up a step that ain’t there. ”

“ Hurst, who was walking slowly up the street, glancing over his shoulder. “Morning!” said Mr. Mott, fiercely. “Good morning,” said the other.
“Now, look here,” said Mr. Mott. “This has gone far enough, and I won’t have any more of it. Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, chivvying a young lady that doesn’t want you. Haven’t you got any pride?”
“No,” said the young man, “not where she is concerned.”
“I don’t believe you have,” said the other, regarding him, “and I expect that’s where the trouble is. Did she ever have reason to think you were looking after any other girls?” ”

“ I ses, looking behind me to where three of the ’ands of the Daisy was sitting on the fo’c’sle smoking. “I’ve got plenty of company to-night.”
“Company won’t save you,” ses Joe. “For the last time, are you going to give me that watch and chain, or not? Here’s your fifteen bob.”
“No,” I ses; “even if I ’ad got it I shouldn’t give it to you; and it’s no use giving’ it to the ghost, because, being made of air, he ’asn’t got anywhere to put it.”
“Very good,” ses Joe, giving me a black look. “I’ve done all I can to save you, but if you won’t listen to sense, you won’t. ”

“ And arter eight dabs, four to each eye, she began to sob as if her ’art would break.
“Go away,” I ses, very slow. “You can’t stand making that noise outside my wharf. Go away and give somebody else a treat.”
Afore she could say anything the potman from the Tiger, a nasty ginger-’aired little chap that nobody liked, come by and stopped to pat her on the back.
“There, there, don’t take on, mother,” he ses. “Wot’s he been a-doing to you?”
“You get off ’ome,” I ses, losing my temper.
“Wot d’ye mean trying to drag me into it? I’ve never seen the woman afore in my life.” ”

“ A crack of light showed under the kitchen door, and, pushing it open with some force, he gazed spellbound at the spectacle before him.
“Come in,” said Mr. Hurst, heartily. “I’ve just finished.”
He rocked an empty beer-bottle and patted another that was half full. Satiety was written on his face as he pushed an empty plate from him, and, leaning back in his chair, smiled lazily at Mr. Mott.
“Go on,” said that gentleman, hoarsely. Mr. Hurst shook his head.
“Enough is as good as a feast,” he said, reasonably. “I’ll have some more to-morrow.”
“Oh, will you?” said the other. “Will you?” ”

“ Porter, with dignity.
“All our things went, bit by bit,” pursued his wife, “all the money we had put by for a rainy day, and we ’ad to begin all over again. What are we going to live on? O’ course, you might earn something by singing in the street; people who like funny faces might give you something! Why not go upstairs and put your ’ead under the bed-clothes and practise a bit?”
Mr. Porter coughed. “It’ll be all right,” he said, confidently. “Our committee knows what it’s about; Bert Robinson is one of the best speakers I’ve ever ’eard. ”

“ Whether he’ll object to you being in a pub a mile away, taking care of a box of gold while you was supposed to be taking care of the wharf, is his bisness. My bisness is to see that my man ’as ’is rights.”
“’Ear, ’ear !” ses the crew.
“You please yourself, watchman,” ses the skipper. “You’re such a clever man that no doubt you could get a better job to-morrow. There must be ’eaps of people wanting a man like you. It’s for you to decide. That’s all I’ve got to say—five bob a week till pore George ’as got ’is money back, or else I put the case afore the guv’nor. Wot did you say?” ”

“ Todd. “Get up!”
Mrs. Gorman settled herself more firmly.
“Let me get up,” said Mr. Todd, panting.
Mrs. Gorman rose, but remained in a hovering position, between which and the chair Mr. Todd, flushed and dishevelled, extricated himself in all haste. A shrill titter of laughter and a clapping of hands greeted his appearance. He turned furiously on the pallid Mr. Porter.
“What d’you mean by it?” he demanded. “Are you the master, or ain’t you? A man what can’t keep order in his own house ain’t fit to be called a man. ”

“ The night watchman had just returned to the office fire after leaving it to attend a ring at the wharf bell. He sat for some time puffing fiercely at his pipe and breathing heavily.
“Boys!” he said, at last. “That’s the third time this week, and yet if I was to catch one and skin ’im alive I suppose I should get into trouble over it. Even ’is own father and mother would make a fuss, most like. Some people have boys, and other people ’ave the trouble of ’em. Our street’s full of ’em, and the way they carry on would make a monkey-’ouse ashamed of itself. ”

“ I looked at ’im, and then I turned to the policeman. “So long as she goes off my wharf, I don’t mind where she goes,” I ses. “The skipper’s goings-on ’ave got nothing to do with me.”
“Then she can foller him ’ome in the morning,” ses the skipper. “Good night, watch-man.”
Him and the mate ’elped the silly old thing to the ship, and, arter I ’ad been round to the Bear’s Head and fetched a pint for the police-man, I locked up and sat down to think things out; and the more I thought the worse they seemed. I’ve ’eard people say that if you have a clear conscience nothing can hurt you. ”

“ I was for going to the Bear’s Head, the place I generally go to, because it is next door to the wharf, so to speak, but George wanted me to try the beer at another place he knew of.
“The wharf’s all right,” he ses. “There’s one or two ’ands on the ship, and they won’t let anybody run away with it.”
From wot he said I thought the pub was quite close, but instead o’ that I should think we walked pretty nearly a mile afore we got there. Nice snug place it was, and the beer was all right, although, as I told George Tebb, it didn’t seem to me any better than the stuff at the Bear’s Head. ”

“ Porter, and, extracting a paper packet of cigarettes from her pocket, lit a fresh one at the stub of the first.
“That’s the worst of a woman,” said her husband, avoiding her eye and addressing a sanitary dustbin of severe aspect; “they do things without thinking first. That’s why men are superior; before they do a thing they look at it all round, and upside down, and—and—make sure it can be done. Now, you get up in a temper this morning, and the first thing you do—not even waiting to get my breakfast ready first—is to go on strike. ”

“ Even then ’e wasn’t satisfied, and arter coming on to the wharf and following me up and down like a little dog, he got in front of me and told me some more things he ’ad thought of.
“‘If I catch you spying on me agin,’ he ses, ‘you’ll wish you’d never been born!’
“‘You get aboard and ’ave a quiet sleep,’ I ses. ‘You’re wandering in your mind.’
“‘The lady you saw me with,’ he ses, looking at me very fierce, ’is a friend o’ mine that I meet sometimes for the sake of her talk.’
“‘Talk!’ I ses, staring at ’im. ‘Talk! Wot, can’t one woman talk enough for you? Is your missis dumb? ”

“ I knew the hands was aboard, and arter watching ’is cabin-skylight until the light was out, I went and undressed. Then I crept back on to the jetty, and arter listening by the Peewit to make sure that they was all asleep, I went back and climbed down the ladder.
It was colder than ever. The cold seemed to get into my bones, but I made up my mind to ’ave that twelve quid if I died for it. I trod round and round the place where I ’ad seen that purse chucked in until I was tired, and the rubbish I picked up by mistake you wouldn’t believe. ”

“ You’ll see Sam Bullet agin, and you’ll not on’y lose the watch and chain but your life as well.”
“All right,” I ses, “and thank you kindly, but I’ve got an assistant, as it ’appens—a man wot wants to see a ghost.”
“An’ assistant?” ses Joe, staring.
“An old soldier,” I ses. “A man wot likes trouble and danger. His idea is to shoot the ghost and see wot ’appens.”
“Shoot!” ses Joe. “Shoot a pore ’armless ghost. Does he want to be ’ung? Ain’t it enough for a pore man to be drownded, but wot you must try and shoot ’im arterwards? Why, you ought to be ashamed o’ yourself. Where’s your ’art?” ”

“ Billing.
“You’ve had all you ought to have already,” was the reply. “And there’s one thing I’ll swear to—you ain’t had it ’ere.”
“I haven’t ’ad a drop pass my lips began the outraged Mr. Billing.
“Yes, I know,” said the other, wearily, as he shifted one or two glasses and wiped the counter; “I’ve heard it all before, over and over again. Mind you, I’ve been in this business thirty years, and if I don’t know when a man’s had his whack, and a drop more, nobody does. You get off ’ome and ask your missis to make you a nice cup o’ good strong tea, and then get up to bed and sleep it off.” ”

“ You only encourage people like that by taking notice of ’em. Good-bye.’
“She held out her ’and, and while the skipper was shaking it I began to walk back to the wharf. I ’adn’t gorn far afore I heard ’im coming up behind me, and next moment ’e was walking alongside and saying things to try and make me lose my temper.
“‘Ah, it’s a pity your pore missis can’t ’ear you!’ I ses. ‘I expect she thinks you are stowed away in your bunk dreaming of ’er, instead of saying things about a face as don’t belong to you.’
“‘You mind your bisness,’ he ses, shouting. ‘And not so much about my missis! ”

“ Some people would report you.”
“I know my dooty,” I ses; “there’s no craft up to-night, and no reason for anybody to come to my bell. If I was to open the gate every time a parcel of overgrown boys rang my bell I should ’ave enough to do.”
“Well, I’ll overlook it this time, seeing as you’re an old man and couldn’t get another sleeping-in job,” he ses, looking at the policeman for him to see ’ow clever ’e was. “Wot about that tanner? That’s wot I’ve come for.”
“You be off,” I ses, starting to shut the wicket. “You won’t get no tanner out of me.” ”

“ He put his ’and in under the bed-clo’es and felt all up and down Sam’s back, very careful. Sam stood it for ’arf a minute, and then ’e sat up in bed and behaved more like a windmill than a man.
“Hold his ’ands,” ses Ginger.
“Hold ’em yourself,” ses Peter, dabbing ’is nose with his shirt-sleeve.
“Well, we’re going to see it,” ses Ginger, “if we have to make enough noise to rouse the ’ouse. Fust of all we’re going to ask you perlite; then we shall get louder and louder. Show us the locket wot you stole, Sam!” ”

“ He used to pass me, as ’e went off of a evening, with a little sly smile on ’is ugly little face, and sometimes when I was standing at the gate he’d give a sniff or two and say that he could smell beer, and he supposed it came from the Bear’s Head.
“It was about three weeks arter the guv’nor ’ad forgot ’imself, and I was standing by the gate one evening, when I saw a woman coming along carrying a big bag in her ’and. I ’adn’t seen ’er afore, and when she stopped in front of me and smiled I was on my guard at once. I don’t smile at other people, and I don’t expect them to smile at me. ”

“ When that didn’t do no good she refused her food, and when ’e took her up toast and tea she wouldn’t look at it. Said she wanted to die. He got quite uneasy till ’e came ’ome the next night and found the best part of a loaf o’ bread, a quarter o’ butter, and a couple o’ chops he ’ad got in for ’is supper had gorn; and then when he said ’e was glad she ’ad got ’er appetite back she turned round and said that he grudged ’er the food she ate.
And no woman ever owned up as ’ow she was wrong; and the more you try and prove it to ’em the louder they talk about something else. ”

“ I moved towards ’im, but Joe hung back, and, arter using one or two words that would ha’ made any ghost ashamed to know ’im, he sheered off. I ’ad a word or two with the policeman about the weather, and then I went inside and locked the gate.
My idea was that Sam ’ad told Joe about the watch and chain afore he fell overboard. Joe was a nasty customer, and I could see that I should ’ave to be a bit careful. Some men might ha’ told the police about it—but I never cared much for them. They’re like kids in a way, always asking questions—most of which you can’t answer. ”

“ He was up agin in about ten minutes, with a clean collar and a clean face, and a blue neck-tie that looked as though it ’ad got yeller measles. Good temper ’e was in, too, and arter pulling the office-boy’s ear, gentle, as ’e was passing, he stopped for a moment to ’ave a word with ’im.
“‘Bit late, ain’t you?’ he ses.
“‘I’ve been keeping a eye on the watchman,’ ses the boy. ‘He works better when ’e knows there’s somebody watching ’im.’
“‘Look ’ere!’ I ses. ‘You take yourself off; I’ve had about enough of you. You take your little face ’ome and ask your mother to wipe its nose. ”