W. W. Jacobs

“ Farrer peered through the plants which formed a welcome screen to the window and listened with some uneasiness. He was waiting for the firm, springy step that should herald the approach of ex-Sergeant-Major Ward. A squeeze of Miss Ward's hand renewed his courage.
“Perhaps I had better light the lamp,” said the girl, after a long pause. “I wonder where mother's got to?”
“She's on my side, at any rate,” said Mr. Farrer.
“Poor mother!” said the girl. “She daren't call her soul her own. I expect she's sitting in her bedroom with the door shut. She hates unpleasantness. ”

“ The sun stole in at the window, and seeing the poor earth-worn face on the pillow so touched it and glorified it that only its goodness and weakness were seen, and the beholders came to wonder how they could ever have felt any dread of aught so calm and peaceful. ”

“ Self-preservation is the law of Nature, and when Mr. Scutts's legs and back gave way he saw to it that the doctor was underneath.
“We'll have to get you up to bed,” said the latter, rising slowly and dusting himself.
Mr. Scutts, who was lying full length on the floor, acquiesced, and sent his wife for some neighbours. One of them was a professional furniture-remover, and, half-way up the narrow stairs, the unfortunate had to remind him that he was dealing with a British working man, and not a piano. ”

“ Cooper. “I can't hear myself eat.”
“Bob!” said the voice, in relieved accents, “Bob! Come and let me out.”
Mr. Cooper, putting a huge hand over his mouth, struggled nobly with his feelings.
“Who are you calling 'Bob'?” he demanded, in an unsteady voice. “You keep yourself to yourself. I've heard all about you. You've got to stay there till my brother-in-law comes home.”
“It's me, Bob,” said Mr. Simpson—“Bill.”
“Yes, I dare say,” said Mr. Cooper; “but if you're Bill, why haven't you got Bill's voice?”
“Let me out and look at me,” said Mr. Simpson. ”

“ Gribble; “and so long as I'm satisfied with your appearance nobody else matters. So long as I am pleased, that's everything. What do you want to go dressing yourself up for? Nothing looks worse than an over-dressed woman.”
“What are we going to do with all that money, then?” inquired Mrs. Gribble, in trembling tones.
“That'll do,” said Mr. Gribble, decidedly. “That'll do. One o' these days you'll go too far. You start throwing that money in my teeth and see what happens. I've done my best for you all these years, and there's no reason to suppose I sha'n't go on doing so. ”

“ Sam gives a cough. “I didn't know you'd got a young lady,” he ses.
“Well, I 'ave,” ses his nevy, “and we're going to be married at Christmas.”
“But—but you ain't fifty-five,” ses Ginger.
“I'm twenty-one,” ses the nevy, “but my case is different. There isn't another young lady like mine in the world. She's different to all the others, and it ain't likely I'm going to let 'er be snapped up by somebody else. Fifty-five! Why, 'ow I'm to wait till Christmas I don't know. She's the prettiest and handsomest gal in the world; and she's the cleverest one I ever met. You ought to hear 'er laugh. ”

“ Mrs. Scutts, concealed behind the curtain, gazed at the cab in uneasy amazement. The cabman clambered down from the box and, opening the door, stood by with his hands extended ready for any help that might be needed. A stranger was the first to alight, and, with his back towards Mrs. Scutts, seemed to be struggling with something in the cab. He placed a dangling hand about his neck and, staggering under the weight, reeled backwards supporting Mr. Scutts, whose other arm was round the neck of a third man. In a flash Mrs. Scutts was at the door. ”

“ You want to waste money on show; that's what you want. Stained glass and bow-windows! You want a bow-window to loll about in, do you? Shouldn't wonder if you don't want a servant-gal to do the work.”
Mrs. Gribble flushed guiltily, and caught her breath.
“We're going to live as we've always lived,” pursued Mr. Gribble. “Money ain't going to spoil me. I ain't going to put on no side just because I've come in for a little bit. If you had your way we should end up in the workhouse.”
He filled his pipe and smoked thoughtfully, while Mrs. Gribble cleared away the tea-things and washed up. ”

“ Cooper, reassuringly. “I wasn't born yesterday. I don't want to get a crack over the head.”
“It's all a mistake, Bob,” said the prisoner, appealingly. “I just had a shave and a haircut and—and a little hair-dye. If you open the door you'll know me at once.”
“How would it be,” said Mr. Cooper, turning to his sister, and speaking with unusual distinctness—“how would it be if you opened the door, and just as he put his head out I hit it a crack with the poker?”
“You try it on,” said the voice behind the door, hotly. “You know who I am well enough, Bob Cooper. ”

“ Simpson, painfully conscious of his friend's regards.
“Nothing,” said the girl, “nothing. Only we can all be better, can't we? He's a nice old gentleman; so simple.”
“Don't know you from Adam,” said Mr. Mills, as she turned away. “Now, if you ask me, I don't believe as your own missis will recognize you.”
“Rubbish,” said Mr. Simpson. “My wife would know me anywhere. We've been married over thirty years. Thirty years of sunshine and shadow together. You're a single man, and don't understand these things.”
“P'r'aps you're right,” said his friend. ”

“ Ginger shook his 'ead, and, arter thinking a bit, Peter shook his too.
“She's caught 'im rather young,” ses Ginger.
“They get it bad at that age too,” ses Peter. “When I was twenty, there was a gal as I was fond of, and a regiment couldn't ha' parted us.”
“Wot did part you then?” ses Sam.
“Another gal,” ses Peter; “a gal I took a fancy to, that's wot did it.”
“I was nearly married when I was twenty,” ses Ginger, with a far-away look in his eyes. “She was the most beautiful gal I ever saw in my life; she 'ad one 'undred pounds a year of 'er own and she couldn't bear me out of her sight. ”

“ Old Sam, wot was always on the look-out for money, put his beer down and wiped 'is mouth. “There might be a reward out for 'im,” he ses. “I think I'll take care of 'im for a day or two, in case.”
“We'll all take care of 'im,” ses Ginger; “and if there's a reward we'll go shares. Mind that!”
“I found 'im,” ses Sam, very disagreeable. “He came up to me as if he'd known me all 'is life.”
“No,” ses Ginger. “Don't you flatter yourself. He came up to you because he didn't know you, Sam.”
“If he 'ad, he'd ha' bit your 'and,” ses Peter Russet.
“Instead o' washing it,” ses Ginger. ”

“ Come back to watch over you both and see that no harm befalls you.”
“You are talking wildly,” said Tabitha, by no means moved at her sister's solicitude for her welfare. “Your mind is wandering; you know that I have no faith in such things.”
Ursula sighed, and beckoning to Eunice, who was weeping silently at the bedside, placed her feeble arms around her neck and kissed her.
“Do not weep, dear,” she said feebly. “Perhaps it is best so. A lonely woman's life is scarce worth living. We have no hopes, no aspirations ”

“ Mrs. Gribble coughed again to see. After five coughs she said she thought it was her chest.
“You'd better not go out o' doors to-day, then,” said Mr. Gribble. “Don't stand about in draughts; and I'll fetch you in a bottle of cough mixture when I go out. What about a lay-down on the sofa?” ”

“ Smithers stepped on to the wharf and, taking 'old of my missis by the arm, led her away whispering. At the same moment the skipper walked across the deck and whispered to me.
“Wot d'ye mean by it?” he ses. “Wot d'ye mean by 'aving letters from Dorothy and not telling me about it?”
“I can't help 'aving letters any more than you can,” I ses. “Now p'r'aps you'll understand wot I meant by calling 'er a forward hussy.”
“Fancy 'er writing to you!” he ses, wrinkling 'is forehead. “Pph! She must be crazy.”
“P'r'aps it ain't a gal at all,” I ses. “My belief is somebody is 'aving a game with us.” ”

“ He's lucky when 'is good looks 'ave gorn—or partly gorn—to get a berth as night-watchman or some other hard and bad-paid job.
One drawback to a good-looking man is that he generally marries young; not because 'e wants to, but because somebody else wants 'im to. And that ain't the worst of it: the handsomest chap I ever knew married five times, and got seven years for it. It wasn't his fault, pore chap; he simply couldn't say No.
One o' the best-looking men I ever knew was Cap'n Bill Smithers, wot used to come up here once a week with a schooner called the Wild Rose. ”

“ Miss Gill turned her 'ead away. “You mustn't talk to me like that,” she ses in a soft voice. “Still—”
“Still wot?” ses Ginger, arter waiting a long time.
“I mean, if I did go to sea, it would be nice to have a friend on board,” she ses. “I suppose you ain't afraid of storms, are you?”
“I like 'em,” ses Ginger.
“You look as if you would,” ses the gal, giving 'im a little look under 'er eyelashes. “It must be nice to be a man and be brave. I wish I was a man.”
“I don't,” ses Ginger.
“Why not?” ses the gal, turning her 'ead away agin. ”

“ Wot do you think is going to 'appen to me when I go 'ome?”
“Oh, I 'adn't thought o' that,” he ses. “Yes, o' course.”
“Wot about my wife's jealousy?” I ses. “Wot about the other, and her 'usband, a cooper as big as a 'ouse?”
“Well, well,” he ses, “one can't think of everything. It'll be all the same a hundred years hence.”
“Look 'ere,” I ses, taking 'is shoulder in a grip of iron. “You come back with me now in that cab and explain. D'ye see? That's wot you've got to do.”
“All right,” he ses; “certainly. Is—is the husband bad-tempered?” ”

“ I don't go to meet other people's husbands in a blue 'at with red roses. I don't write 'em love-letters, and say 'H'sh!' to my wife when she ventures to make a remark about it. I may work myself to skin and bone for a man wot's old enough to know better, but I'm not going to be trod on. Dorothy, indeed! I'll Dorothy 'er if I get the chance.”
Mrs. Smithers, wot 'ad been listening with all her ears, jumped up, and so did the skipper, and Mrs. Smithers came to the side in two steps.
“Did you say 'Dorothy,' ma'am?” she ses to my missis. ”

“ Farrer. “I'm sorry if I was rude. I came on purpose to see you to-night. Bertha—Miss Ward, I mean—told me your ideas, but I couldn't believe her. I said you'd got more common sense than to object to a man just because he wasn't a soldier.”
“I want a man for a son-in-law,” said the other. “I don't say he's got to be a soldier.”
“Just so,” said Mr. Farrer. “You're a man, ain't you? Well, I'll do anything that you'll do.”
“Pph!” said the sergeant-major. “I've done my little lot. I've been in action four times, and wounded in three places. ”

“ There wasn't one of 'em 'ad the slightest suspicion —not one.”
“And wot about my character?” I ses, folding my arms acrost my chest and looking at him.
“Character?” he ses, staring. “Why, there's no 'arm in dancing; it's a innercent enjoyment.”
“It ain't one o' my innercent enjoyments,” I ses, “and I don't want to get the credit of it. If they hadn't been sitting in a pub all the evening they'd 'ave spotted you at once.” ”

“ I can't move 'and or foot without that gal. 'Ow'd you like it, yourself, Bill?'
“'It must be very orkard for you,' I ses. 'Very orkard indeed.'
“'Orkard!' he ses; 'it's no name for it, Bill. I might as well be a Sunday-school teacher, and ha' done with it. I never 'ad such a dull time in all my life. Never. And the worst of it is, it's spiling my temper. And all because o' that narrer-eyed, red-chested—you know wot I mean!'
“He took another mouthful o' beer, and then he took 'old of my arm. 'Bill,' he ses, very earnest, 'I want you to do me a favour.'
“'Go ahead,' I ses. ”

“ Some people can't make too much of 'em. They talk about a dog's honest eyes and his faithful 'art. I 'ad a dog once, and I never saw his eyes look so honest as they did one day when 'e was sitting on a pound o' beefsteak we was 'unting high and low for.
I've known dogs to cause a lot of trouble in my time. A man as used to live in my street told me he 'ad been in jail three times because dogs follered him 'ome and wouldn't go away when he told 'em to. He said that some men would ha' kicked 'em out into the street, but he thought their little lives was far too valuable to risk in that way. ”

“ The cook of the Saltram was sitting on a paraffin-cask playing the mouth-orgin, and the actor, with 'is arms folded across his stummick, was dancing a horn-pipe as if he'd gorn mad.
I never saw anything so ridikerlous in my life, and when I recollected that they thought it was me, I thought I should ha' dropped.
A night-watchman can't be too careful, and I knew that it 'ud be all over Wapping next morning that I 'ad been dancing to a tuppenny-ha'penny mouth-orgin played by a ship's cook. A man that does 'is dooty always has a lot of people ready to believe the worst of 'im. ”

“ Gribble took to her bed for two days, and the doctor had a heart-to-heart talk with him on the doorstep.
It was a matter of great annoyance to him that his wife still continued to attribute her ill-health to the smallness and darkness of the house; and the fact that there were only two of the houses in Charlton Grove left caused a marked depression of spirits. It was clear that she was fretting. The small servant went further, and said that she was fading away.
They moved at the September quarter, and a slight, but temporary, improvement in Mrs. Gribble's health took place. ”

“ The watchman went a shade redder than usual. That's twins all over, he said, sourly, always deceiving people. It's Bill arter all, and, instead of hurting 'is feelings, I've just been flattering of 'im up.
It ain't the fust time I've 'ad trouble over a likeness. I've been a twin myself in a manner o' speaking. It didn't last long, but it lasted long enough for me to always be sorry for twins, and to make a lot of allowance for them. It must be very 'ard to have another man going about with your face on 'is shoulders, and getting it into trouble. ”